Telemarketers 2

[leprechaun]

No, start chatting them up, breathing heavily, and make masturbating noises down the phone at them. You know, when you pinch your cheek and flap it around. You get to make a dirty phone call, and their company has to pay for it!

 

[Smoson]

I AM SOOO GOING TO DO THAT NEXT TIME!!! That is true genius Lep, true genius!

 

[Johnathan Andrews]

It would be a lot more amusing, but they always call at the WORST possible times. Plus I live in Northern VA and here we get telemarketer calls every like 20 min. Not to mention the telemarketers that try to sell you RELIGION. These ****ers call you at all hours of the day and usually start of their conversations with "YOU NEED TO BE SAAAAAVEEEED" or **** like that.

With all these phone ****ers, calling you all the time, and with all the Mormons/Jehovas/Christians coming to your door every weekend at dawn break it's impossible to get any rest.

At least the Mormons/Jehovas send people over who are well dressed and showered, the Christians send over people who look like they were just pulled out of gutters. All dirty and greasy and ****, shirts untucked, covered with old mustard and ketchup stains, looking like they just made a whole sandwitch on themselves, and they come reeking of cabbage and old people.

That's funny.  The best way I have of getting rid of telemarketers is by quoting Bible verses to them.    I haven't done it much, but I might need to put that back into practice.  My wife and I are getting about 12 telemarketer phone calls a night right now (the bad thing is that about 3 of them are in Spanish and half of them aren't real people.  When someone that I don't know calls, I always immediately ask "are you a real person?")...  it is getting very annoying.

We've also been getting at least a half dozen calls for people that we've never heard of.  I think I'll start taking down messages, names, and phone numbers of the people who are calling for the wrong folks to try and figure out what in the world is going in.

At least things in Memphis aren't that bad compated with Alaska.  We're 4 hours off from the East Coast time, so I'd occasionally get a telemarketer to call me at 5:00am from the East Coast.  I'd answer the phone, let them talk for about 1 minute while I woke up enough to realise I wasn't having a bad dream, and then I'd ask them what time they thought it was here.  They let me go real fast when they knew it was 5am and I offered to call THEM back at 5:00am their time.

 

[Smoson]

What quotes do you use, I'm intrigued... Things that make sense in the telemarketing context or just any random verse?

 

[Pavlov]

yes! John I know exactly what you mean, I get telemarketers calling in Spanish all the time too. And it's like they don't care that you don't speak Spanish! I tell them "I don't speak Spanish" *more Spanish talking* then I tell them "No habla espanol!" and they still keep talking! one of them, some Spanish woman, after I told her that I "no hablo espanol" just like paused, and in the most shocked tone EVER repeated, "NO HABLO ESPANOL???!?!"  Yes *****, believe it! you called ME, I don't NEED to hablo in espanol.

It still didn't beat the one time I got a call from the local PD asking for donations.

"Do you accept fatty foods and the pain of minorities as currency?"


Golden silence.

Woah wait Pav.... YOU have GENITAL WARTS?!

If you're a ****ty telemarketer calling me while i'm taking a big one, genital warts are the least of my problems that i'm going to be sure and tell you about.

 

[Johnathan Andrews]

What quotes do you use, I'm intrigued... Things that make sense in the telemarketing context or just any random verse?

Most of the time just random verses.    I've only done that a couple of times though, when I was annoyed at the telemarketers who continued to call.  Rather than hang up or cuss at them, I figured I'd ask "If you died today, I mean like right now while you're talking to me over the phone, do you know where you'll be headed?"  One guy hung up immediately after that.  The other (this was 2 years ago) let me share a couple Bible verses (Romans 3:23, 6:23, John 3:16 I think) and responded that he was not interested though he was a Christian.

I didn't think of it at the time, but I guess I should've said "You're not interested in your eternal destiny?  Well, I am.  Lets just start at the beginning and see if we can drum up some interest." And then start reading Genesis 1:1, going as far as I can until they hang up (which would probably be in like 2 words).

Pavlov,

As far as the PD or firefighters or any other organization calling, I stop them at about the 3rd sentance (when I know what they are after) and tell them sorry.  We should try asking them why they need donations, what they are going for, and then asking them why, if they are supposed to be paid on our tax dollars, do they need donations.  When they answer, ask why they don't go to the mayor for the money they need, since you've already paid your taxes.  Yea, I know that sometimes they call on behalf of a killed officer's family and had no insurance, so that wouldn't work all the time.

As far as the Spanish is concerned, I've spoken Russian back to a few of them with mixed results.  "No Hablo Espanol" makes the telemarketer continue, from what I've experienced.

 

[Volkier]

Sheesh... I just put them on hold for 30 minutes, and if they are still there after the time is up, I would tell them to call back later.. Oddly enough, they don't actually ever call back if you tell them to..

 

[Cymro]

Here's one I got a while ago with a friend (A: Me, T: Telemarketer, F:Friend)

T: "Hello. Err...is Mr. James there?"
A: (serious sounding voice) "Who is calling please?"
T: "This is (xyz) from (xyz)corp, and-"
F: "Err... I think you should come and look at this-"
A: "Not now! I'm on the phone"
T: "So, Mr. James-"
F: "No! Seriously! Come here!"
A: "Please hold"
T: "Okay"

(Very loud voices)
F: "We have detected nuclear launches from Northen Siberia and subs in the Atlantic"
A: "Can be guess the trajectory?"
F: "Western Europe, possibly Britain"
F: "We have one confirmed with NORAD... These co-ordinates here"
A: "NO!"
F: "That's right"
A: "Activate air defense mode! Scramble fighters! Call the Prime Minister!"
F: "Yessir"

(I walk back to phone)
A: "Sir, I'm afraid we have a slight crisis here at the -"
T: "I heard! Oh my god! What can we do?"
A: "Sir, please stay calm"
T: (Scared sounding mass of voices on the phone)
A: "Sir! What have you done?"
T: "I told them that NORAD has confirmed nukes are heading this way and-"
A: "Nukes? This way? Oh, I see. Sorry, we were just roleplaying on DEFCON. That is a fun game. You should try it"
T: "YOU-"
A: (Puts phone down)

It is indeed fun to create chaos

 

[leprechaun]

Cymro, you are an utterly brilliant human being.

Other suggestions:

Yell "Death to the West! Allahu Akhbar! Kill all capitalist infidels!" at the top of your voice down the phone.

Pretend you're talking to someone else in the room with you:
"Muhammed, you forgot to put the detonators in! Fool! How are we going to destroy the (xyz)Corp building with detonatorless bombs? Get back there and put them in!"

Pretend you're at a call centre in India and start trying to redirect them to the BT Helpline.

Say "Hello, you have reached the emergency services. Press one for the police, two for the ambulance service and three for the fire brigade."

Start speaking some obscure language not heard of outside a hamlet in the Himalayas and then get really pissed off at him when he asks you to speak English.

Pretend you're FBI and you've traced his location in relation to an unsolved murder.

 

[Cymro]

Brilliant ideas there. I think the emergency services thing could violate a law though

 

[Volkier]

I did this to my very old boss a very long time ago as a joke, but I suppose it would work on telemarketers as well...
Basically you make use of the ultimate "call divert" function, to divert all your calls to a mental institution before you even pick up the phone.. Works like a charm :

 

[leprechaun]

Phone Menu at the Mental Health Institute


Hello, and thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly

If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.

If you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, press 5 but do it v-e-r-y- s-l-o-w-l-y and carefully.

If you are dyslexic, press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8.

If you have schizophrenia, listen very carefully and a small voice will tell you the number to press.

If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press a number for you.

If you are depressed, don't bother to press any numbers. No one will be able to help you anyway.

If you are paranoid, you don't need to press anything. We know who you are, we know what you want, and we know how to reach you.

If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up because all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

 

[Lost-Lamb]

Damn that made me laugh, good job

 

[leprechaun]

Thangyouverymuch

 

[Cymro]

Got another one just now (t- telemarketer, a- me)

T: "Hello. This is a courtesy call from (xyz)corp, and-"
A: "On the contrary, I have something to tell you"
T: "Do you?"
A: "Yes. My insurance is better than yours"
T: "What do you mean?"
A: "Well, what does your company do?"
T: "We do fire insurance from only £200 annual-"
A: (laughs) "My fire insurance is only £10 annual fee"
T: "Where did you get it from?"
A: "From a superior company to you"
T: "Such as?"
A: "MY company!"
T: "What is the name?"
A: "We are a web based company, www.telemarketers-must-die.co.uk"
T: "Are you trying-"
A: "How much do you charge for life insurance if I had (xyz)disease?"
T: "Erm... let me see. £800 annual fee"
A: (laughs again) "MY company does the same thing for only £200 annual!"
T: "You have got to be lying"
A: "No. Check the website at www.xyzcorpsucks.co.uk"
T: "Look, I didn't phone you to be insulted"
A: "Hey, I never asked you to phone me. So I can insult you all I like. Your mother is a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
T: "What the-"
A: "I unclog my nose in your general direction, smelly English pig dogs!"
(hangs up)

Monty Python is good for conversations like this

 

[leprechaun]

Man, you deserve a better custom tag.

 

[An4Sh]

Lepre stole that joke from 2flashgames.com

 

[leprechaun]

I did not. Someone posted it on my forums, and I copied it here. I nicked it from someone who nicked it from the 2flashgames site.

 

[Smoson]

Cymro that is TOO GOOD!!! Best bit was

T: "Look, I didn't phone you to be insulted"
A: "Hey, I never asked you to phone me. So I can insult you all I like. Your mother is a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
T: "What the-"

Surely thay are used to being insulted?! What's going on there?!

Holy Grail FTW!!!

 

[Cymro]

Nooooooooo*breath*oooooooooo!

In accordance to some new rules, doctor's home phone numbers are now illegal to store on telemarketing databases!

Meaning no more making fun of telemarketers