The Tale of Corey Feedback & Suggestions

[Corndawg]

Alright, I have an interesting idea and I need the help of the community. I am going to make a series that is based in Pendor. It will be in installments, whether they be short or long. It will be chronicling the rise of Corey (a meh name, I know, but I want something of me in there :p) who is taken to Pendor as a slave. He will be in his mid 20's and will have a certain love interest but I wont tell about that now. Now the help I need from the community is the votes on polls about the name of Corey's later sword, the name of his horse, and other things about him that could use some help. So I charge you, the community, with helping me, the writer, make a story out of the world of Pendor!

The story will include many facts about Pendor, it's past, and it's present. I am not a super duper writer, but I consider myself good enough for this. Some installments may take a while, but I'll try and get in as much as possible, thank you and have a nice day.

Edit: The polls will last the entire day that they are put up. The polls will most likely last until the end of the week, or a little before it. Expect writing to start this weekend.

First Poll Over: Results

Ravenstern: 3 votes (23.1%)
The D'Shar Nomads: 2 votes (15.4%)
The Kingdom of Sarleon: votes 4 (30.8%) (winner because they're my favorite and are tied with my second fav :p)
The Empire: 4 votes (30.8%)
The Fierdsvain:  0 votes (0%)

Gee, no one seems to like the Fierdsvain :p

Alright, a little announcement. I will start writing today and then when the time comes I will start a new poll for what is needed, for now, enjoy when I post the first installment in a NEW thread. This one will be used for discussion of the story and the polls, thank you.

 

[Lord Kehm]

Sounds like a tough task, good luck.
Alot of factors you need to take into concept, like the culture of each of the Factions, and the religious fantacism of the Snake and Heretic cults. I'd recommend you'd add some major plot lines with them.
Are you playing the game and writing in Epic form what happens? Or are you just going to pick this off the top of your head?

 

[SXIII]

A few things I can suggest. Since you say he came to Pendor as a slave it'd be natural he was a slave for the Empire and like the pool currently says he would most likely escape to some sarleon settlement where he'd go into service for local militia or a lord or perhaps a knighthood order. It might be possible that he'd be brought here by The Serpent Cult but I doubt that since they probably dont have that many sacrifices (peope) in their country while they can always get new victims here in Pendor.
For the sword/weapon name I'm not sure it's even necesary. After all a former slave in his mid 20s his equip probably goes as:" Ohh, a fancy new sword! I'll take.    Ohhh an even better sword!  Ohhh....."  *thud* ........... several hours later ........... "Ohhh a fancy bag of stones! I'll dress in the bag and throw the stones" 



I believe heretics are a part of The Cult, but better check to make sure.

 

[Corndawg]

For the sword/weapon name I'm not sure it's even necesary. After all a former slave in his mid 20s his equip probably goes as:" Ohh, a fancy new sword! I'll take.    Ohhh an even better sword!  Ohhh....."  *thud* ........... several hours later ........... "Ohhh a fancy bag of stones! I'll dress in the bag and throw the stones" 

Well I'm planning that he eventually becomes a soldier under the command of a Lord in the Kingdom he is in and after a battle with some Noldor Rangers he finds a rather special sword. It wont really be a name, but an inscription that is on the sword, the poll will be for the inscription. I'm going tow rite it in Latin with the translation of course :p

EDIT: I forgot to add that just because he came as a slave didn't mean he was one in his homeland....

 

[Lord Kehm]

The Heretics and the cult worship two different gods/goddesses, they are different.
I recommend since you have him find it when fighting Noldor that it'd be a runesword, somewhere along those lines, perhaps have the Noldor be impressed with his valor and take him in...

The Hero came from a far away land, a slave, but broke free and disappeared into the forests beyond the Empire, no one dared to follow, they knew the dangers that awaited them should they come across any Noldor. Many months passed by and the Hero emerged from the forsaken lands trained with the swordsmanship, and archery of the Noldor, and the riding and horse archery of the Jatu, he would bring peace to the land and vanquish the evils that plagued it.

Thats how I'd go about, it but it's your story do what you want to do. Again good luck 

 

[EvilSam]

Vanquish evil? Well, perhaps...
If you are like me and only motivated by lusts for power (money is ok but just helps with the power really, I spend the extra lust on more power  ) then probably you are the evil. Admittedly you may not seem that evil to your faction so at least somebody will love you.  Of course, if you are the evil and have to vanquish yourself then it could get confusing, go find a Heretic army and taunt them, that may help.

Corey, plagued by indecision and confused about his role in Pendor, forgot to study path-finding lore and realised a thousand Heretics really could run faster than he'd thought...

 

[tommylaw]

Since you say he came to Pendor as a slave it'd be natural he was a slave for the Empire

My thoughts precisely.

 

[Lord Kehm]

Well you tried...

 

[Corndawg]

First installment :p It will get better, don't expect a super series, my writing skills will improve, as will the story, as will everything else. I'm not exactly some super writer. I'm younger than most on the forum. This is for the enjoyment of others and myself. If it gets more negative response then I wont continue it on the forum, but I will write it myself

 

[Josef_the_Pretender]

Hey, not bad young man, not bad at all!

Don't worry about negatve comments; the raison d'etre of this mod seems to be to help you create your own story. So keep posting.

My feedback is in two areas: 1) use paragraphs to break it up; it's pretty dense at the moment and paragraphs will make it easier to read for the rest of us and allow you natural breaks in the story - it really zips along at the moment, but could use a quiet moment or two.
2) Throw a bit of story and character development in between all the fighting. It's cool, it's pretty visceral at the moment, but you can't carry on with 100% spurting blood and dangling entrails for the rest of the story. Well, maybe you can, but... 

Oh, and are all the votes going to be on the name of the horse, the name of the sword etc?  Stick a few plot developments in the voting too.

 

[Corndawg]

Hey, not bad young man, not bad at all!

Don't worry about negatve comments; the raison d'etre of this mod seems to be to help you create your own story. So keep posting.

My feedback is in two areas: 1) use paragraphs to break it up; it's pretty dense at the moment and paragraphs will make it easier to read for the rest of us and allow you natural breaks in the story - it really zips along at the moment, but could use a quiet moment or two.
2) Throw a bit of story and character development in between all the fighting. It's cool, it's pretty visceral at the moment, but you can't carry on with 100% spurting blood and dangling entrails for the rest of the story. Well, maybe you can, but... 

Oh, and are all the votes going to be on the name of the horse, the name of the sword etc?  Stick a few plot developments in the voting too.

Don't worry, there will be plenty of plot development voting going on. And as for all of the character development, that was kind of a back story, the real development goes on in Pendor. I'll work on the paragraph thing when I post the next installment, hopefully tomorrow.

 

[EvilSam]

The main problem for me is that Freddie Mercury is your avatar... I now have this unshakable vision of Corey prancing around Pendor in a white spandex cat-suit, killing people with incomprehensible scat (the singing kind... not the other) whilst continually air-grabbing. It is difficult to equate him with anything else now. 


EDIT: Maybe add some screenies so I can forget my evil Freddie-Pendor nightmare vision...

 

[Corndawg]

The main problem for me is that Freddie Mercury is your avatar... I now have this unshakable vision of Corey prancing around Pendor in a white spandex cat-suit, killing people with incomprehensible scat (the singing kind... not the other) whilst continually air-grabbing. It is difficult to equate him with anything else now. 


EDIT: Maybe add some screenies so I can forget my evil Freddie-Pendor nightmare vision...

I am a big Queen fan, and Corey sure as hell wont be prancing around in a white spandex cat-suit. But thanks for the...ummmm..."constructive criticism"?

 

[Corndawg]

Attention, the story has been moved to the Pendorian Stories thread. I will keep up my posting there as to keep the thread in plain view, also i will be adding it to the wiki.