Dating Thread, v. II
- Thread starter Icey Fresh Werewolf
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I'll regale my tale, then.
Jan 2021: Match with Nadia. She's my age, has a son my son's age, and we hit it off extremely fast. Texting back and forth a few weeks, and then decide to meet up. The evening before we're supposed to meet, she calls it off, saying that an ex has wanted to try things one more time with her. We lose contact.
Jan 2022: We match again. She's over aforementioned ex, and we basically fall back into the same deep connection/conversation. After a few weeks, we meet (children **** schedules up, so it took a while). From there on, we see each other every week, when possible. She's been off work for a while with stress, at that point, but it doesn't bother me.
March 2022: Her father is diagnosed with lung cancer. This cuts down on her weekend time with me, as she wants to go to him. Totally natural response, that I go along with.
June 2022: She starts being more brief with me, and having less time for me, which is understandable - her father isn't doing well, and she's the one that has to start thinking about how to settle his affairs, IF something should happen.
July 4th-ish: She ends it, saying her father was deemed terminal a week prior, and that she's unable to feel her attraction to me, when I'm not near her. Basically our relation creates a "bubble" of freedom, but not one she can really experience often enough for her to thrive. We break contact.
July 5th: She writes me a happy birthday message, and asks if it's okay that she resumes contact. I say thanks, and say "I don't really know", so she doesn't pursue it further.
July 18th-ish: She puts up a "Goodbye Dad" message on FB, he died July 10th. I react to it, and we end up writing again. She's missed me, etc etc. I invite her over for a few days later. All is good, she says she's really missed me, and we agree to slowly start up again.
August 4th: She says she's falling back into the same pattern, and I recognize it too - she's just not capable of feeling for me, while also handling grief. We break contact. At this point I keep an eye on her IG stories and FB posts, looking for clues in either direction. To my mind, she's clearly still interested, so I'm biding my time. OTOH, I'm well aware that she's going though a bunch of stuff, and that it might be years before she's ready for any serious form of commitment. My rule of thumb is thus: Her birthday is Nov 4th - I didn't set an alarm or a reminder, relying instead on memory. If I forgot, I'd obviously gotten over her. If not, then I'd shoot her a nice, neutral "happy birthday" message.
October 28th: She called me at 5 AM, drunk, to talk. I didn't hear it, so I didn't pick up. Did write her a message, though, so we resumed contact. She was adamant she had gotten better, and was ready to try things out. We saw each other as much as possible (I had my son full time during November, so it was limited).
November 28th: She came over, after a week of being ill with a stomach flue (thus, not much contact), and said she no longer felt desire for me. She also said she'd begun crying a lot about her father again during that week, but insisted the two weren't related. We broke contact, and I removed her from social media.
My feeling at this time: We had an amazing connection, which is really what I miss. I wasn't happy with how much we saw each other, and I wasn't happy with her on/off contact. She also represented the dream of finding a woman with the same priorities as me, someone that understands why I prioritize my son like I do - as well as a woman that could be my partner and confidante.
But, she wasn't actually that person. She also didn't appreciate my humor, which meant I put a lid on it - never a good sign. It occurs to me now, that I've never known her - only her when she's sick with stress, and when she's going through sorrow.
So, I don't think the girl I fell in love with, really exists/was ever attainable. I can certainly feel that I'm not particularly jealous of the next guy she finds, because he's gonna inherit all her baggage and emotional rollercoasters.
Jan 2021: Match with Nadia. She's my age, has a son my son's age, and we hit it off extremely fast. Texting back and forth a few weeks, and then decide to meet up. The evening before we're supposed to meet, she calls it off, saying that an ex has wanted to try things one more time with her. We lose contact.
Jan 2022: We match again. She's over aforementioned ex, and we basically fall back into the same deep connection/conversation. After a few weeks, we meet (children **** schedules up, so it took a while). From there on, we see each other every week, when possible. She's been off work for a while with stress, at that point, but it doesn't bother me.
March 2022: Her father is diagnosed with lung cancer. This cuts down on her weekend time with me, as she wants to go to him. Totally natural response, that I go along with.
June 2022: She starts being more brief with me, and having less time for me, which is understandable - her father isn't doing well, and she's the one that has to start thinking about how to settle his affairs, IF something should happen.
July 4th-ish: She ends it, saying her father was deemed terminal a week prior, and that she's unable to feel her attraction to me, when I'm not near her. Basically our relation creates a "bubble" of freedom, but not one she can really experience often enough for her to thrive. We break contact.
July 5th: She writes me a happy birthday message, and asks if it's okay that she resumes contact. I say thanks, and say "I don't really know", so she doesn't pursue it further.
July 18th-ish: She puts up a "Goodbye Dad" message on FB, he died July 10th. I react to it, and we end up writing again. She's missed me, etc etc. I invite her over for a few days later. All is good, she says she's really missed me, and we agree to slowly start up again.
August 4th: She says she's falling back into the same pattern, and I recognize it too - she's just not capable of feeling for me, while also handling grief. We break contact. At this point I keep an eye on her IG stories and FB posts, looking for clues in either direction. To my mind, she's clearly still interested, so I'm biding my time. OTOH, I'm well aware that she's going though a bunch of stuff, and that it might be years before she's ready for any serious form of commitment. My rule of thumb is thus: Her birthday is Nov 4th - I didn't set an alarm or a reminder, relying instead on memory. If I forgot, I'd obviously gotten over her. If not, then I'd shoot her a nice, neutral "happy birthday" message.
October 28th: She called me at 5 AM, drunk, to talk. I didn't hear it, so I didn't pick up. Did write her a message, though, so we resumed contact. She was adamant she had gotten better, and was ready to try things out. We saw each other as much as possible (I had my son full time during November, so it was limited).
November 28th: She came over, after a week of being ill with a stomach flue (thus, not much contact), and said she no longer felt desire for me. She also said she'd begun crying a lot about her father again during that week, but insisted the two weren't related. We broke contact, and I removed her from social media.
My feeling at this time: We had an amazing connection, which is really what I miss. I wasn't happy with how much we saw each other, and I wasn't happy with her on/off contact. She also represented the dream of finding a woman with the same priorities as me, someone that understands why I prioritize my son like I do - as well as a woman that could be my partner and confidante.
But, she wasn't actually that person. She also didn't appreciate my humor, which meant I put a lid on it - never a good sign. It occurs to me now, that I've never known her - only her when she's sick with stress, and when she's going through sorrow.
So, I don't think the girl I fell in love with, really exists/was ever attainable. I can certainly feel that I'm not particularly jealous of the next guy she finds, because he's gonna inherit all her baggage and emotional rollercoasters.
This is very interesting.
Your narrative suggests that she couldn't make up her mind and created relationship drama with breakups. But you may also be attracted to some of that crap, and possibly vulnerability too. What would a stable and independent woman make of you, if you are interested in such women at all?
There's also the possibility you are making **** up based on a game.
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Vader: the sympathetic interpretation, which I've given, is that her emotional state fluctuated over time. It's probable that she didn't really fall in love with me the first time - but that missing our interactions/having SOMEONE, led her back to me, those two next times.
I definitely have a hero/savior complex of some kind, though the mother of my son did not need to be saved, and I was still attracted to her. I'm a fixer, and I want to help people.
I don't think I'm attracted to vulnerability in and of itself(it's rather unattractive), but rather the intensity (and how fast connections tend to form) that comes when women are vulnerable. It's basically really easy for them to get dependent, and I misjudge that dependence as genuine romantic interest, in me. Does that make sense?
A stable and independent woman would see a stable and independent man - I've dated one, and if she wasn't boring as hell, we'd be a good match. A stable woman with a bit more intellect than the one I dated, would be wonderful. Nadia has intellect, it's what made me fall for her. Not the craziness.
Can't see the game link.
Aveenski: Don't stick your **** in crazy, son.
I definitely have a hero/savior complex of some kind, though the mother of my son did not need to be saved, and I was still attracted to her. I'm a fixer, and I want to help people.
I don't think I'm attracted to vulnerability in and of itself(it's rather unattractive), but rather the intensity (and how fast connections tend to form) that comes when women are vulnerable. It's basically really easy for them to get dependent, and I misjudge that dependence as genuine romantic interest, in me. Does that make sense?
A stable and independent woman would see a stable and independent man - I've dated one, and if she wasn't boring as hell, we'd be a good match. A stable woman with a bit more intellect than the one I dated, would be wonderful. Nadia has intellect, it's what made me fall for her. Not the craziness.
Can't see the game link.
Aveenski: Don't stick your **** in crazy, son.
Makes a lot of sense. You need some kind of a ****test to find which is it or to look for other dependency patterns when the next victim walks into your life.
You need to log in to be able to see what possibly inspired your stories.A stable and independent woman would see a stable and independent man - I've dated one, and if she wasn't boring as hell, we'd be a good match. A stable woman with a bit more intellect than the one I dated, would be wonderful. Nadia has intellect, it's what made me fall for her. Not the craziness.
Can't see the game link.
I do indeed need a test - or to trust my gut about red flags a bit more.
Game looks horrible.
If we played "describe a person with a game", it would be someone we know.Game looks horrible.
Next: Who is "Farming Simulator"? GO!
Pentagathoos
Squire
Well that was uncomfortably familiar, I met a woman not too long after my own father died, we seemed to be spookily well matched. But it was just before the second lockdown over here so everything remained in text space for far too long, she was going through some emotional crap of her own. Even after lockdown it was so hard to arrange a time to meet, she kept being unexpectedly busy when we finally did. Broke contact at some point, made contact again months later. It was sad to let go but eventually I had to break contact for good.
I did meet someone new though, we're still going strong over a year on. It's disgustingly long distance, but I'm a grumpy reclusive bastard so that's not too bad for me, and she likes me enough to put up with the distance for some reason.
I did meet someone new though, we're still going strong over a year on. It's disgustingly long distance, but I'm a grumpy reclusive bastard so that's not too bad for me, and she likes me enough to put up with the distance for some reason.
Let's assume you are a normal, down-to-earth person who doesn't believe in conspiracy theories. But then you run into a potential romantic partner that DOES. Where's the limit of your tolerance and why?
Let's also assume you are not going to smash and run from the hot crazies, but you are looking for a serious relationship.
I think it's off-putting and unattractive when someone spouts conspiracy theories, or just the ignorant or extreme political views and bull**** that have become common in the last several years. I'm not just talking about potential romantic partners; that goes for everyone: public figures, people on the internet, neighbors, business associates, everyone. I can keep my mouth shut around people I encounter day-to-day who say things like that (and then laugh at them after they've left), but I wouldn't want to come home to it.
Also, "not vaxxed, never will be" crosses a big red line, for me at least. Conspiracy theorists might be crazy, but people who refuse to get vaccinated are not only being willfully retarded, they're endangering themselves and others. I can't imagine myself being with someone like that.
Also, "not vaxxed, never will be" crosses a big red line, for me at least. Conspiracy theorists might be crazy, but people who refuse to get vaccinated are not only being willfully retarded, they're endangering themselves and others. I can't imagine myself being with someone like that.
Yeah, but there must be some acceptable limits not to exclude perfectly fine girlfriend material with a minor flaw of believing some stupid ****.
Some conspiracy **** is widely believed and mostly harmless (JFK killed by CIA, ancient aliens theories). Even antivax beliefs come in degrees and some of these may be acceptable to you if they are not too crazy, like doubts in vaccine effectiveness if you are young and healthy.
An example of what should arguably be tolerable for anyone, even if you know it's wrong, is astrology or similarly inconsequential superstitions.
I'm considering dating two different women now, but despite their brains, they might hold ideological beliefs associated with their hard left politics, like antivax stuff. So this is my anxiety talking, "what if they believe crazy antivax stuff, but otherwise are great women for me - what is really a red flag and a justified dealbreaker, and what is inconsequential stupid **** that can be tolerated". I don't want to miss on a good woman because I'm priggish about facts and rationality.
Some conspiracy **** is widely believed and mostly harmless (JFK killed by CIA, ancient aliens theories). Even antivax beliefs come in degrees and some of these may be acceptable to you if they are not too crazy, like doubts in vaccine effectiveness if you are young and healthy.
An example of what should arguably be tolerable for anyone, even if you know it's wrong, is astrology or similarly inconsequential superstitions.
I'm considering dating two different women now, but despite their brains, they might hold ideological beliefs associated with their hard left politics, like antivax stuff. So this is my anxiety talking, "what if they believe crazy antivax stuff, but otherwise are great women for me - what is really a red flag and a justified dealbreaker, and what is inconsequential stupid **** that can be tolerated". I don't want to miss on a good woman because I'm priggish about facts and rationality.
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Sooner or later this difference will really start sticking out when you inevitably reach some 'bigger' decisions that have to be made together. It doesn't really make a difference in casual dating or short-term stuff.
For example, imagine something more long-term develops and some decisions like buying a property, car or whatever have to be made. If you have a significantly different approach to decision making(irrational vs irrational), it will take enormous effort to reach a settlement, compromise or sometimes it'll be entirely impossible. Sometimes you will know you are entirely in the right especially if it's a conclusion that can be logically reached. But how do you appeal with reason to someone that doesn't rely on reason as a decision making factor nearly as much as you do?
If you're lucky, you're more or less compatible and willing to overcome these issues together but as you know it takes time, a lot of time, for someone's character to fully surface. What seems like an odd quirk here and there almost always stems from the core beliefs and if you aren't very compatible in that there will be issues. There are of course degrees to this so it's just a matter of how much you're willing to compromise on.
Personally, JFK would be fine but aliens would not be
For example, imagine something more long-term develops and some decisions like buying a property, car or whatever have to be made. If you have a significantly different approach to decision making(irrational vs irrational), it will take enormous effort to reach a settlement, compromise or sometimes it'll be entirely impossible. Sometimes you will know you are entirely in the right especially if it's a conclusion that can be logically reached. But how do you appeal with reason to someone that doesn't rely on reason as a decision making factor nearly as much as you do?
If you're lucky, you're more or less compatible and willing to overcome these issues together but as you know it takes time, a lot of time, for someone's character to fully surface. What seems like an odd quirk here and there almost always stems from the core beliefs and if you aren't very compatible in that there will be issues. There are of course degrees to this so it's just a matter of how much you're willing to compromise on.
Personally, JFK would be fine but aliens would not be
Astrology is a stretch for me, but it depends how much of a believer they are.
Moon landings is dumb, so is anti-vaxxer. JFK is more in the realm of speculation, which can be fun as a passtime - but shouldn't be the kind of stuff that's brought up at family dinners.
Moon landings is dumb, so is anti-vaxxer. JFK is more in the realm of speculation, which can be fun as a passtime - but shouldn't be the kind of stuff that's brought up at family dinners.
In the end you are the only person who can answer that question. Being an antivaxxer seems like a pretty strong and fundamental incompatibility to me though. What happens when say you end up having kids and she refuses to have them vaccinated? Other things might be fine - my wife believes in ghosts, which makes me shake my head and chuckle to myself but doesn't really do any harm. Worst case we might have to pass on buying a creepy house for cheaper when we finally have enough money saved for a US housing market down payment in 2085.
So, to make a long, messy story short, when I was around 16-18 I developed a huge crush on a (beautiful, funny, sweet-ish) girl which lasted for a few years, but didn't result in anything. In early 2020 I finally came to my senses and moved on. Since then we've met a couple of times as friends, which has been fun. Our last meeting (about six weeks ago) went really well, and I started to fantasize that maybe I had a chance with her after all. Perhaps the fact that we were both a few years more mature now, a bit more comfortable around one another, and both still single (or so I thought) might present a chance for something special. I was hoping to see her again this weekend, and I was dreaming that if the right opportunity presented itself, I might just go for it. Christ, I've wanted to kiss her for many of the last ten years, wouldn't it be nice if I was finally about to get my chance. Instead, today I learned she has a boyfriend now. I'm glad I found out now before I made an ass of myself. **** hurts, though.
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