On the fields near Suno we find our knight-errant, Sir Lee Manner and his trusty squire, Ratio, fresh from rescuing scores of simple peasants, farmers and kids, about to do battle with a party of mountain bandits that have come upon their campsite.
"Ratio! Be a lad and tell the peasants, the farmers, and those schoolkids we rescued to form a layered defensive position so we can attrit these bandits til I can get ready to smote them!"
"Sire, I hate to inform you but I don't think our, er, recruits will understand what you're ordering them to do!"
"Well in the name of...do I have to draw it out for you, Ratio?!? I have to get this ensemble on or we can't fight, can we? I'm a knight, good squire, and knights DON'T fight without their armor! So, inform our militia to make ready for skirmish, hand me that chain coif, and some of the lard so I don't get chafed by my armor this time!"
"Of course, my liege."
<Ratio acts as runner to hastily position the ad-hoc militia of Sir Lee, then dutifully returns to apprise his lord of the situation>
"The first line of the bandits has hit the, er, militia, my lord!"
"And how fare they?"
"Well, it looks like most of the horses are down and I'd say...maybe a quarter of the bandits are not moving!"
"Fortunate indeed!"
"It does look like some of the farmers, er, militia may be down, sire. I dare say that their pitchforks might not be a match against the swords and bows of the bandits!"
"No need for veiled arguments, good Ratio. We'll update their weapons upon our next visit to town!"
"Sire, I have to say that I don't think they intended to serve as your militia when we rescued them!"
"Nonsense! I have not demanded tribute or any sort of payment! All I ask is that they delay those ruffians long enough for me to prepare for this battle! Of course they'll get 30 days of leave every year and matching dental! It's not like I don't have their best interests in mind!"
"Sire, I don't think they'll last six minutes, much less a year!"
"You know what your problem is, Ratio? You're not thinking long term my good squire. They have to have motivation if they're going to want to..."
"Milord! The front ranks are broken! The bandits are heading for the peasant buffer!"
"Ratio, please don't interrupt me while I'm trying to explain to you..."
"Heavens! The peasants are *charging* the bandits! Unbelievable! They have no chance on this earth and yet they storm forward against insurom....unsumur....tough odds!"
"What? They're charging?!?! How uncivilized. Still, that's the price you pay when you can't field a proper army. Remind me, Ratio, to update the order of battle as well as to write down that recipe for sumpter horse jerky sometime."
"Milord, it appears as though a group of the bandits has begun to flank! They'll hit us in our supply area! "
"No worries, good Ratio, within moments I should have all my armor upon my person! Then those bandits will know the taste of justice! Have you seen my helmet, by chance?"
"I believe that should go on last, milord."
"Right. Good thinking, that. I don't remember this dent in my breastplate. Ratio, did you not hammer this out after our last action?"
"You mean when you got too close to that cliff in the river valley, fell off your horse and crushed the river pirate to death, milord?"
"Yes, my valiant action near Zendar that turned the tide against a massive war party..."
"There were three pirates, my liege. And the one got stuck in the river and could only throw stones at us until he ran out, at which point he fled. The other was killed by your horse accidentally trampling him while it ran off in a panic after you fell and, well, we cleaned the remains of the third off of your dinged breastpla..."
"Yes, yes, Ratio. No need to embellish my victories. I want this hammered out before our next campaign!"
"Of course, milord."
"Now. Sword oiled? Check. Lance sharpened? Check."
"Sire, the enemy has overrun our baggage! What shall we do without our food stores!?!?"
"Good Ratio, I think you over-estimate their victory. That was not the baggage, it was in fact, that load of soiled loincloth I asked you to wash the last time we made camp."
"Oh, I meant to tell you sire, there was a problem with the embroidery on your ..."
"Nevermind, Ratio, and rest assured that had I the means, I would have rigged the baggage to not only blow the piss out of those ruffians but to send them hurtling into the sky with the furor of a thousand..."
"Skidmarks, sire?"
"What!?! No, I assure you those were not my....wait a minute....I don't think they realize yet what's in the baggage. Are they trying to open it? "
"No worries, sire, we're upwind."
"Good. Now hand me my breastplate Ratio, and be quick!"
"Here it is sire. Hark! One of the bandits looks to be getting quite close,
...he's eluded our peasant rearguard!"
"Even the old woman with the gimpy leg and the rolling pin?"
"Yes, he seems to have outrun her!"
"Well, Ratio, shoot him will you? I'm not even dressed enough to draw my
sword."
"Posthaste, my liege."
<one wildly off-the-mark bolt later>
"Ho! Ratio, you shoot like a one armed Swadian Crossbowman with crabs!"
"Sorry, sire, I'll try using the cream that the physician recommended."
"I'd rather you tend to that nasty bandit approaching us, Ratio."
"Of course sire, let me just get this reloaded."
<A moment later>
"Ha! The foul beggar was taken down by one of your underlings, my liege."
"Not the gimpy lady? "
"Yes, sire. Apparently she threw her corrective shoe at him and has knocked him out cold! We shall sell him at Zendar before the sun sets!"
"Excellent. Let me just undo the lacing on these greaves....."
"Sire, it looks as though our forces are driving the bandits back!"
"Verily, I just need to...cram...leg...through the...Aha! Got it!"
"Shall I get your horse stool, sire?"
"No need, Just give us a lift, would you, good Ratio?"
"Certainly!"
<several manly grunting sounds later>
"Well, now we're looking ready for a fight!"
"Yea."
"True."
"Quite."
"Well, enough of this monosyllabic spankfest, fetch me my lance and be quick! There has to be at least one or two of the blaggers running around that I can impale!!"
"Sire! Do you hear the cheering? I think we've won!"
"Fantastic my good Ratio! We shall have a celebration immediately! Scavenge the weapons, secure the unconscious prisoners, tend to our wounded, and fetch me my "victory" codpiece! I feel like a lap around the battlefield!!"
"Post haste, sire."
And so it was that on the plains around the town of Suno, the great knight-errant Sir Lee and his earnest squire, Ratio, defeated a large force of mountain bandits.
At least, that's all that the firm of Gorn, Narsh, Epstein and Rosencrantz will allow to be read from Sir Lee Manner's autobiography "One Man, One Vision, Many Quests" which is currently pending publishing due to editorial differences with H. Ratio's unsanctioned biography about Sir Lee, "One Man, One Vision, and An Unending Supply of Expendable, Rescued Fodder". Available from Swadian and Shyster Publishing.