What made you laugh today - Fifth Edition

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Captured Joe said:
Not that I know anything of poetry, but those don't seem so bad to me...

Rev. George Gilfillan of Dundee, I must conclude my muse,
And to write in praise of thee my pen does not refuse,
Nor does it give me pain to tell the world fearlessly, that when
You are dead they shall not look upon your like again.

Huh?
 
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Antonis said:
’TWAS on a Monday morning, and in the year of 1884,
That a fire broke out in Bailie Bradford’s store,
Which contained bales of jute and large quantities of waste,
Which the brave firemen ran to extinguish in great haste.

They left their wives that morning without any dread,
Never thinking, at the burning pile, they would be killed dead
By the falling of the rickety and insecure walls;
When I think of it, kind Christians, my heart it appals!

Because it has caused widows and their families to shed briny tears,
For there hasn’t been such a destructive fire for many years;
Whereby four brave firemen have perished in the fire,
And for better fathers or husbands no family could desire.

’Twas about five o’clock in the morning the fire did break out,
While one of the workmen was inspecting the premises round about–
Luckily before any one had begun their work for the day–
So he instantly gave the alarm without delay.

At that time only a few persons were gathered on the spot,
But in a few minutes some hundreds were got,
Who came flying in all directions, and in great dismay;
So they help’d to put out the fire without delay.

But the spreading flames, within the second flats, soon began to appear,
Which filled the spectators’ hearts with sympathy and fear,
Lest any one should lose their life in the merciless fire,
When they saw it bursting out and ascending higher and higher.

Captain Ramsay, of the Dundee Fire Brigade, was the first to arrive,
And under his directions the men seemed all alive,
For they did their work heroically, with all their might and main,
In the midst of blinding smoke and the burning flame.

As soon as the catastrophe came to be known,
The words, Fire! Fire! from every mouth were blown;
And a cry of despair rang out on the morning air,
When they saw the burning pile with its red fiery glare.

While a dense cloud of smoke seemed to darken the sky,
And the red glaring flame ascended up on high,
Which made the scene appear weird-like around;
While from the spectators was heard a murmuring sound.

But the brave firemen did their duty manfully to the last,
And plied the water on the burning pile, copiously and fast;
But in a moment, without warning, the front wall gave way,
Which filled the people’s hearts with horror and dismay:

Because four brave firemen were killed instantaneously on the spot,
Which by the spectators will never be forgot;
While the Fire Fiend laughingly did hiss and roar,
As he viewed their mangled bodies. with the debris covered o’er.

But in the midst of dust and fire they did their duty well,
Aye! in the midst of a shower of bricks falling on them pell-mell,
Until they were compelled to let the water-hose go;
While the blood from their bruised heads and arms did flow.

But brave James Fyffe held on to the hose until the last,
And when found in the debris, the people stood aghast.
When they saw him lying dead, with the hose in his hand,
Their tears for him they couldn’t check nor yet command.

Oh, heaven! I must confess it was no joke
To see them struggling in the midst of suffocating smoke,
Each man struggling hard, no doubt, to save his life,
When he thought of his dear children and his wife.

But still the merciless flame shot up higher and higher;
Oh, God! it is terrible and cruel to perish by fire;
Alas! it was saddening and fearful to behold,
When I think of it, kind Christians, it makes my blood run cold.

What makes the death of Fyffe the more distressing,
He was going to be the groomsman at his sister’s bridal dressing,
Who was going to be married the next day;
But, alas! the brave hero’s life was taken away.

But accidents will happen by land and by sea,
Therefore, to save ourselves from accidents, we needn’t try to flee,
For whatsoever God has ordained will come to pass;
For instance, ye may be killed by a stone or a piece of glass.

I hope the Lord will provide for the widows in their distress,
For they are to be pitied, I really must confess;
And I hope the public of Dundee will lend them a helping hand;
To help the widows and the fatherless is God’s command.

All hail to the Rev. George Gilfillan of Dundee,
He is the greatest preacher I did ever hear or see.
He is a man of genius bright,
And in him his congregation does delight,
Because they find him to be honest and plain,
Affable in temper, and seldom known to complain.
He preaches in a plain straightforward way,
The people flock to hear him night and day,
And hundreds from the doors are often turn’d away,
Because he is the greatest preacher of the present day.
He has written the life of Sir Walter Scott,
And while he lives he will never be forgot,
Nor when he is dead,
Because by his admirers it will be often read;
And fill their minds with wonder and delight,
And wile away the tedious hours on a cold winter’s night.
He has also written about the Bards of the Bible,
Which occupied nearly three years in which he was not idle,
Because when he sits down to write he does it with might and main,
And to get an interview with him it would be almost vain,
And in that he is always right,
For the Bible tells us whatever your hands findeth to do,
Do it with all your might.
Rev. George Gilfillan of Dundee, I must conclude my muse,
And to write in praise of thee my pen does not refuse,
Nor does it give me pain to tell the world fearlessly, that when
You are dead they shall not look upon your like again.

Ye Sons of Great Britain! come join with me
And sing in praise of the gallant British Armie,
That behaved right manfully in the Soudan,
At the great battle of Omdurman.

’Twas in the year of 1898, and on the 2nd of September,
Which the Khalifa and his surviving followers will long remember,
Because Sir Herbert Kitchener has annihilated them outright,
By the British troops and Soudanese in the Omdurman fight.

The Sirdar and his Army left the camp in grand array,
And marched on to Omdurman without delay,
Just as the brigades had reached the crest adjoining the Nile,
And became engaged with the enemy in military style.

The Dervishes had re-formed under cover of a rocky eminence,
Which to them, no doubt, was a strong defence,
And they were massed together in battle array
Around the black standard of the Khalifa, which made a grand display.

But General Maxwell’s Soudanese brigade seized the eminence in a short time,
And General Macdonald’s brigade then joined the firing line;
And in ten minutes, long before the attack could be driven home,
The flower of the Khalifa’s army was almost overthrown.

Still manfully the dusky warriors strove to make headway,
But the Soudanese troops and British swept them back without dismay,
And their main body were mown down by their deadly fire—
But still the heroic Dervishes refused to retire.

And defiantly they planted their standards and died by them,
To their honour be it said, just like brave men;
But at last they retired, with their hearts full of woe,
Leaving the field white with corpses, like a meadow dotted with snow.

The chief heroes in the fight were the 21st Lancers;
They made a brilliant charge on the enemy with ringing cheers,
And through the dusky warriors bodies their lances they did thrust,
Whereby many of them were made to lick the dust.

Then at a quarter past eleven the Sirdar sounded the advance,
And the remnant of the Dervishes fled, which was their only chance,
While the cavalry cut off their retreat while they ran;
Then the Sirdar, with the black standard of the Khalifa, headed for Omdurman.

And when the Khalifa saw his noble army cut down,
With rage and grief he did fret and frown;
Then he spurred his noble steed, and swiftly it ran,
While inwardly to himself he cried, “Catch me if you can!”

And Mahdism now has received a crushing blow,
For the Khalifa and his followers have met with a complete overthrow;
And General Gordon has been avenged, the good Christian,
By the defeat of the Khalifa at the battle of Omdurman.

Now since the Khalifa has been defeated and his rule at an end,
Let us thank God that fortunately did send
The brave Sir Herbert Kitchener to conquer that bad man,
The inhuman Khalifa, and his followers at the battle of Omdurman.

Success to Sir Herbert Kitchener! he is a great commander,
And as skilful in military tactics as the great Alexander,
Because he devised a very wise plan,
And by it has captured the town of Omdurman.

I wish success to the British and Soudanese Army,
May God protect them by land and by sea,
May he enable them always to conquer the foe,
And to establish what’s right wherever they go.

God prosper long our noble Queen,
      And long may she reign!
Maclean he tried to shoot her,
      But it was all in vain.

For God He turned the ball aside
      Maclean aimed at her head;
And he felt very angry
      Because he didn’t shoot her dead.

There’s a divinity that hedges a king,
      And so it does seem,
And my opinion is, it has hedged
      Our most gracious Queen.

Maclean must be a madman,
      Which is obvious to be seen,
Or else he wouldn’t have tried to shoot
      Our most beloved Queen.

Victoria is a good Queen,
      Which all her subjects know,
And for that God has protected her
      From all her deadly foes.

She is noble and generous,
      Her subjects must confess;
There hasn’t been her equal
      Since the days of good Queen Bess.

Long may she be spared to roam
      Among the bonnie Highland floral,
And spend many a happy day
      In the palace of Balmoral.

Because she is very kind
      To the old women there,
And allows them bread, tea, and sugar,
      And each one to get a share.

And when they know of her coming,
      Their hearts feel overjoy’d,
Because, in general, she finds work
      For men that’s unemploy’d.

And she also gives the gipsies money
      While at Balmoral, I’ve been told,
And, mind ye, seldom silver,
      But very often gold.

I hope God will protect her
      By night and by day,
At home and abroad,
      When she’s far away.

May He be as a hedge around her,
      As He’s been all along,
And let her live and die in peace
      Is the end of my song.
"What if Kipling had several strokes?"
 
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-48744643

Locals also bought more than 200 crates of beer in the town's supermarkets.

They suspected that fans going to the "Shield and Sword" (SS) festival would descend on supermarkets, knowing about the alcohol ban, which had been imposed by a Dresden court.

An Ostritz society activist, Georg Salditt, told Germany's popular Bild daily: "The plan was devised a week in advance. We wanted to dry the Nazis out. We thought, if an alcohol ban is coming, we'll empty the shelves at the Penny [supermarket]."

When the nazis are coming to your town so you buy all the beer so they have none  :lol:
 
That feeling when a summer school dedicated to sports law (which in the european context means a lot of EU law) invites people from, among other countries, Saudi Arabia, Russia or Turkey and makes them all watch a documentary on 1998 Nagano Ice Hockey Olympics  :twisted: Regarding Czech republic, this is akin to Germans making people watch war newsreels from 1940 or the Soviets making people watch the Great Patriotic War propaganda  :lol:
 
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