New book.

[Lord Tristan]

I am writing a new book, and I need a second opinion on how it is going, this is only a half page so no one copies it. Now people, I need your brutally honest opinion.


The Fate of a Kingdom

  Niccolo’s body flinched every time the arrow hit it’s mark, watching with rapt attention as the hooded bowman shot arrow after arrow into the target, each one hitting an area that would disable an opponent. Niccolo looked more closely at the man, taking in each feature. The archers eyes, set stern with focus, yet having trace of amusement left behind by many laughs and jokes. His slight stubble, which looked like it was carefully shaved. But most of all, the ease of which he pulled back the bowstring, which Niccolo remembered many archers pulling it back with much more difficulty.
  By now, Niccolo’s body had adjusted to the rhythmic twang and pounding of the arrow, but suddenly it stopped, and he sat up abruptly causing the branch to stir under him. The archer had been walking to retrieve his arrows from the target, but now stood still, listening with every fiber of his being. Niccolo slowed his breathing and did not move as he feared what the archer would do if he was discovered. The archer moved on, retrieved the arrows, and started to walk back.
  He barely had time to react as the figure moved and fired an arrow into the branch under him. Niccolo flailed as he fell backwards with fright. A grunt escaped him as he hit the ground, and was shocked when a bolstering laugh broke out from the man. A hand reached out to help him up. Niccolo hesitated, but took it, and clamored to his feet. He was surprised that he only came up to the man’s chest.
  “Are you okay, lad? I only meant to give you a little scare.” A large smile filled the man’s face, and Niccolo

 

[Austupaio]

The Fate of a Kingdom Kinda cliche.

  Niccolo’s body flinched every time the arrow hit it’s mark, watching with rapt attention as the hooded bowman shot arrow after arrow into the target, each one hitting an area that would disable an opponent. Niccolo looked more closely at the man, taking in each feature. 'looked more closely' is awkward. Simply 'looked closely' is less redundant. The archers eyes, set stern with focus, yet having trace of amusement left behind by many laughs and jokes. Generally it's best if the sentence is still complete after removing the comma'd area. 'The archers eyes yet having trace of amusement' doesn't work. You also need an apostrophe in 'archer's' and it needs to be 'traces of amusement' or 'a trace of amusement'. His slight stubble, which looked like it was carefully shaved. Needless comma, somewhat incomplete sentence. But most of all, the ease of which he pulled back the bowstring, which Niccolo remembered many archers pulling it back with much more difficulty. You can start a sentence with 'but', however for a a piece of literature, it's best not to.
  By now, Niccolo’s body had adjusted to the rhythmic twang and pounding of the arrow, but suddenly it stopped, and he sat up abruptly causing the branch to stir under him. The archer had been walking to retrieve his arrows from the target, but now stood still, listening with every fiber of his being. So many commas. Niccolo slowed his breathing and did not move as he feared what the archer would do if he was discovered. The archer moved on, retrieved the arrows, and started to walk back.  Commas before and are fine, I use them myself, but you use quite quite a few. It'd be best to leave it off.
  He barely had time to react as the figure moved and fired an arrow into the branch under him. Niccolo flailed as he fell backwards with fright. A grunt escaped him as he hit the ground, and was shocked when a bolstering laugh broke out from the man. A hand reached out to help him up. Niccolo hesitated, but took it, and clamored to his feet. He was surprised that he only came up to the man’s chest.
  “Are you okay, lad? I only meant to give you a little scare.” A large smile filled the man’s face, and Niccolo

Also, maybe it's just the scene but it kind of reads like a romance novel. I'd have to read another excerpt to be sure if that's a pattern.

 

[Lord Tristan]

I have tried to do many books, and when I try to make it last it always turns out short because I never go into detail. I am trying that now. Pretty much the summary is:

Niccolo, a young man who has had no talent all his life, is now entrusted by the king to carry out assignments no one else would dare to try. When paired up with a man who has a knack with a bow and skills in subterfuge, his life will change forever. Lies will become the truth, and even allies turn out to be enemies...

All i can get in at short notice. Wanted to type it fast. i would go over it more, but I am too tired... also the reason the title is cliche.

Edit: For the "Romance Novel" part, it's just the introduction of one of the main characters, I want people to picture the the archer. Also, Niccolo is around 15, so obviously he will look up to someone... Kinda like that whole "Rangers apprentice" series will Will and Halt.

 

[Pharaoh Llandy]

I am writing a new book, and I need a second opinion on how it is going, this is only a half page so no one copies it. Now people, I need your brutally honest opinion.

隐藏

The Fate of a Kingdom

  Niccolo’s body flinched every time the arrow hit it’s mark, watching with rapt attention as the hooded bowman shot arrow after arrow into the target, each one hitting an area that would disable an opponent. Niccolo looked more closely at the man, taking in each feature. The archers eyes, set stern with focus, yet having trace of amusement left behind by many laughs and jokes. His slight stubble, which looked like it was carefully shaved. But most of all, the ease of which he pulled back the bowstring, which Niccolo remembered many archers pulling it back with much more difficulty.
  By now, Niccolo’s body had adjusted to the rhythmic twang and pounding of the arrow, but suddenly it stopped, and he sat up abruptly causing the branch to stir under him. The archer had been walking to retrieve his arrows from the target, but now stood still, listening with every fiber of his being. Niccolo slowed his breathing and did not move as he feared what the archer would do if he was discovered. The archer moved on, retrieved the arrows, and started to walk back.
  He barely had time to react as the figure moved and fired an arrow into the branch under him. Niccolo flailed as he fell backwards with fright. A grunt escaped him as he hit the ground, and was shocked when a bolstering laugh broke out from the man. A hand reached out to help him up. Niccolo hesitated, but took it, and clamored to his feet. He was surprised that he only came up to the man’s chest.
  “Are you okay, lad? I only meant to give you a little scare.” A large smile filled the man’s face, and Niccolo

Is English your first language? If not, you should stick with writing in your native language, because you've made too many mistakes in the translation. If English is your first language, you should probably at the very least get a book about grammar and usage, and spend some time familiariasing yourself with it before tackling a full length story. Not that you can't learn and write at the same time, but you'll be going back to the beginning a lot to correct typos/grammar mistakes. I have highlighted some of the most glaringly obvious mistakes in your passage with explanations below.

This sentence structure is illogical and makes little sense. Something like "Niccolo watched with rapt attention as the hooded bowman shot arrow after arrow into the target, each one hitting an area that would disable a human opponent. 

To continue:

Niccolo looked more closely at the man, taking in each feature. The archers eyes, set stern with focus, yet having trace of amusement left behind by many laughs and jokes. His slight stubble, which looked like it was carefully shaved. But most of all, the ease of which he pulled back the bowstring, which Niccolo remembered many archers pulling it back with much more difficulty.

"Archer's", not "archers"

The eyes -- how far away is Niccolo? I'm having it that he's a good 20 or 30 paces away, at least. He would not see laughter lines at the eyes at this distance.

This sentence does not make sense:  "But most of all, the ease of..." 

Why "But most of all" ? Was Niccolo looking at it most of all? Or was it that this was more noticeable than everything else? The following sentence is likewise poorly defined. It needs to be tighter, less rambling.



This makes it sound like his body stopped, not the twanging of the bow string. You can't make Niccoli's body the subject and then describe an action belonging to something else.

You don't make it clear enough who "he" is.

I'm guessing by the use of "clamored" rather than "clamoured" that you're either from the US or translating into US English. Either way, I don't think you know what "clamoured" means. It has nothing to do with movement, it is a word that describes a loud sound, or a succession of loud sounds. Maybe you're thinking of "clambered".

This are the basic spelling, grammar and syntax mistakes, but only the ones which are glaringly obvious. I'm not gonna go through your paragraphs with a fine toothed comb, there would be no point.

The only other comment I can make is that your story so far contains far too much tell and not enough show. It's a common mistake, to write a lot of "he said, she said, he did this, she did that" but basically all you're doing is telling your audience what the characters are doing and saying. Rather, you should try to show, through good use of language and characterisation, what your characters are doing. It will make for a much more natural, and interesting, read.

I would recommend you get yourself to some online writing site and sign up, that way you can get feedback from other aspiring writers. Though if they're anything like fictionpress, you'll have to give a lot of reviews to get a lot of reviews, and a lot of the time the reviews won't be constructive, mostly people saying stuff like "Cool story, keep writing" etc.