Post stories you have written!

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I tend to write when I'm in class instead of taking notes. I personally don't find myself to be that talented of a writer, but my mates enjoy my writings.
Here is a short story I wrote, the first in a small series of short stories. Might be a bit long for some though.

http://www.novelmaker.com/index/readCommentRate.php?m=8837&role=author&s=38c28a4437d69d26d6c4d116a2089f95&pid=7478
 
Pillock 说:
Well, a story that I wrote?  **** I dunno, it was some half-assed, poorly thought out sci-fi that I've retooled at least a dozen times in the last year alone. Those of you familiar with my actions in writing threads have certainly heard me mention it at least once, so I'll just dive right in and make up a first chapter for the hell of it.

The Churning Night: Chapter 1 (Part 1)

Space. A word with a thousand meanings, each conveying an emotion, a most primal nature. But at the moment, the meaning it conveyed most was "emptiness". The galaxy, known by a thousand names of its own, was checkered and split between hundreds of factions; each a different color, a nature bestowed upon them by fate to play. If one was to look down from the top of the galaxy, they would see a tight cluster of stars in what appeared to be near the center of the galaxy, drifting lazily northeast. This cluster's color was red, the color of blood, and of rust. Well-fitted to the types of men there.

This was the home of the Galactic Commerce Guild. To a stranger they seemed perfect, an entire system-spanning nation dedicated to the regulation of the galactic economy. To those more familiar, they were a very grim joke. The cluster's residents were indeed the regulators of the economy, but there was good reason for the centuries-long recession that gripped all of civilization. The Guild was heavily privatized, and led by a council of thirteen. Each councilor's company, in addition to the basic resources, tightly held a planet containing a precious resource that none of the others had access to. In theory, this was to balance the factions, and promote cooperation. The councilors tended to have other ideas.

Though there was no official military among the Guild, each councilor employed a private military company to enforce the rule within their territory. They were also used in more covert missions, making quick strikes on other councilor's planets to steal their resources. A much preferable option to trading or, worst of all, paying for it. These isolated raids had a nasty habit of escalating, leading to private wars, carrying on in full force until one councilor was dead. Their next of kin would then replace them, and lead their companies from there. Most often, they would pick up the blood feud where it was left off.

This brings us to the original point. The year was 15808 PS or Post-Sundering. After a particularly vicious skirmish with the McCaine clan, a death had occurred among the councilors for the first time in two decades. Albus Amagai, age 112, was murdered when Cloud mercenaries--the traditional soldiers of the McCaine--stormed his private yacht. When he attempted to resist, a knife was slipped between his ribs, and he was killed in a matter of minutes. News spread fast, and the other councilors began to wonder who they would replace Albus with. Their mutterings were the sole subject of many council meetings.

Do you think it might be Lucius? No no, Lucius was killed in a turbine accident two months ago, haven't you heard? Well, maybe it will be Dask then. All three of you are insane, the only one with any experience is Martha, so she is the obvious choice. You daft bastard, where do you get off saying things like that when your men murdered her not two nights ago!?

Council meetings tended to be loud affairs.

However, the man for the job, as decided by Albus himself through his will, was not any one they would have guessed. For, almost twenty years before, the Amagai councilor recognized that his time was likely not long. Though he had no way of knowing how long he would last, he assured himself that assassins would start making attempts shortly. So, in secret, he conducted an experiment precisely to avert the power vacuum that would follow his demise. He had the advantage, in that no one guessed the means of his plan, even if they were to discover the purpose.

To the public eye, the Amagai's capital planet of Heaven's Gate has only one unique resource. A naturally-occurring metal known as amagium. Tougher than diamonds, but extremely malleable under sufficient heat, amagium is often used in top of the line starships for armor plating, and the personal armor of highly valuable persons. But unbeknownst to any but the councilor himself, Heaven's Gate held a second precious resource. Deep in the caverns that run underneath the planet lives a species of giant worm, with highly strange blood. The ooze it leaks has special properties which, when mixed with a special blend of chemicals, creates a soup capable of creating and sustaining tissue. The Amagai clan had the means to create the perfect cloning vats.

With a bit of his own tissue, and that of a woman randomly chosen from the populace, Albus grew his very own son in the vats. With all of his knowledge, and the body of a young man, this heir would be the perfect councilor. Diplomatic, cunning, intelligent, and entirely ruthless. And when Albus was murdered, the time came for the young man to step up. On August 15th that year, the monthly council meeting was called. The 12 veterans arrived and began to bicker about the choice of heir, only to stop and gaze in fascination at the 13th member among them. He was tall, and broad shoulders, though his waist was slightly thinner than a man's his size would normally be. His muscles were well developed, and showed a bit even under his gray tunic. His face was cold, with eyes half-open, and an expression of extreme boredom looming over them. Without a word, he walked to the seat belonging to the Amagai councilor and sat down in silence.

One of the other councilors, a fat old man named Silas Bargo, sputtered at the boy's impudence and demanded that he stand up and explain why he dared to sit in a seat reserved for councilors. With a sigh, the young man stood up, and rotated his shoulder before speaking. His voice was smooth and low, but with a youthful tone underneath it.

"My name is Darius Amagai. I am the new councilor for the Amagai clan."

A continuation of this.

Part 2

To say that the response of the councilors was surprised would be a grave understatement. The cacophonic volume of their shouting in previous meetings was dwarfed by the ear-piercing protests that arose now.
“Imposter!” They shouted. “There IS no Darius Amagai!”
Though the young man calmly worked to ease the tension, councilor Bargo would have none of it, and immediately called for the guards. The mention of summoning guards was all it took to quiet the others, for the guards had not been summoned to remove a visitor in their lifetimes. It would certainly be a novel experience. They waited with bated breath for what seemed like several minutes. This is because it was several minutes, and no guards had arrived yet. Bargo had a look similar to bewildered, spoiled puppy on his face, as if he had been denied a promised treat. He opened his jowly maw to call for them again, but there was no need; the door to the chamber opened in a swift hiss, and two men stepped in. But they were not the gold-armored Vipers that usually guarded the chamber. These men wore olive green armor, shined to perfection; the very latest model of amagium-plated combat armor. These men belonged to Darius; the councilors realized this about the time they had two assault rifles painting their faces with targeting lasers. But with a wave of Darius’s hand the men lowered their weapons, and settled for scowling at the timid bureaucrats from the side.
“Please, could we all just settle down for a moment?” Darius insisted.
“What did you do with my Vipers?!” shrieked an old woman by the name of Melissa Staunt. Her beehive hair and excessive makeup was quite possibly the funniest thing Darius had seen in his short life, though if it truly amused him only he knew. His face remained stoic. He did, however, make a frustrated sigh.
“Your precious mercenaries are enjoying a relaxing trip back to their homes, funded by the Amagai Corporation.” Replied the young councilor. “Considering that we were lacking in guards, I decided I could post men of my own for the duration of the meeting.”
“That’s insane, and completely at odds with the traditional order!” the woman spat back. “The Staunt’s Vipers guard this chamber daily for the rest of the year! The Amagai do not have their turn for another decade!”
“I do apologize, madam.” Darius quickly stated, with a bow to accent the low-key insult. “I suppose, if you wish, I could simply send my Badgers off, leaving twelve old and wealthy characters with an unknown, possibly hostile man in his physical prime. Does that sound fair enough?” Staunt reconsidered her stance and immediately withdrew the protests. But another man spoke up, this one considerably younger than the rest.
A dark-skinned, stout man, a bit rotund, and in his finest suit. His face was clean-shaven and had an air about it that seemed skeptical at the very best. His name was Vincent Layton, an adopted member of the Layton clan, aged 50, and the second newest councilor if Darius was to be counted among them. He spoke an octave above the others, in a voice that grated with his figure.
“You expect us to just believe that some heir we’ve never even heard of has come out of the blue to conveniently claim his deceased father’s place? We’re gonna need a little proof before we start trusting any stranger with hired help to walk through this door.”
Darius allowed himself a bit of a smile at this question. “I wouldn’t ask you to; take a look at these.” He went back to his seat, and flipped open a small console full of various buttons available to any councilor who sat there. He pressed a round green one, and in response the very ceiling of the chamber opened up. From it a rack full of files and documents descended, placed there by Darius that very morning. The young would-be councilor leaned over and hovered his hand over the files, muttering to himself as he sought out on in particular. Finally his hand snapped, snatching up a small sheet of paper, which he carefully handed to Councilor Layton. “These should be all the proof I need.”
The councilors, one by one, observed the page, and to their dismay found it to be legally binding. It was written in the same handwriting as that of Albus Amagai, and indeed it did declare that his supposed son Darius was to take control of the clan. At the very bottom of the page, a round blob of green ink registered itself as the stamp of Albus, a customized stamp that only he knew the full intricacies of, and was intended as a signature for a council member. It was a proud lion, a long extinct creature from earth, its proud and majestic mane stretching down its back and along its flowing tail, its wings unfurled in an imposing manner, and a jet of fire escaping its open mouth. Its emerald fur seemed to shine in the bright light of the chamber, and hypnotized the members of the council. As if in a trance, they handed the sheet back, and silently nodded.
Yes, yes, definitely the son of Albus. I knew it from the start. Don’t start that again, you daft fool! I really should have recognized that nose, come to think of it…
With a raise of his hand, Darius cut off the chattering councilors, and beckoned them to their seats. In short order everyone was seated, and waiting for the new member to join them. Darius leaned back gently into his chair, crossing his right leg over his left and folding his fingers together. “Now that I’m comfortable, let’s begin.”
 
Vilhjalmr 说:
I wrote this in the airport last year because I was bored.

An abandoned train yard. Piles of dead leaves hunched up against the empty cars like the memories of homeless people. Three crows worrying a corpse stretched across the grimy tracks. In the distance a bent figure clicks across the platform on spindle-legs made of twisted metal. A needle protrudes from the right sleeve of the ragged hoodie it wears. Following behind are two more stumbling figures, clothed in rags like the first, with twitching hands that grasp at nothing. Beneath their hoods are the shining black surfaces of camera lenses.
The shadows move, and something lurches around the side of a tipped car, teeth bared in an eternal, rotting snarl. It staggers for a moment, then reaches out with fetid talons and jerks toward the three figures. The crows leap clumsily into the air with harsh cries as the monster grabs one of the tottering things by the hood and neck and gives it a savage twist - there is a grinding and a breaking of glass, and it falls to the ground in a terrible way. A sharp bang ricochets across the train yard’s rusted labyrinth of cars, then the rolling metal sound of a door being raised, and hoarse shouting. Gunfire. The creature pauses, its blank and crumbling skull angled toward the sound. The jaw wrenches open, and it looses a guttural howl. A soldier in a heavy coat and a pale gas mask appears at a shattered window, bringing a shotgun to bear. He fires - the creature stumbles heavily into the leaves. Two more soldiers tear out of a side door; one raises a pistol and fires twice. The other runs forward with an axe and buries it in the creature’s head. It screams horribly and grabs the soldier by the neck. He gurgles and flails wildly while the monster drags him closer and sinks its teeth into his neck. Two more gunshots rend the air, and the rotted thing is still at last. There are sirens in the distance. Tattered papers emblazoned with unpleasant messages glued to the walls tear in the wind. The crows return to the corpse.

It would be a little easier to read if you didn't write in present tense.
 
Here's some more of my absurdly long and wordy story.

The lights of the room dimmed as a Badger fiddled with the controls by the door. The Badgers were the long-standing mercenaries loyal to the Amagai clan. Fierce and armed to the teeth, they are notorious throughout the galaxy for their ability to track down any target, and eliminate in a glorious display of firepower. Their nigh-impervious amagium armor certainly did nothing to quell their bravado.

“Well then, Councilor… Amagai.” said Bargo, his lips in visible pain as he relinquished the title to the newcomer. “I assume you were at least briefed on the process of these meetings?”

“Oh, most assuredly.” Darius replied. “I am completely up to date on the mechanics of these meetings. I am merely waiting for a briefing on the state of the economy.”

“Not much to be said.” A frail old voice responded. Councilor Orville Smitt, the oldest member of the council and senior member, pulled out a thin sheet of paper and placed it on the table. In an instant, a display read it and projected the information on displays for the others to read. A financial report for the quarter was all to be found there, and to call it disappointing would be an understatement that was disappointing in itself. Over the last two decades, the recession that gripped the galaxy had finally been addressed, and was being worked through by a series of reforms brought about by Albus Amagai, and the newcomer Vincent Layton. These reforms were held up only by their combined influence, and with Albus dead they fell through quickly.

The falling out showed in the report, which stated in a calm and businesslike manner that approximately 40% of galactic population was living below the poverty line. Darius stumbled over that number, and went back to check it again. Forty percent, his eyes did not lie. Nearly half of the galaxy was living in a state not fit for animals. He stood up in a flash, startling the councilors only a little, for they were far too busy being terrified by the Badgers, who had lifted their rifles they moment their commander stood, waiting for a target to be given.

“Wait a minute, surely this is some sort of mistake.” he said, his eyes reading that number again. “Forty percent? Surely this must be some kind of mistake, have the numbers always been this high?”

“High?” asked Councilor Smitt, seeming to be confused by the boy’s own confusion. “Councilor Amagai, the numbers have not been this low for as long as… well, for as long as I can remember! Your father did some amazing work, boy; er, costly, but amazing nonetheless.”

Darius felt his lip quiver a bit. He felt… anger? No, his life out of the tube had been short, but he had already felt anger, and this was not it. A deep weight was on his chest, and his mind scrambled with what felt like static. He could not concentrate on anything but that number. Forty percent. He felt wronged; a great injustice had been done here, he could feel it. He looked at the councilors sitting around him, the fat fools bickering over their territories like children fighting over toys, while every day untold billions, perhaps trillions suffered for their foolishness. He had been in that council for ten minutes, and already he could tell how broken the system was, down to its core. In his heart he knew that something had to change. A new system was needed, but what?

If more matters of importance came up in that meeting Darius did not hear them, all he could focus on, all that even entered his head was that number, and one solitary line: How do I change the system? Hours passed as if they were minutes. Councilors argued, they insulted, and they squabbled as they were prone to do, but after an extended time all business was concluded. In a curt gesture, they stood and bowed to each other, and left. Darius had not moved, still sitting in his chair, leaning forward, and staring across the table. The empty seat sat still for but a moment, before it rose into the ceiling. The chair belonged to Councilor Layton. In his mind, Darius was already formulating a plan.

“Sir?” asked one of the Badgers, standing by the door. “The shuttle is here, would you like to leave?”

Darius nodded in silence, realizing for the first time that he had been still for so long. He quietly exited the room, and the Badger closed the door behind them, sealing the chamber until the next meeting; though if Darius had his way, that would not happen for a very long time.

The pair, guard and councilor walked down a narrow corridor. Darius took the time to stare out the windows to his right. The vast expanse of space greeted him, the stars above and the surface layer of a swirling blue gas giant below them. The council met aboard the Tower Shield, an ancient space station built at the founding of the Guild around the planet Omnibus IV, the afore-mentioned gas giant. Its labyrinthine corridors and lack of advanced defenses hinted at its ancient nature, but the greatest clue was the color. The modern clans each had their own preferred color schemes, gaudily splashing them wherever they could possibly go; but the Guild of old had more reserved tastes. The Tower Shield was a dull gray, making it nearly impossible to make out against the dark background of space. Some speculated that this was meant to make it harder to detect, but other scholars with more common sense asked why that would be so when it orbited a bright blue planet, against which it would stick out like a sore thumb.

But before Darius could exposit further within his mind, the hallway abruptly turned to the left, leading into a docking bay where an olive green shuttle awaited. Two Badgers stood guarding the loading ramp, at the foot of which stood a rather brutish looking individual. Everything that the frail councilors were not, this man had a stern, scarred face that demonstrated his years of faithful service on the front lines. His battle armor was nearly as decorated, with dings, scratches, dents, and a peculiar claw rake across the torso marring its olive surface. His closely-cropped sandy hair was all but gone in a solitary patch, where a revolting bite wound had scarred. He saluted as Darius approached, as did the Badgers under his command, but with a wave of the councilor’s hand he stood at ease.

“I assume the meeting went as well as you had hoped, Mr. Amagai?” asked the man. Darius could do nothing but shake his head and sigh.

“It’s Councilor Amagai now. And no. Not so nearly as well as I’d hoped. Let’s get on the shuttle, Bill, I’ll tell you about it on the way.”

Bill, full name William Kraft, was the commander of the Carthan Protection and Reconnaissance Company, otherwise known as the Badgers, and the first friend that Darius had made outside of the cloning vat. The two walked onboard the shuttle together, Bill listening intently as Darius explained the situation to him. After the long and information-filled story, all Bill could do was nod silently, as he rolled an unlit cigar around in his mouth.

“That’s rough, sir. ‘Course, things are rough all over these days. But if you ask me, what you’ve gotta do’s obvious, and I think you know it.”

Darius looked at him disbelievingly. “You can’t possibly mean that I take control of the council?”

“I do, sir.” affirmed the mercenary leader. “An’ don’t try telling me you can’t. Been alive for less than a year, you’re already the smartest man I know, and hell, that ain’t counting the fact you’ve got the resources of a whole clan at your feet, not t’ mention me an’ the Badgers.”

Darius shook his head, still skeptical of his friend’s faith. “I can’t involve your men, Bill. There’s likely little money to be found in this venture.”

“So? Pay my boys in heads an’ they’ll follow you just as far, and wit’ twice the fervor. Ain’t had a good scrap in years, none of them other mercs is brave enough to face a Badger in a fair fight. Give us a war an’ we’ll give you a throne.”
Darius stared as Bill extended his hand, his face an eager and devilish grin. After a moment the Amagai boy returned the handshake, a little smirk of his own shining through his stoic demeanor. “All right, you’ve convinced me, Bill. I’ll try, but I can’t do this alone, and there’s more to a war than how many soldiers I can throw at it. There’s the matter of diplomacy, and politics. Luckily enough, I know where we can start.” he pounded on the door to the pilot’s section of the shuttle. “Set course for Valhalla! We need to have a word with Councilor Layton!”

The pilot on the other side nodded, though to whom she was not quite sure. The agile little ship flipped through the air and began to hurtle through space in the opposite direction it had been going a moment before, its rear engines swelling as a bright blue energy gathered within them. A minute later, and the hyperdrive activated in full force, the shuttle disappearing in a blink.

Not a minute later, the same blink returned to normal perception, in an entirely different system. They rested on the fringes of an asteroid field now, though the pilot distanced the shuttle as fast as possible, before Councilor Amagai realized how close they had come to certain death. The direction they were headed in now led them to a brown, dead-looking planet, surrounded on all sides by metal shrapnel and debris. This was Valhalla, capital of Layton territory and home to the councilor Vincent himself. Once the bustling trade capital of all Guild space, it was now practically abandoned by the other clans, after a violent McCaine raid tore their various stations to shreds, leaving the space around Valhalla a practical minefield. No trade ship larger than a private freighter dared to enter that space. By luck, the small Amagai shuttle was the perfect size to squeeze through the deadly flotsam, and make its way down into the planet below.

As the shuttle entered the atmosphere, it became apparent that the brown color was not the vegetation itself, but a cloud of smog that choked the planet itself of all color. Valhalla was not just a trade center, but also the greatest manufacturer of vehicles and machinery in all of Guild space; nearly all ships, cars, and appliances in that quadrant of the galaxy could find their roots here.

The trip lasted nearly an hour, as the shuttle weaved its way through millions of busy aerial cars zipped along the skyways to and from work, slowly making its way towards the residence of Vincent Layton. It was nearly impossible to miss once they had found it.

The estate, for it could only be called an estate, covered thousands of acres at least, and was made up of dozens of inter-connecting buildings with underground tunnels and elevated walkways to get pedestrians from location to location. Bill made an impressed whistle as he viewed the place. He muttered something about “rave spot of the millennium”, but Darius paid little attention to his friend’s jokes. He was focused on diplomacy now, and all the lessons his father had ever implanted in his ran through his head.

The shuttle touched down on a rooftop platform, and opened up to reveal a half-dozen guards in crimson armor waiting for them. The Layton’s own mercenaries of choice, the Hellions awaited the guests. Darius and Bill exited the shuttle without a response, but when the other guards attempted to step out the Hellions raised their weapons. A single crimson-clad guard stepped forward and mindlessly barked out an order from Councilor Layton himself, that only two-man parties could enter his estate at any given time. Bill stepped up to the guard and looked him up and down.

“Gotta say, Chuck, your boss could learn some manners. Two fine ladies like us show up at your door, and all you can tell ‘em is a bunch of horse**** about conduct?”

Though the guard Bill referred to as Chuck did not respond verbally, he did smack Bill with the butt of his rifle, and point the pair inside. They entered, the veteran silently cursing to himself.

The interior was dimly lit, but tastefully decorated in warm colors, as if it were a particularly high-quality university hall. The Amagai representatives were directed onto a moving trail along the floor. They stepped aboard, and were rapidly carried through the building. They paid little attention to the trip, however. Darius stared at Bill for a moment, until the veteran became uncomfortable and asked him why he was staring.

“Chuck?” questioned the young councilor.
“What about him?” responded the veteran.
“Just who was he, exactly?”
“Chuck’s how I got the claw marks.”

Darius was intrigued at how this could have taken place, but before he could inquire further the trail stopped. They found themselves at a massive set of double doors, opened wide to reveal a luxurious office, as dark and crimson as the rest of the building. The walls were decorated with numerous portraits of past Layton councilors, all wearing what appeared to be the same tan trench coat. A fireplace crackled to the side, next to which was a large mahogany desk. And behind that desk sat a large figure, whom Darius recognized as Councilor Layton himself. He was reading something off the top of a stack of papers, only to glance up and recognize the pair. His demeanor quickly shifted into a jovial state.

“Oh, Darius! Come in, come in!” he gestured to a pair of seats in front of his desk, which the two guests quietly took. Vincent was practically beaming as he greeted them. “I have to say, you performed fantastically this morning! I don’t know why your father never told me about you, but I’ve gotta say he picked the right heir!”

Darius gave a polite smile in return, though his drooping eyes made no change. “Thank you for the kind words, Councilor Layton; but in fact, since you mentioned my father I felt we should get straight to business. My friend William and I have come here because we know that you were one of Albus’ most outspoken supporters in his policies and, well, we felt we could come to you with a bit of a proposition.”

“A proposition? As in a business proposition? What’d you have in mind?” asked Vincent, leaning forward a bit to show they had his full attention. Darius wrapped his lips into a thin smile around his glowing teeth.

“I suppose you might call it an alliance.”
 
Gaunt 说:
Vilhjalmr 说:
I wrote this in the airport last year because I was bored.

An abandoned train yard. Piles of dead leaves hunched up against the empty cars like the memories of homeless people. Three crows worrying a corpse stretched across the grimy tracks. In the distance a bent figure clicks across the platform on spindle-legs made of twisted metal. A needle protrudes from the right sleeve of the ragged hoodie it wears. Following behind are two more stumbling figures, clothed in rags like the first, with twitching hands that grasp at nothing. Beneath their hoods are the shining black surfaces of camera lenses.
The shadows move, and something lurches around the side of a tipped car, teeth bared in an eternal, rotting snarl. It staggers for a moment, then reaches out with fetid talons and jerks toward the three figures. The crows leap clumsily into the air with harsh cries as the monster grabs one of the tottering things by the hood and neck and gives it a savage twist - there is a grinding and a breaking of glass, and it falls to the ground in a terrible way. A sharp bang ricochets across the train yard’s rusted labyrinth of cars, then the rolling metal sound of a door being raised, and hoarse shouting. Gunfire. The creature pauses, its blank and crumbling skull angled toward the sound. The jaw wrenches open, and it looses a guttural howl. A soldier in a heavy coat and a pale gas mask appears at a shattered window, bringing a shotgun to bear. He fires - the creature stumbles heavily into the leaves. Two more soldiers tear out of a side door; one raises a pistol and fires twice. The other runs forward with an axe and buries it in the creature’s head. It screams horribly and grabs the soldier by the neck. He gurgles and flails wildly while the monster drags him closer and sinks its teeth into his neck. Two more gunshots rend the air, and the rotted thing is still at last. There are sirens in the distance. Tattered papers emblazoned with unpleasant messages glued to the walls tear in the wind. The crows return to the corpse.

It would be a little easier to read if you didn't write in present tense.

Less stylized though.
 
Two more chapters. Any criticism or praise is appreciated.

Drawing the Lines

Councilor Layton could not help but grin in delight as the word “alliance” was mentioned. The politics of the Guild were as fluid as water, wars beginning and ending over consistently trivial reasons. But alliances were solid, like rock; a pact between councilors was formed for life, to collaborate for the betterment of both their guilds. Alliances were few and far between in the last several generations.

“An alliance? Oh, you are your father’s son!” squealed the councilor, as he vigorously shook the youth’s hand. Darius attempted a smile, but it appeared awkward and forced when next to the beaming face of Vincent.

“Indeed I am, Councilor Layton.” said Darius in a humble tone, bowing his head in recognition. “But I must admit, you are rather quick to trust me; you seemed far more skeptical at the meeting.”

“All I needed was proof, boy, proof! Oh, and what proof you gave! A stamp from your father may as well have been a video of him declaring you his one true heir. Besides that, I cannot hold ill will towards the son of half of the greatest venture in Guild history! Your father’s work was vital in improving the state of the economy, if you ask me! It’s a rather sorry state of affairs, if you want my opinion.” The large man stood up, and before Darius could intervene the elder councilor was waltzing about the room, ranting and raving.

“It’s the Guild’s job to manage the economy effectively, to bring prosperity to everyone! But instead we all focus on ourselves; it’s a system of greed and corruption! But your father, Albus, he was a visionary, absolutely inspiring! Under his leadership and mine we were leading the galaxy into a new golden age!”

While Layton spoke, Darius and Bill were engaged in a silent conversation of their own, consisting of Bill thinking of new and violent ways to silence the councilor, only to be shot down by a disgusted Darius. After several minutes of this, Darius heard the councilor winding down.

“Oh, but with Albus dead it’s all gone so far downhill, my boy. I fear all the work we’ve done will be for nothing.”

“Not necessarily.” interjected the Amagai youth, abruptly standing up to ensure he would not be ignored in favor of another long-winded speech. He turned and approached the councilor, coolly speaking as he came. “My father was a visionary, but his vision did not go far enough. He raised me to be everything he could not be, and I have fulfilled his wish. I come to you with a proposition, a plea for help. With your resources combined with mine, we have the power to change the system in its entirety, and lead civilization into prosperity it has not known in millennia.”

The expression on Layton’s face was practically euphoric. Each of his hands grabbed one of Darius’ shoulders and shook him vigorously. “Oh, Darius! Do you really think we could do it?”

“I know we could.” Darius responded, his eyes open wide for the first time the councilor had seen. There was a spark in those eyes, a bright fire that let the elder catch a glimpse of the passion inside of Darius. “I can lead us there, but I need your backing every step of the way; do I have it?”

“You have it, Amagai, you have it!” Layton shouted in joy. “Just tell me what your first step is, and my clan will be behind you every step of the way.”

“Don’t be so quick to trust, Councilor Layton.” Darius insisted, pushing him back to give himself space. “When I tell you my plan you may wish you had never asked. Do you still wish to hear it?”

“Tell me, boy, tell me.” Layton said, his face a mix of concern and extreme interest. “You’ve hooked me now, don’t try and tell me I can’t listen to what you have to say.”

Darius nodded, and took a deep breath. “You said yourself, Councilor, that the system we operate on now is broken. Rusted and corrupted by selfish politicians and bureaucrats. My father was well-intentioned, but he was wrong; this system cannot be repaired through any means. What we need is an upheaval, a new order to start from scratch. We must usurp the council.”

Councilor Vincent Layton’s eyes were opened so wide their shock almost managed to distract from his mouth, agape by a wide margin. He stammered for a moment, trying to think of something to say. “I-I… usurp the council? That’s unheard of! The Guild has ruled for thousands of years, and no one has ever even tried it! It’s foolhardy, insane!”

Before Layton could go further Darius reached forward with an arm and firmly grabbed Vincent’s shoulder, shaking him a bit. “It is extreme, but you must understand my position. You and I both saw the horrible state things are in. Forty percent of the galaxy is below the poverty line, Councilor Layton; I believe we have reached the threshold where extreme action becomes necessary! We have two highly trained mercenary companies whose sole goals are to guard resources and commit petty theft and, if they’re lucky, a hit every thirty years. Shouldn’t we use them to do what they were intended for, to act as a military extension of our clans’ wills?”
Layton shook his head and disbelief and stepped away from Darius, walking out to the window behind his desk. He stared out at the estate, the vast complex stretching out in every direction to the horizon. After what felt like an eternity of waiting, he turned around, his face solemn. “I don’t like admitting it, Darius, but you’re right. Something has to change, and in a society where change is brought about by murder, that may very well be our best shot. What would you suggest as our first course of action, partner?”

Layton walked back over to Darius, and confidently thrust out his hand. Darius took it and shook, the unsigned agreement been councilors sealed. “We begin with the other councilors, Vincent. Some are worthy of recruiting to our cause. But others must be dealt with swiftly, and without remorse. Can you do that?”

Layton smiled calmly at the suggestion. “You’re looking at the most skilled covert operations commander to be adopted into the clans in centuries. You’re asking me to play a child’s game. Who’s our target?”

“Targets, actually.” Darius corrected. Bill, who had been silent until now, stood and approached the pair with a data pad full of information on the various councilors. “My father’s treasure trove of information.” Darius explained to Layton. “I’ve used it to compile a list of the councilors that we could recruit, and those who need to be eliminated.”

“I assume Bargo’s the big target?” Layton asked, his chipper demeanor now subdued as he talked about more serious business.

“No.” Darius replied flatly. “Bargo may be greedy, but he is influential, and he has access to vital resources. We can buy him, and his influence will pull most of the other clan leaders toward us. There are only two that must be dealt with through force.”

Two pictures appeared on the data pad, one an old woman with beehive hair and a frail looking old man with a kindly smile.

“This must be a mistake.” Layton replied, staring in confusion at the old man’s picture. “Melissa Staunt is too stuck in the old ways to join us, I understand that, but what harm could Smitt possibly be to you?”

“It’s not him that bothers me, it’s his age.” Darius explained. “As the oldest member of the council, his age guarantees he won’t be long for this world. Even if we managed to get him on our side, it’s highly possible that he could die the very next morning and appoint an heir that just so happens to despise us, and has access to whatever we’d shared with his predecessor. It will be more beneficial if we kill him now, and replace him with someone more sympathetic to our efforts. I assume you know who I mean?”
“Oliver Smitt.” Bill interjected, cutting off Layton before he even had a chance to consider the question. On the data pad the picture of a young boy, barely even at the age of maturity, smiling goofily into the camera that had taken his photo. A short-cropped head of bright red hair greeted the viewer in a striking manner, and freckles dotted the boy’s face.

“The kid’s a dreamer.” Layton said to no one in particular as he examined the photo. “Always asking questions his tutors didn’t like to hear, from what I understand. Just the sort of idealist you’re looking for, partner.”

“Precisely.” Darius confirmed. “There is no need for you to make any more conjectures, Councilor Layton, for I already have it set up.”

The Amagai youth approached Layton’s desk and beckoned Bill, who pulled out a stack of papers full of information. While most civilians had moved on to the more convenient digital forms of information storage, the Guild had grown fond of old-fashioned paper, which was easy to protect due to the limited amount of copies, and easy to dispose of should it become irrelevant or compromised. These papers detailed a markedly elaborate plan to handle the assassination and coronation attempts.

Darius would make a solitary visit to Councilor Smitt that night on the pretense of acquainting himself with his fellow councilors. While there, he would shift the conversation to the choice of Smitt’s heir and attempt to influence him to pick Oliver, should he not already be chosen. After he left, the hit would begin. Two teams of mercenaries led by Bill and one of Layton’s men would storm the building, dressed in the armor of the Staunt’s Viper mercenaries (to be requisitioned by Layton’s men during the setup of the operation) and murder the eldest councilor. The overt nature of the mission, while flashy, served a deliberate purpose in that the false Vipers would be easy to recognize. This would sew distrust among the other councilors towards Melissa Staunt, undermining her own position and allowing Darius to recruit the young Oliver to his side. Layton looked over all of this in a sense of near awe.

“You’ve handled yourself well here, Darius. Your first assassination and you’ve already got a plan worthy of your father! Albus would have been so proud of you, boy, I just know it!”

Darius blushed a bit, embarrassed by the constant praises of Layton. “Thank you for the kind words, Councilor, but my father’s approval is of little concern to me right now. All that matters is carrying on his work to the best of my ability.”

Layton nodded and affirmed this, ensuring Darius that he understood what he meant. “So, when can we begin?” the elder man asked.
Darius nodded politely and walked to and out the door, followed closely by Bill. “We’ve already begun, Councilor.”

An Assassination Awry

Councilor Orville Smitt sat quietly in his office, dozens of sheets of paper scattered on his desk before him. He had been gone for one day to oversee the council assembly, and within that short absence thirty new reports were brought to him, half of which seemed to revolve around a particular businessman by the name of Finch, who had been making attempts to purchase large sections of Smitt clan territory, and had been spotted consulting with the Skunks, a low-brow gang that liked to call itself a mercenary company. All signs seemed to suggest that Finch was in the process of trying to usurp the Smitt clan as a member of the council.

Orville couldn’t help but look at his exploits in disappointment. He was clearly a determined man and worthy of respect, but such an affront to the Smitts could not stand. He drew a blank sheet of paper from a draw filled with them and quietly scribbled out an order, his shaky hand garbling a few of the words as it went.

“I, Councilor Orville Smitt, eldest member of the Guild Council, hereby decree that the upcoming businessman by the name of Christopher Finch is a traitor to his people, and I hereby give the order to Elysia Smitt, my head of security, to have him executed in a public showing, as per her request.”

With his other hand, Orville gingerly picked up a stamp, his own personal councilor’s seal. With a strong smack, he pressed it down into the paper, leaving behind its imprint. The stamp was of a beastly two-headed man with curly hair. The two faces appeared to be arguing with each other over something. Most councilors seemed to choose meaningful designs, but this design amused Orville so much as a young man that he chose it as his signature.

With the paper finished, he casually placed it in a bin to be collected by his secretary later on. For the moment, he was content to lean back in his leather chair and stare at his office. The walls were a pure white, the color of the clouds on a particularly sunny day. Bright-colored and frivolous art was scattered about the walls, and the rug was a soft eggshell color. No matter what others would tell him about it, Orville enjoyed the sense of purity that he felt looking at his room. While he could have gone on all day admiring it, a voice sounded on the intercom sitting on his desk.

“Councilor Smitt, you appear to have a guest.”

“Ah, send him in please.” the councilor replied in his usual voice; a mix of kindness and confusion. He looked up to see the doors open, revealing a strong and stern figure that he recognized from earlier that morning.

“Oh, Councilor Amagai! Please do come in and have a seat.”

Darius nodded graciously and sat down in a chair opposite the eldest councilor, looking at the room in a marveled expression. “It appears that you are rather bold in your design choices, Councilor Smitt.”

“Yes, I’m quite proud of it in fact.” Smitt replied, smiling warmly at the compliment. He leaned over and pointed at a painting sitting on a wall to Darius’ left. “That one there is an original from an artist back on Earth. Practically ancient, er, Picasso, I think his name was?”

“Interesting.” Darius replied. “But, wouldn’t something by him have crumbled to dust by now?”

“Oh, that’s just what you’d think, but not so.” Orville replied. “It was a spot of trouble, trying to keep it preserved; cost me a million, you know, just to get it in that vacuum-sealed frame. But it was very much worth it, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yes, it complements the color of the room nicely.” Darius responded. “Though, I feel I must get back to the reason I’ve arrived—“

“Oh yes, yes, tell me all about it Councilor.” replied Orville, leaning forward expectantly. Darius caught a full view of the councilor’s face, and realized how closely it resembled a turkey’s. From his large nose, to his large and blank eyes, and a smile that seemed to advertise cluelessness, the councilor’s appearance would have been comical on a lesser man.

“Well, I’m here to learn, you might say.” Darius replied. “My father, Albus, he kept me home for most of my life. I learned only a little of the outside world, and of the men and women he worked with, so I’ve decided to make it a little project of mine to come and visit each of you, and learn about who I’ll be working with.”

“That’s a splendid idea, absolutely wonderful!” Orville exclaimed. “Tell me, what would you like to know?”

Before Darius could specify any specific topic, Orville had begun to speak. The longer they were together, the more Darius was reminded of Councilor Layton.  Smitt spoke with a frenzied and erratic pace, making subtle hand gestures that complimented whatever odd situation he was speaking of at the time.

“Oh, where do I begin? Well, the Smitt clan is a very prestigious clan you should know, a cut above those other fools, if you understand my meaning. But we’re not proud, oh no indeed never! We are a humble clan, but that’s not to say we aren’t aware of our own achievements, no sir! We’re the innovators of the Guild, the ones that all others go to for new ideas; our structures are the absolute pinnacle of human achievement, and we’ve made it our goal to share them with all the others! Go to any planet for a thousand light years, and pick out a building. Is it bold? We made it! Is it unique? We made it! Is it sturdy, pleasing to the eye, and crafted with the precision of master? We MADE IT!”

Darius was a bit taken aback by the violent outburst at the end of Orville’s speech, but he did not let it show in his speech. “That is informative, and kind of you, Councilor Smitt, but I was hoping to know a bit more about yourself, and your own deeds.”

Realizing his error, the eldest councilor apologized and spoke more calmly, this time going on for much longer. He explained that, coming from a large home with seven siblings, he learned quickly how to perform as a shrewd businessman, exalting himself and making the others look like fools in comparison. Though it took years of hard work, he earned the title of heir to the clan, and when the day came he took his seat among the most prestigious in all of Guild space.

“That’s astounding, Councilor.” Darius said. He pulled out a data pad and began to write, the subject being a poem dedicated to a small lavender flower on Councilor Smitt’s desk. But as far as the other councilor knew, he was taking notes on his life story. “So, how long have you been in power, then?”

“Oh, longer than I care to count.” Smitt replied, nodding in a humble acceptance of the question. “Though, if I were forced to pick a number, I would probably say… one hundred. I have been in power for one hundred years, give or take a few.”

Darius forced a face of bewilderment, though he was certain that his father’s own notes had told him everything he needed to know about the man he was interviewing. “A full century, Councilor Smitt? I’d have never guessed. Please, tell me your secret, for I’ve never heard of a man that could live to be so old.”

The old man chortled at the compliment. “Oh, my, so many compliments from the young lad. Your father taught you well, Councilor Amagai, at least in etiquette. I suppose I may as well share my secret, I’m certainly too old to be affected by it. You see, on a far-away world, though I do not know the name, there is a rejuvenating spring of water that the natives called “La Madre”, the home of their Mother Spirit. Well, curiosity got the better of me, and I sent out a few of my men to bring back a bit of this water. They came back a full year later, with a single bottle of water, and I tell you boy it was beautiful. It seemed to glow with an amber light, and the room was warmed just by its presence. Now I couldn’t just let an opportunity like that pass me by, correct? I took a drink from the water, and its effects were positively magical! My vitality was increased tenfold, it seemed, and it certainly extended my lifespan by a considerable deal, as I’m sitting here before you as we speak.”

Darius could only let his jaw drop a little in response. His mind was fascinated by what sort of culture lived on this planet, and whether he could study them. But the business sense that his father had instilled with him wrested control, and at once all he could think of was the worms deep in the crust of Heaven’s Gate. The fluid they left behind, diluted with the water from that spring… the possibilities were awe-inspiring. He leaned forward and stared at the Councilor intently. “Sir, I beg your pardon, but do you have any of that water left? I would love to see it for myself.”

“Alas, Councilor Amagai, I do not.” Orville responded with a dejected sigh. “When I first tasted that water, I was filled with greed, a basic need and desire for all of that water that I could drink. There was not a drop left in that bottle when I was finished with it.”

“I see.” Darius whispered. He turned back and looked at the Councilor in a colder expression than before. “Without that water then, your age must be catching up with you. You’ve probably thought long and hard about an heir, then?”

“Oh, indeed, Councilor Amagai, indeed.” Orville said, nodding rapidly in agreement. “For years I’ve contemplated who would take my place as head of the Smitt clan, and just this morning I think I’ve decided.”

“Really?” Darius asked, intrigued. “Might I ask you whom you have chosen?”

“Indeed.” Orville said, beaming. “I have chosen my great-granddaughter, Jule Smitt.”

“Damn.” Darius thought to himself. “Why would he choose her? She is nothing like him, cold and ruthless, a war hawk if ever there was one.”

His response out loud was more diplomatic. “That is an interesting choice Councilor Smitt, and might I say an odd one. Are you sure there is no one who would be better suited for advancing your clan?”

“You mean Oliver, yes?” Orville asked his younger companion. “He is a good boy, and one day he will lead our clan to glory, I’m sure of it. But when I die, it’s going to be difficult times. The clans will likely break out in violence trying to usurp my clan’s place as the most prestigious. Jule is a strong girl, and she has a level head for warfare. She is the sort of leadership we will need in those times. Oliver has good ideas, but for times of peace and not war.”

Darius scowled, though not in a way so noticeable that Orville could see it. The eldest councilor was quite obviously set in his decision, and Darius was certain that he could do little to convince him otherwise. He needed to think of another plan to make Oliver the heir.  As he pondered, his eyes seemed to move of their own volition, slowly drifting towards a small object on Councilor Smitt’s desk: his stamp. That stamp was all the proof Darius needed to make a forged document worthy of recognition by the council. His conscience revolted at the thought, every word of his father’s teachings clearly setting themselves against such a dishonorable act. To kill a councilor was to show them respect, to show them they were a threat worth acting against. But to steal their own personal possessions, especially something as valuable as their personal stamp, was a crime no other councilor would even consider. They viewed as something so despicable that even their worst crimes paled in comparison to it.

To Darius’ own relief, he was not like the other councilors. “Councilor Smitt, could you look outside the window, and tell me what you see?”

Councilor Smitt stood up and walked over to the large window behind him, staring out at the world below. He never heard, or otherwise noticed Darius pocketing his prized stamp, nor the crinkling of the bill he snatched.

Below him, through that window, was Garrison, the largest city in all of the Galactic Commerce Guild’s space. His own palatial mansion sat at the top of a mountain range that cut through the middle of the city, the rocks standing as tall as Mount Aconcagua, the largest mountain on Earth after a devastating asteroid impact flattened much of Asia. Even then, the tallest buildings came to eye level, their tallest floors at an elevation level with his own. The city was clustered with buildings of this height, their magnificent marble-esque architecture reaching to skies above. For nearly forty kilometers in all directions the city stretched, gradually sloping downward in height until the edges of the town were indicated by luxurious suburbs, where one and two-story homes dotted the lush, green landscape. While other clans had homeworlds rich in resources, and were forced to mar the landscape as they harvested them, the Smitt’s capital of Purity had no vital resources of its own that warranted destroying its strikingly beautiful landscape. Instead, they harvested building resources from Purity’s moon, and the other planets within their territory, and focused them all on turning Purity into the most beautiful planet in the galaxy. Many would say they had succeeded, as the city was nearly uniform in its pristine white color, and with a nearly omnipresent police force in the form of the Smitt’s mercenaries its crime record was nearly as spotless.

“I see greatness, Councilor Amagai.” Orville said. “I see a city full of potential, a true metropolis, devoid of the sin that plagues our civilization. I see a vision of the future, one that could be brought about under my leadership. But, as it is, I see a hope that shall never come. Your father was a good man, Councilor Amagai, and as such I feel you are worthy enough to tell you, my hope shall likely never come. Under better circumstances, my great-grandnephew Oliver might be able to continue, even expand this age of prosperity. But the wars that will surely come shall tear us to shreds under his leadership; that is why I pass the torch to Jule, so that in the future that vision I have seen might rise from our ashes.” He took a deep breath, and stared for a moment longer. He turned to face Darius and said, “I hate to be a bother Councilor Amagai, but I feel I need to spend some time alone. I hate to cut our talk short, but we must end for today.”

“It is no trouble at all, Councilor Smitt, and it has been a pleasure speaking with you.” replied Darius, with a bow. He turned and swiftly walked from the room, fingering the objects he had stolen. A few short minutes later, and the Coucilor was on a shuttle flying away from the palace. He flew only a short distance, over the nearest peak, to a camp that had been set up. He landed amongst a collection of tattered tents, where his mercenary team had set up. Behind them, the bright blue sun of their system was beginning to set, splashing the sky in an array of colors. Against this backdrop Darius exited the vehicle, being greeted by Bill and Councilor Layton, to whom he handed the stolen items. After a moment of confused looks, he explained all that had happened during the interview while they moved to another tent.

By the end of it, Layton was nodding in an assured manner. “That was a very smart move, my boy; gotta remember that not every plan goes the way you want it to.”

“Still,” the young councilor complained. “I feel that I should have seen an outcome like this coming. Councilor Smitt is an intelligent man, and Oliver is not the first choice one would make without the knowledge we have. But what’s done is done, are you ready Bill?”

Bill saluted his councilor, and shouted “As good as we can get, sir! Plan’s already set up, me an’ your Badgers are gonna swoop in from the roof, cut off the shuttle so Smitt can’t run. Chuck’s gonna bring up his team right through the front door, and rush Smitt’s office.”

“Very good.” Darius responded, commending the mercenary. “Meanwhile, Layton and I will get to work on making a new document, marking Oliver as the chosen heir of the Smitt clan. It’s almost sunset, Bill, you and your men had best be moving.”

Bill saluted his friend once more, and rushed off to gather his men, their golden Viper armor shining in the bright rays of the setting sun. Darius sat down at a table with Layton and smoothed out the crinkled sheet of paper he had stolen. It appeared to be some sort of bill ordering a man’s execution. “Lucky him.” Darius muttered to his companion, who responded with a chuckle. They pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and a fountain pen in the style of Smitt’s, and began to carefully write out a document in the format used for the appointment of heirs.
 
I wrote this because Dame asked me to.

An Ugly Paw​
“Mrow.”

“Shutup Fluffles! I’m busy.”

‘Ugh, Fluffles. I hate that ****in’ name. My master is a dimwitted retard. Hey! Asswipe! I need some ****in’ food here!’

“Mrow….mrow.”

“Fluffles! - STFU noob! - I’ve almost hit level 80 with my Dranei Pally, and I can’t have any distractions.”

‘This game again?’

“MROW!”

“Do you wanna go out or something? I swear to freakin’ god… I’m gonna ****ing… – Guys, I’ll brb. Gotta let my cat out. – Come on Fluffles.”

Fluffles trotted along behind his master, his annoyance only evident in his thoughts.

‘Curse my unexpressive face…’

Fluffles’ master opened up the front door for him, quickly kicking the screen behind it open. Once the cat had leisurely walked out, he slammed the door and bolted back up the stairs. Looking around lazily, the cat hopped up along the stone edge of the garden in the apartment complex.

The black cat walked with an arrogant swagger, his tail raised up, head held high and yellow eyes giving off a piercing gaze that would cause even a hawk to falter in its swoop. He navigated the curving path, looking down at a baby in its carriage as its mother pushed it past, ignoring the black cat.

‘Maybe I should jump into the carriage, just for ****s and giggles….nah, I’d probably be smeared all over the news and put down. My hair is just not having a good enough day to be in the papers, or dying for that matter.’

He continued along on his leisurely walk until he reached the double lampposts at the end, both unlighted due to the sun’s tendency to stay in the sky for a long time during the summer.

‘The landlord is freakin’ obsessed with symmetry I guess. The flowers are identical…ah well. Everyone that uses two legs for walking is crazy anyway.’

“ACH! ****ing cat! Get the hell out of here!”
Fluffles nimbly avoided a rolled up newspaper coming down near his rump and turned to look at his attacker. The man was tall, but morbidly obese. He was wearing a wife-beater three sizes too small for him, and his jeans looked ready to burst. Sweat coated his forehead and shirt, causing his misshapen man-boobs and nipples to be shown for the world to see. He was also bald, Fluffles noticed, and disgustingly hairy.

‘That’s it, I’m getting the hell out of here.’

Ignoring the man’s yells, Fluffles hopped off the ledge, landing on his feet as usual, and took off on a run out of the gates of the complex and around the corner.

HONNNNNK!

Fluffles bolted out of the street as a green van careened past him. A red muscle car followed, along with a silver four-seater and a motorcycle. The traffic continued along as Fluffles shook away the shock and strolled along the sidewalk.

His walk was quite easy, he came across a few humans, one of whom violently pet him until he squirmed away from her. He had to restrain himself from biting her, considering she was so small and he wasn’t ready to die just yet. He continued along until he came across an alleyway that called out to him.

“Yo!”

Fluffles looked around. “Who said that?”

“In the alley man, get the **** over here.”

“Uhm…”

“Come on man!”

Shrugging, Fluffles walked into the alleyway. Halfway down it, a large tabby came out from behind a garbage can.

“The **** you doin’ in my territory?”

“You just told me t-“

“I know what I ****in’ told you to do! I mean why the **** you walkin’ round like you own da place? You’re a ****in’ housecat, one o’ dem pampered ****s who thinks they have control over everything.”

A police officer strolled by the alleyway, hearing quite a few ‘Mrows’ as he walked.

“****! It’s da po-po! Take cover man! Take cover!”

Fluffles watched the tabby with feigned interest.

“They’re not worried about you, human police don’t give a **** unless you cause trouble with humans.”

“Man, I’m more worried bout dem po-lice cats. Some gang o’ cats dat think dey can bring justice, but dey really just corrupt ****ahs who attack just bout anything.”

“Oh real-“

“What in the **** is going on in here? A drug deal? GET EM BOYS!”

“Dats what I’m talkin’ bout man…”

The tabby bolted down the opposite way from the voice. Fluffles barely had time to turn around and register the three muscly looking cats behind him before two rammed into him.

“There we go.”

The voice of the third, presumably the leader, was gruff and had a hint of experience and a ‘do-whatever-I-say’ sound behind it.

The two cats kept Fluffles pinned as the cat strolled up to Fluffles.

“At least we caught one o’ them drug dealers. Stinkin’ up my streets are ye?” The cat spit just to the right of Fluffles’ face. “Have fun boys.” The cat swagged off.

The two remaining cats retreated off of Fluffles, but began scratching as soon as he rose. The attack was ruthless, left claw, right claw, left claw, right claw. Fluffles cringed at the attacks, his hair beginning to get matted and bloody. After a minute of the bloody attacks, he managed to push off one of the attackers.

Rolling to his left, away from the other cat, he brought up his claws. His master had always neglected to trim them, and they were deadly tools. He sharpened them out of boredom sometimes, never thinking they’d ever be handy.

“Oh-hoh Tommah, looks like we got a fighter ‘ere.”

The cat leaped at Fluffles, who took a blind swipe at the approaching figure. The claw hit something; there was a screech, and then a thud. Fluffles opened his eyes and saw a gigantic gash along the stomach of the cat that had leaped at him. The other cat looked on in dumbstruck amazement, then bolted around the corner and out of the alleyway.

Fluffles wrapped up in the trash can the tabby had left behind, thinking.

‘I…I just killed another one of my own kind….what…what kind of cat am I? How could I do this? Ho-…how is it possible for me to have done that? I mean…I did it in self defense…but the only court in the whole area is probably theirs…****.’

Fluffles curled up inside the trash barrel, shivering from hunger and the cold. It was the third day of neglect from his master, plus the killing and travel had left him tired as hell. Thunder blasted overhead as ran began pattering the barrel.

‘****ing great…’

Fluffles stayed in the barrel for two days, afraid to leave and still in shock. He heard some cats searching the area, presumably for him, but they failed to notice him in the barrel. He was also getting hungry.

‘Maybe I could eat that corp- WHAT THE **** AM I THINKING?!’

Shivering again, Fluffles peered out of the barrel. A cat was standing guard at the alleyway, but quickly ran away.

‘Shiiiiiit.’

Fear overtook him and he began biting his nails. After an hour, he was down to the paw on one.

‘That’s disgusting. How can my body even…I don’t wanna know.’

Unconsciously, he began biting at the nail again, until he suddenly felt a severe pain. He looked at his paw and saw it wasn’t there.

‘What the-did I jus-OH **** NO! I ate my goddamn paw! How did I not notice that?!’

“What do we ‘ave ‘ere? Looks like a murderer cat.”

‘AH ****! It hurts like a *****…and those goddamn cop cats are back…’

“I’m coming out!”

“Good, come quietly.”

Fluffles began forward, but tripped forward as he tried putting pressure on his missing paw. Stumbling blindly through the pain, he got up and limped forward using three legs. He eventually dragged himself out of the barrel.

“What the ****? He’s missing a paw…eh, doesn’t matter. Get him boys!”

Fluffles looked at his lost paw, then at the five advancing cats, then blacked out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Fluffles?”

Fluffles opened his eyes. The first thing he did was look at his paw. It was wrapped in bandages.

“FLUFFLES! Thank god you’re alive! I thought I’d lost you. I swear, from now on I’ll never ignore you ever again!”

‘Ugh, this guy again?’


Opinions?
 
Didn't realize how cheesy my writing was two years ago:

      Here I am, sitting alone under the stary skies of this still summer night, alone. The dead of night is dawning, and the sounds of crickets playing their dreary tone have started to grow louder, like a crowd of people in a mosh pit during a solo. It wasn’t very long ago when the latter was a common scene in my life. I used to be living the life of a rocker, touring, shredding, and living every day like there was no tomorrow. However, every blissful beginning has a depressing ending. My name is Jackson, former lead guitarist of the band Tormented Heaven, and this is where my story starts.
     
        It was a cold, winter’s night and I had been up all night composing my band’s first song. After a year of playing covers of Led Zeppelin and Iron Maiden in peoples’ garages for block parties, we decided it was time to move ahead. I called the other members up to meet so we could collaborate and try out my new song; Darien the bassist, Spike the drummer, and Brent the singer. Surprisingly, they were already gathered in Spike’s garage, so I journeyed over there to see why they were meeting. “Ahoy thar me hearties! Wha’ are ye landlubbers doin’ gatherin ‘round this ‘ere scoundrel’s cabin?” I mightily shouted upon my arrival. These days I was in my pirate phase and was totally convinced I was one myself. “Look here Jackson,” Brent piped up in a positive tone, “we were thinking about progressing the band, and well, we made some decisions which-“            “What ol’ Brent is trying to say, we found a better guitarist for your spot,” Spike said blandly. “ We are sick of your horrendous pirate accent, 20 minute guitar solos, insistence on getting everyone to wear bandannas, and stage dives during the minor gigs. You are out.”“Arrr! Wha’ are ye talking’ about boy? I am teh cap’n of this ‘ere band. You cannot give me teh flogging!”  “Jack…..err….Cap’n Jack, look at me. Right now we are going nowhere. Your antics are piratey lyrics are not what this band needs. I am sorry,” Darien stated with a hint of sorrow in his voice.
     
          And with this last note, I ran away, far away, through the rolling green of the hills and darkness of the forests. I ran until I could run no longer and collapsed in a vacant meadow. Everywhere, I was surrounded by the awe-inspiring colors of the daffodils, poppies, Queen Ann’s lace, and the tall grasses. Birds were soaring through the bright blue skies and the clouds sauntered by in their various, random formations. At this moment in time, I felt happiness for once in the past week, but this is not the end to the story. I could not get over the grief my so-called friends caused me, so I started up an addiction to sunflower seeds to suppress my unease. I knew I had to form up another band to show up my old one…

        After going back wandering through the lonely forest of oak and pines for a while, I sat down for a while to think of the situation which rests at hand. I had a very little amount of money which I had made from the band because most had been spent on CDs, and now, the sunflower seeds which I am addicted to. There was nothing I could do to obtain money on my own since both parents had tragically died in an awe-inspiring thunderstorm which had raged with an eerie, flowing grace to it as it swept up signs, debris, and knocked down trees onto houses in the climax of the deluge. Sadly, as I was frozen in the shock of the beauty of the terrifying storm from the parlor window in the house, my parents were just driving back from the store when suddenly as they were pulling into the driveway, the great cedar tree in our front yard collapsed and fell onto it before they could escape. This, combined with the melancholy feeling I was having from being dismissed from the band, had been further putting me into depression, which is why I would go to the forest to just be alone, away from it all, where I could just let my emotions rip from inside of me. Yet suddenly, on this here day, I gathered the broken fragments which make up my mind together, and thought. I needed money for more instruments, amps, and band members since my old band had taken all of what I had, and I knew just what to do.

          Ambling through the forest during this brisk summer night, I made my way into the city. Upon arrival, I had to pass through one of the slums. I had never been to one before, but thought nothing of it since my mind wanted to believe they were not as band as T.V. and movies have described them. I could not believe my eyes when I entered the midst of it. People, sickly looking, were huddled around an empty oil drum, which had a fire burning in it, in their tattered clothing, While it was still summer, the nights still were fairly bitter some days, and this was no exception. The glass in the windows of the stuffy brick apartments, which were too closely placed together, were broken into thousands of shards, most of which were lying at the floor of the cracked sidewalks. In addition to this, the apartments looked like they had never been washed since they were constructed 50 years ago. Horrified by the reality of the sight, I hastened my pace towards my destination, the local casino, a place which has ruined thousands of lives, but I strongly believed it would not happen to me…

          As I walked through the streets of the silent city, orange-tinted by the color of the fading streetlights, I admired the architecture of the grandiose skyscrapers, awed by sight of such an incredible creation of man. Lost in my amazement, I was almost hit by a lone car which out during the soundless night. “Look where you are going punk!” the infuriated man screamed in frenzy. “Aye, cap’n. ‘Idn’t see ye thar! Pardon me ‘ol sea-doggy self,” I courteously answered back with my annoyingly horrific pirate accent. The shock awakened me from my trance, and I made way over to the casino. At this point, you are probably wondering why I would go to such a money sinkhole. At this point in my life, my mind was twisted from confusion and poisoned from the deadly affect of the addicting sunflower seeds. I had no friends or family to turn to for help and no possible way to get a job to raise money for the instruments I craved. A casino was the only hope I had left at this point.

          I entered into the casino, dazzled by the whirling lights and the noise from the slots. Tempted to spend a few dollars there, I turned away, holding back my desires, and focused on what I really came here to do, the poker tables. My friends and I used to get together and play a few hands of poker, mainly Texas Hold ‘Em, just for sport. I was always a fairly decent player, and was an exception bluffer. I thought to myself, how much different could this be? So there, I sat at a table all night long, betting, bluffing, and sweating. I was losing. I never realized how difficult, how much different, playing poker in the real world was than with my family and friends. I had brought all my money and my hopes with me, and both were thinning fast. Soon, I was forced into using my last resort, going all in. I had a pair of aces on the flop. I decided it was enough and went all in, drawing equal bets from 2 other players. This was the chance I needed to redeem myself and walk away with some cash in my pocket. I prayed to God, I prayed to the saints, I prayed to my dead parents, I prayed to whoever was out there. I subconsciously crossed myself and desperately awaited the outcome of the hand. I was so anxious; I almost passed out from a combination of being weary and overly excited. The river card was turned, the other players revealed their cards, and I peered over to see if I won. I did not.

        Everything was lost. I ran out of the casino and collapsed in the road in front. I broke down and was weeping extensively. I almost could not breathe. There was a mix of emotions in my head, I wanted to scream, I wanted to rip the hair from my head, and I wanted to die. But then I came to realization. I was a wreck, I had no money, I was actually not a pirate after all, and yet, I was still here, alive. What a better chance to start over, reconstruct my life, and put the past behind me.
Maybe it was God who visited me on that night, or maybe it was just my willpower which let me overcome the situation. I had learned one of life’s may lessons. Every day is a new day, and every day has countless windows of opportunity. My days as a rocker were far from over, but I had to first find a new living. And I tomorrow, I thought to myself, is a new day.
 
I'll mail myself the two stories I wrote for school. Amateuristic, but hey I'm only 15 and its not like I put a lot of effort in the stories.
 
I have covered many, many miles in search of inner truth, only to find that beyond the seductive veil of empty hope and promises lies but an empty shell, void of any defining quality. When truth is finally revealed, who then can behold the world's illusion as it once was manifest to the naked eye? I trembled as all my virtues turn to dust and vanity, leaving but shadows of delusion to briskly wander past halls of tainted glory. Their ever so elusive grandeur for which I many a time had reached, now dwindle like doomed mirages in a desert of dying dreams.   
 
This is the prologue to a book I'm currently writing. The narrative is more paced and a bit less descriptive, but the atmosphere is pretty similar and I'd like some criticism, praises, insults or ritual sacrifices about it.

Hope you're hungry for ham and cheese.
Prologue: Gathering Pawns

No man had ever laid claim to Ausungoth, the northern castle of the gods. It had stood over countless empires, resting atop a mountain of many names. When its towering might was not hidden by the clouds clinging to its walls, the castle appeared to shimmer with an opalescent light. No doors or windows broke its perfectly smooth surface. Not a single of its stones was unevenly cut, not a single of its numerous towers had lost its shine. For thousands of years, scholars had pondered its mysteries, kings had sought its hidden access and poets had speculated upon its origins. It was of an odd design, never quite in fashion, never quite alien to the most recent popular taste. It had resisted the abuse of tools, the fury of earthquakes and the passing of time, and its walls of lore were being cut open by a farmer with a glimmering sword.

Eastwards, in the lands of the shiaries were found the entrances to the world under, which the locals called Hensikura. Tunnels of cut stone giving way to rough paths of soil, then, deep below, cut stone again. Signs of an ancient civilisation or natural wonder, none could know. Its deepest secrets would cast a light upon the shadow of its nature, but no one had ever survived the expedition. Creatures of nature and magic waited in the darkness, and the torches of explorers died to hide millenary traps and unforgiving ambushes. Its labyrinthine paths invited prospective intruders to reach just one more corner, and always one more. The curious would look back and despair as they’d recognize no exit. The cautious would run as the infinite tunnels smothered their patience. The courageous would cry as they’d lose themselves in this maddening maze. Yet this one boy would advance without fear, seemingly guided as he was by a glimmering sword.

The southern countries had their share of legends. The arid plains had given birth to the proud vasalan nation, master scouts and enduring dwellers of the desert. But even the best of their wayfarers dared not cross the borders of the Shavira plateau. The iron sand of Shavira rolled in deadly storms, swallowing whole caravans in its depths and ripping soft flesh into crimson ribbons. Decrepit towers stood here and there, slim and tall figures against the blinding horizon. Their existence suggested that the plateau had not always been so inhospitable, but its current state allowed no life to strive. By day, Shavira was engulfed in invisible flames, the heat of the sun reflected by the unnatural sand. By night, it would freeze over, covering the desert with thin layers of frost. By morning, the frost was gone, and not a drop of water was to be found. Except in this man’s gourd, who calmed the storms and called water by brandishing a glimmering sword.

The south-western seas were known for their tumultuous nature. Well established maps of the strongest currents and most common maelstroms pools made travel possible, if adventurous captains were willing to test their crew’s mettle. However, there existed an inner sea, called Tsaïral’s bowl, which no captain would approach. The terrifying creatures said to dwell under the water were an afterthought in the mind of those who knew of the bowl’s treacherous nature. Waves would form and charge any ship that disturbed the surface, as if driven by will. Whirlpools would appear, rage and quickly die, only to rise again a few meters away, trying to swallow the intruders. In the center of the bowl rested a floating island, a construct of sorcery and machinery. Enclosed in walls of tempest, the island bore a structure, not unlike an abbey, that had kept its bounty from greedy hands since times unknown. Thousands of wooden carcasses, ships broken by the roiled water, had found their way to the foot of this island. And yet a small ship was closing in, seemingly protected by an old man striking left and right, breaking the waves without touching them by swinging a glimmering sword.

They knew nothing of each other and yet their lives were bonded. Each had received a sword, a mission and a promise. For a suitable reward, they would go and use the power of their gift to bring back another sword like it. They had only simple descriptions of their tasks, yet each of them knew just what to do. A felling of urgency had thrust them forward and continued to keep them focused. As they each stepped further into the dangerous and the unknown, they felt more and more importance, as if their quest was a noble one, as if they were the heroes of old. Had they known what they were doing, who they were serving, then they might have thought differently. The man waiting for them behind fortified walls was not a noble king. He was a man of cunning and cruelty. He had called himself Alexander, a collector of ancient relics.

Alexander had invited each man to his castle to discuss business. He had shown himself to be quite honest, telling the four the reasons of their audience. He had seen in each of them something he called the mark of the Firstborn, which allowed them to wield the hidden magic of ancient swords. Their blood held the power to use the unique powers of every weapon, powers that had been explained without artifices. The first man, a farmer born to an ancestry of farmers, had been promised riches and had been given Vatanil, the Straight Path. The sword could cut through any stone, no matter how hard. He was told to climb to Ausungoth and use the sword to enter the castle and retrieve the sword it protected. The second man was barely eighteen, ambitious and of great vigour. He had been promised glory if he accomplished his task. He was given Joryn, the Explorer. As long as he wielded the sword, no trap would hurt him, no creature would notice him and no maze would capture him. He was to walk through Hensikura, advancing east until he found a buried citadel hiding another sword. The third man, an aging vasalan, was promised access to the knowledge of his ancestors. He would reach the greatest tower of the Shavira plateau, an ancient library. Wielding Asundaria, the Shelter, which protected him from the fury of nature and procured him food and water, he was to enter the library and take the blade kept inside. Finally, Alexander had given command of a ship to the fourth man, an old captain disgraced by younger explorers. He was promised control of a great fleet, and was sent over the sea. Using Heraltar, the Seafarer, he would calm the worst tempest and send back any ship-breaking wave. Reaching the island of Tsaïral’s bowl, he’d enter the abbey and bring back the sword it guarded.

When asked about the locations of the swords, Alexander was once again frank, telling his hired men that these places hid the tombs of Firstborns, ancient men of great power who once wielded those blades. Knowing the danger of such power falling into the wrong hands, they were entombed with the swords in remote locations, specially chosen to be reachable only with the help of other swords. He then sent them on their way and congratulated himself for his cunning. He had shown them his own sword to accentuate his descriptions, and in doing so had submitted the four to the power of Daer-Valon, the Lord. Daer-Valon was one of the greatest, most dangerous swords the Firstborn had crafted. It held the power to inspire great loyalty to its wielder in those who gazed upon its polished surface. You see, the Firstborn were held as the ultimate triumph of personal valour over social pressure and were touted to be absolutely in synergy with their peers, their world and their own souls. While it is true that the Firstborn had a great understanding of all things mystic and spiritual, they were nonetheless… human. During their long existences, each of them grew prouder, more imbued of himself. Although they were usually well-intentioned, not two of them were in accord over how to go about making the world a better place and everyone thought their ideas were the right ones. Daer-Valon was made to be the mean through which the greatest Firstborns would unite their brothers. Instead of that, the sword caused their downfall. It was the first sword to be discovered by man. It passed from hand to hand, always leading its wielder to greatness. But those who know of its power inevitably covet it, and so, when Alexander managed to take hold of it, he made sure that all those who were aware of its secret were either killed or enslaved to his will. By the time he sent the four men, he had held the sword longer than any man before him.  Like many before him, he had a plan. He wanted to gather the thirty swords of the Firstborn and use their combined power to claim control over all of creation.  He wanted to reshape the world. He wanted to create everlasting peace.
 
Wrote this, still WIP, its a part of the prologue for my forum game.

1938: Germany and Italy sign a non-aggression pact. Unofficially a military alliance is also signed between these two nations. Japan is included in the pact at a later date.

The Soviet Union goes through a series of minority uprisings in Belarus, Ukraine and other areas of the union. Unofficial records suspect the Axis to be behind the sudden rise in nationalism.

In response to the non-aggression pact between Germany and Italy, Great Britain and France sign a pact of their own. The United States are also invited to sign the pact, but no response is ever given.

1939: A shift but bloody civil war erupts in Sweden and Denmark, with the national socialist parties in both countries attempting to take control of the government. The population is strongly supporting the revolutionaries, but the army supports the old government. The conflict ends quickly, when the revolutionaries accuire large amounts of weaponry, and the armed forces of both nations is soon annihilated. Unofficial sources and news reporters report of the revolutionaries using large amounts of German weaponry, even a German made tank has been photographed in Stockholm during the final phases of the revolution.

Inspired by the success of their comrades, nationalists in other countries, such as France, Great Britain and Finland attempt to take over the government in series of small and failed attempts.

The United States is in complete darkness. No contact has been made the the Americans for a year now, and every ship or plane trying to enter the continent is never heard of again. Canadian refugees sail to Britain and Ireland in large merchant fleets, yet upon their arrival they are all diagnosed with coma. Scientists and medical experts can come up with no reasonable reasons for this.

1940: Without warning, Italy starts sweeping through their eastern neighbours. All resistance is annihilated, and the effeciency of the Italian Armed Forces comes as a surprise to everyone. Italian soldiers gain the nickname of "Legionaires", because of their lack of fear or self-preservation instinct.

France and Great Britain declare war on Italy. The Italians attack southern France, but their advance is stopped by the newly built Maginot-line. War in South-France becomes trench warfare. Meanwhile in Africa and Middle-East, the Italians have minor success in their assaults towards Cairo and Tunis. Their advance is slowed by the mobile tank units of both France and Great Britain, and the Italian navy is no match for Great Britains.

Denmark and Sweden join Germany after a national vote. Both Finland and Norway declare neutrality from any coming wars. Spain, Portugal, Switzerland, Greece and many others follow their example, including Belgium and the Netherlands.

The unrest in Soviet Union finally ceases, but millions of civilians and thousands of soldiers lost their lives during the conflict. In the end nothing was accomplished.

The first of the Canadian refugees dies. The doctors can not find out what killed him, but prior to his death the doctors say he started talking, but in a language not spoken by any of the working personnel. Soon he started bleeding from his nose, after which he turned pale in seconds, and his heart stopped beating.
 
I would post stories individually, but that would just piss everyone right off due to its absurd length, so here's a link to my deviantart.

http://cj1145.deviantart.com/gallery/

All 8 chapters, soon to be 9, are up there. Any comments here or there are appreciated. I'll never improve if no one tells me what I'm doing wrong.
 
I've been writing this. Feel free to point out any grammatical errors.

Arrows whistled past Keith’s ears as he rode his horse as hard as he could.

- “I’m sorry, old friend”, he said, caressing the horse’s neck.

The men were right behind them, two knights and a mounted archer. Another arrow whistled past his ear. He could not take his own bow and shoot back at this speed, so he just lowered his body on the horse as much as he could.

“Almost there”, he thought, he could see the trees already.

He let out a breath of relief as the grassy field came to an end and he entered the forest and the protection it gave against arrows. From there, it did not take long before he lost the men.

As soon as he was sure they were lost behind him, he ran for clearing to rendezvous with Cyric.

The boy glanced up from the campfire he was making.

“Have you lit the other one?”, asked Keith.

The boy nodded.

“Good. Now take Hero and ride back to the village. Water, feed and brush him, he’s exhausted.”, he said, after he reached into the saddlebag and took a bundle of grey cloth.

The boy glared.

“Don’t give me that look. You can’t fight. Now scoot! I’ll light this one.” Said Keith

Keith lit the fire as Cyric rode fast to the village.

As he looked to the sky, he saw another column of smoke coming from the clearing where Cyric had lit the other fire.

It was a plan he had devised after the last time he ranged. They had been three rangers then. Will and Bryce had been killed then. And Evan before that. They had been ten rangers, once. Now it was him and Cyric, the twelve year old he was training. Cyric was not quite a Ranger yet. Not by a long shot. His riding skills were quite good, and he was the best tracker in the village, better than Keith, even, though he hadn’t told that to the lad.

But his shooting was short of decent and, worst of all, he was mute. The boy did not utter a word the entire time they had known each other. They wouldn’t even train the boy if Keith and Will had not vouched for him.


Keith unfolded the grey bundle with all care in the world. Its contents were simply a rope. Since Keith had lost his sword in the last ranging and had no means to replace it, he crafted a makeshift weapon by grinding glass and sticking it to a hempen rope with pitch. The rope was the main reason they had devised the diversion trap – By lighting two fires, he hoped to divide the riders in order to take them unawares. If he couldn’t use the rope, it might as well be the death of him, since besides his rope; he only had his bow, half a quiver of arrows and his skinning knife.

“So now we wait”, he thought, uncoiling the rope.
 
kiarj 说:
This is the prologue to a book I'm currently writing. The narrative is more paced and a bit less descriptive, but the atmosphere is pretty similar and I'd like some criticism, praises, insults or ritual sacrifices about it.

Hope you're hungry for ham and cheese.
Prologue: Gathering Pawns

No man had ever laid claim to Ausungoth, the northern castle of the gods. It had stood over countless empires, resting atop a mountain of many names. When its towering might was not hidden by the clouds clinging to its walls, the castle appeared to shimmer with an opalescent light. No doors or windows broke its perfectly smooth surface. Not a single of its stones was unevenly cut, not a single of its numerous towers had lost its shine. For thousands of years, scholars had pondered its mysteries, kings had sought its hidden access and poets had speculated upon its origins. It was of an odd design, never quite in fashion, never quite alien to the most recent popular taste. It had resisted the abuse of tools, the fury of earthquakes and the passing of time, and its walls of lore were being cut open by a farmer with a glimmering sword.

Eastwards, in the lands of the shiaries were found the entrances to the world under, which the locals called Hensikura. Tunnels of cut stone giving way to rough paths of soil, then, deep below, cut stone again. Signs of an ancient civilisation or natural wonder, none could know. Its deepest secrets would cast a light upon the shadow of its nature, but no one had ever survived the expedition. Creatures of nature and magic waited in the darkness, and the torches of explorers died to hide millenary traps and unforgiving ambushes. Its labyrinthine paths invited prospective intruders to reach just one more corner, and always one more. The curious would look back and despair as they’d recognize no exit. The cautious would run as the infinite tunnels smothered their patience. The courageous would cry as they’d lose themselves in this maddening maze. Yet this one boy would advance without fear, seemingly guided as he was by a glimmering sword.

The southern countries had their share of legends. The arid plains had given birth to the proud vasalan nation, master scouts and enduring dwellers of the desert. But even the best of their wayfarers dared not cross the borders of the Shavira plateau. The iron sand of Shavira rolled in deadly storms, swallowing whole caravans in its depths and ripping soft flesh into crimson ribbons. Decrepit towers stood here and there, slim and tall figures against the blinding horizon. Their existence suggested that the plateau had not always been so inhospitable, but its current state allowed no life to strive. By day, Shavira was engulfed in invisible flames, the heat of the sun reflected by the unnatural sand. By night, it would freeze over, covering the desert with thin layers of frost. By morning, the frost was gone, and not a drop of water was to be found. Except in this man’s gourd, who calmed the storms and called water by brandishing a glimmering sword.

The south-western seas were known for their tumultuous nature. Well established maps of the strongest currents and most common maelstroms pools made travel possible, if adventurous captains were willing to test their crew’s mettle. However, there existed an inner sea, called Tsaïral’s bowl, which no captain would approach. The terrifying creatures said to dwell under the water were an afterthought in the mind of those who knew of the bowl’s treacherous nature. Waves would form and charge any ship that disturbed the surface, as if driven by will. Whirlpools would appear, rage and quickly die, only to rise again a few meters away, trying to swallow the intruders. In the center of the bowl rested a floating island, a construct of sorcery and machinery. Enclosed in walls of tempest, the island bore a structure, not unlike an abbey, that had kept its bounty from greedy hands since times unknown. Thousands of wooden carcasses, ships broken by the roiled water, had found their way to the foot of this island. And yet a small ship was closing in, seemingly protected by an old man striking left and right, breaking the waves without touching them by swinging a glimmering sword.

They knew nothing of each other and yet their lives were bonded. Each had received a sword, a mission and a promise. For a suitable reward, they would go and use the power of their gift to bring back another sword like it. They had only simple descriptions of their tasks, yet each of them knew just what to do. A felling of urgency had thrust them forward and continued to keep them focused. As they each stepped further into the dangerous and the unknown, they felt more and more importance, as if their quest was a noble one, as if they were the heroes of old. Had they known what they were doing, who they were serving, then they might have thought differently. The man waiting for them behind fortified walls was not a noble king. He was a man of cunning and cruelty. He had called himself Alexander, a collector of ancient relics.

Alexander had invited each man to his castle to discuss business. He had shown himself to be quite honest, telling the four the reasons of their audience. He had seen in each of them something he called the mark of the Firstborn, which allowed them to wield the hidden magic of ancient swords. Their blood held the power to use the unique powers of every weapon, powers that had been explained without artifices. The first man, a farmer born to an ancestry of farmers, had been promised riches and had been given Vatanil, the Straight Path. The sword could cut through any stone, no matter how hard. He was told to climb to Ausungoth and use the sword to enter the castle and retrieve the sword it protected. The second man was barely eighteen, ambitious and of great vigour. He had been promised glory if he accomplished his task. He was given Joryn, the Explorer. As long as he wielded the sword, no trap would hurt him, no creature would notice him and no maze would capture him. He was to walk through Hensikura, advancing east until he found a buried citadel hiding another sword. The third man, an aging vasalan, was promised access to the knowledge of his ancestors. He would reach the greatest tower of the Shavira plateau, an ancient library. Wielding Asundaria, the Shelter, which protected him from the fury of nature and procured him food and water, he was to enter the library and take the blade kept inside. Finally, Alexander had given command of a ship to the fourth man, an old captain disgraced by younger explorers. He was promised control of a great fleet, and was sent over the sea. Using Heraltar, the Seafarer, he would calm the worst tempest and send back any ship-breaking wave. Reaching the island of Tsaïral’s bowl, he’d enter the abbey and bring back the sword it guarded.

When asked about the locations of the swords, Alexander was once again frank, telling his hired men that these places hid the tombs of Firstborns, ancient men of great power who once wielded those blades. Knowing the danger of such power falling into the wrong hands, they were entombed with the swords in remote locations, specially chosen to be reachable only with the help of other swords. He then sent them on their way and congratulated himself for his cunning. He had shown them his own sword to accentuate his descriptions, and in doing so had submitted the four to the power of Daer-Valon, the Lord. Daer-Valon was one of the greatest, most dangerous swords the Firstborn had crafted. It held the power to inspire great loyalty to its wielder in those who gazed upon its polished surface. You see, the Firstborn were held as the ultimate triumph of personal valour over social pressure and were touted to be absolutely in synergy with their peers, their world and their own souls. While it is true that the Firstborn had a great understanding of all things mystic and spiritual, they were nonetheless… human. During their long existences, each of them grew prouder, more imbued of himself. Although they were usually well-intentioned, not two of them were in accord over how to go about making the world a better place and everyone thought their ideas were the right ones. Daer-Valon was made to be the mean through which the greatest Firstborns would unite their brothers. Instead of that, the sword caused their downfall. It was the first sword to be discovered by man. It passed from hand to hand, always leading its wielder to greatness. But those who know of its power inevitably covet it, and so, when Alexander managed to take hold of it, he made sure that all those who were aware of its secret were either killed or enslaved to his will. By the time he sent the four men, he had held the sword longer than any man before him.  Like many before him, he had a plan. He wanted to gather the thirty swords of the Firstborn and use their combined power to claim control over all of creation.  He wanted to reshape the world. He wanted to create everlasting peace.

Too much tell, not enough show. Essentially blocks of text describing a world nobody cares about yet. If you need to set the scene, set it from the point of view of a character, 'cos launching into a huge description of meaningless places is the fastest way to bore your audience.
 
Wolfhead 说:
I've been writing this. Feel free to point out any grammatical errors.

The second part.

The spear knight was the first to notice the smoke; the mounted archer soon noticed the other column. The swordsman knight motioned for the archer and the spearman to go to the right, while he went alone to the one on the left. He pointed at the war horn the archer was wearing, and then at the one on his own belt. The archer nodded.

After they went their separate ways, the archer motioned for the spearman to follow him and they rode along slowly watching for any signs of the enemy. As they approached the clearing, they heard a noise.

They stopped, and the archer motioned for the spearman to take point.

He was the first to go.

As the rope constricted around his neck, the archer let go of his bow and tugged at his throat, where the glass was shredding his skin and flesh to pieces while the rope strangled him. After a brief moment, he was dead.

Hearing the commotion, the spearman turned around to face the assaulting party, only to see his mount take an arrow in the eye. The horse stood on his hind legs and fell, trapping his leg underneath it, still in the stirrup. He saw the horn and crawled from under the horse to reach it. He almost did it, but an arrow pierced his hand, nailing it to the ground. As he swiftly took it from below the archer’s swinging corpse where it fell, he felt a sharp pain in the back of the neck as another arrow pierced his neck from back to throat, nailing it to the ground as well.

The swordsman knight heard the horse’s neigh and rode fast to reach his friends, but his horse tripped on a rope and fell, breaking its leg. The knight rose, his had flying to his blade, but another blade flew to his throat before he could draw it.

- “Let’s all settle down, shall we?” – Keith said in his ear. – “Unbuckle your sword belt.”

He did as he was told. Sword and belt fell to the ground.

- “Good”. - Keith said – “Now if you tell me how many soldiers are coming this way and where they are, I may let you live”.
- “**** you” – The knight spit – “I don’t care if you kill me. My brothers will burn this pigsty to the ground”.

Keith slit his throat.

- “Damn shame”, – He said as he cleaned and sheathed his skinning knife – “I would’ve let you live, too”.

He examined the bodies briefly. The swordsman and the archer looked seasoned, but the spearman was just a frightened boy of sixteen, maybe eighteen.

“I suppose it’s another stain on my conscience” – He said, bitterly, while he kicked the swordsman’s body – “Damn you bastards. You’re recruiting again.”

He slit the throat of  the Knight’s horse, as there was no more he could do for the beast. His bone was showing through his broken leg.

He took the knight’s sword for himself, and the archer’s horse, bow and arrows, and a long dagger from the spearman, but he left their armor and the spear alone. He and Cyrc would come back here later to loot the body, provided they weren’t looted in the meantime.
 
Pharaoh Llandy 说:
I don't think anybody would particularly appreciate seeing 2x 250k word novels up here, nor the large quantities of fanfiction, or the random ramblings of my mind. Suffice it to say, my fanfic stories are over on fanfcition.net and my fiction + poetry is over on fictionpress for anybody bored enough to read them, and everything else I've written stays firmly in the realm of me + my proof readers.
What's your FF.net account name anyway?
 
AK47 说:
Pharaoh Llandy 说:
I don't think anybody would particularly appreciate seeing 2x 250k word novels up here, nor the large quantities of fanfiction, or the random ramblings of my mind. Suffice it to say, my fanfic stories are over on fanfcition.net and my fiction + poetry is over on fictionpress for anybody bored enough to read them, and everything else I've written stays firmly in the realm of me + my proof readers.
What's your FF.net account name anyway?

Llandaryn for both fanfiction.net and fictionpress.com -- I haven't added anything to fictionpress in ages though, other than some haiku I wrote for a short uni course I did last year.
 
Pharaoh Llandy 说:
kiarj 说:
This is the prologue to a book I'm currently writing. The narrative is more paced and a bit less descriptive, but the atmosphere is pretty similar and I'd like some criticism, praises, insults or ritual sacrifices about it.

Hope you're hungry for ham and cheese.
Prologue: Gathering Pawns

No man had ever laid claim to Ausungoth, the northern castle of the gods. It had stood over countless empires, resting atop a mountain of many names. When its towering might was not hidden by the clouds clinging to its walls, the castle appeared to shimmer with an opalescent light. No doors or windows broke its perfectly smooth surface. Not a single of its stones was unevenly cut, not a single of its numerous towers had lost its shine. For thousands of years, scholars had pondered its mysteries, kings had sought its hidden access and poets had speculated upon its origins. It was of an odd design, never quite in fashion, never quite alien to the most recent popular taste. It had resisted the abuse of tools, the fury of earthquakes and the passing of time, and its walls of lore were being cut open by a farmer with a glimmering sword.

Eastwards, in the lands of the shiaries were found the entrances to the world under, which the locals called Hensikura. Tunnels of cut stone giving way to rough paths of soil, then, deep below, cut stone again. Signs of an ancient civilisation or natural wonder, none could know. Its deepest secrets would cast a light upon the shadow of its nature, but no one had ever survived the expedition. Creatures of nature and magic waited in the darkness, and the torches of explorers died to hide millenary traps and unforgiving ambushes. Its labyrinthine paths invited prospective intruders to reach just one more corner, and always one more. The curious would look back and despair as they’d recognize no exit. The cautious would run as the infinite tunnels smothered their patience. The courageous would cry as they’d lose themselves in this maddening maze. Yet this one boy would advance without fear, seemingly guided as he was by a glimmering sword.

The southern countries had their share of legends. The arid plains had given birth to the proud vasalan nation, master scouts and enduring dwellers of the desert. But even the best of their wayfarers dared not cross the borders of the Shavira plateau. The iron sand of Shavira rolled in deadly storms, swallowing whole caravans in its depths and ripping soft flesh into crimson ribbons. Decrepit towers stood here and there, slim and tall figures against the blinding horizon. Their existence suggested that the plateau had not always been so inhospitable, but its current state allowed no life to strive. By day, Shavira was engulfed in invisible flames, the heat of the sun reflected by the unnatural sand. By night, it would freeze over, covering the desert with thin layers of frost. By morning, the frost was gone, and not a drop of water was to be found. Except in this man’s gourd, who calmed the storms and called water by brandishing a glimmering sword.

The south-western seas were known for their tumultuous nature. Well established maps of the strongest currents and most common maelstroms pools made travel possible, if adventurous captains were willing to test their crew’s mettle. However, there existed an inner sea, called Tsaïral’s bowl, which no captain would approach. The terrifying creatures said to dwell under the water were an afterthought in the mind of those who knew of the bowl’s treacherous nature. Waves would form and charge any ship that disturbed the surface, as if driven by will. Whirlpools would appear, rage and quickly die, only to rise again a few meters away, trying to swallow the intruders. In the center of the bowl rested a floating island, a construct of sorcery and machinery. Enclosed in walls of tempest, the island bore a structure, not unlike an abbey, that had kept its bounty from greedy hands since times unknown. Thousands of wooden carcasses, ships broken by the roiled water, had found their way to the foot of this island. And yet a small ship was closing in, seemingly protected by an old man striking left and right, breaking the waves without touching them by swinging a glimmering sword.

They knew nothing of each other and yet their lives were bonded. Each had received a sword, a mission and a promise. For a suitable reward, they would go and use the power of their gift to bring back another sword like it. They had only simple descriptions of their tasks, yet each of them knew just what to do. A felling of urgency had thrust them forward and continued to keep them focused. As they each stepped further into the dangerous and the unknown, they felt more and more importance, as if their quest was a noble one, as if they were the heroes of old. Had they known what they were doing, who they were serving, then they might have thought differently. The man waiting for them behind fortified walls was not a noble king. He was a man of cunning and cruelty. He had called himself Alexander, a collector of ancient relics.

Alexander had invited each man to his castle to discuss business. He had shown himself to be quite honest, telling the four the reasons of their audience. He had seen in each of them something he called the mark of the Firstborn, which allowed them to wield the hidden magic of ancient swords. Their blood held the power to use the unique powers of every weapon, powers that had been explained without artifices. The first man, a farmer born to an ancestry of farmers, had been promised riches and had been given Vatanil, the Straight Path. The sword could cut through any stone, no matter how hard. He was told to climb to Ausungoth and use the sword to enter the castle and retrieve the sword it protected. The second man was barely eighteen, ambitious and of great vigour. He had been promised glory if he accomplished his task. He was given Joryn, the Explorer. As long as he wielded the sword, no trap would hurt him, no creature would notice him and no maze would capture him. He was to walk through Hensikura, advancing east until he found a buried citadel hiding another sword. The third man, an aging vasalan, was promised access to the knowledge of his ancestors. He would reach the greatest tower of the Shavira plateau, an ancient library. Wielding Asundaria, the Shelter, which protected him from the fury of nature and procured him food and water, he was to enter the library and take the blade kept inside. Finally, Alexander had given command of a ship to the fourth man, an old captain disgraced by younger explorers. He was promised control of a great fleet, and was sent over the sea. Using Heraltar, the Seafarer, he would calm the worst tempest and send back any ship-breaking wave. Reaching the island of Tsaïral’s bowl, he’d enter the abbey and bring back the sword it guarded.

When asked about the locations of the swords, Alexander was once again frank, telling his hired men that these places hid the tombs of Firstborns, ancient men of great power who once wielded those blades. Knowing the danger of such power falling into the wrong hands, they were entombed with the swords in remote locations, specially chosen to be reachable only with the help of other swords. He then sent them on their way and congratulated himself for his cunning. He had shown them his own sword to accentuate his descriptions, and in doing so had submitted the four to the power of Daer-Valon, the Lord. Daer-Valon was one of the greatest, most dangerous swords the Firstborn had crafted. It held the power to inspire great loyalty to its wielder in those who gazed upon its polished surface. You see, the Firstborn were held as the ultimate triumph of personal valour over social pressure and were touted to be absolutely in synergy with their peers, their world and their own souls. While it is true that the Firstborn had a great understanding of all things mystic and spiritual, they were nonetheless… human. During their long existences, each of them grew prouder, more imbued of himself. Although they were usually well-intentioned, not two of them were in accord over how to go about making the world a better place and everyone thought their ideas were the right ones. Daer-Valon was made to be the mean through which the greatest Firstborns would unite their brothers. Instead of that, the sword caused their downfall. It was the first sword to be discovered by man. It passed from hand to hand, always leading its wielder to greatness. But those who know of its power inevitably covet it, and so, when Alexander managed to take hold of it, he made sure that all those who were aware of its secret were either killed or enslaved to his will. By the time he sent the four men, he had held the sword longer than any man before him.  Like many before him, he had a plan. He wanted to gather the thirty swords of the Firstborn and use their combined power to claim control over all of creation.  He wanted to reshape the world. He wanted to create everlasting peace.

Too much tell, not enough show. Essentially blocks of text describing a world nobody cares about yet. If you need to set the scene, set it from the point of view of a character, 'cos launching into a huge description of meaningless places is the fastest way to bore your audience.

Thanks for the comment. Here, have a piece for comparison;

“Where is that blasted piece of steel?” Like every morning for the past few weeks, the old mage was rummaging through his luggage, looking for his razor. Of course, he wouldn’t find it, since he had forgotten in on the table of a run-down tavern a good while ago. “Ah! Damn it all! I’ll just shave tomorrow!” he said, throwing his dirty mirror back into his bag. With a sigh, he sat down on the bed he had rented for the night, trying to remember what he had planned for the day. He knew roughly where he was going, who he was looking for, but had a tendency to temporarily forget his immediate concerns. Grumbling in his weeks-old beard, he took out a small piece of crystal from one of the many pockets on his robe. This bead was his most prized possession and one of the only two things of value he carried. He gazed into the ball and, for a few minutes, stood still as he tried to focus on the task at hand. A village appeared to his eyes, then a barn, and then a boy. Sixteen or seventeen, the boy was tall, in good health and of fair appearance. He was lounging in a stack of fresh hay, the dawning sun throwing a shine of gold upon his face. The mage nodded as he remembered: “Ah! Yes, this is the boy. Well! I’d better get to the road then. I’m almost there.” Stretching his tired body, he grabbed his things and headed out the door. As he walked down the inn’s stairs, he flung a sheathed sword across his back and covered it with his travelling bag. With a hasty greeting to the innkeeper, he went outside and filled his lungs with the fresh morning air. “This will be a warm autumn.” He said, as he began to walk. He tightened his grip on his walking staff and added in a breath: “Let’s just hope it is not our last.”

The village of Defaestus was a quiet one. Founded near a large creek of saltwater, it maintained a good influx of income due to its rich soils and living waters. Fishermen and farmers there led existences more closely resembling those of merchants and artisans rather than the scrounging fights for survival that their unlucky counterparts called lives in the other parts of Garessia. Nicolas had lived there all his years, and he was now old enough to think about leaving the household to start his own family. There were few girls he considered interesting enough to marry, fewer still he considered worthy of lifelong devotion, but he was not one to shun tradition by refusing to take a spouse. As he opened his eyes and yawned, he gently pushed aside the girl resting upon his shoulder. Maybe, one day, she would be the one to live with him and bear him strong, proud children, but he didn’t feel quite like striking a conversation with her today. Shaking off the straw in his hair, he left the barn and walked at a brisk pace towards his home. He had never gone to bed hungry and couldn’t suffer the pain of hunger for more than a few minutes before it’d ruin his mood. Grabbing whatever food he could find laying on the table’s plates, he went and sat on his father’s chair before the fireplace. Lost in thoughts, he barely heard his mother enter the house. “Nicolas?” she let out, a tone of stern urgency in her voice: “Go help your father in the fields, boy. He’s been toiling alone like a slave for a good two hours, now.” She dropped a basket of fresh apples on the counter and came to see him. “You’ve been sleeping late again, Nicolas. You know we count on your help to get ready for winter, don’t you?” He lifted his gaze off the dancing flames and answered: “I know, mother. But I was trying to squeeze in a few more moments of peace before I went working the fields.” “Oh, that’s all right.” She said. “Just make sure to go out there before the fields freeze over!” She grabbed another basket and headed out the door. Nicolas sighed, sinking deeper in the chair. Truly, this life was not worthy of him. A good few minutes later, he finally got up and slinked out, heading towards his father’s fields with all the enthusiasm of a very dead snail. It was a bright, colourful day. The fields were fat and full, the forests were lit with a soft white shine and the roads were dry and flat. It had taken longer than usual for Nicolas to escape his duties, faking an injury after a few hours of work. He was now sitting in the shade of a tree, thinking deeply about his future. He wanted out of this small, closed world. He wanted out of this quiet, frugal life. But most of all, he wanted out of those responsibilities. It was always the same. Do this, Nicolas, or do that, Nicolas! Everyone kept telling him how to lead his life. He had enough. He wanted out. Though he didn’t know it, his wish was about to be realized, as an old man walked in the village, striding wearily towards the nearest inn.

“Greetings! Welcome to the Northern Flagon!” the innkeeper touted over his shoulder as he heard the door shut. He turned around and invited the old man to sit. “Oh! An elder such as you oughtn’t to travel alone! Where’s the rest of you peddlers?” he asked, bringing about a glass of freshly drawn water. “I travel alone.” answered Frederick, the old mage: “But not for long, don’t worry. I came here to meet a young relative of mine.” The bartender leaned over his counter, speaking slowly and with unnecessary emphasis: “I might be able to help! Who’re you looking for?” Frederick pinched his lips and lost himself in thought for a moment. “He’s a young boy. He should be about seventeen now. He’s very, very blond…  A bit like corn. I forgot his name; you’ll have to forgive an old man his memory.” The bartender let out a friendly laugh: “Don’t worry! Most of the elders I know couldn’t even remember their own name! But I’d need a better portrait than what you’ve just given me to help you, though. Half the boys in this town are blond as corn!”

That's part of the first chapter.
 
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