M&B Comedy Club

[Lord Barrett]

That's right folks, it's open mic night at King Harlaus's Comedy Cabana! Step right up and tell your own jokes about anything in Calradia!

Admittedly, most of these will probably be groaners at best, but lets give it a shot anyway! I suppose keep them single-player related for forum appropriateness. I won't begrudge a multiplayer joke or 3 though. I'll start things off.

You know you're been in Caladria too long when...
1. You judge how violent things are by the frequency of Harlaus's parties! He only throws them during war, amirite?
2. You get complements on how your noggin sits on your torso in thick accents.
3. You consider a girl to be good looking if she wears anything other than a hat.
4. The Mongols (Khergits) can't conquer anything.
5. You most look forward to getting a wife so you can have feasts.
6. You start calling people damn dirty Vaegirs as an insult.

How do you tell the difference between one of Harlaus's parties and a funeral? There is none, the corpses still don't move!

How many Nords does it take to screw in a lightbulb?    Just one, but he breaks it in a drunken rage soon after.

How many Khergits does it take to screw in a lightbulb?      They can't, don't you know they're worthless?

Yes, I know these are horrible, I just wanted to get the ball rolling. We look forward to hearing from you here at Harlaus's Comedy Cabana!

 

[CryoNomad]

Can I just link threads of newbies we can all just laugh at? 

 

[Lord Barrett]

Can I just link threads of newbies we can all just laugh at? 

Should I have renamed the club the Oasis in the hopes we could have a sanctuary away from them? *shudder*

 

[ianfreddie07]

You know you're been in Caladria too long when...
1. You judge how violent things are by the frequency of Harlaus's parties! He only throws them during war, amirite?
2. You get complements on how your noggin sits on your torso in thick accents.
3. You consider a girl to be good looking if she wears anything other than a hat.
4. The Mongols (Khergits) can't conquer anything.
5. You most look forward to getting a wife so you can have feasts.
6. You start calling people damn dirty Vaegirs as an insult.

7. When you start ramming people and then screaming "COUCHED LANCE DAMAGE!"

 

[CryoNomad]

A Swadian, an Khergit, and a Nord each order a pint in a tavern. As they are about to drink, a black fly lands in each ale. The Swadian pushes the drink away, refusing to touch it. The Khergit flicks the fly out and drinks his pint. The Nord carefully lifts the fly out of his drink by the wings and bellows, "SPIT IT OUT ****ER! SPIT IT OUT!!"
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Two Nords are fishing in a lake when a Swadian comes to join them. But instead of getting out a pole, the Swadian walks across the surface of the water, grabs a fish, and takes it back to his bucket. Five times he does this before he picks up the bucket and walks home. One Nord turns to the other and says, "These Swadian's think they be so damn smart--they don't even know how to swim!"
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A Swadian dies and finds himself at the Gates of Paradise. God appears and asks, “Why should I let thee enter? What good hath thee done?” The Swadian said, “Well, once I was in a tavern and saw a group of Nords drinking and cussing. I walked up the biggest one, knocked the drink form his hand, slapped him across the face, and told him he needed to do better in his life.”God was impressed. “Very good my son. When did this happen?” The Swadian rubbed his elbow and said, “Oh, a few minutes ago.”
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One day a Nord and a Sarranid are walking through the woods when they see some rabbit turds. The Sarranid asks "What are those?" "They're smart pills," said the Nord. "Eat them and they'll make you smarter." So the Sarranid ate them and said, "Blah! These taste like crap!" "See," said the Nord, "you are getting smarter already."

 

[levache]

You know you're been in Caladria too long when...
1. You judge how violent things are by the frequency of Harlaus's parties! He only throws them during war, amirite?
2. You get complements on how your noggin sits on your torso in thick accents.
3. You consider a girl to be good looking if she wears anything other than a hat.
4. The Mongols (Khergits) can't conquer anything.
5. You most look forward to getting a wife so you can have feasts.
6. You start calling people damn dirty Vaegirs as an insult.

7. When you start ramming people and then screaming "COUCHED LANCE DAMAGE!"

8. You see shirtless men on the beach and think 'Looters!'.
9. Your girlfriend complains you keep mumbling something about a warcleaver in your sleep.
10. Your grocery list consists of game-items: Ale, Wine, Bread, Cheese, Beef, Cabbage, Fruit, Butter, Chicken, Pork, Grapes, Olives, Honey...

 

[Fearghus The Killer]

You know you're been in Caladria too long when...
1. You judge how violent things are by the frequency of Harlaus's parties! He only throws them during war, amirite?
2. You get complements on how your noggin sits on your torso in thick accents.
3. You consider a girl to be good looking if she wears anything other than a hat.
4. The Mongols (Khergits) can't conquer anything.
5. You most look forward to getting a wife so you can have feasts.
6. You start calling people damn dirty Vaegirs as an insult.

7. When you start ramming people and then screaming "COUCHED LANCE DAMAGE!"

8. You see shirtless men on the beach and think 'Looters!'.
9. Your girlfriend complains you keep mumbling something about a warcleaver in your sleep.
10. Your grocery list consists of game-items: Ale, Wine, Bread, Cheese, Beef, Cabbage, Fruit, Butter, Chicken, Pork, Grapes, Olives, Honey...

11. During normal disagreements with whomever, you blurt out "You, impudent whelp, I'll crush you."
12. The typical bustlines of your female aquaintances and/or companions don't seem quite up to snuff any more.
13. While killing cockroaches you keep thinking: "As you wish. Prepare to die."
14. When removing dead mice from a mousetrap, you can't help but proclaim: "Long Live King Graeveth!"

 

[Default]

12. You kill your neighbor and claim his house as your fief, only to find out that murder is against the law and wife, kids and pets can't be used as garrison troops to defend you from the police.

 

[ianfreddie07]

13. Your acupuncture treatments are applied with Jarids, Bolts and Arrows.

 

[Sinful01]

14. You tell your friends "follow me" and then cringe, fully expecting them to all smash into you at full speed and then stand around looking stupid.

 

[Chakka]

15. Someone raises their arm to wave at you, and you immediately block up.
16. You travel around your neighborhood asking if they will support granting your new fief house, and then the mayor claims it for himself.
17. You get a Pathfinder because a Rangerover just doesn't have the mph you need for your army.

 

[Fearghus The Killer]

Ach. you guys ninja'd me.

 

[CounterPoint391]

Picture speaks for itself....

隐藏

 

[Sinful01]

Picture speaks for itself....

隐藏

First thought "Why is that guy hugging that unicorn" .. .second was "at least that was the front of the horse"

... third thought .. "Calradia implements Strong-Man contests ... Charles the Looter attempts the "Knight Toss" ..."

 

[Default]

What mod is that?

 

[CounterPoint391]

Horses and shields courtesy of the OSP Item Variants, Transitonal Armor from Narf, Helmets from Dejawolf's Medieval Helmet Pack, Weapons by me. All packaged up in my work in progress mod. You can get the lances though, here. Look at my other uploads and you can find a custom sword too.

 

[killer-blead]

隐藏: Male Unicorn!

 

[Fearghus The Killer]

OK, a Steppe Bandit goes into the tavern in Tulga with a parrot on his head and the cute waitress there asks, " Where'd you get that thing?" and the parrot replies "Ichumar, there's millions of them..."

 

[hermanJnr.]

15. Someone raises their arm to wave at you, and you immediately block up.
16. You travel around your neighborhood asking if they will support granting your new fief house, and then the mayor claims it for himself.
17. You get a Pathfinder because a Rangerover just doesn't have the mph you need for your army.

18. You start taking a two handed axe to the pub each night so that you can kill any Belligerent Drunks you might bump into.

19. When visiting a big city, you walk up and down one street, repeatedly asking passers by where the Guild Master is and what the city produces.

20. You finish the majority of your conversations with "I guess I should leave." or "I must beg my leave."

21. When sealing business deals, you labour the point as much as possible to make sure you get more than a +1 rep boost.

22. You offer generously to buy a jar of the pub's best wine for everyone that evening, demanding that the town bask in your glory. The bartender gives you a strange look.

23. When visiting a friend's house you instinctively hug the walls so the archers on the battlements won't get a hit in.

24. You subconsciously start walking slower when under the leaves of trees, and avoid rivers in case you get ambushed crossing.

25. You find it extremely annoying that you can't teleport back to menu whenever you leave the house.

 

[TheBali]

26. You wonder why you have no conversation choices when talking to someone
27. When you yell CTRL + F4 to knock someone  down
28. You ask someone in duel when they insult you.