Tell me what you think of the book I'm writing. =O

[Heafodban]

It isn't too long so far, only a few pages on Microsoft Word. It is a parody by the way, if you don't like stupidity then you're not going to like this at all...

Do you think the dialog is too cliché? (The dialog I insert, not the characters, cliché as in too overused in "internet comedy")
Use of the word sky too overdone as to the point of just being annoying?

General impressions?

Spoiler

We don’t know where the Earth went, but it left its atmosphere behind. My name is Joson Smith, aviator, I run junk in and out of Sky-city, the biggest city on Earth, or at least, left from Earth. Although Sky-city is the commerce capital of the Northern Sky-Empire, don’t let that fool you, the city is full of sky-scum: Ruthless Sky-Gangs, and even worse, the Sky-Plague. But over all it’s not all that bad, selling sky-junk pays well, well enough to wash away my sorrows by getting sky-drunk! Anyways, it’s 2607 hours and I’m late for work.

Chapter one – Trouble in the skies.

“Joson… Joson Smith!”
A cry cried over the sky-com, it was first class pilot Rebecca Myrsky, daughter of Jacob Myrsky, an Admiral in the Northern Sky-Empire’s Sky-Corps.
“The fuel filter you sold me is total junk!”
Joson lazily rolled out of bed to answer the door.
“The fuel filter is trash! Junk!” Rebecca yelled angrily.
“Well” Joson replied “You know what they say” Followed by a long pause. “Sky-junk is sky-junk” he said, lighting a sky-cigar.
“Well excuse me, I thought you sold quality goods, I might as well have bought one form a sky-gang” Rebecca said forcefully.
“If you want to trade with the sprout-heads that’s fine with me” Joson replied coolly. “But if they splice your DNA, don’t come crying back home for supper, because daddy’s not going to be there to pick up the pieces”
“You’re sky-scum” Rebecca said, slamming the door.
“Well, that was pleasant” came a voice from the back of the room, it was Spudky, Joson’s zany talking pet, who yes, is going to be the wise cracking comic relief.
“Yeah about as pleasant as the sky-plague!” Joson replied coolly.
“Speaking of the sky-plague, don’t you have a shipment of sky-meds to deliver to the sky-doctor from Dougle street this morning?”
“That was today?!” Joson said, obviously surprised, and not quite as coolly as usual.
“I’ve still got some time” Joson said, looking down at his sky-watch. If I take the hyper train I can make it!”
“There goes breakfast” said Spudky, rolling his eyes.
Holstering his steam pistol Joson rushed out, unknowing of what dangers lied ahead.
“ALL ABORD!” came a cry from the sky-conductor, followed by a sharp scream from the steam, gushing out of the awaiting hyper-train; a super fast passenger transport that doesn’t sacrifice pain for gain.
“One ticket” Joson said coolly.
“That’ll be five sky-credits please”. Replied the conductor, who’s probably going to be played by an older Blackman with a white mustache in the movie.
Stepping on board Joson grabbed the railing with one hand, suddenly, in the blink of an eye, the train zipped off, throwing some passengers out of their seats. The train was rushing through Sky-city at 500 sky-miles an hour, passing many skymarks, such as sky-city-hall. The train then stopped as abruptly as it had started, throwing some passengers back into their seats.
“ALL OFFBOARD” Yelled the conductor.
Joson quickly jumped to his feat in order to beat the other passengers to the door.
“Well, here we are, Dougle street, just as run down and sky-scum infested as I remember”.
Joson began his walk down the dark street, with sky-skyscrapers hovering over him, so tall reaching into the sky, almost as to get away from the misery and despair of the lower levels of sky-city.
“Door 27, if it wasn’t for the sign you’d think it was just another drug-den” Joson said coolly.
“Hey doc” Joson said, pushing the intercom “I brought the sky-meds”
Suddenly a looking slot opened in the rusty iron door, making kind of a “chwchit!” sound.
“Ah yes, once second please” replied a voice from inside. “Alright, come in”
Joson opened the door as it moaned with the sound of bending iron.
“I thought you said you were going to fix that door doc?” commented Joson coolly.
“Well you know how it is, so much work to do, the little things have to be pushed…aside.” The sky-doctor replied, sanding there in the hall with a long white medical robe. “Well, let us get onto business, did you bring the meds?”
“Of course doc, I didn’t come down here to read you a lullaby.” Joson answered coolly, throwing the sky-meds to the doctor.
“Great, these are in prime condition”
“So where is my payment?” Joson asked coolly.
“Well you see… I have some new… business partners who aren’t in the field of payment.” Replied the doctor.
“What…? New business partners? What the hell is going on here doc?” Joson replied angrily, and pretty awesomely as well because he said hell.
“Joson, you should have known a medical business on Dougle street wouldn’t last long before the sprout-heads got involved, I’m afraid it’s the only way to make money, and money is king in sky-city” The doctor said as four green haired sprout-head gang members stepped out into the hall.
“Yeah but you forgot something…” replied Joson quietly.
“Oh? And what is that?” replied the doctor mockingly scared.
“Paper beats rock!” Yelled Joson loudly.
“Huh?… what does that even m…” before the doctor could finish replying Joson pulled out his steam pistol and with steam gushing out of the…steam jets? Yeah that’s pretty cool, with steam gushing out of the steam jets Joson fired two shots, head-shotting two of the four sprout-heads.
“I should have known that you’d bring that illegal steam revolver!” the doctor said fearfully, while the other sprout-heads ran off.
“Yeah, this six chambered sauna is always ready to take your order… would you like fries with that?” Joson said coolly.
“W-wait, no! I can give you money! Th-the sprout-heads made me do this! I didn’t want to! I wasn’t even getting paid!” The doctor said, backing up and then sliding down against the wall with hands raised.
“You must be tired…” Spudky said. “Because you sure are laying a lot.”
“No! You don’t understand!” The doctor yelled back.
“Do you have to go somewhere? Because you sure are lying your shoes!” Said Spudky.
“Okay that’s enough Spudky!” Joson said annoyed.
…
“Did your grandmother bake you an apply lie this morning?” Said Spudky, unable to control himself.
…
“Anyways, I’m afraid I can’t just let ya’ go doc” Joson said coolly. “Let one maggot live and the next thing you know your oatmeal is ruined, the oatmeal is like, a metaphor for my life by the way” Joson once again said coolly, firing his steam pistol a third time as the white wall paper of the hall got a new paint job… a red paint job!

 

[FrisianDude]

Well, I ran my dutiful eyes over it and I noticed some things, you call a lot of things "sky-" which ticked me off a bit, because just "scum" and "meds" are the same, but sound better. And speaking of "ticked", Joson asked for a "ticked" but I think you meant a "ticket." 

 

[Heafodban]

Oooh, a sharp eye, thanks for that, I'll have to fix that before I get some famous publisher to print this.

 

[FrisianDude]

Well, no, not really sharp, my sight is waning.

 

[Heafodban]

You know what? I've had just about enough of your back talk boy, I raised you, your mother left us and I had to raise you alone, I had to work two jobs just to pay for the rice that you so gluttonously devoured, and this is how you thank me?

 

[FrisianDude]

Pfff.

 

[ArabArcher35]

Let me get in on this circlejerk.

I like a fairly tight grip.

 

[FrisianDude]

Really? Try a keyhole. Should fit, right?

 

[Pharaoh Llandy]

It isn't too long so far, only a few pages on Microsoft Word.

That is so wrong.

http://www.salsbury.f2s.com/

Roughdraft is your new best friend. Designed by a writer, for writers, completely free of charge, easy to use, and doesn't have a stupid paperclip pop up to constantly ask you "Did you REALLY mean to spell "colour" that way?"

It is a parody by the way, if you don't like stupidity then you're not going to like this at all...

Parodies should at least have some intelligence/wit to them. I would recommend you try to parody things in the way that Blackadder parodies things, with satire. Then again, that may not be the audience you're aiming for.

First impressions:

Your writing is colourful but your grammar is atrocious. You should always punctuate inside speech/quotation marks "Blah blah blah," said Bob. Note the comma and use of small 's' in 'said'.

I don't understand why you start off with a first-person account, then switch to third person narrative. It's confusing.

As mentioned, the hyphenated word 'sky-(noun)" appears too much.

On a whole, your writing is too heavily weighted in 'tell' with not enough 'show'. For example:

“The fuel filter is trash! Junk!” Rebecca yelled angrily.

Could be improved tenfold:

“The fuel filter is trash! Junk!” yelled Rebecca, kicking the filter casing.

This way you don't have to TELL your audience that Rebecca is angry, you SHOW them through her yelling, her language, and her physical action.

Also, your protagonist is described as replying "coolly" far too often.

These are only first impressions of your writing style. I have only read it through with an intent to pick up on style and grammar, not actual story content, which I will review when it isn't my bedtime.

 

[Lyze]

Sound advice, Llandy. You beat me to the punch.

RoughDraft sounds amazing. I may have to use that for any future stories I write.

 

[Sir Timothi]

A cry cried

Addressing the whole 'coolly' situation, maybe use a thesaurus? So things such as the above do not occur.

 

[Lt. of the tower]

To much dialogue, it made me stop reading.

 

[Ruthven]

I had to stop after reading "A cry cried". 

It just doesn't need to be.

 

[Lt. of the tower]

I had to stop after reading "A cry cried". 

It just doesn't need to be.

"A cry cried" seems kinda redundant.

 

[13 Spider Bloody Chain]

My name is Joson Smith, aviator, I run junk in and out of Sky-city, the biggest city on Earth, or at least, left from Earth.

1) By saying "My name is Joson Smith, aviator...", you're kind of making it sound like the guy's name is Joson Smith, aviator. A better way of saying it might be:

"I am Joson Smith, aviator..."

Or:

"The name's Joson Smith, aviator by profession..." if you want Joson to seem less formal.

2) Watch out for commas! The comma in between "aviator" and "I" makes this a run-on sentence (or something). You need a period, or at least a semicolon (though in this case, a semicolon might not be appropriate).

Although Sky-city is the commerce capital of the Northern Sky-Empire, don’t let that fool you, the city is full of sky-scum: Ruthless Sky-Gangs,

Is "Ruthless Sky-Gangs" a title? If not, why are the first letters all capitalized? If so, you may wish to clarify a bit.

But over all it’s not all that bad, selling sky-junk pays well, well enough to wash away my sorrows by getting sky-drunk! Anyways, it’s 2607 hours and I’m late for work.

[spelling Nazi]"Overall" is one word.[/spelling Nazi]. Also, you might want to put a period or a colon between "bad" and "selling sky-junk". Note Llandy's advice on improving your grammar.

I'm no writer myself, but I don't think readers will be after your blood if you make one or two little grammar mistakes here and there (especially if not you make grammar mistakes that most people wouldn't think actually are grammar mistakes). However, you really ought to improve your grammar a bit more--poor grammar can jar readers, and ruin immersion.

Chapter one – Trouble in the skies.

“Joson… Joson Smith!”
A cry cried over the sky-com, it was first class pilot Rebecca Myrsky, daughter of Jacob Myrsky, an Admiral in the Northern Sky-Empire’s Sky-Corps.

Again, period between "sky-com" and "it was".

“The fuel filter you sold me is total junk!”
Joson lazily rolled out of bed to answer the door.
“The fuel filter is trash! Junk!” Rebecca yelled angrily.

Llandy has good advice here. Show, not tell. The trend nowadays is to describe the scene as an outsider would--never outright say WHAT a character feels, only what a character DOES (usually, anyway).

Also, you may wish to cut down on the adverbs ("Lazily", "Angrily", etc). It's a personal preference thing, but having too many adverbs on one page can get a bit jarring. Some writers (such as Stephen King) avoid adverbs like the plague; I think it's because they consider adverbs to be on the same level as directly saying what a character feels.

For example, you could change

Joson lazily rolled out of bed to answer the door

Into

Joson crawled out of bed, yawning and rubbing sleep out of his eyes, and made his way to the door.

(I actually have no idea if this sentence is grammatically correct...could someone check for me?  )

If you have Rebecca burst into the room while yelling and kicking over stuff, then Rebecca's anger is further emphasized (though in this case, you should be careful of emphasizing Rebecca's anger too much, or otherwise Rebecca might come off as being overly angry).

“Well” Joson replied “You know what they say” Followed by a long pause.

Again, a grammar issue. In dialogue, you're supposed to put commas after the end of quotations, unless nothing else follows or the quotation ends with a hyphen (the person got cut off), exclamation mark ("Holy ****!"), or a question mark ("Huh?"). And IIRC, you're not supposed to capitalize the first letter of dialogue unless it's a new sentence.

Since all that is a bit hard to understand, I'll use a few examples:


"Well," Joson replied, "you know what they say..."

Note the comma after "Well", marked in red.

This sort of comma placement implies that Joson didn't end his sentence with "Well". In other words, he would have said, "Well, you know what they say...".

If you want Joson to say, "Well. You know what they say..."

You would write...

"Well," Joson replied. "You know what they say..."

Note the period after "replied", marked in red.

As for the pause that follows, saying "followed by a long pause" sounds a bit awkward. It may be better to say "a long pause followed":

"Well," Joson replied, "You know what they say." A long pause followed.

However, it seems strange for Joson to pause for such a long time between his words and his lighting of a sky-cigar and saying, "Sky-junk is sky-junk". You may wish to decrease the length of that pause.

“Sky-junk is sky-junk” he said, lighting a sky-cigar.
“Well excuse me, I thought you sold quality goods, I might as well have bought one form a sky-gang” Rebecca said forcefully.
“If you want to trade with the sprout-heads that’s fine with me” Joson replied coolly.

As the others have said, you may wish to vary your terminology to something other than just "sky-". Try finding another word for "sky-". Also, too many adverbs!

“But if they splice your DNA, don’t come crying back home for supper, because daddy’s not going to be there to pick up the pieces”

You must add a period to the end of this bit of dialogue.

“You’re sky-scum” Rebecca said, slamming the door.
“Well, that was pleasant” came a voice from the back of the room, it was Spudky, Joson’s zany talking pet, who yes, is going to be the wise cracking comic relief.

1) Most people will understand that Rebecca is leaving as she slams the door, but you may wish to clarify anyway. Right now, it seems like she just walked over to a random door and slammed it, and decided to just sit there and do nothing.

2) Please, please, please don't break the fourth wall like that. Telling the audience (which is generally a bad thing to do) that a character is "going to be the wisecracking comic relief" totally breaks immersion and will make you seem amateurish. I know this is a parody, but telling people outright that someone is the comic relief is a poor way of attempting humor.

3) Your sentences are becoming run-ons again.

“Yeah about as pleasant as the sky-plague!” Joson replied coolly.

You already used "coolly" a few sentences back. Also, a person replying "coolly" wouldn't need to yell. Your exclamation mark is making Joson sound like he's yelling.

“Speaking of the sky-plague, don’t you have a shipment of sky-meds to deliver to the sky-doctor from Dougle street this morning?”
“That was today?!” Joson said, obviously surprised, and not quite as coolly as usual.

1) Again, don't tell us that he's surprised, show us.
2) Please don't overuse "coolly".

“I’ve still got some time” Joson said, looking down at his sky-watch." If I take the hyper train I can make it!”
“There goes breakfast” said Spudky, rolling his eyes.

I'm assuming that Spedky is trying to say that Joson's going to miss breakfast again. If so, try to clarify this. Good writing does not confuse readers unless it's supposed to.

Holstering his steam pistol Joson rushed out, unknowing of what dangers lied ahead.
“ALL ABOARD!” came a cry from the sky-conductor, followed by a sharp scream from the steam, gushing out of the awaiting hyper-train; a super fast passenger transport that doesn’t sacrifice pain for gain.

I'm not too sure, but I don't think semicolons work that way. I think just using a comma will suffice.

“One ticket” Joson said coolly.

What did the word "coolly" ever do to you?! Please don't abuse this word.

“That’ll be five sky-credits please”. Replied the conductor, who’s probably going to be played by an older Blackman with a white mustache in the movie.

Again, you're unnecessarily breaking the fourth wall. Please don't do that.

Stepping on board Joson grabbed the railing with one hand, suddenly, in the blink of an eye, the train zipped off, throwing some passengers out of their seats.

1) This is a very poor train system indeed if it throws passengers out of their seats. If the train scene is supposed to be serious, the train shouldn't be so badly designed. Unless it's supposed to be this badly designed due to, perhaps, lack of government funds to build proper trains--if that's the case, it would be useful for a random passenger to complain about this ("Ugh, that damn mayor ought to build some better trains...")
2) And again, your sentences are becoming run-ons.

The train was rushing through Sky-city at 500 sky-miles an hour, passing many skymarks, such as sky-city-hall. The train then stopped as abruptly as it had started, throwing some passengers back into their seats.

Your overuse of "sky-" is becoming rather jarring by now.

“ALL OFFBOARD” Yelled the conductor.
Joson quickly jumped to his feat in order to beat the other passengers to the door.
“Well, here we are, Dougle street, just as run down and sky-scum infested as I remember”.

Remember that the period is supposed to be inside the quotation marks. For example:

"Well, here we are, Dougle Street, just as run down and skyscum infested as I remember."

Note the placement of the period.

Joson began his walk down the dark street, with sky-skyscrapers hovering over him, so tall reaching into the sky, almost as to get away from the misery and despair of the lower levels of sky-city.

"Sky-skyscrapers"? You're pushing the envelope here, mate. Also, you need a "if" in between "almost as" and "to get away".

“Door 27, if it wasn’t for the sign you’d think it was just another drug-den” Joson said coolly.

By now, you've established (or hopefully established) the fact that Joson tends to say things rather...well, "coolly". You don't need to keep saying it.

“Hey doc” Joson said, pushing the intercom “I brought the sky-meds”

You should indicate that Joson walks up to an apartment building, or wherever the doctor resides. You suddenly switched from Joson walking down the street to Joson pressing an intercom out of nowhere.

Suddenly a looking slot opened in the rusty iron door, making kind of a “chwchit!” sound.
“Ah yes, once second please” replied a voice from inside. “Alright, come in”

"One second", not "once second".

Joson opened the door as it moaned with the sound of bending iron.

"Bending iron"?! Iron in doors isn't supposed to bend! 

But seriously, iron isn't supposed to bend like that. Either that, or your setting has some very strange doors.

“I thought you said you were going to fix that door doc?” commented Joson coolly.

“Well you know how it is, so much work to do, the little things have to be pushed…aside.” The sky-doctor replied, sanding there in the hall with a long white medical robe. “Well, let us get onto business, did you bring the meds?”
“Of course doc, I didn’t come down here to read you a lullaby.” Joson answered coolly, throwing the sky-meds to the doctor.
“Great, these are in prime condition”
“So where is my payment?” Joson asked coolly.

“Well you see… I have some new… business partners who aren’t in the field of payment.” Replied the doctor.

You've improved on your grammar here, but you're not quite there yet. If more narration follows a bit of dialogue like the way you have it here, the sentence inside the quotation marks must end in a comma. For example,

...I have some new...business partners who aren't in the field of payment," replied the doctor.

“What…? New business partners? What the hell is going on here doc?” Joson replied angrily, and pretty awesomely as well because he said hell.

You're explaining the joke here, which wasn't very funny in the first place:

1) In most cases, characters suddenly acting out of character doesn't come off as funny, it comes off as jarring and strange. You spent the better part of this story pounding into our heads that Joson is a "cool" figure, and he suddenly becomes angry. That doesn't seem like a very "cool" thing to do. For cold, snarky characters like Joson, sarcasm and pointing out the flaws of others would work better.
2) Please don't explain the joke.

“Joson, you should have known a medical business on Dougle street wouldn’t last long before the sprout-heads got involved, I’m afraid it’s the only way to make money, and money is king in sky-city” The doctor said as four green haired sprout-head gang members stepped out into the hall.
“Yeah but you forgot something…” replied Joson quietly.
“Oh? And what is that?” replied the doctor mockingly scared.
“Paper beats rock!” Yelled Joson loudly.

Huh? I don't understand what Joson is trying to say. What's supposed to be the paper? What is supposed to be the rock? If you're trying to be simply random and spontaneous, you've completely undone Joson's "cool" personality, which, again, isn't funny as much as it's jarring and weird.

“Huh?… what does that even m…” before the doctor could finish replying Joson pulled out his steam pistol and with steam gushing out of the…steam jets? Yeah that’s pretty cool, with steam gushing out of the steam jets Joson fired two shots, head-shotting two of the four sprout-heads.

"Head-shotting" sounds rather amateurish, but that might just be my gamer background intruding.

Also, this has been at least the second or third time you've added this sort of "sarcastic" narration. It simply doesn't work, and it makes an already awkward scene even more awkward.

“I should have known that you’d bring that illegal steam revolver!” the doctor said fearfully, while the other sprout-heads ran off.
“Yeah, this six chambered sauna is always ready to take your order… would you like fries with that?” Joson said coolly.

I think you're trying to make Joson say a witty, sarcastic line here, but in this case his "fries with that" line makes him seem more deranged and wacky than, well, "cool".

And also: 

“W-wait, no! I can give you money! Th-the sprout-heads made me do this! I didn’t want to! I wasn’t even getting paid!” The doctor said, backing up and then sliding down against the wall with hands raised.

See? This is the sort of narration that's interesting and shows instead of tells. Keep it up!

“You must be tired…” Spudky said. “Because you sure are laying a lot.”

Erm...where did Spudky come from? Did he just teleport here?

“No! You don’t understand!” The doctor yelled back.
“Do you have to go somewhere? Because you sure are lying your shoes!” Said Spudky.
“Okay that’s enough Spudky!” Joson said annoyed.
…
“Did your grandmother bake you an apply lie this morning?” Said Spudky, unable to control himself.

What's an apply lie?

…
“Anyways, I’m afraid I can’t just let ya’ go doc” Joson said coolly. “Let one maggot live and the next thing you know your oatmeal is ruined, the oatmeal is like, a metaphor for my life by the way” Joson once again said coolly, firing his steam pistol a third time as the white wall paper of the hall got a new paint job… a red paint job!

The last line, "...a red paint job!" comes off as rather lame. Bond One Liners are better spoken than narrated.

Also, 


Comments in general:

1) You could use some work on your grammar, particularly on your dialogue (where to place commas, periods, etc). You also need to study your comma placement rules, since you often turn your sentences into run-ons.

2) You overuse the word "coolly" waaay too much.

3) You should cut down on the adverbs. You know how people always say, "Show, don't tell," for writing? The same applies for adverbs. Adverbs TELL what a character is doing, and too many of them get in the way. Like "coolly". 

4) You over use the word "coolly" way too much.

5) Your attempt at humor is probably the weakest part of your writing by far. Snarky fourth-wall breaking humor is ill-suited for this sort of prose, unless the narration is told from a 1st person point of view. For example, in the Suzumiya Haruhi series (a series of Japanese light novels), the story is told entirely from the point of view of the main character, a cynical and sarcastic fellow who frequently mocks the strange events occurring around him with snarky disdain. Another example would be Terry Pratchett's Discworld series. You seem to be trying to do what Pratchett is doing, so I highly recommend that you take a look at his works.

6) By the end of this excerpt, your characters start doing very nonsensical things, and I mean that in a bad way. People teleporting in from nowhere, Joson breaking characterization, etc. Randomness is a form of humor, but such humor is ill-suited for this sort of prose.

 

[Vulkan]

To be honest, I am kind of creeped out that the Admiral and his daughter have the same last name as me...

 

[Heafodban]

Pharaoh Llandy, thanks for the response, you have so many good points, and you took the time to respond, kind of amazing. Thanks for the program, though Microsoft Word has not been giving me too many problems, the paperclip was turned off by default it seems.

Well, firstly as a response:
I'd like to think I have some Intellect in there, but mostly it is applying to the very immature side of myself, putting sky in front of everything is one way for me to mock shows and books where they have unnecessary names for things, like "the space engine"... though yeah, I can see why it would get annoying, but while I force friends and family to read it, it is mostly for myself... Also, I tired to watch some Blackadder, but after I saw Mister Bean with a strap on I kind of shied away.

Thanks for the help with grammar and general writing, I'd like to be able to say English is my second language, but it isn't lol.


To some other peoples:
"A cry cried" was intentional, it is kind of a warning sign that this is going to be the worst book every made, read with caution!

And the reason Joson is always saying things coolly is because he is just that cool, you know, like in action movies how they never have any personality.


To Bloody Chain:
HOW DO YOU KNOW HIS NAME ISN'T JOSON SMITH AVIATOR? Me jokes. Thanks for the grammar help, me noz grud at it. Good point with the adverbs, to tell you exactly what someone is feeling isn't natural from an outside prospective.

However, it seems strange for Joson to pause for such a long time between his words and his lighting of a sky-cigar and saying, "Sky-junk is sky-junk". You may wish to decrease the length of that pause.

He is thinking of a response. =]

Most people will understand that Rebecca is leaving as she slams the door, but you may wish to clarify anyway. Right now, it seems like she just walked over to a random door and slammed it, and decided to just sit there and do nothing.

This made me lol.

Again, you're unnecessarily breaking the fourth wall. Please don't do that.

What can I say? I find that hilarious, maybe your sense of humor is too exquisite? I feel that a lack of intelligence in a joke can be just as funny, like when a four year old tires to tell a knock-knock joke that doesn't make any sense.

"Sky-skyscrapers"? You're pushing the envelope here, mate.

I'm seriously dying over here. 


Well, as a summed up response, you all have very good points and suggestions, a lot of help with grammar that I'll be sure to put into use, but I can't really say I can conform to what you find funny, as void of intellect and humor as you may find it, I think you may be missing half the humor, the disgust it invokes in people is a kind of hilarity that is hard to find for me, and I love it, the other half of the humor is just an appeal to my immaturity.

I suppose I should have warned that it is something that only the people it pertains to will find funny, like a home movie you made when you were twelve.

 

[Heafodban]

To be honest, I am kind of creeped out that the Admiral and his daughter have the same last name as me...

I got it from a Teräsbetoni album: Myrskyntuoja. I picked it because it has sky in it...
<----- Oh yeah, and in case you're wondering, that's Teräsbetoni over there. Man they're awesome!
... and now that I think of it, their last name should probably be Myrskyn.

 

[Vulkan]

I have not heard them, but I have heard of them.

I am aware Myrsky means storm in Finnish, too. Is it a very popular last name in Finland?

 

[13 Spider Bloody Chain]

Again, you're unnecessarily breaking the fourth wall. Please don't do that.

What can I say? I find that hilarious, maybe your sense of humor is too exquisite? I feel that a lack of intelligence in a joke can be just as funny, like when a four year old tires to tell a knock-knock joke that doesn't make any sense.

Well, as a summed up response, you all have very good points and suggestions, a lot of help with grammar that I'll be sure to put into use, but I can't really say I can conform to what you find funny, as void of intellect and humor as you may find it, I think you may be missing half the humor, the disgust it invokes in people is a kind of hilarity that is hard to find for me, and I love it, the other half of the humor is just an appeal to my immaturity.

I suppose I should have warned that it is something that only the people it pertains to will find funny, like a home movie you made when you were twelve.

Oh, gotcha. In that case, Just clear up your grammar and you ought to be fine.