It’s sunrise. Lord Pigritius wakes up in his bedchambers, atop of his keep. The servants come with a bowl of water for him and his dear Lady Messalina to wash if they pleased, and help them to get dressed.
Lord Pigritius descends the stairs of his keep. As he passes through the hall, his subjects are already awoken, and all go out to the castle’s chapel to attend Mass. Because Lord Pigritius is a very religious man, he makes sure the chapel is always beautifully decorated and the fat priest Hypocritius is always fatter. God is pleased.
Lord Pigritius takes his lady and his servants to his hall, to break his fast. Only some bread and light ale are served, perhaps some fruits. The Lord sits in a higher table than the rest. By his side are his lady wife, his steward, his captain of the guard, perhaps Hypocritius, his son and heir Lordling Rufus and his fair daughters Sybilla and Palmyra.
After fasting, the proud Lord goes on his lordly duties: administers justice, condemning three poachers to lose their hands; recieves the taxes due by his tenants, who agree to pay their 10% to the church and 20% to their Lord; deals with an envoy from his neighbour Lord Sulphurus, who offers to marry his son Procrustus to his fair daughter Palmyra; and sends word to the wine merchant in Mosstown to bring a dozen pipes of Chianti wine.
Once he is done, Lord Pigritius goes to the yard of his castle, along with his son Rufus and his captain of the guard. He oversees the archery pratices, praising his son for the remarkable feature of hitting the target once in 274 tries. Some of the guardsmen are praticing with their swords and shields, and the mighty Lord shows his prowess in arms by single-handedly knocking all of them out with his belly.
After that exausting time, the Lord decides it is time for some recreation. He calls for the kennel keeper to bring his best hounds, and orders his men to mount; they are gouing into the Pisswood, in the Lord’s domains, for a hunt. Once all are prepared, the Lord bids farewell to his lady wife and his steward, whom are en route to the Lords bedchamber to discuss matters of importance. Lord Pigritius rides away through the Mud Gate of his castle, followed by his party.
As they cross the bridge over the Weewater river, they see a merchant arguing with a guardsman. The Lord demands to know what is happening, and it turns out that the wine merchant didn’t want to pay a 40% fee to cross the river. The generous Lord halves it to 60% and rides away. Sadly, the Lord is not exceptionally good with numbers.
After a long chase, Lord Pigritius and his party manage to catch a big deer. In their way back home, the Lord boasts of his hunting skills, and how he was the terror of the squirrels and bunnies of the realm in his youth. Back to the castle, it’s time for dinner; the Lord takes his place in the hall along with his subjects and family. Today, he has a great announcement: the bethrotal of his daughter Palmyra to Lord Procrustus; Everybody cheers. He raises a taste to the match, in wich he is accompanied by his court, and takes his huge cask of Chianti wine in one breath.And proceeds to eat: roasted chicken, pork, beef, mutton and deer; plenty of bread; wine and ale; soups and potages; salt fish; fruits; and even exotic lemoncakes.
When the meal is over, the Lord has a bellyful, but suddenly possessed by desire,and decides to take some rest after such a burden some day. He goes upstair with his lady wife, and no longer after both have taken off their clothes, the Lord asks:
-Messalina, where did you learn these new abominations? I love it!
When Lord Pigritius is done with his duties as husband, he leaves his lady wife in his bedchmbers and descends the stairs to meet with his treasurer and the envoy of Lord Sulphurus, to arrenge the details of the wedding. In his way to the hall, The Lord meets Father Hypocritius, whom goes in the opposite direction. He says that Lady Messalina hasn’t confessed yet, and sent word to him to come to her as she felt indisposed.The Lord takes the blessing of the priest and goes to the hall.
He talks with the envoy, and insists that the wedding be made in his castle, not Lord Sulphurus’. He also wants the father of the bridegroom to give his daughter a decent wedding gift, perhaps the villages of Crookhall and Thugstone. The envoy refuses, saying that his Lord wants to pay for half the expenses whilst Lord Pigritius pays the other half, and that the wedding happens in the Cathedral of Mosstown. They are still arguing when a page announces the arrival of Sir Crappus, Lord Pigritius brother. The Lord orders that supper is served immediately and all come to welcome his brother.
The Lord sits in his hall by the fire, with his relatives, drinking his Chianti and talking to his brother of their adventures in the Second Butthurt War. Sir Crappus bursts into laughter, telling drunken jokes of how Rufus resembles the steward, Palmyra is as fat as Father Hypocritius and Sybilla has the face of a hound. Laughing, too, Lord Pigritius asks fore the last cup of wine - the Sleep Wine - and tells the singer to sing Justinus Biboerius’ songs.
It’s evening already. All the subjects go to the Hall for their sleep. The Lord, half drunk, climbs the stairs with the help of his son, for his sleep, barely noticing this lady wife skipping to the yard, in company of the kennel master, to the barns.