UTILITARIAN TWILIGHT

[LordOfShadows]

Copied from elsewhere, enjoy:

UTILITARIAN TWILIGHT

(Note: Written after I heard Alicorn was writing a Twilight fanfic, but before I read Luminosity. It's obvious if you're one of us.)

"Edward," said Isabella tenderly. She reached up a hand and stroked his cold, sparkling cheek. "You don't have to protect me from anything. I've listed out all the upsides and all the downsides, assigned them consistent relative weights, and it's just really obvious that the benefits of becoming a vampire outweigh the drawbacks."

"Bella," Edward said, and swallowed desperately. "Bella -"

"Immortality. Perfect health. Awakening psychic powers. Easy enough to survive on animal blood once you do it. Even the beauty, Edward, there are people who would give their lives to be pretty, and don't you dare call them shallow until you've tried being ugly. Do you think I'm scared of the word 'vampire'? I'm tired of your arbitrary deontological constraints, Edward. The whole human species ought to be in on your fun, and people are dying by the thousands even as you hesitate."

The gun in his lover's hand was cold against his forehead. It wouldn't kill him, but it would disable him for long enough -

 

[LordOfShadows]

WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

(thanks to dsummerstay for reminding me to post this one)

MORPHEUS: For the longest time, I wouldn't believe it. But then I saw the fields with my own eyes, watched them liquefy the dead so they could be fed intravenously to the living -

NEO (politely): Excuse me, please.

MORPHEUS: Yes, Neo?

NEO: I've kept quiet for as long as I could, but I feel a certain need to speak up at this point. The human body is the most inefficient source of energy you could possibly imagine. The efficiency of a power plant at converting thermal energy into electricity decreases as you run the turbines at lower temperatures. If you had any sort of food humans could eat, it would be more efficient to burn it in a furnace than feed it to humans. And now you're telling me that their food is the bodies of the dead, fed to the living? Haven't you ever heard of the laws of thermodynamics?

MORPHEUS: Where did you hear about the laws of thermodynamics, Neo?

NEO: Anyone who's made it past one science class in high school ought to know about the laws of thermodynamics!

MORPHEUS: Where did you go to high school, Neo?

(Pause.)

NEO: ...in the Matrix.

MORPHEUS: The machines tell elegant lies.

(Pause.)

NEO (in a small voice): Could I please have a real physics textbook?

MORPHEUS: There is no such thing, Neo. The universe doesn't run on math.

 

[Elfy]

Wait, what?

 

[Evilknightz]

Wut. Did Neo just go Inception in Edwards mind, or something.

 

[El Perro Finlandese]

Me confused.

 

[Calathar]

 

[BattleOfValmy]

 

[Sparkyninja]

What is this? I don't even...

 

[Almalexia]

 

[LordOfShadows]

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5782108/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Methods_of_Rationality

I got them from here.

 

[Evilknightz]

But why? 

 

[Taimat396]

Why is this a thing?

 

[Papa Lazarou]

Well, I enjoyed it.

 

[Shatari]

Well, I enjoyed it.

Same here.

 

[Tuckles]

The Matrix logic was pretty funny.

[Addendum]

Holy crap, it's either my brain is fried from too much sleep deprivation and/or studying, or that Harry Potter thing is actually funny.

 

[LordOfShadows]

Reading that thing I nearly coughed my lungs out, I was laughing so hard.

 

[Amagic]

I love that site. For every 15,000 failed fanfics there's always a really good one 

 

[G36E]

Beat you to it.

 

[Deserath]

I got one!

One day at Hogwartz Harry is smothered in his sleep by a jealous Professor Snape upon discovering Ron and Harry's love that dare not speak it's name.


Even one for Twighlight..

Edward and Bella go on a picnic.. at night. A mosquito bites Bella, she dies of disease.

 

[Tuckles]

Beat you to it.

You didn't make a totally random thread about it though.