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Pretty short story I wrote for a Fallout 3 stream I've been watching.

2324, the barren wasteland broken by the war. Radscorpions poison the ground with their poison glands, and yet.. deep, deep underneath, a miracle. '' Catherine, we're gonna have a baby boy! '' But not soon after the bleeping of the machines interupted the silence of this miracle. '' She's gone into cardiac arrest! '' The boy, named after a mighty man, was rushed away. Years passed, and he grew up a strong and mighty man, with much endurance. However his dad soon found out he was not the luckiest nor brightest kid around the vault.But he was smart enough to open the pen after his dad locked him in.
Years passed again. A birthday party set up by Amata went down, untill that stupid robot destroyed the cake. '' MADE IN ZE AMERICA, CAN NOT DO ANYZING RIGHT! '' Vlad cried out.
Years passed again, and the G.O.A.T was at the front door. He managed to persuade the teacher into giving him the results, and filled them in himself. He '' found out '' he was quite good with small guns, repairing stuff and lockpicking. Perfect for the militia.
Three years later disaster struck. His dad escaped.
And he didnt even take Vlad the Implier with him! Time to make him pay, and the overseer as well .. they killed Jonas. His only black friend.
'' Time .. to make zem pay .. '' he proclaimed in his Russian accent. As soon as he left, he was attacked by a vault-tec security officer. He bashed his head in with his baseball bat. Thats what he got for being such a fool. His Russian side taking over, he went over to Butch. '' Help me, help my mom! ''
Vlad walked in, looked at his mother and back at Butch. '' Screw you, you insult ZE MOTHERLAND! '' A quick hit to the head finished him off. He grabbed all the vodka he could find, and rushed off to the exit.

This is actually how it all went.
 
kiarj 说:
Thanks for the comment. Here, have a piece for comparison;

“Where is that blasted piece of steel?” Like every morning for the past few weeks, the old mage was rummaging through his luggage, looking for his razor. Of course, he wouldn’t find it, since he had forgotten in it on the table of a run-down tavern a good while ago. “Ah! Damn it all! I’ll just shave tomorrow!” he said, throwing his dirty mirror back into his bag. With a sigh, he sat down on the bed he had rented for the night, trying to remember what he had planned for the day. He knew roughly where he was going, who he was looking for, but had a tendency to temporarily forget his immediate concerns. Grumbling in his weeks-old beard, he took out a small piece of crystal from one of the many pockets on his robe. This bead was his most prized possession and one of the only two things of value he carried. He gazed into the ball and, for a few minutes, stood still as he tried to focus on the task at hand. A village appeared to his eyes, then a barn, and then a boy. Sixteen or seventeen, the boy was tall, in good health and of fair appearance. He was lounging in a stack of fresh hay, the dawning sun throwing a shine of gold upon his face. The mage nodded as he remembered: “Ah! Yes, this is the boy. Well! I’d better get to the road then. I’m almost there.”

[change of pace or action, new paragraph]Stretching his tired body, he grabbed his things and headed out the door. As he walked down the inn’s stairs, he flung a sheathed sword across his back and covered it with his travelling bag. With a hasty greeting to the innkeeper, he went outside and filled his lungs with the fresh morning air. “This will be a warm autumn.” He said[comma, not full stop, no capital letter on "he"], as he began to walk. He tightened his grip on his walking staff and added in a breath: “Let’s just hope it is not our last.”

The village of Defaestus was a quiet one. Founded near a large creek of saltwater, it maintained a good influx of income due to its rich soils and living waters. Fishermen and farmers there led existences more closely resembling those of merchants and artisans rather than the scrounging fights for survival that their unlucky counterparts called lives in the other parts of Garessia. Nicolas had lived there all his years, and he was now old enough to think about leaving the household to start his own family. There were few girls he considered interesting enough to marry, fewer still he considered worthy of lifelong devotion, but he was not one to shun tradition by refusing to take a spouse. As he opened his eyes and yawned, he gently pushed aside the girl resting upon his shoulder. Maybe, one day, she would be the one to live with him and bear him strong, proud children, but he didn’t feel quite like striking a conversation with her today.

[change of pace or action, new paragraph]Shaking off the straw in his hair, he left the barn and walked at a brisk pace towards his home. He had never gone to bed hungry and couldn’t suffer the pain of hunger for more than a few minutes before it’d ruin his mood. Grabbing whatever food he could find laying on the table’s plates, he went and sat on his father’s chair before the fireplace. Lost in thoughts, he barely heard his mother enter the house. “Nicolas?” she let out, a tone of stern urgency in her voice: “Go help your father in the fields, boy. He’s been toiling alone like a slave for a good two hours, now.” She dropped a basket of fresh apples on the counter and came to see him. “You’ve been sleeping late again, Nicolas. You know we count on your help to get ready for winter, don’t you?”

[change of speaker, new paragraph]He lifted his gaze off the dancing flames and answered: “I know, mother. But I was trying to squeeze in a few more moments of peace before I went working the fields.”

[revert for first speaker, new paragraph]“Oh, that’s all right.” She said. ["Oh, that's all right," she said. -- comma, not full stop, no capital on "she" unless starting a new sentence] “Just make sure to go out there before the fields freeze over!” She grabbed another basket and headed out the door. Nicolas sighed, sinking deeper in the chair. Truly, this life was not worthy of him. A good few minutes later, he finally got up and slinked out, heading towards his father’s fields with all the enthusiasm of a very dead snail. It was a bright, colourful day. The fields were fat and full, the forests were lit with a soft white shine and the roads were dry and flat. It had taken longer than usual for Nicolas to escape his duties, faking an injury after a few hours of work. He was now sitting in the shade of a tree, thinking deeply about his future. He wanted out of this small, closed world. He wanted out of this quiet, frugal life. But most of all, he wanted out of those responsibilities. It was always the same. Do this, Nicolas, or do that, Nicolas! Everyone kept telling him how to lead his life. He had enough. He wanted out. Though he didn’t know it, his wish was about to be realized, as an old man walked in the village, striding wearily towards the nearest inn.

“Greetings! Welcome to the Northern Flagon!” the innkeeper touted over his shoulder as he heard the door shut. He turned around and invited the old man to sit. “Oh! An elder such as you oughtn’t to travel alone! Where’s the rest of you peddlers?” he asked, bringing about a glass of freshly drawn water.

[change speaker, new paragraph] “I travel alone.” [alone, comma, not full stop]answered Frederick, the old mage[colons usually denote lists, as comma would have been better here] “But not for long, don’t worry. I came here to meet a young relative of mine.”

[paragraph]The bartender leaned over his counter, speaking slowly and with unnecessary emphasis:[semi-colon or full stop, not colon] “I might be able to help! Who’re you looking for?”

[paragraph]Frederick pinched his lips and lost himself in thought for a moment. “He’s a young boy. He should be about seventeen now. He’s very, very blond…  A bit like corn. I forgot his name; you’ll have to forgive an old man his memory.”

[paragraph]The bartender let out a friendly laugh: [full stop, not colon] “Don’t worry! Most of the elders I know couldn’t even remember their own name! But I’d need a better portrait than what you’ve just given me to help you, though. Half the boys in this town are blond as corn!”

That's part of the first chapter.

You had no transition from sitting to standing, marking this part jarred

Better than the first thing, but as you can see I've amended some of your spelling and grammar as it broke too many rules.


 
Holy hell! Someone's paying attention to what I write o_o

Thanks for the comments, Llandy. Got writer's block on page 21, so some attention is always very encouraging.

As for the blue part, he's standing at the very beginning, then sits on the bed and remains there. The "stood" of "stood still" isn't supposed to mean he got up, though I might have to find a better phrase if it has potential for confusion.

Edit; Oh, and I have some troubles with dialogues in english, as they are simpler in french. It's mostly about;

John says: "blablabla." Martha retorts: "Blablabla!" To which John responds: "Blablabla?" To which...
 
Well, keep at it. Writer's block does not just go away on its own. You have to work through it. Even if what you come up with is ****e, you may still think of something better and go back to amend it later.

As for dialogue, running sentences on may get you through primary school but you'd be pulled up in secondary school for not starting new dialogue on a new line. That said, though you might find it easier to write in French, you'd probably get less readers and less feedback. I can be conversational in French, but I'm by no means fluent.
 
Comrade Temuzu 说:
Wrote this, still WIP, its a part of the prologue for my forum game.

1938: Germany and Italy sign a non-aggression pact. Unofficially a military alliance is also signed between these two nations. Japan is included in the pact at a later date.

The Soviet Union goes through a series of minority uprisings in Belarus, Ukraine and other areas of the union. Unofficial records suspect the Axis to be behind the sudden rise in nationalism.

In response to the non-aggression pact between Germany and Italy, Great Britain and France sign a pact of their own. The United States are also invited to sign the pact, but no response is ever given.

1939: A shift but bloody civil war erupts in Sweden and Denmark, with the national socialist parties in both countries attempting to take control of the government. The population is strongly supporting the revolutionaries, but the army supports the old government. The conflict ends quickly, when the revolutionaries accuire large amounts of weaponry, and the armed forces of both nations is soon annihilated. Unofficial sources and news reporters report of the revolutionaries using large amounts of German weaponry, even a German made tank has been photographed in Stockholm during the final phases of the revolution.

Inspired by the success of their comrades, nationalists in other countries, such as France, Great Britain and Finland attempt to take over the government in series of small and failed attempts.

The United States is in complete darkness. No contact has been made the the Americans for a year now, and every ship or plane trying to enter the continent is never heard of again. Canadian refugees sail to Britain and Ireland in large merchant fleets, yet upon their arrival they are all diagnosed with coma. Scientists and medical experts can come up with no reasonable reasons for this.

1940: Without warning, Italy starts sweeping through their eastern neighbours. All resistance is annihilated, and the effeciency of the Italian Armed Forces comes as a surprise to everyone. Italian soldiers gain the nickname of "Legionaires", because of their lack of fear or self-preservation instinct.

France and Great Britain declare war on Italy. The Italians attack southern France, but their advance is stopped by the newly built Maginot-line. War in South-France becomes trench warfare. Meanwhile in Africa and Middle-East, the Italians have minor success in their assaults towards Cairo and Tunis. Their advance is slowed by the mobile tank units of both France and Great Britain, and the Italian navy is no match for Great Britains.

Denmark and Sweden join Germany after a national vote. Both Finland and Norway declare neutrality from any coming wars. Spain, Portugal, Switzerland, Greece and many others follow their example, including Belgium and the Netherlands.

The unrest in Soviet Union finally ceases, but millions of civilians and thousands of soldiers lost their lives during the conflict. In the end nothing was accomplished.

The first of the Canadian refugees dies. The doctors can not find out what killed him, but prior to his death the doctors say he started talking, but in a language not spoken by any of the working personnel. Soon he started bleeding from his nose, after which he turned pale in seconds, and his heart stopped beating.


Whoa thats good
 
Why Billy Had No Friends

Billy was a little boy
Who played on his computer.
He played only one type of game.
That was first person shooter.

Billy played and Billy died
For that is part of the game,
But Billy died more than most
Cause damn that boy was lame.

Whenever little Billy died,
He made a witty retort.
"STFU, N00b" Billy cried
Cause Billy was a bad sport.

Other players tried to calm him down
As Billy lay there dead.
They suggested he not play anymore.
Actually... GTFO, they said.

That's when little Billy's life
Took a drastic turn.
He decided he would rather cheat
And let them *****es burn.

Billy started spawn camping
And next he started botting.
But as his score was slowly rising,
His brain was quickly rotting.

As his brain diminished,
Slowly dying inside his head,
Little Billy grew quite bored
And played other games instead.

But sports were not his style.
He had no brains for strategy.
So little Billy made the decision
To try an MMORPG.

That was Billy's big mistake.
He'd finally have to pay.
For Fate dumped poor little Billy
Into a Gamemaster's way.

Billy started swearing.
The GM counted strike one.
Strike two came for scamming.
One more and he'd be done.

Then our little Billy
Made a dumb GM call. "
Strike three!!!" the GM shouted
And the axe began to fall.

Billy was quickly warped to jail
His account received a flaggin'.
And when Billy started to whine,
I fed him to a dragon.

And what became of poor Billy,
The boy who had no friends?
I dragged him out into the street
And shot him cause no one likes a retard.

The End

Makes me cry everytime I read it.

I think Billy learned a very important lesson, don't you?

That lesson: don't be a n00b or someone will put a bullet into your brain.

Good lesson there.

I'm all about the children.
 
That story I've been writing is coming along well if judging by length and not quality. Nobody has the time/balls to sit through all these chapters and give proper criticism  :sad:

Here's Chapter 5, of a story that is currently 11 chapters in and with the end nowhere in sight.

Bill had made good time after leaving Darius to work on his own project, already knowing his destination. The camp was small, but full of mercenaries going about their business. Though subtle, one could see the thin line drawn between the halves of the camp belonging to the Amagai's Badgers, and the Layton's Crimsons. The hostility between the groups was something of a legend among the other mercenary groups in Guild territory.

"Bunch'a goddamn cowards, if you ask me." Bill had once slurred on a drunken tirade. "They'll show up if ya promise'em glory, but soon as things start t' heat up they're gone, an' with all yer hard-earned money too." It was no secret that Bill had trained his Badgers well, but he drilled in no lesson harder than "Never trust a Crimson."

If the rivalries between the different clans in the Guild were to be described as "fierce", the rivalries between their respective mercenaries were to be called "vicious". Each company had worked hard for its long-standing contracts with their clan clients, and they devoted massive amounts of resources to keeping those good relations. The best way most of the companies could gain favor was to go out of their ways to attack and destroy the companies of other clans. Despite the now two-generation alliance between the Amagai and the Layton clans, the Hellions and Badgers had yet to regain each other's trust after a brutal war nearly two hundred years before. Bill remembered many a story his grandfather would tell about his own grandfather, a soldier in the war. He told Bill about bloody, disease-filled trench warfare, of orbital bombardments leveling entire cities, and the humiliating defeat the Badgers had suffered at the hands of the Crimsons, the precursors to Layton's Hellion mercenaries. Ever since that day, Bill had made it up in his mind that he was going to despise all Crimsons with as much hatred he could muster. Save for a few faltering moments he had kept it up to his own satisfaction.

The leader of the Badgers walked up to a long line of mercenaries lined up along a cliff-face, looking down at the city of Garrison. Bill cleared his throat to gather their attention, and they all made a quick about-face on their heels, saluting him. He smiled at his own men, dressed in replica Viper armor. It was frustrating to see them wear the colors of the enemy, but he trusted Darius. He'd known the Amagai youth for only a short time, but something told Bill that the boy had a great destiny, and that if he knew what was good for him he'd follow that youth as far as he could. This time, the boy had told him he'd need his men disguised, and he'd disguised them as well as any man could. He positioned himself where he needed to be, standing in front of a large metal hulk. He brought his fist straight out to his side, and smacked it against the frame of the large vehicle. He began to bellow in a louder, more booming voice than he usually used, and took care to properly pronounce his words through his thick accent. He failed.

"This, Badgers, is a Marshall-Keane design Aerial Transport an' Assault Craft, or an MK AHAC for those of you who can't talk th' big words! Today this craft is gonna be yerr mama, it's gonna be yerr best friend, it's gonna be yer guardian angel, and it is gonna be the biggest goddamn knife you have ever held as it rains down molten lead on those Smitt sonsa*****es like so many cuts to their stomachs, you hear me Badgers?!"

The Badgers stamped their feet and made a gutteral "aroomph" noise, in response to their commander's attempts at motivation. Himself motivated by their enthusiasm, Bill continued.

"Badgers, if you have ever doubted your position in life I think I'd like ya to reconsider yer position! We are standin' on the precipice of glory, of war, an' one helluva bloodbath, boys! We got ourselves a whole mess'a white plastic-wearin' pansies down there waiting for th' gallows! They think they are so great that they could take on the Badgers an' come out on top! Will you let that stand, soldiers?!"

"Hell no, sir!" The Badgers shouted back, raising their rifles into the air.

"And all around us, Badgers, we've got ourselves a regular bunch'a prissy Hellion boys thinkin' that just 'cause their Crimson grand-daddies won themselves a fight that they have got th' stuff to fight alongside the Badgers! Will you show them just how goddamn pathetic they really are, Badgers?!"

"Hell yes, sir!" They shouted back.

"Then get yer sorry asses on this bee-yootiful piece'a machinery here, an' let's go nab us a councilor, boys! This's gonna be one to write yer folks about!"

Bill turned and jumped into the side of the AHAC, while his men, twenty mercenaries in all, divided themselves between Bill's own transport and its identical twin sitting a few meters away. It took them less than thirty seconds to pile in and report to their Captain to let them know they were all in. In near-perfect unison, the AHAC pilots brought their flying beasts to life, the rotors spinning at speeds too fast to see as they lifted their own massive bodies into the air before drifting up over the peaks. To their left, a second pair of AHACs were making their way along a different route. "There go them prissy wannabe Crimson boys now, Badgers!" Bill shouted into the mic. "They got their sorry asses a head start, an' we're still gonna beat'em to their own dang target, am I right!"

The loud whirring of the AHAC's motors was drowned out by the cheering coming from inside its metal frame, as the mercenaries descended from the high peaks of the mountain. Below them stretched out the expansive estate of Councilor Orville Smitt, his pristine white mansion—more of a fortress, really—embedded in the side of the mountain. On the very top of the complex was an extremely large landing pad, several hundred square meters in total of various spaces for whatever shuttles needed to land. At the moment Bill could only make out two—an offworld shuttle from a diplomat, likely the McCaines, and the Councilor's personal aircar. He wondered to himself if the diplomat would be a problem; sparking a war with the McCaines was something even he wanted to avoid. Skill only brought his Badgers so far when going against mercenaries as psychotic as the Cloud. He considered alerting his men not to harm the diplomat, but decided against it. As far as he cared, it was time they got some payback for the death of Councilor Albus.

As soon as the AHAC gunships were in range, the pilots activated their chainguns. Massive multi-barreled appendages welded to the bellies of the ships slowly began to turn, speeding up until they were a blur, when the bullets finally erupted in a torrent of yellow streaks. The high-velocity rounds impacted the roof with prejudice, tearing through concrete and steel as they struggled to find their marks on the vehicles. After a moment of steadying the ships and closing the distance, the chainguns got close enough to make direct hits on the vehicles, molten lead converting the transports into bubbling scrap in a matter of seconds. Not a minute later and the AHACs were hovering just above the surface of the roof. Bill wasted no time in acting and grabbed his nearest Badger, tossing him out of the safety of the gunship before shouting everyone else off in seconds. He jumped out himself, only to find his men racing for cover as movement stirred on the other side of the roof. Half a dozen men in a metallic white armor were lined up behind barricades, their rifles aimed for him.

"Drop your weapon!" one shouted. "You Vipers are gonna get hell for breaking our truce like this!"

"Well, at least the disguises fool 'em" Bill muttered to himself. He gave no verbal response to the guard himself, instead pointing at them to the pilot in the nearest AHAC. He understood, and a volley of chaingun fire ripped the guards to shreds. Bill stood everyone back up and forced them over to the nearest door. "Get in line you sonsa*****es, single file! We're goin' into hostile territory here, get yer heads in it, and remember, we are Vipers th' moment we set foot in that door!"

He took the lead, and came up to a door leading to a downward staircase. He brought his leg up and smashed his leg into entrance, the wooden frame smashing into splinters as it tumbled down the steps. He crouched and moved down the stairs, his mercenaries tailing him closely, as they went down several floors. The man behind him grabbed his shoulder as he passed a door and whispered "This is the floor, Councilor Smitt's office is here."

Bill nodded, mostly to himself in anticipation of the ensuing violence. He leaned up against the door and reached into a bag strapped to his leg. He pulled out a small length of what appeared to be wire, and attached one end to a visor he then placed on his face. The other end he fed under the bottom of the door, a tiny camera on the end capturing every detail of the other side. There was a small barricade set up, ten guards had taken up positions in various parts of a medium-sized atrium. Two at close range, four behind raised walls near the center, and the remaining four on a balcony at the far end.

He turned and relayed this information to his own troops, and quickly spat out orders for them to follow. They lined up behind the door, each reciting their own personal task to themselves in a mix of fear and excitement. Bill counted down, three… two… one…

The door burst open, a puff of smoke from a grenade immediately obscuring the vision of the guards within the atrium. Bill's men rushed in, their thermal goggles giving them a clear view of the two closest men. They fell in a hail of bullets, their blood slicking the clean tile floor. A spray of bullets came from the remaining eight guards, their random shots finding their mark in the neck of a young man standing next to Bill. The Captain's eyes shot open as he cursed every word he could think of as the young man's corpse collapsed on him. He fell to the floor on instinct, and dragged the young body with him behind a bench for cover. Another Badger, disguised as a Viper, came rushing in with a grenade launcher. He stood in the open and fired his weapon with precise aim, its payload detonating on the balcony. An unlucky guard's white form was replaced by a red and black outline on the wall behind where he once was, and the other three were sent scrambling as the floor collapsed beneath them, one escaping to the room beyond the atrium while the others fell. Their bodies crumpled up at the end of the long fall and remained still.

The grenadier immediately paid for his rookie mistake as the four standing guards returned fire, a hail of armor-piercing bullets punching through his entire body. A terrified scream escaped the boy's lips before he was catapulted backwards through the doorway he entered from. Bill cursed again, wondering how his own elite could make such obvious mistakes. He took action for himself this time, propping himself up over the wall and picking out one of the men behind a large palm tree. He squeezed the trigger, and a three-round burst snaked through the guard's skull. A guttural sound welled up in his throat, and his body fell in a single, fluid motion. The remaining three men saw their comrade fall and began to move backwards, still firing randomly as they sprinted for the door. The Badgers began to whoop and holler as they gave chase to the white-armored guards, a hail of bullets cutting them down long before they reached safety.

A cheer erupted from Bill's men as they celebrated their victory, but their Captain descended on them quickly. "Hey, hey, cut the chatter, Vipers! You may've just beat their asses, but one of 'em got away! He's gonna warn th' others, an' now we've really got our work cut out for us. Already lost Tracy an' Max, I'd better not see any'a you pull stupid mistakes like they did, all right? It's gonna cost you your life, like it cost theirs."

A commotion of agreement and ashamed apologies came from Bill's men, but they regrouped quickly and formed up into two groups of five. Bill led one of the teams alongside him as he moved up to a door into the next room. He peered in to see that it was a featureless white hall, with a similarly-colored carpet. Above him was a small walkway, presumably the route that guard had taken back to his comrades. Bill wondered if the Councilor knew about their attack yet, and unconsciously began to move a little faster, as he ordered the other team down the hall.

Five Badgers crouched low and moved down into the hallway, the eccentric art on the walls catching their eyes. They came to the first door on the right and abruptly stopped; a hush fell over them as they listened. On the other side Bill made out something like a faint whimpering. The team by the door lined up in a breaching position, and waited for the one at the back of their line, a behemoth by the name of Arthur. Arthur strode to the doorway and crashed the frame in with his first kick. Bill watched as the team rushed into the room, shouting obscenities and orders not to move; he thought he heard a voice attempting to protest, but a moment later an ear-piercing volley of gunfire cracked into life. Bill left his cover and rushed into the room to see the source of the commotion. The room was sort of dining area, about 40 square feet and longer than it was wide, and in the usual style of Smitt decorating. His five troops were gathered in a semicircle around a pulpy mass that was once a man. Bill approached the corpse and kneeled beside it to check its ID. He only needed to look for a moment, before he found a triple-chevron pattern, colored red blue and yellow, all bright and adorned with trim on the sides.

A feeling of dread spread through Bill's body as he came to recognize the symbol as the McCaine's clan. He instantly regretted neglecting to warn his men as he realized what was about to happen. His legs shook a bit as he stood up and turned to his men. "What th' hell've you done, boys? Get out! Get the hell outta here before"—

Though he never explained just what they were running from, his men found out for themselves when the wall beside them exploded with the force of a small bomb. A chunk of rock struck Bill's helmet, disorienting him; he thought he heard another explosion outside, and the distraction lasted long enough for a large leg to spring from the debris and force itself into his stomach, launching the mercenary across the room into a wall. He hit the wall with a loud thud and slid down, looking up to see the smallest of the team, a young recruit named Ashley staring at a blade that had just pierced her heart and come out the other side. Another kick detached her from the sword, and the mysterious attacker stepped out of the smoke onto her fresh corpse. He was a stout man, about five and a half feet tall, covered in a distinctive armor. The matte black underarmor was covered by multiple bright orange plates, though the most distinctive parts were his helmet and insignia. The orange helmet covered his entire head, with no part of his face visible. A small plate jutted out in front of where his eyes would be, to keep room for the hardware that ran his heads-up-display inside. The insignia was also bright orange, and proudly displayed on his chest, shoulders, and back. It was a puffy cloud, starting from a pointed tail and drifting off into a more rounded shape on the other end, full of various spirals to give it more form. This was the insignia of the universally-dreaded Cloud mercenaries.

While most mercenary companies working for the clans were actual companies, the Cloud was more of a home-grown force. The McCaine took their strongest, most clever, and most insane citizens and captives hostage, brainwashing them and driving them to a frothing insanity. All they knew was their duty to the clan, protecting their charges and eliminating their targets with ferocity and precision that no other clan could match in one-on-one scenarios. Therefore, a single mercenary was usually deemed sufficient to guard a person of moderate or lower importance within the clan hierarchy. However, the necessity for Cloud mercenaries to be completely insane had its drawbacks. When a target a Cloud was ordered to defend was killed, or any other form of mission was failed, it had a tendency to go berserk and destroy any and all living beings it could find before committing a very showy suicide by way of a thirty-pound bomb strapped to their backs. It was in the best interests of anyone nearby to prevent this from happening.

Though he had taken a moment to enjoy the slaughter of the young recruit, the Cloud wasted little time in continuing his rampage. The blade he held in his hand was a marvel of technology, a sword taken from the planet of New Bethlehem. The craftsmen there were legends for their ability to produce wares with attention to the most minute of details. In the case of a weapon such as a sword, this included making sure that it was capable of slicing open even the strongest of armor, while still being light enough to wield efficiently. The blade proved its worth again when an upward stroke vertically bisected another Badger, his scream cut short by the stroke through his vocal chords. The last sound he made was a pathetic hacking sound as his two sides hit the floor.

By now Bill had recovered, and quickly drew a pistol from his side, which he fired repeatedly at the Cloud. The mad killer took a blow to the shoulder, his armor reflecting the shot entirely; only a dent in the armor hinted that a bullet had made contact. "Damn." the old merc thought. "Must be solid amagium." After the first round the Cloud ducked, letting the bullets fly over his head as he drew a pistol of his own. A single shot hit Bill's hand, which flinched from the blow and forced him to drop his weapon. Bill immediately identified the Cloud's helmet as the source of his inhuman accuracy, guiding the mercenaries movements to perfectly strike his enemies. The veteran clutched his bleeding appendage and ducked behind a chair at his end of the table while Arthur approached the Cloud from the side, his own rifle firing wildly.

The Cloud rolled backwards, dozens of bullets impacting harmlessly on the floor. He thrust forward with his sword and brought it through Arthur's stomach. The big man gasped and choked a bit, but his agony was ended when the Cloud put a bullet into his brain. He quickly removed the sword, and Arthur fell back against the wall, his face in shock. The last two Badgers in the room poured bullets at the Cloud from one side, their bullets impacting on his nearly-impervious armor. The McCaine's wild mercenary ducked and leaped into the air, flipping over the two and landing behind them, his weapons sheathed. His hands shot out and found purchase on one Badger's head as it was jerked to the side. His neck snapped loudly, and he was tossed away as if he were a ragdoll. The last of the team aimed her shotgun at the Cloud and fired a spread shot. Multiple pellets impacted harmlessly against his armor, but three or four made their mark on the weaker underarmor. The black areas of his suit were splotched in his own red blood, as the Cloud stumbled back from the impact of the pellets. The woman pulled the trigger and fired again, but by now the Cloud had already weaved to the side and drawn his sword. He lunged forward and pushed the blade up through her abdomen and released it, leaving it hanging there as his hands grabbed her shotgun and spun the barrel to face her. A loud bang erupted through the room, and a mix of gray and red splattered the ceiling.

The Cloud looked around for more enemies to slay, and was met by a loud roar from the other end of the room. Bill shoved his body into the end of the long glass table that served as the main seating area for everyone in the room, and it rammed into the mercenary, pinning him up against the wall. Bill jumped up on top of the table, which held his weight by some miracle, and ran down its length firing bullets at him. The Cloud's head moved from side to side in inhuman fashion, the bullets either harmlessly impacting this helmet or the walls around him, but his sensitive underarmor was never touched. As Bill got closer, he found that his gun was empty, and instead pulled out a combat knife and threw it at the Cloud. This was a poor choice in judgment, as the Cloud immediately lifted his sword and deflected the knife, and then threw his own weapon at the Badger. Bill had no choice but to duck, which brought his own head within reach of the Cloud. The mercenary wasted no time in grabbing the first place he could reach, Bill's ear, and dragging him close enough to deliver a solid punch to his nose, cracking it open and sending a stream of blood pouring out. Bill attempted to defend himself in this odd position and threw a left hook, but the Cloud caught it and twisted the arm away, forcing Bill to roll off the table. The Cloud threw the veteran mercenary into the wall and pushed table away. He darted for his sword, but Bill charged after him and tackled him as soon as he grabbed the weapon. The two were on the ground, each attempting to get to the top position. After a quick scuffle the Cloud was the first to reach this position, and brought his blade down in stabbing motion at Bill.

The older mercenary's eyes opened wide, as he deflected the blow with his combat knife. As they rolled past it he had managed to grab it, and was now grateful for it. The Cloud's blade retreated, and struck again closer to his stomach. This time Bill was too slow, and the blade punched into his abdomen. His face twisted into a horrible expression as he attempted to push through the pain, and swing his knife up at the Cloud's hands. His foe quickly moved his hands away from the blade, which presented Bill with an opportunity. He immediately dropped his knife and grabbed the sword instead, and lifted it out of his body in a fluid motion. He swung it at the Cloud, and with a lucky strike sliced his left arm open. The Cloud jumped to his feet and backed away; Bill responded by using his other arm to grab his combat knife and toss it at the bodyguard. It landed in his thigh, blood flowing out from the underarmor. The Cloud staggered a bit before removing the dagger, wielding it against Bill. The old mercenary had gotten up once more, now holding a hand over his wound while wielding his sword with another. He made the first move and lunged forward, but the Cloud slipped under the blow and moved forward, slicing the knife across Bill's cheek, nearly cutting it entirely open. A sudden adrenaline rush encouraged the Badger, and his free hand hit the Cloud with an uppercut that knocked him to the floor, a large dent in the hardware bulge of his helmet. Bill regretted his lucky shot almost immediately, as his hand was nearly crushed against the incredibly strong amagium.

He wanted to check if it was broken, but lacking in time moved forward and swung down with his sword at the mercenary. But the Cloud moved too quickly, and a spinning kick caught Bill's leg and pinned him to the ground. The Cloud landed, planting one part of himself on top of Bill's leg while leaning on his sword arm, leaving him defenseless.

The Cloud lifted his knife, and brought it down. Bill waited for the impact, but watched in awe as the knife went slightly to the right of his face and slipped into the floor beside him. He looked back up at the Cloud and saw the dent in his helmet. "The damage must be screwing up his vision." the old veteran realized. With his free hand he grabbed the Cloud mercenary's pistol out of its holster and shoved it up into his neck, firing a pair of shots. A soft gurgle came from underneath his helmet before he collapsed. With a pained wheeze Bill shoved the corpse off of him and slowly climbed back to his feet. He found that his leg had been injured by the takedown, in combination all the blood he was losing from his stomach wound. He would need to finish the mission and link up with the Hellions quickly. He looked around the room and counted five Badgers. He felt a bit worried as he stepped out into the hallway, suddenly recalling the second explosion. He looked at the way he had come from, to find the blast radius of a grenade had gone off. The scorched bodies of his Badgers lied in grotesquely impossible positions all around the blackened hallway, their features warped from the intense heat. Bill shook his head and gave a silent prayer for his lost men. He leaned against the wall to take a breath and began to limp down toward the Councilor's room.

tl;dr: Story's resident Colonel Kickass leads his men on a large-scale home invasion of his best friend and leader's current political obstacle, there are a few simple firefights, then a super-soldier behemoth mother****er shows up and tears **** to shreds. Colonel Kickass and Corporal Incredible Hulk throw down, Kickass comes out on top after taking the beating of a lifetime and continues the mission.
 
Since I'm a tool and didn't see this, I guess I'll bite.

This is an alternate form of the snippet I posted earlier.


There was the crack of a twig, which pierced the forest’s silence. Three men walked with a brisk pace down the path, two following a cloaked man. The weak morning light slanted through the overlapping leaves. Only a few reached the forest's floor. A soft layer of mulch gave way over the cloaked man's boots. There were shrubs and vines all along the path, huddled around rocks and the stumps of trees for support. The path itself was barely worthy of the name, a thin line of dirt wrought into the soil by the countless tracks of the hooves and paws of animals, the wheels of carts and the boots of men and women.

Behind the cloaked man were two young men wearing thin, yet strangely ornate leather armor. They wore capes with hoods, to protect against the weather. They were down now, though. The weather was quite humid. They carried tall staves, almost as long as they were. They were topped with strange blue orbs that seemed to glow with an inner light. The cloaked man, perhaps a leader, carried a gnarled old wooden staff, blackened with age. It had the carved image of a dragon’s head headpiece. It was incongruously ornate, and reinforced by thin bands of black metal. His cloak was black, with gray lining. It was plain, yet study and warm. His boots were brown leather, with a layer of animal warm fur over it, and held together with rawhide string, they looked aged, but well cared for.

The part of his wardrobe that matched the least was the shining steel mantle around his shoulders. It was blood red, with gold trim, and tapered down in to an extremely shallow point at the center of the man’s chest. It was crowned with a sapphire the size of a fist. It glowed, like the headpieces of the lesser men’s staves. His clothes and gloves were similar to his cloak and boots. Plain, yet utilitarian. They were simple tanned brown leather, built to take lots of abuse from the weather.

His face was slightly aquiline in its features. His cheekbones were high, skin sallow, nose aristocratic. He had black hair, with a short, groomed beard limited only to his somewhat sharp chin. Most striking was his eyes. They were slightly hooded, but bright and piercing, and most of all, two different colors: bright, pale green on the left and equally bright pale blue on the right. They had a sort of fire in them that the generous would call inspiration. The less generous would call it insanity. His mouth was a thin, and uncompromising. At the moment, however, it was curled into a snide, tight sneer. It uttered, in a voice that was equal parts smooth velvet and acidic malice:

“Ahh, Inner Loskha. Beautiful, serene, contemplative. One of the greatest strongholds of nature’s kingdom.” The voice turned harsh, hateful: “Oh, how I despise this wretched place.”

One of the young men behind him started in shock. It was rare to hear their master speak so spitefully. He was usually calm and composed; with an undercurrent of dark menace, yes, but always in control. To see him snap like this was a jarring, unfamiliar experience for the young man. He was suddenly very scared.

The black-cloaked man snorted loudly and waved his right hand through the air. A small orb of flame slowly flickered to life around chest height. It glowed like a beacon in the poorly lit night. The black robed man, a magician, leaned a bit on his staff, his expression fading from burning hate to mild disgruntlement. He reveled slightly in the flame’s warmth. He waved his hand to summon the two apprentices behind him to come forward.

They edged carefully towards the flickering ball of flame, eager to feel its warmth and dryness, yet wary of their master’s unexpected wrath. When they were next to him, they found themselves holding their breath, as if the mere act of breathing would offend the master enough to fly into a violent rage.

“Oh, calm yourselves gentlemen. I’m better now.  He didn’t bother to explain the nature of his outburst. The apprentice mages didn’t expect him to do so. They visibly relaxed. One cleared his throat as politely as possible. The master half-turned and cocked a questioning eyebrow.

“Master, may we add our power to the flame? To practice our art?”

“Of course, man, you don’t need to ask me if you can wipe your arse. You won’t become a skilled magician with that meekness. I expect willing obedience, not cringing submissiveness. Keep the difference in mind. Many don’t.” He didn’t bother to add: Especially around me.

The mage nodded his head to this impromptu lecture. “Yes, master. I apologize for my error.” The master nodded approvingly. He waved his hand in a more complex formula than his master did, and the flame grew slightly stronger. His partner did the same, but dimmed the heat as to not be uncomfortable. It was more for the light than the heat.

The master exhaled deeply, trying to calm his frayed nerves. “Well, gentlemen, we’re here. Might as well make the best of it. Come on, and let’s see if we can find this damned thing.”

“Of course, master.”

They trudged on a little further, the ball of light following dutifully. The master still looked irritable, but seemed to take comfort in an inner thought. The apprentices relaxed further. They recognized his current mood. He was like this whenever they headed anywhere close to Loskha. He seemed to hold the whole region in equal parts of contempt and loathing. At least he was calming down for the moment.

“This better be quick,” The master muttered to himself, darkly. "I cannot wait until I can finally break those self-absorbed fools."

“I’d be careful, Thericles. They might hear you.”

The man named Thericles looked over with a look of irritation at the source of the interrupting voice. He saw a large man, carrying a vicious axe, and sitting atop a great black warhorse. Both the man and the horse were covered in black plate armor. He wasn’t wearing a helmet, so it was easy to recognize him. The man had dark skin, brown, shaved hair, strong features and a small, undecorated silver nose ring. Thericles gave an exasperated snort. “Oh, you. I’d thought I heard you stomping around. What do you want, Ikyaan?”

Ikyaan chuckled. “Peace, sorcerer. Calm yourself. That is not a way to speak to your commander, after all.”

Thericles snarled. “I don’t give a-”

Ikyaan cut him off with an upturned hand. He said with more authority: “I said calm down man. Look, I won’t delay your torment for long. Just listen.”

“Oh goodness me, I couldn’t possibly wait!” Thericles said sarcastically. “Fine. But for all the goodness in your rotten heart Ikyaan, make it bloody quick.”

Ikyaan nodded and smirked. “Alright. I believe you are going to locate the temple city, yes?”

“How observant of you. Yes, we are.”

“With only two apprentices barely out of their mother’s womb to accompany you? You must be confident in your abilities, even if you are playing scout.”

“No offense, Ikyaan, but I wouldn't trust those goat-****ers for anything. Certainly, they seem unable to locate a latrine. Anyway, get to the damn point.”

Ikyaan could help but grimace. The Ghaskans were a rather filthy bunch. Even by the standards of barbarians.“I am. The temple is heavily defended. The Sitarni won’t be giving up their artifacts easily, you know, and they would give an arm and a leg to take you down. Especially effectively unguarded.” Thericles' apprentices didn't think to take offense. Service under the caustic sorcerer eliminated any silly self-aggrandizement they began with.

Thericles gave a magnificently condescending sneer. “Ask me give I care. I’m not scared of them or their retarded so-called 'scouts, or their holier-than-thou attitude. If they try to stop me, they may not live to regret it. If I’m in a good mood.”

“Heh. You are confident. However, I’m here to tell you that they have reinforced the temple quite heavily and the marches throughout. More than you think. I'm sure you could defeat them, but I've got better uses for you, sorcerer. My scouts jut got back to me; well three of the five I sent out. Anyway, we came here only with a scratch force. We will need to gather reinforcements if we want to have a reliable shot at taking the temple before the Sitarni can destroy any of their things of real value. They may have already started on the lesser artifacts.” Ikyaan didn't seem bothered by that fact.

Thericles didn't seem to either. He gritted his teeth in an expression somewhere between a grin and a scowl. “I guess. I know where to find some people to help us.” He turned around and started walking back, his mages following. He suddenly stopped and turned, giving a smirk to the commander of the dark knights: “Don’t worry, Ikyaan. I’ll baby-sit this whole little operation for while you can rest easy and keep your hands squeaky clean. You can thank me later.”

He made a complex motion with his hand. The forms of Thericles and his two mages became ethereal for a few seconds, then in a flash of light, they were gone, teleported back to camp.

Ikyaan’s expression grew slightly worried. The thought of Thericles promising anything was a distressing one. Ikyaan was not noted for his squeamishness. Rather the opposite. Yet, there was just something about the man that made him ill at ease. He was glad that Thericles was on his side and semi-obedient. For now, anyway.
 
Pillock 说:
That story I've been writing is coming along well if judging by length and not quality. Nobody has the time/balls to sit through all these chapters and give proper criticism  :sad:

Here's Chapter 5, of a story that is currently 11 chapters in and with the end nowhere in sight.

11 chapters isn't that many, the longest thing I ever wrote was 108 chapters long, but that doesn't include the prequel or the sequel. It is fan-fiction though so some might argue that it doesn't really count. In reality I have the first 2 parts of a trilogy which are about 60 chapters, combined, and I'm guessing the third part will be another 30 chapters too, although one can never tell. But you can't really judge a story by its length, just look at The Wheel of Time. I totally understand the need to create a rich, in-depth and vibrant world but that whole saga could have been 5 books shorter, easily.

Also, quality is usually judged by impartial third parties, not by yourself.

HiameCrest 说:
Why Billy Had No Friends

Billy was a little boy
Who played on his computer.
He played only one type of game.
That was first person shooter.

Billy played and Billy died
For that is part of the game,
But Billy died more than most
Cause damn that boy was lame.

Whenever little Billy died,
He made a witty retort.
"STFU, N00b" Billy cried
Cause Billy was a bad sport.

Other players tried to calm him down
As Billy lay there dead.
They suggested he not play anymore.
Actually... GTFO, they said.

That's when little Billy's life
Took a drastic turn.
He decided he would rather cheat
And let them *****es burn.

Billy started spawn camping
And next he started botting.
But as his score was slowly rising,
His brain was quickly rotting.

As his brain diminished,
Slowly dying inside his head,
Little Billy grew quite bored
And played other games instead.

But sports were not his style.
He had no brains for strategy.
So little Billy made the decision
To try an MMORPG.

That was Billy's big mistake.
He'd finally have to pay.
For Fate dumped poor little Billy
Into a Gamemaster's way.

Billy started swearing.
The GM counted strike one.
Strike two came for scamming.
One more and he'd be done.

Then our little Billy
Made a dumb GM call. "
Strike three!!!" the GM shouted
And the axe began to fall.

Billy was quickly warped to jail
His account received a flaggin'.
And when Billy started to whine,
I fed him to a dragon.

And what became of poor Billy,
The boy who had no friends?
I dragged him out into the street
And shot him cause no one likes a retard.

The End

Makes me cry everytime I read it.

I think Billy learned a very important lesson, don't you?

That lesson: don't be a n00b or someone will put a bullet into your brain.

Good lesson there.

I'm all about the children.

Cool pome, bro. But wrong thread.
 
Not a "pome", bro. Children's story. This is the correct thread. So, no thanks.
 
This one time for a highschool writing assignment I wrote this totally awesome fantasy horror story about a knight who was sent to rid a village of a spectre, and I can't remember anything about the ending but it was the greatest thing I've ever written.
 
HiameCrest 说:
Not a "pome", bro. Children's story. This is the correct thread. So, no thanks.

Have you been to school?

If it has:

1) Verse instead of prose

2) Rhyme, whether half (masculine) rhyme, end rhyme, or rhyming couplets.

3) Meter

4) Alliteration or assonance

Then what you have is poetry rather than narrative fiction.

Hope this helps.
 
Pharaoh Llandy 说:
Pillock 说:
That story I've been writing is coming along well if judging by length and not quality. Nobody has the time/balls to sit through all these chapters and give proper criticism  :sad:

Here's Chapter 5, of a story that is currently 11 chapters in and with the end nowhere in sight.

11 chapters isn't that many, the longest thing I ever wrote was 108 chapters long, but that doesn't include the prequel or the sequel. It is fan-fiction though so some might argue that it doesn't really count. In reality I have the first 2 parts of a trilogy which are about 60 chapters, combined, and I'm guessing the third part will be another 30 chapters too, although one can never tell. But you can't really judge a story by its length, just look at The Wheel of Time. I totally understand the need to create a rich, in-depth and vibrant world but that whole saga could have been 5 books shorter, easily.

Also, quality is usually judged by impartial third parties, not by yourself.

Well, 11 chapters isn't too long I suppose, but it's already 30,000+ words, and I've never written a story that is actually book-length so it feels extremely long to me. And I know about the quality judgment thing, until I'm told otherwise I'll assume my story is utter ****. But until I'm told it's utter **** I'll keep writing.

Also, out of curiosity what was that 108-chapter behemoth about?
 
Pillock 说:
Well, 11 chapters isn't too long I suppose, but it's already 30,000+ words, and I've never written a story that is actually book-length so it feels extremely long to me. And I know about the quality judgment thing, until I'm told otherwise I'll assume my story is utter ****. But until I'm told it's utter **** I'll keep writing.

Even if you're told it's ****, you shouldn't stop writing. Everybody has different tastes, and one man's **** is another man's gold.

You should definitely get yourself a couple of proof-readers or summink though, who can give you feedback (both positive and negative).

Also, out of curiosity what was that 108-chapter behemoth about?

NWN2 fanfic. A 614,255 word take on the NWN2 original campaign, with most of the boring bits left out or spiced up. A rollercoaster story of sex, drugs and gnomes. It took me 3-4 years to write, during which time I learnt about writer's block, perseverance, and the value of having people to encourage you to keep going.

 
Wow, I'll have to find a 24-hour period of free time so I can read that.

Also how did I just now notice Cat Face.

Anyways herp de derp another chapter. I would just link to my deviantart but that contains highly embarrassing fanfiction I am writing for a friend, so I will just stick to this in case anybody ever feels like reading it.

Bill wasn't sure how much time had passed. He had been crawling through these hallways for his entire life, as far as he was concerned. He looked around. Behind him and up to his feet was a trail, dripping blood that stretched through some unholy stretch of those blank halls, now stained red. At his feet was another pool of blood, but not his own. One of the Smitt's Knight mercenaries was laying face down, his face one of shock if he could recall. The sword Bill had taken from the Cloud mercenary was standing tall from its position in the Knight's spine. The Badger was relieved that Smitt's guards were so poorly trained, in comparison to the psychotic assassin that he had engaged before.

With a grunt, he reached down and grabbed his trophy and yanked it from the corpse. His own hands were stained in the blood of many people, his own included. But none of it was fresh. "Good." he thought. That meant his wounds were starting to clot, and he likely wouldn't die of blood loss. As a mercenary of the Guild, Bill had been given multiple upgrades to make him well-suited for combat. Tougher skin and bones, a self-repairing stomach to avoid impalement and a circulation system that allowed over half the blood in his body to be lost before bleeding out. He was especially grateful for the stomach, without which he would be dead somewhere in these hallways.

But even though he was alive, he had no idea where he was going to find the Councilor. Without his squad, this was quickly turning into a slog.

He recalled the view he had from the AHAC when they descended on the mansion. He was certain he had explored nearly the entire floor; only one hallway remained, around the corner he now faced. Used to the routine he pressed his body up against the corner and gingerly took out a piece of reflective glass he had stolen from a bathroom. He placed it so that he could look around the corner. To his surprise, almost a dozen Knights were in the hallway; but they were not standing, rather they were strewn about in odd positions. Their blood smeared the white hallway, leading up to a single door that had been smashed in. He paused his breathing for moment, and swore he heard voices coming from that door. With a little effort he pushed off from his starting position and moved towards the door, nearly tripping over a corpse. He looked down to see glinting gold armor by his foot. He realized that the men in the room up ahead had to be the remaining Hellions. As he continued to approach, he was certain that there were voices now, and two in particular were in the middle of a conversation.

“…sorry, but the price has gotta be a little better than that before I go and betray my employer. Bad for my rep, you see. Gotta keep up that image, right?"
"Fine, fine, then! I'll give you half the planet if you just put down the gun and listen!"

"Ooh, nice bargaining chip. All right, Smitt, talk."

Bill grimaced, and his heart sank a bit as the voice not belonging to the Councilor spoke. He'd know the sound of that traitor wherever he heard him. Finally up against the doorway, he peeked in, and sure enough he found himself looking at the back of Chuck, and three of his Hellions staring down the Councilor.

Full name Chuck Wolff, and one of the dirtiest cowards in space as far as Bill was concerned. He had reservations about letting him lead Layton's Hellions on the mission, but to think he would be willing to negotiate with his own target was--Bill stopped himself there. This was Chuck, how could he have expected anything different?

"You're a tough one, Crimson, getting past all my guards." Councilor Smitt began, his voice and body trembling in fear. "But, alas, you've killed them all; for the moment I am sorely lacking in the troops I need to get revenge against your employers. Oh, I should have known that Amagai boy was up to no good.”

"Not good." Bill thought to himself. Chuck had let him in on who really sent the attack. If Smitt lived through this the entire plan would fall through. He lifted up his sidearm, but it slipped through his blood-slicked hands and hit the floor. He ducked behind cover as one of Chuck's men turned to face him. He waited for what seemed like ages, but the guard had not spotted him, and turned back to let his commander know that nobody was there. Chuck spoke next.

"So, let me see if I'm clear on this: you want me, a long-standing member of Layton's personal guard, to become a turncoat and go back telling him I've killed you, only to murder him and the new Amagai Councilor in their sleep?"

"Y-yes..?" Orville asked sheepishly.

Chuck paused and stared down the Councilor, only to burst out into laughter, his men joining in quickly. "Oh, I like you, Smitt! I really do, you're a shrewd bastard. Very well, we have a deal; but we're going to need to negotiate the price further once I get back."

Bill had heard enough. He lunged forward to his sidearm, picking it up and leaning in the doorway, his laser sight pinning itself on Orville's forehead. The Councilor's mouth dropped open in horror as he saw the gunman, and was frozen in that state when the bullet punched through his skull. The dead Councilor dropped to the floor, a ghastly exhale drifting out of his frozen mouth. Chuck and the others immediately drew their weapons and turned, only to see Bill. They hesitated, and after a moment put their weapons away. Chuck nodded at two of his men, and they ran over to help up the Badger leader. They supported him by the underarms over both of their shoulders, and dragged him over to Chuck. The Hellion smiled at him, but Bill only saw a smug grin.

"Bill, I certainly didn't expect to see you here! You look a little roughed-up; don't tell me these 'plastic-wearing sonsa*****es', as you called them, managed to bring down all of you?"

"There was a Cloud." Bill growled back to him.

"Oh." Chuck said, sounding genuinely disturbed. He grimaced a bit and apologized for the ordeal. "Of course, you should be thankful you're alive. You'll get a hero's welcome for besting him, I'm sure. Not to mention your timely arrival to finish off the Councilor here."

"Oh, like I expect you t' let me live." Bill replied. Chuck looked at him with a curious expression, and sighed.

"Bill, don't tell me you're still bitter about the Ganymede job? It was business, nothing else. Our employer needed that data, and there was no guarantee we'd live long enough to get it to him if both of us stayed to fight the flea-hounds."

"You cut an' ran with th' money, you bastard!" Bill shouted. "That's why I'm gonna rat ya out t' yer boss! That's all a rat deserves!"

"Bill, you're doing 'that' again." Chuck stated flatly. "You're letting your own little moral code get in the way of good business. Think about it, buddy. We work for some of the most morally bankrupt men and women in the galaxy, the only thing a conscience is going to do is get in our way. Smitt was offering me a better deal than Layton, but since he's dead that deal's off. Your little protégé is going to be just fine, I've got no personal quarrel with him." He leaned in close and practically whispered "So why don't we just keep this secret between us?"

Bill's eyes slipped to look at the corner of the room. Four men in golden armor, now stained red with blood, were piled up in a heap. Chuck's men, most likely killed for disagreeing with the idea of treason. Bill frowned as he thought over his options, and looked straight into his ex-partner's eyes, sighing in resignation.

"Go **** yourself, Chuck."

"Darn," Chuck said in a deadpan voice. He picked up a handgun from the late Councilor's table and slipped in a cartridge of ammunition. "I was really hoping we'd be able to mend this old wound. But it seems not. Well, Bill, it's been fun but I think we really should be getting back to base, don't you?"

He lifted the gun to Bill's head, who shut his eyes and gritted his teeth as he waited for the killing blow. After a pause that went on for far less time than anyone present realized, a small ping sounded; Bill lost consciousness as an intense pain shot through his system, and slowly relaxed into nothing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The pain was back. Bill was taken out of his calm sleep with a jolt of fresh pain, and his eyes shot open to take in his surroundings. He was in a tent, somewhere. He tried to prop himself up, only for more severe pain to force him on his back. His eyes managed to get a glimpse around, and he discovered that he was in a medical tent. The equipment all around was hooked up to his body; a machine designed for replenishing the blood of wounded soldiers was already fed into his arm, and a fresh set of stitches had repaired the painful stab wound in his stomach.

On the other side of the tent, a flap opened and three men walked inside. They approached, and Bill saw that they were Darius, Councilor Layton, and Chuck. He immediately felt defensive, his arm reaching out for a weapon and to his surprise finding the sword he had taken from the Cloud mercenary.

"I thought you should keep it." Chuck told the Badger warmly. "After all, you were the one that brought down that monster."

"No need to explain, Mr. Kraft, my man has told us all about it!" Layton exclaimed. "You'll be getting a hero's welcome for this back home, my man, I'm sure of it! I'll just take my bodyguard and leave the two of you alone for a while, I'm sure you have much to discuss."

As Layton and Chuck left, Darius pulled up a chair next to Bill. "What'd he tell ya?" the veteran asked.

"He informed us of how the initial assault was a disaster, his Hellions being torn apart by the heavy defenses of the Smitts, all but three of his men dying in the breaching of the walls. When they got in, they had to sneak past dozens of guards, ambushing them through the hallways to avoid an agonizing death, until they reached Smitt's office where they were ambushed by a Cloud mercenary. They felt they were doomed, until you arrived on the scene with your Badgers. All of your men were tragically slain in defending them, but you ignored multiple fatal wounds and tore the beast to shreds, then killed the Councilor with the Cloud's own sword. You then collapsed from your wounds, and Chuck had his men bring you back to recover while he planted the forged declaration of heir and brought in a recovery team to clean up the bodies."

"Heh, I'da thought he'd exaggerate at least a LITTLE more'n that…;"

Bill explained the true events of the assault to Darius, who listened quietly until he finished. Once he was certain Bill was done he responded.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Bill, but what bothers me the most about that story is Chuck. If he knew you were going to tell me about his plans, why would he choose to let you live? Or make you such a hero in his telling of the events?"

"I dunno sir, slippery bastard's always been like that. I can guarantee ya that it's gonna benefit 'im in the long run, though. Just don't know how."

"Well, we'd best keep an eye on him then." said Darius, who stood up quickly and placed the chair back in its place. "Get some sleep, Bill. Next time you wake we'll be on our way home. Let me worry about the traitors."

Darius left immediately, and Bill lied alone in his bed. His thoughts were stuck on the faces of the men and women he had lost. He'd need to start writing letters back to their families to inform them. But his grieving was interrupted as the flap opened again, and Chuck stepped into the room.

Bill groaned in agony as he managed to sit up and lean against the back of his bed, staring down his rival. "What the hell d'you want, Chuck?"

"Hm, me?" Chuck asked, sounding genuinely confused. "I don't want anything. I figured you had a lot of questions, so I should probably pop in and see if I could answer any of them."

"You mockin' me?" Bill growled.

"No, not at all!" Chuck insisted, shaking his hands in a dissuading manner. "It seems you're a bit too defensive to kick off this conversation, so I'll ask a question for you: 'Why did you let me live, Chuck?' Well, you see Bill, unlike you I'm not one to hold a grudge. Like I tried to explain to you back in Smitt's manor, business is business. Sure, I left you to deal with the flea-hounds, but that doesn't mean I hate you. I just needed to ensure my own survival. You would have done the same if you were the one holding the data chip."

"I don't leave my men to die." Bill snarled at him.

"But, you didn't die!" Chuck said. "You got out alive, stronger and wiser than before. When you think about it I did you a favor by abandoning you, I forced you to learn that sometimes you have to look out for yourself. Obviously the lesson didn't stick, but it's the thought that counts."

"Fine!" Bill shouted. "You wanna sit here and play trivia with me then answer this! Why'd you let me live when ya know I'm gonna be out f'r yer blood soon as I can walk again?!"

"Oh, well, that's simple, Bill." Chuck said in an innocent tone. "You'll never really kill me; I'm better than you."

"You smug son of a--;"

"Oh come on, Bill, calm down or you'll split that wound back open!" Chuck warned in an almost parentally caring manner. "You've got to keep in mind, Bill, there's always going to be somebody better than you. It just so happens that it's me. And besides, it's not like I enjoy being your better. I just am."

Chuck yawned and stretched his arms out a bit, cutting off Bill's response. "Well, it has been fun, Bill, but I think it's best that I get going. Take care, old partner."

The Crimson leader turned and walked to the tent flap, only turning to fire another tranquilizer round into Bill's neck before walking out. The closing flap was the last thing Bill saw before slipping into unconsciousness again.
 
Pillock 说:
Wow, I'll have to find a 24-hour period of free time so I can read that.

It normally takes my readers 2-4 days to get through the full story on the second run-through, but some of them are actively looking for typos etc.

Also how did I just now notice Cat Face.

Poor observational skills?  o_O

Anyways herp de derp another chapter. I would just link to my deviantart but that contains highly embarrassing fanfiction I am writing for a friend, so I will just stick to this in case anybody ever feels like reading it.

Some minor pointers/adjustments/criticisms:

Bill wasn't sure how much time had passed. He had been crawling through these hallways for his entire life, as far as he was concerned. He looked around. Behind him and up to his feet was a trail, dripping blood that stretched through some unholy stretch of those blank halls, now stained red. At his feet was another pool of blood, but not his own. One of the Smitt's Knight mercenaries was laying face down, his face one of shock if he could recall. The sword Bill had taken from the Cloud mercenary was standing tall from its position in the Knight's spine. The Badger was relieved that Smitt's guards were so poorly trained, in comparison to the psychotic assassin that he had engaged before.

A bit of tautology. Reconsider one usage of 'stretch', find a better synonym.

Consider rephrasing to something less confusing, such as "...the look on his face one of shock, if he could recall." You can't really have a face of shock, but you can have a look of shock ON your face.

With a grunt, he reached down and grabbed his trophy and yanked it from the corpse. His own hands were stained in the blood of many people, his own included. But none of it was fresh. "Good." he thought. That meant his wounds were starting to clot, and he likely wouldn't die of blood loss. As a mercenary of the Guild, Bill had been given multiple upgrades to make him well-suited for combat. Tougher skin and bones, a self-repairing stomach to avoid impalement and a circulation system that allowed over half the blood in his body to be lost before bleeding out. He was especially grateful for the stomach, without which he would be dead somewhere in these hallways.

"Good," he thought. Comma, not full stop.

I believe a circulation system would refer to something like ocean (current) circulation or circulation of oil through a machine. Circulation usually refers to the action, not the system. Circulatory system would be more correct use of english.

But even though he was alive, he had no idea where he was going to find the Councilor. Without his squad, this was quickly turning into a slog.

He recalled the view he had from the AHAC when they descended on the mansion. He was certain he had explored nearly the entire floor; only one hallway remained, around the corner he now faced. Used to the routine he pressed his body up against the corner and gingerly took out a piece of reflective glass he had stolen from a bathroom. He placed it so that he could look around the corner. To his surprise, almost a dozen Knights were in the hallway; but they were not standing, rather they were strewn about in odd positions. Their blood smeared the white hallway, leading up to a single door that had been smashed in. He paused his breathing for moment, and swore he heard voices coming from that door. With a little effort he pushed off from his starting position and moved towards the door, nearly tripping over a corpse. He looked down to see glinting gold armor by his foot. He realized that the men in the room up ahead had to be the remaining Hellions. As he continued to approach, he was certain that there were voices now, and two in particular were in the middle of a conversation.

Needs a comma after "routine".

Starting a lot of sentences with the same word (especially he/she) can get a bit monotonous. Consider revision of some, such as the last example... "Looking down to see gold glinting armour by his foot, he realised...." etc

"You're a tough one, Crimson, getting past all my guards." Councilor Smitt began, his voice and body trembling in fear. "But, alas, you've killed them all; for the moment I am sorely lacking in the troops I need to get revenge against your employers. Oh, I should have known that Amagai boy was up to no good.”

Comma after guards, not full stop.

"Not good." Bill thought to himself. Chuck had let him in on who really sent the attack. If Smitt lived through this the entire plan would fall through. He lifted up his sidearm, but it slipped through his blood-slicked hands and hit the floor. He ducked behind cover as one of Chuck's men turned to face him. He waited for what seemed like ages, but the guard had not spotted him, and turned back to let his commander know that nobody was there. Chuck spoke next.

Comma, not full stop.

He He He, more sentences beginning with the same word. See above.

I can't comment on the rest as I'm about to resume drinking alcohol but overall it sounds okay, given that I haven't read anything else of the story. You haven't made the mistake of droning on and on and on about some historical/geographical setting that nobody cares about yet, as some people do, but given that you're already a good number of chapters in I would expect some of the story setting to have been established earlier anyway.
 
Found something I wrote at the beginning of the year. It's not proofread and there are some grammatical mistakes. It's a bit naive and cliche, too. Oh well.

Thommus woke to the sound of the waves crashing soundly on the rocks below. His mouth was dry, and he could taste salt. Everything tasted of salt on Widowskeep, the food, the water, everything. “Even the girls taste salty” - He thought, grinning, despite his grim mood.

The warm, naked figure embracing his chest while snoring lightly was Ydrïss, the Odenheimer girl befriended a month ago. They had drunk a bit too much in the feast and in the end he conceded to the girl’s advances and stumbled with her into her bedroom. She was a year senior to him, had her own quarters and had no intention whatsoever of having anything other than sex.

“The perfect bedmate” – He thought. And the girl was sweet, in her own way.
She was aggressive in bed, so much in fact that his back ached from many a scratch mark. This came as no surprise, though. Odenheimer women were known for being feisty. She was more than a head taller than him, too. He was glad she had no interest in him other than as a bedmate. They would have made a ridiculous couple - Beside her, his own Dvergi height was laughable.

He spent what seemed like hours trying to go back to sleep, to no avail.
He cupped her breast in his hand and her snoring stopped. He kissed her neck and she smiled, her eyes still closed. Wordlessly he moved on top of her and they started again. It wasn’t until later, as she stopped moaning and squirming and went back to sleeping and snoring that he slept.

In his dreams, he visited the dark corridor again. It was cold, and dark, and damp and every fiber of his being told him he had no business being there. Yet he went forward never slowing down his pace. This place held no fear for him anymore. Only unanswered questions.

As always, he came upon great oaken doors that were heavy to pull. A thousand locks it had, yet all opened for him. The room was large and colder than anywhere he had ever been. In the center of the room there was a great platform with steps to climb it, and in the platform, there was a  big altar of stone, twice as tall as a man and thrice as wide. And in the block there was a man, in irons.

The man was gaunt, with a mane of long, black unkempt hair and a beard just as long. It was not until he went closer to him, that he realized the man was Aelvish. He was dressed in tatters and the only thing noteworthy about his garb was a blue crystal in the middle of his iron necklace. When he got close enough, the man raised his head and glared at him.

Thommus met his glaring eyes and saw many things in there. His eyes told an unspoken story of someone who once soared high just to be brought down low.
He knew he shouldn’t but he pitied the man. And he seemed to detect his pity, because his glare intensified, and anger could be now seen into his eyes.

Then the man grimaced in pain, and said his name.



- Thommus…Thommus…Thommus…

As the man repeatedly called his name, Thommus began to shake. All the while, the man’s voice hammered in his head, getting louder and higher pitched. Thommus…Thommus…

- Thommus! – He heard Ydrïss bark while she shook him.

- What..? – He said, groggily

The girl’s face in front of him looked worried and confused. He touched it to see
if it was real.

- Ye gods, Thommus. Don’t scare me like that. Are you all right?

“I wish I knew” He thought, bemused.

- What happened? – His own voice sounded hoarse.

- You were squirming in bed, and whispering. You are white as a sheet!

He touched his brow. His skin felt clammy to the touch and he was sweating profusely.

- It was nothing. Just a bad dream. What time is it?

- Sunrise – she said, sitting on the bed. – I’ll go wash up.

He watched her go, then he rose from the bed and dressed himself, in the plain grey clothes of the journeyman. He leaned in the window to see the sea crashing against the rocks. The Maiden Islands were a small archipelago of twelve small islands, though only Maiden’s rock was inhabited. In that island once stood two castles, supposedly made for some ancient Aelven royal family. Those castles were called the Kingskeep and the Queenskeep. But the Kingskeep had collapsed centuries before from causes unknown to anyone but the Arch Master and the Grand Master Council.

Ever since then, the Queenskeep became known as the Widowskeep and if you looked out of the east-facing windows on a low tide day you could see the Kingskeep rubble below. He could barely see it today, though. It was storm season, and storms had been going for three days, now. The lower bay was submersed, as well as the lower gate and part of the castle’s first floor. When he was but a child, the tide had never risen as far as the lower gate. Ever since, the tides had been growing higher and higher, and an upper gate, was built, as well as an upper dock area. Master Freean had said that one day the tide would rise over the upper gate as well, and perhaps over the tower, but Thommus doubted that. He knew the castle could survive, though. The first floor had water-gates that were sealed on high tides. And there were subterranean areas in the castle, below sea level, where the Masters den was. Rumor was it, the Kingskeep undersea level was intact, too, but no one could find an entrance, and the place most likely to have one, the Master’s den, was closed to anyone but the Masters.

He heard Ydrïss’ footsteps behind him, but he didn’t turn to see her. He knew she would do what she always did: embrace him from behind. He knew she was just being sweet, but he felt uncomfortable. For all her claims of not really wanting more than sex from him, she was possessive and protective of him, not unlike a man was of a woman. It hurt his male pride a little. He didn’t dare say that out loud, though. He knew he’d either offend her or hurt her feelings (or get physically maimed). Besides, she was feminine in the ways that counted.

- You have to go, Thommus. It’s almost morning and you don’t want to be caught out of your room. – She said.
- I know. – He turned to her – I’ll be going.

They shared a kiss. And as he went to the door, she called his name.

- I really liked last night – She said, after hesitating for the smallest moment.

- Me too, Driss. Me too.

And as he left the room, he heard her sigh. And almost half an hour later, when he finally managed to slip past the Wardens and go to the Journeymen quarters, that sigh was still in his mind.
 
I wrote this back in 2007 while playing the demo of the game Medal of Honor: Airborne. Just found it while going through my Facebook stuff.

I parachuted out of my C-47 transport plane into Adanti, Sicily. I see planes going down, and men with their parachutes on fire crashing into rooftops of this once quiet, beautiful village. I look around, and find the one thing I always love to see, a green smoke flare marking a safe landing zone. My feet hit dirt, and I gather my gear from my leg pouches. I chamber the first round in my Thompson, and mentally prepare myself for the carnage that is to come.

I glance around the landing area, and find a ladder in a shady alley. I figure that the best strategy is to get up high and surprise my enemies, so I start climbing. I reach the top, and peek my eyes out above the roof, I see the polished, sleek, black boots of a Sicilian Nazi Fighter, and quickly duck down, hoping he didn't spot me. I pull my Colt M1911 out of my belt holster, and slowly bring it up next to my face. I then take my left hand and grab his ankle, then drop my feet off the ladder and pull him to the roof's surface. I then release my grip and catch myself, and quickly clamber up the last 2 feet of ladder before he has time to react, and shoot him twice in the chest, and once in the head. The bullet hitting his helmet makes a satisfying "ding!".

I hear someone yell in a guttural voice from a window level with the roof I'm standing on. I quickly lie flat next to the dead man beside me, and a spray of 9mm bullets from an MP-40 narrowly miss my falling form. I pull my Thompson from my back, and spray half my clip in the direction of where the bullets come from. The bullets from the window stop. I lay there, heart racing, as I hear five voices come from the window I just sprayed my Thompson at.

I slowly and quietly eject the half-empty magazine, reload, and chamber the first round. The voices get louder and more angry, they probably found their friend. I hear a boot make contact with the tiles of the roof in the direction of the window, and brace myself.
 
Wrote this last night for school. I'm pleased with it. Critique please?

Thing in Macragge River

I should never have opened that book. From the moment I laid eyes on it, I knew it only had the power to corrupt. To proceed was to step into a chasm so vast that the bottom can only be imagined. But, despite all my precautionary measures and knowledge of psychology, I did.
Naturally, it was a dare. Stupid college students just trying to be funny. Nobody thought that it would erupt into such a horrible event. And, naturally, I took the dare, being the easily impressionable and abrupt man I am. Hah, I could have been persuaded to keep the book for a month, with the right threats.
Finding the book was easy enough, with all of the “keep out” signs everywhere. After entering the drafty stone antechamber in which it was stored, I snatched it hastily without looking at the cover, which would have only disrupted my thoughts and unnerved me further.
I hurried out of the building, slowing my pace when I got to the long stretch of empty, rural road that ran parallel to old Macragge River. The path was overgrown on both sides, the dark, encroaching forest threatening to take over at any moment. I opened the book as I walked, a feeling of being watched creeping into my sub-conscience. The first page was normal enough, just an intro page with nothing on it. The next page, however, threw my nerve out the window and stomped it into the dust.
An illustration of the most horrible kind took up the entire page, wrenching at my sense of security and made all I knew of biology obsolete in the most terrible way. But, for all the horrid qualities of the picture, I could not bring myself to tear my eyes away from the picture. I didn't realize that my progress was barred by a log until it was too late.
I tripped over the hunk of bark in question and went sprawling, suddenly being thrust back into the real world after spending so long in the depths of the imagination. My overzealous movements sent me into the murky depths of Macragge River, and face to face with my worst nightmare. The creature before me could only have been the illustration in the tome incarnate. This time, however, I was able to see it in more clarity.
Several uneven and discolored tentacle-like appendages sprouted from its midsection. My eyes drifted farther up the abomination's body towards the face, although it could hardly be classified as such. A bulbous and elongated cranium protruded from where any normal animal's forehead would be. The number of eyes was legion, all beady and purple, each seeming to be taking its own course of action ever-watching, ever-searching.
I was torn from my state of adrenaline- and fear-induced trance by a familiar grasp. Gasping and dazed, I was dragged ashore by my lifelong friend, Albert E. Ponolie. “Are you okay? You were on the bottom when I found you! It's a miracle you didn't drown!” “Yeah,” I replied. “A real miracle.” My eyes searched and probed the surrounding area for something, but were disappointed.
The book was gone.
 
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