Dating Thread, v. II

[eddiemccandless]

So this is my anxiety talking, "what if they believe crazy antivax stuff, but otherwise are great women for me - what is really a red flag and a justified dealbreaker, and what is inconsequential stupid **** that can be tolerated". I don't want to miss on a good woman because I'm priggish about facts and rationality.

In the end you are the only person who can answer that question. Being an antivaxxer seems like a pretty strong and fundamental incompatibility to me though. What happens when say you end up having kids and she refuses to have them vaccinated? Other things might be fine - my wife believes in ghosts, which makes me shake my head and chuckle to myself but doesn't really do any harm. Worst case we might have to pass on buying a creepy house for cheaper when we finally have enough money saved for a US housing market down payment in 2085.

 

[Arvenski]

So, to make a long, messy story short, when I was around 16-18 I developed a huge crush on a (beautiful, funny, sweet-ish) girl which lasted for a few years, but didn't result in anything. In early 2020 I finally came to my senses and moved on. Since then we've met a couple of times as friends, which has been fun. Our last meeting (about six weeks ago) went really well, and I started to fantasize that maybe I had a chance with her after all. Perhaps the fact that we were both a few years more mature now, a bit more comfortable around one another, and both still single (or so I thought) might present a chance for something special. I was hoping to see her again this weekend, and I was dreaming that if the right opportunity presented itself, I might just go for it. Christ, I've wanted to kiss her for many of the last ten years, wouldn't it be nice if I was finally about to get my chance. Instead, today I learned she has a boyfriend now. I'm glad I found out now before I made an ass of myself. **** hurts, though.

 

[Kentucky 『 ＨＥＩＧＵＩ 』 James]

today I learned she has a boyfriend now

That always hurts me on some level even if it's some girl i only liked years ago lol

 

[Mad Vader]

I heard an opposite story just yesterday from an online friend.
So he was 25 and went to uni for a second degree, and was moonstruck by a girl he met the first day there. She apparently had a boyfriend (the good ones frequently do!) of several years, and his friends told him he needs to move on. But he wanted this girl and ultimately won her.
15 years later they are happily married with 2 kids.
Much better than fantasies!
However, he's an assertive character who doesn't mind playing dirty if it gets the job done, although he has integrity and doesn't do mean or stupid ****.

 

[Antonis]

Ooof. Yeah, that hurts, especially if you allow yourself to daydream and such. Which is always dangerous, but it is common when deep feelings are concerned.

 

[Arvenski]

So, there have been many times where I've missed the opportunity to see someone important, especially girls. Like the girl who told me to look her up on FB, only for me to realize afterwards that I didn't know her full name. Or all the times I missed out on spending time with my crush when she visited the farm, because she'd visit on the day I wasn’t there, or on the days I had to leave early to go home and deal with my mother's problems for her (long story). Or all the times when I was too busy to talk, or she was in a hurry to leave, presumably so she could go home and watch TV. Anyway, I thought that **** was in the past.

So, there's this neighbor girl who I've liked for a couple of years. I've talked about her before. I asked her out last spring (2022), but she politely declined. I could have chosen my moment better: that was my fault. A month or so later I tried to see her at her parents' house, but was told she'd left for college the day before. (See where this is going?) I've been hoping for a chance to see her ever since she came home from college in June, but haven't had a chance. I think she's usually working or out with friends, and the couple times I've seen her car in the driveway I haven’t had the courage to stop. A few nights ago I was driving home when I saw her car at her grandparents' house. I thought this was my chance, but by the time I turned around she was leaving. ****. It did make me realize that she'll be going back to college soon, and if I don't see her soon I might not get another chance until the holidays. So this noon I stopped by her parents' house. Her car was there, so I mustered my courage and went to the door. I talked to her mom for a couple minutes, and then asked if the girl was there. Nope, she's just flown to New York City.

I know thsse sort of missed opportunities are going to happen every once in a while, that's life. But it's like this happens almost every time I might meet someone. It's like the universe is actively trying to arrange these failed non-encounters. What the actual ****.

Sorry for the textwall, I just needed to write out my thoughts. I'm not upset, I'm actually laughing, but this is starting to feel surreal.

 

[Mad Vader]

I would advise not obsessing over girls you don't even speak to, that's counter-productive as they become useless fantasies. Fantasies are ultimately frustrating as they are not real and tend not to become real. They also prevent you from pursuing real opportunities.
Conversely, I would advise speaking to all kinds of girls, real ones, because that's the kind of stuff that's good for you and may even lead to something.

When I was 21 or something, I had a series of pointless crushes since high school and no real relationships. I decided I had enough being miserable over unattainable fantasies and started consciously to prevent future crushes. This did me a world of good as I was free to pursue real relationships where you commit based on interplay of signals and not just because you felt like having a crush as if it is a good thing.

 

[Arvenski]

I'll admit I was obsessed with the girl I talked about several posts above, but that's mostly gone and I hope I won't do that ever again. Like you said, unattainable and frustrating.

This neighbor girl, I'm not obsessed with her, I'm just trying to take advantage of whatever opportunities life presents. I don't really have feelings for her other than noticing that she's cute, hardworking, and comes from a similar background as I do. It seems worth a shot, and I've noticed that I feel better about myself even when I try and fail, like today, because at least I was brave enough to try.

 

[Kentucky 『 ＨＥＩＧＵＩ 』 James]

So this noon I stopped by her parents' house. Her car was there, so I mustered my courage and went to the door. I talked to her mom for a couple minutes, and then asked if the girl was there. Nope, she's just flown to New York City.

You live in a gott damn korean drama.

 

[Vermillion_Hawk]

I'll admit I was obsessed with the girl I talked about several posts above, but that's mostly gone and I hope I won't do that ever again. Like you said, unattainable and frustrating.

This neighbor girl, I'm not obsessed with her, I'm just trying to take advantage of whatever opportunities life presents. I don't really have feelings for her other than noticing that she's cute, hardworking, and comes from a similar background as I do. It seems worth a shot, and I've noticed that I feel better about myself even when I try and fail, like today, because at least I was brave enough to try.

Picture someone telling you, after you've already told them you're not interested, that they're pursuing you because you're advantageous and convenient.

Vader's advice is entirely relevant - don't pursue fantasies. Pursue someone who's real, who you've built the foundations of a relationship with already. Make friends at work, somewhere you hang out frequently, wherever - then worry about asking someone out.

 

[Arvenski]

You live in a gott damn korean drama.

Now you tell me.

 

[Orion]

Vader's advice is entirely relevant - don't pursue fantasies. Pursue someone who's real, who you've built the foundations of a relationship with already. Make friends at work, somewhere you hang out frequently, wherever - then worry about asking someone out.

A hundred times this. Shared interests are a great starting point for any relationship, friendly or romantic. A shared interest is why any of us are here on a Turkish video game's forum to begin with, and shared interests can naturally resolve the most awkward step: initiating. When both people have a clearly understood reason for being somewhere, not only does it present opportunity but it also gives you something to talk about initially. If you're going to be running into each other in that setting regularly, don't jump the gun (especially in a professional environment!), just start with the intention of making a new friend. Later down the line you can make a more informed choice on whether you want to go further, based on what you now know of that person. If you get turned down then you still have a friend, and good friends look out for each other. They'll have friends of their own, and might help you make introductions. If they're not your friend after turning you down, then they weren't really your friend before, either.

If you're in a field of work dominated by one or the other sex and don't meet a lot of people of your preference, then find a hobby group. Everybody should have something they do in their free time that isn't just maintenance of themselves or their space, and there are bound to be people who share that hobby with you. Let the ice break itself.

 

[Seff]

Case in point: I've met six interested women through Iron Age, WWII reenactment, and the board gaming club.