July 19, 354
Journal of Ansen Almost-Monk
Yet another fey mood possesses our fearless madwoman-leader... One moment she is walking along with the rest of us headed vaguely toward Avendor and the next she has stopped cold in her tracks. We grind to a halt, wondering what she is up to. She quickly glances around at us seeming to become almost immediately confused. I shook my head an rolled my eyes, 'here we go again...' I thought to myself, beginning to wonder why exactly I chose this life instead of one in a monastery; at least there I would know the signs of possession instead of seeing what I suspect as such in the woman that we have all trusted with our lives for whatever reason.
As she began to reorder us, constantly either muttering or shouting "Best immortals to the fore then worst blades then bows!" I looked around and wondered what on earth we were all doing out in the borderlands of the Fierdsvain shuffling about to this woman's commands when clearly we were all much safer and probably could have been much richer somewhere else. Somewhat to my dismay, however, I found myself to be at the very front of her reorganized battle order. She said something about that ensuring me experience and the best of loot. Although I was - and am - concerned that this new position actually means I'll simply get killed first, I could clearly see that her response would simply be 'No, you're fine' or something similar.
With what has become the typical bewilderment, our captain set about trying to understand the decisions she herself had made days and weeks before, throwing her hands up in the air at that apparent nonsense that was our baggage, exclaiming at one point "Why do we have 18 packages of food and 9 useless bits of loot?! I haven't the space for this!" Many of us nodded, long-confused at the mass of goods we were lugging around. After tearing through that she then inspected about 7 of us with great scrutiny and in a few places demanded we change what weapons we are using. She seemed especially flabbergasted at Sir Rayne and the fact that he did not seem to be using a ranged weapon of any type. When she had completed that she stared at the 7 of us and pointed, shaking her finger and seeming to speak but not a word coming out. However, I feel quite sure she was telling us that some of us might be going home but she'd have to check when we got into town...
With the monthly hullabaloo out of the way - this time occurring in the field on the contested border with our enemies - we set out again. As we settled into our new marching order I hung and shook my head. There I rediscovered why I was out here on this lunatic quest: That pert ass. "Oh, yeah!" I laughed to myself, remembering. It's a good thing my chuckle took my head up and back for when it came back down and I opened my eyes she had stopped and was glaring suspiciously at me.
"Were you staring at m-"
"No, of course not!" I stammered quickly, my good mood fading not at all since - now at the front of the battle order - I would likely spend the rest of my days following her backside happily. It made no never mind at all that I could never touch her, I still felt fulfilled. It was in that moment that I fully realized the three most important features of my commander: 1) She is possessed and every 20-30 days (could it have to do with the moon or some female reaction to it?) some new demon with an altogether different style and organization takes up control, 2) Despite these change-overs there are consistencies in her behavior that lead me to believe that the woman herself and her fractured mind, self-limitations are the attractive factors to these demons, and 3) she has a magical ass; do not stare directly at it or by the time you realize it has turned away from you she will likely have something pointy buried in you; though come to think of it, I've seen her do no such harm to anyone staring at that glorious rump...
Hours later we were in the besieged Avendor, our newly revitalized madwoman's first destination so that she could quickly sell all of our prisoners, the extra gear she had collected and then been mad that she collected, and strip then cast out poor Sir Rayne with whom I had no quarrel but apparently others did. Almost immediately a very large portion of the riches just acquired were spent on a new bow and war hammer for our fearless heiny who then immediately told us to wait for her while she "acquainted herself with herself in the arena." Of course we all followed her to the arena after a few moments of tempting confusion.
It seems like no time at all passed before she emerged but I know we watched her down more than 100 opponents and take the grand prize of 2000 denars once. If I may be so bold, her errors all seemed to come when she exercised an over-reliance on her fantastic speed, trusting herself to be able to leap backwards as enemies swung and then quickly hit them upside the head with a long staff, her apparent weapon of choice. The problem came when they quickly swung again on the same side that she was attacking from and she couldn't stop her swing to block in time. Also, those cursedly fast 1 handed swords with their quick stab seemed to cause her a world of trouble.
Once outside the arena she again adjusted the party's equipment by selecting for herself that new bow and passing her old one down. It seems that while battling in the ring she learned a thing or two and became a stronger archer because of it. She seemed not to notice at all that all 49 of us had been watching the spectacle and cheering her on. What she did seem to focus on, however, was the layout of the town and the D'Shar army outside. I became distinctly nervous when she told us all to get some rest while it was still morning and went off with the captain of the guard to view the enemy from the ramparts. Most of the men also suspected insanity and promptly went to go get drunk. I was sorely tempted to join them but my new position at the head of the battle order made my hand shake too much to hold a mug, I was quite sure.
July 20, 354
Journal of Ansen Almost-Monk
With the break of the dawn our lord and lady Sweet Ass received summons from Jarl Bjorn Farstrider, marshal of the Fierdsvain, who had arrived to the west in the night. We hurried out and my fears of being over-run in Avendor for the sake of 'shiny new bow' practice were completely dismissed as I saw the might of the Fierdsvain army before us. Yes, the enemy were many but we were many more. A tremendous sense of pride filled me to be part of such a massive strength and I could see the same was true for many others in the party. We had started as a rabble lead by a madwoman, boozing from place to place and battering down what bandits we saw there. Now that woman has pledged allegiance to Koningur Valdis and we, the Green Horde, are prospering, we are coming for our enemies and those too weak to hold their lands! Huzzah!
Of course, when in the service of a maniac such glorious moments are entirely fleeting. After checking in with Farstrider to the northwest we immediately proceeded back to the southeast where, much to my horror, we attacked the very first D'Shar lord we could find. The signal went up and I could see the southern and eastern horizons come alive with angry D'Shar rushing in to kill the mere 50 of us. I didn't even bother to consider running for my life. Our madwoman leader was jumping and shouting, screaming and wailing behind us, all while waving a huge glaive in the air. We slowed our approach and then I heard the most wonderful sound in the world: Fierdsvain war horns answering the D'Shar drums. The music they made was almost lovely but I couldn't concentrate on it for the whipped up lunatic with the polearm behind me.
Our allies massed and overtook us, charging in to end the siege of Avendor in the grass a mere half mile beyond its walls. We may have begun the fight but we certainly were not the first to engage in it. I dare say that our glorious heiny kept us toward the back of the field although we acquitted ourselves well there. The occasional horseman would charge us but they were inevitably met by that wicked glaive and though we did our best to kill the invaders, her Heiny-ness (Hein-ous? Heiness?) often beat us to it. She bagged around 12 kills and stayed with us for two attacks before an arrow smashed her to the ground. From there we were on our own and fared significantly worse in the ranks of the massed Fierdsvain but we were winning.
Each muster I rallied with her Heiness' troops and each muster there were fewer of us but still plenty of allied soldiers so we barely noticed. On the field I did the best I could but stuck close to the better warriors, watched their backs, even might have killed a few men. Over and over we prepared, charged, fought, pulled back and never once did I wonder at my luck at surviving. My head was in a different place, a place where there is no fear, only the task at hand: stick with the veterans, watch their backs. When it was over I was actually surprised. No man stood to face us and axes waved in the air in victorious celebration. I couldn't comprehend what was happening and was vaguely disappointed.
As we walked back to our make-shift hospitals I found the conditions appalling. I began to help out wherever I could but a legionnaire in my same employ directed me in no uncertain terms that we take care of our own first and escorted me to the area where my lady and her cut down comrades lay. I worked quickly and diligently, dressing countless wounds. When finally I was done I realized that I was absolutely exhausted and collapsed on the spot.
When I awoke I found her Heiness was up and around and had, for her daring attack on the unprepared flank of the enemy, been awarded an astounding haul of prisoners: no less than 10 captured D'Shar lords were now in our care along with 30 more highly prized warriors from the south. Our Lady of the Crazy, although still severely injured, whipped the 38 survivors of our party to their feet and we immediately drug our prisoner train larger than ourselves to Avendor where she slipped into the tavern and emerged with several thousand denars and a happy smile. We unhooked the common soldiers and one lord, letting them be taken away with the Red Brotherhood goons that had come out to meet us. Apparently that one lord's ransom had been arranged almost immediately upon the news of his capture. I also noticed that her Heiness now carried a new and very fast-looking axe. Considering what I had seen in the battle I immediately understood that she intended it for close-in combat where her long but slow glaive would be useless.
Our burden of prisoners severely reduced and our hearts light with massive victory, no one complained when we set out again immediately to rejoin the army.