Sorry to necro this, but I just wanted to say that I love you all! <33
The North American Public Regiment
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SilentMatthew
Sergeant Knight at Arms
So much love in here...
Also, the attended events are a bit out of date as in some longer exist and or new ones needed to be added.
Also, the attended events are a bit out of date as in some longer exist and or new ones needed to be added.
doughnuts
Recruit
Prologue
For countless centuries Mount 5arge has sternly stood watch over the valley of Veneris proelio linee.
At the summit of Mount 5arge sits the wise yet fickle and capricious map god who rules over us mortals and determiners the fates of all.
In the shadow of mount 5arge sits the pub village, home to the peaceful NA public regiment.
Under the protective gaze of Mount 5arge the pubs lived an idyllic life. By day they would practice the arts of war at the training field of US1,
and repel raids from the neighbouring 1st EPI regiment, who had once possessed mount 5arge but lost it to the pubs in a distant mythic past.
Consumed by lust for the great red beard Deo leads another futile attack on mount 5arge.
By night the pubs would make sacrifices to the map gods
then gently splash till dawn.
And so they lived in peace and harmony, free to leave or return as they pleased with none of the drama, regular training or enforced commitments which plagued the other regiments. The ever present Mount 5arge benevolently looked down upon the pubs, its great red maple beard inspired them to glory and shielded them from harm.
Yet dark times were ahead for the pubs as a new deadly and terrible threat loomed on the horizon.
No one knows for sure from whence they came, or what drove them to seek out new lands. Merchants and adventurers have told tales of a great, all-consuming empire in which one can find anything from news, to philosophical debate, to pickles. Regardless of their true origins what is certain is that the great reddit hoard had descended upon the Veneris Proelio Linee to conquer, rape, and pillage. These men did not follow the old ways, they fought in cluster **** formation, using mass waves of humanity to plug the guns of their opponents with flesh, and they served the gods of memes, trolls and subreddits. They knew nothing of hillocks or whoods, or the art of gently splashing. Lead by the commissar Ginjar, Inquisitor Hader, and sometimes their lackey Porpaps, they swept away all opposition. One by one the great regiment fell to the might of the 1st Reddit brigade. The leader of the 1st EPI Deofuta formed a hasty coalition of Regiment known as the Prussian army. However these regiments had been enemies for too long and were unable to coordinate. The great clash at the battle of strange fields proved disastrous for the Prussian Army. The reddits took advantage of the forest to sneak a regiment around the flanks of the EPI where they proceeded to come up their asses and destroy them in a close quarters brawl. The battle degenerated into a rout when the 13te, seeing the battle was lost, "accidentally" fired a volley into the 19te before fleeing the field. After this glorious victory the Reddit Brigade turned to Mount 5arge with a covetous gaze. All that now stood between the reddit hoards and total domination was a small band of pubbers.
Battle of Mount 5arge
Day 1
At dawn on the 5th of March the reddit brigade arrayed itself along the ridge outside of the pub Village. Inquisitor Hader hoping to avoid bloodshed demanded the surrender of the pubs. He hoped that the sight of the Reddit brigade lining the hill in its barbaric glory would frighten the fun-loving pubs into surrendering.
Being ignorant in the way of the pub he did not reckon on the courage of the pubs, who had never surrendered or routed. The pride of the pubs was too great to accept foreign rule. A young pub-corporal named Trapperhat was sent out to diplomatically tell Hader where he could stick his ultimatum. What was said between the two men is lost to history but in it ended with an immediate attack one the pub village.
The pub regiment formed up at the rally bush behind the pub second in command Gooner and moved up the hillock.
They were closely followed by Commissar Thurne and the pubtillery.
The regiment formed up in double rank as the 60th regiment of the 1st RB began its Charge. Outnumbering the pubs four to one and confident of an easy victory the 60th charged up the hill screaming to their heathen gods for victory.
Calmly the men of the thin pub line held their fire until the 60th was a mere five yards away.
The pub's volley ripped through the 60th followed quickly by the shells of the pubtillery.
Under this weight of fire the 60th's advance faltered. The second volley slayed the commander of the 60th, lordbale, and the regiment broke.
They fled in terror, chased by the taunts of the victorious pubs.
Rain clouds moved across the battlefield as the reddits gathered over whelming strength to crush the public regiment and punish them for daring to challenge the might of the Reddit Empire.
The Fighting 33rd and Hammered 42nd assembled at the base of the ridge as the artillery fired a preparatory barrage to soften up the pubs before the assault. The pubtillery retaliated with effective counter battery fire which smashed the reddit artillery.
The 33rd and 42nd advanced quickly across the open ground and up the slopes of the hillock.
Pubtillery raked the center of the Reddit hoard as they struggled up toward the pub line.
Volley after volley was absorbed by the reddits who surged forward, disregarding the casualties they threw themselves at the pub line with reckless abandon.
A brutal melee issued as the reddits smash into the publine from three sides. Pub and reddits fell and died in the mud. The pubs began to waver as Gooner fell to a reddit pike.
The battle would have been lost were it not for Commissar Thurne who directed his pubtillery to fire into the 33rd who had flanked the pubs on the left.
Those who survived the bombardment fled back down the hill.
Panic began to sweep through the reddit line and men began to trickle away to the rear.
JD, a junior pub officer, rallied the men behind him and led a counter charge into the heart of the reddit force which broke and fled in disarray.
Despite this glorious victory the pubs were too exhausted to pursue the enemy. Both sides had suffered terrible casualties after the days fighting, reddit casualties were over five times greater than what was suffered by the pubs.
2nd Day
That night the Pub officers withdrew to the temple of the map god to make sacrifice and to give thanks for the victory.
In the reddit camp the officers argued long and hard into the night, blaming each other for the humiliating defeat they had suffered.
The next morning the depleted public regiment retook its position on the Hillock and waited for the renewed reddit attack. As the morning fog faded the reddit lines could be discerned.
To the shock and horror of the pubs, the reddit brigade had been able to reinforce themselves with the 77th and 95th regiments, which had been in reserve during the first day,
as well as the fearsome lancers from the PLG.
With a mighty roar the full might of the reddit hoard thundered up the hillock. The pubs fired volley after volley but to no avail.
The pubtilery failed to break the mass of howling reddits who closed the distance quickly behind the PLG who charged the pub line.
They crashed into the publine like a tsunami and swept them back. Many brave pubs fell to the raw power of the reddits charge.
Those who did not fall immediately fled back to the village in confusion.
Pubtillery was forced to abandoned their guns and follow the line in its flight.
Commissar Thrune, yelling and hitting men with the flat of his sword, managed to reform the line and fire one last volley before the reddits plunged into the publine.
What happened next remains a matter of debate amongst historians. Some claim that the reddit fleet, who had arrived late and were eager to contribute, fired a barrage into their own lines and broke the back of the reddit attack.
The reddit propaganda machine insists that they stopped the fighting and declared peace to avoid farther bloodshed.
An ancient, grizzled pub veteran, last surviving pub from that great battle, and keeper of pub lore Silentmatt tells that the spirit of the mountain appeared on a great horse with the ghosts of pubs past.
With his great fiery beard blazing, he lead a great cavalry charge into the reddit lines who fled in terror, unable to withstand the fury of the great red beard.
Dedicated to all members past and present of the pubs Gloria per motis
For countless centuries Mount 5arge has sternly stood watch over the valley of Veneris proelio linee.
No one knows for sure from whence they came, or what drove them to seek out new lands. Merchants and adventurers have told tales of a great, all-consuming empire in which one can find anything from news, to philosophical debate, to pickles. Regardless of their true origins what is certain is that the great reddit hoard had descended upon the Veneris Proelio Linee to conquer, rape, and pillage. These men did not follow the old ways, they fought in cluster **** formation, using mass waves of humanity to plug the guns of their opponents with flesh, and they served the gods of memes, trolls and subreddits. They knew nothing of hillocks or whoods, or the art of gently splashing. Lead by the commissar Ginjar, Inquisitor Hader, and sometimes their lackey Porpaps, they swept away all opposition. One by one the great regiment fell to the might of the 1st Reddit brigade. The leader of the 1st EPI Deofuta formed a hasty coalition of Regiment known as the Prussian army. However these regiments had been enemies for too long and were unable to coordinate. The great clash at the battle of strange fields proved disastrous for the Prussian Army. The reddits took advantage of the forest to sneak a regiment around the flanks of the EPI where they proceeded to come up their asses and destroy them in a close quarters brawl. The battle degenerated into a rout when the 13te, seeing the battle was lost, "accidentally" fired a volley into the 19te before fleeing the field. After this glorious victory the Reddit Brigade turned to Mount 5arge with a covetous gaze. All that now stood between the reddit hoards and total domination was a small band of pubbers.
Battle of Mount 5arge
Day 1
At dawn on the 5th of March the reddit brigade arrayed itself along the ridge outside of the pub Village. Inquisitor Hader hoping to avoid bloodshed demanded the surrender of the pubs. He hoped that the sight of the Reddit brigade lining the hill in its barbaric glory would frighten the fun-loving pubs into surrendering.
The pub regiment formed up at the rally bush behind the pub second in command Gooner and moved up the hillock.
Rain clouds moved across the battlefield as the reddits gathered over whelming strength to crush the public regiment and punish them for daring to challenge the might of the Reddit Empire.
2nd Day
That night the Pub officers withdrew to the temple of the map god to make sacrifice and to give thanks for the victory.
The next morning the depleted public regiment retook its position on the Hillock and waited for the renewed reddit attack. As the morning fog faded the reddit lines could be discerned.
Veneris proelio linee is friday line battle in google translate Latin
fireboy5015
Recruit
Best story ever. Pub contest winner to me!
L3GIT_PENGUIN
Recruit
Great story!
Glorious.
Hader
Sergeant at Arms
1) I will now start calling you the pubers. I don't care if you edited it, I SAW WHAT YOU SAID
2) At least your description of what we do after a battle is accurate...
3) With the PLG? Pssssh, Reddit fields its own cav thank you very much, we all know damn well the PLG would wait until we all engage then come in and kill all of us.
4) Reddit? Have a fleet? No way we could have fired into our own men when we lack the artisans and ability to craft something that can float in the first place.
You left out the part where Fireboy wakes up suddenly, at first unable to grasp whether what he just witnessed was real or just a dream. He moves over and wakes up doughnuts, reveling in the glory of the pubs victory. With a sigh of annoyance and disappointment, doughnuts shakes him off, without saying a word. The bugle sounds for morning muster. The rest of the pubs wake from their slumber as well, and begrudgingly run outside to begin their day. Fireboy, realizing this was only a dream, eventually falls in as well.
Coming outside, Fireboy is greeted by a harsh scene. Reddit interrogators, lead by Porpaps, brandishing whips at any of the pubs that so much as breathes loudly.
Fireboy is distraught at this sight. His gaze meets that of UnholyBob, sitting on his horse near the stable. UnholyBob gestures Porpaps, who sharply turns around and meets Fireboys gaze as well. Fireboy is lashed and shoved into line with the rest of the pubs. Disgrntld yells them all onward now, to the mines, where the pubs will mine precious upvotes for the Reddits in the dreaded mines of low pizza.
Fireboy has realized the grim reality; it was just a dream. A dream where they, the pubs, managed to barely beat the reddits. But alas, none of it was true. In reality, the Reddits had conquered the world long ago. Their tactics of kittens, reposts, and fervent Ron Paul campaigning had proven to be too much for the world to handle, and they were at the mercy now of the glorious Reddit Empire.
FIN
2) At least your description of what we do after a battle is accurate...
3) With the PLG? Pssssh, Reddit fields its own cav thank you very much, we all know damn well the PLG would wait until we all engage then come in and kill all of us.
4) Reddit? Have a fleet? No way we could have fired into our own men when we lack the artisans and ability to craft something that can float in the first place.
You left out the part where Fireboy wakes up suddenly, at first unable to grasp whether what he just witnessed was real or just a dream. He moves over and wakes up doughnuts, reveling in the glory of the pubs victory. With a sigh of annoyance and disappointment, doughnuts shakes him off, without saying a word. The bugle sounds for morning muster. The rest of the pubs wake from their slumber as well, and begrudgingly run outside to begin their day. Fireboy, realizing this was only a dream, eventually falls in as well.
Coming outside, Fireboy is greeted by a harsh scene. Reddit interrogators, lead by Porpaps, brandishing whips at any of the pubs that so much as breathes loudly.
Fireboy is distraught at this sight. His gaze meets that of UnholyBob, sitting on his horse near the stable. UnholyBob gestures Porpaps, who sharply turns around and meets Fireboys gaze as well. Fireboy is lashed and shoved into line with the rest of the pubs. Disgrntld yells them all onward now, to the mines, where the pubs will mine precious upvotes for the Reddits in the dreaded mines of low pizza.
Fireboy has realized the grim reality; it was just a dream. A dream where they, the pubs, managed to barely beat the reddits. But alas, none of it was true. In reality, the Reddits had conquered the world long ago. Their tactics of kittens, reposts, and fervent Ron Paul campaigning had proven to be too much for the world to handle, and they were at the mercy now of the glorious Reddit Empire.
FIN
lordbale66
Recruit
What's new about kiddeee being a traitor?Hader said:
It is also fitting, doughnuts, that I die by the weapon that I live by. It seems like the 60th can't escape getting hit by arty
This is beautiful. But please, at least have the respect for your enemies to spell their names right. It's Hammerd, not Hammered.
