Things troops say

[killer-blead]

Ever wondered what the troops would say when they could talk? What they would say to eachother and to you?

Write in this thread what you think they'd say. This can be written in the form of quotations or as a letter, just make it sound fun. 



Mi lord,

I can't even afford a new pair of boots! That's because the economy is crumbeling and everytime mi hometown veluca makes more leather you keep buying them all! please stop.

~Wandering farmers

--------

Dear Jarls,

We as Nord Huscarls are the pride and strength of the Nord faction. We've spent countless months training to become what we are now, we train tirelessly to perfect ourselves and are the most feared troops in combat. We are the perfect answer against any infantry force! so please Jarls, for the love of god, stop making us fight horse archers!

Hail Ragnar,

Nords Huscarl

-----

Dear bandits,

Please stop attacking our village.

Regards,

Peasants

----

Dear peasants,

No.

Bandits,


----

To all whom it may concern,

We don't actually drink from skulls,  Skulls are terribly unhygienic some of us just want your money or your life. but most of us are nice when you get to know us. We even compliment you on the head on your shoulders. So please don't attack us on sight. We just want to be friends.

~Searaiders

----

You know, I've always wanted to be a hero by stealing from the rich and giving to the poor and needy. Of course we are also very poor and needy, so hand over your pursssssessonal belongings

Forest bandits

----

 

[sandoval]

- "I can't believe our boss is still wearing that battered byrnie and riding the same swaybacked saddlehorse he had when I was still a peasant" - Swadian Knight to another


- "Now that you have acquired packhorses, we can no longer accept the demeaning task of carrying your goods. Since it was your decision, we refuse all responsibility for the resulting reduced transport capacity, and will respond to attempts to decrease the agreed wages with the appropriate industrial action " from a letter of the United Calradian Soldiers Union to the player character.


- "Let's place our new lair at the same spot as the one before last time. They never figure that out." Forrest bandit to another.


"… and after every battle we make a heap of all the junk lying around – you know broken weapons, discarded armour and such – and tell the boss that's his share of the loot. He never suspects anything." Veteran to a new recruit in your party.

 

[Kentucky 『 ＨＥＩＧＵＩ 』 James]

"Dear ma,

Today, as I was out for my daily aimless stroll around the village, I noticed a strange young man asking for fighting volunteers. On a whim I joined him, despite the fact that he only paid me the price of a single hotel room every week.

Turns out he's a complete tourist. Last town we were in, he bought a few shirts for hundreds of times more than they were worth. They dust it down and call it "lordly", he pays a hundred times more. And now he wants to be king.

Now, mam, I'm a swadian knight now and I paid under 200 denars for all my things. This fool buys the same for 20,000.

Get me out, ma"

 

[Liam1127]

"Sire, you requested us to use our blunt weapons. We must follow this instruction by the letter. Those without a blunt object - a hammer, a horse, or a stick you found on the floor, prepare for fisticuffs!"

 

[killer-blead]

Dear [playername]


I may have never met you before, but I love you. Who are you?


~A lord upon meeting a player with high renown.

 

[Kharille]

"Does my Leader need to use me as a human shield?  My own shield is in several pieces!"

"Where is our leader?"

".... charge?"

"Every time they run out of arrows we get sent up to die to make room for the other archers..."

 

[sirballington]

"A battle worth a song! I almost feel sorry for them -- bunch of ragtag brigands thinking they stand a chance against us, led by our glorious lea---- wait, where is he? Boss? Boss?"

~"Your forces were victorious! Casualties: You (1 wounded), Total (1 wounded)"

 

[Liam1127]

Nord Huscarl: My lord, we are outnumbered, but their weak militia forces are no match for us huscarls! We will surely take this castle without injury if you take part.

You: Eh, I think I'd like to sit this one out, I just just fought off twenty other lords which took me 3 hours...

Nord Huscarl: Very well.

You were victorious
Your casualties: 79 Nord Huscarls (70 killed, 9 wounded)

Nord Huscarl: Sire, your moral support was needed for victory...

Moral of the story: Auto-resolve takes no note of character skill, only numbers...

 

[Vraelomon]

A conversation between fellow nord archers in a firing line.

Archer 1: "Hmm...bout 50 enemies...all mounted...what should we do?"
Archer 2: "I know! Keep shooting, until they get about thirty yards away. Then, draw your swords, break the line, and slowly move backwards until they come and tear us to peices!"
Archer 1: "Brilliant!"

 

[Desideratus]

Dear Urist McPlayer:

It's been about ten minutes since you WE took that castle. In five we could see the entirety of the enemy army staring at us about twenty yards away, building a ladder (Yes, a ladder). Three minutes ago you said you were "Going to get some more food" for the garrison. Two minutes ago we found the pantry, stuffed with enough food to last approximately forever. One minute ago a ladder appeared on a broken piece of wall that wasn't there before. We expect your arrival soon.

Sincerely Recruit James, 1 of the 100 99 20 troops in the garrison of your new castle.

 

[Do not look here]

"Hey, Sven. Sven!"
"What?"
"Have you noticed boss' smile is a bit brighter since last battle with Swadians?"
"I be damned, it is!"
"We should totally ask for lower wages, that smile is reward itself"
"Brilliant idea, Knut! Spread the word!"

 

[killer-blead]

We've been harassing the farmers before it was cool.

~ River pirates


-------


I think the most fun in defending a castle is when they've yet to realise they're suppose to put up ladders instead of siegetowers, they spend 2 days building it and when they roll it up the mountain it rolls straight back down with atleast 20 men on it screaming their lungs out.

~ Rhodok Sergeant

 

[Foeurdr]

• To all Noyans
  -----------------​
  After a long reflexion and in-depth investigation of our army, we, almighty ruler of the caraldian steppe and sole and rightful ruler of all Caraldia, came to the following conclusions as to how improve our tactics
  
  • Hit and run tactic :
  Advised when the ennemy is numerous, spread your army in a line await for the impact (Hit) and solely after break the formation and fall back (Run), as number is only a pain since our horsemen keep on going in each other way it's better to reduce the number to increase the overall efficacity of the remaining horsemen.
  • Column charge
  When surpassing the ennemy, charge in a thight columns, minimizing the losses due to the collision and ennemy archers during the charge

Khan Sanjar​

-------
​

 

[killer-blead]

As a looter we don't get many benefits, We lack armour and skills to put up a good fight against pretty much anyone. But there is one thing they will never take from us, our tan! Our godly tanned bodies!

~ Looters

 

[Vraelomon]

A conversation between fellow looters one day when...

Looter 1: Sir, some chum just rode up and told us we could either surrender ourselves  to him, or we can fight him and die!
Looter 2: Hmm. This is most strange. How many man does he have?
Looter 1: About 75 Khergit lancers and horse archers sir.
Looter 2: Alright. How many men do we have to fight him with?
Looter 1: Six sir.
Looter 2: Pfft. They dont stand a chance. Tell them I said 'As you wish. Prepare to die!' Go  on, we  can take him.

 

[sirballington]

"Sire, there's a battle going on between our ally, Jarl Logarson and enemies from the Vaegir Kingdom."
"We need to give aid to our ally, then. How many men does Jarl Logarson have?"
"210, sire."
"Enemy troops and composition?"
"9 village farmers."
"Let's go."

You have 301 troops fit for battle against their 9.

 

[Mravac Kid]

"I miss Zendar, it was so nice and quiet there... nobody ever even thought of attacking it. And nobody else got in on my trade, either."

- Ramun, the slave trader

 

[Yohan]

Two enemy soldiers before a battle :

- HA ! We have 300 men against their 100 ! We'll crush them !

Battle result 1 : 149 killed. PC's army : 15 wounded.

-We still outnumber them ! They're tired, we'll finish them off now !

Battle result 2 : 149 killed. PC's army : 5 wounded.

- Only us two left against 80 ! They are charging us, what do we do ?
-WE CAN DO IT ! ATTACK !

 

[Yohan]

Enemy commander : So, how many men do they have ?
Scout : Mylord, they don't have any men. They are all women.
EC: WHAT ? Are you drunk or blind ?
S: I swear on my life it is the truth, mylord. Some of them didn't have a helmet on, I am sure I'm not mistaken.
EC: What kind of idiot brings women to a battlefield ?! He must be crazy !
S: Mylord, the enemy commander is also a woman.
EC: ....................... BWAHAHAHAHA ! A woman leading women into battle ! What a joke !
S: Actually mylord, I have heard a rumor about a warrior-woman who teaches other women how to fight. She calls them "sword sisters" and leads them into battle. I didn't believe this story until today, but now I certainly do. I counted about 60 of them, all on horseback and wearing heavy armor.
EC: So what ? Putting a woman into a set of armor doesn't make a soldier ! They probably need all their strenght and concentration just to avoid falling off their horse, and we outnumber them two to one ! This will be the easiest battle of our lives !

( A while later, after a crushing defeat...)

EC: Enough ! You win today, woman ! Ach, the shame of it !
Female PC: You are my prisoner now.