Jokes, one liners etc. ( To ease the pain of waiting.)

[russik112]

This is simple, we tell jokes laugh our arse off and ease the pain of wating, I will start first 3 jokes koming up

A large, powerfully-built guy meets  a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

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A whore, a blind man and a funny experience

A blind man goes into  a whorehouse and asks for a girl. The madam figures, since he's blind, she'll just give him an inflatable, lifesize doll -- he won't know the difference. So the man goes in the room with the inflatable girl and comes outfive minutes later. The madam asks him what happened and he says, “I slapped her ass, she farted and blew out the window.”
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

''Pinnochio and..sex?''

What did Raggedy Ann  do when she was horny?

A: She sat on Pinocchio's nose and said, “Tell the truth tell a lie tell the truth tell a lie tell the truth tell a lie tell the truth tell a lie!!!”

 

[shadowarcher]

*laughs uncontrollably*

 

[Nasferatu]

Lumberjacks

So these lumberjacks are eating at a large table and they decide to have a farting contest

the firt one makes a "pfffff"

Lumberjacks nod in aprooval

The second barely makes a sound at all

Lumberjacks smile and "arg"

all the while the new guy is laughing and says "thats nothing you guys suck listen to this"

He explodes a loud one that echoes the hall.

Silence ensues..

The head of the table and chief of the lumberjacks takes out his axe slams it into the table and says

"the virgins mine"



baby seal

So... a baby seal walks into a club.

 

[russik112]

lool the farting joke was.. nice!

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

 

[Herr_Lindstrom]

OMG that 10 husbands one is tooo ****ing funny!

 

[russik112]

Nice, I became a sargeant 

This one is the funniest I have ever told... I think it is!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck was catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

Spoiler

"You're queer, ain't ya?"

 

[russik112]

This one is from my dead freind.. died 3 years ago...

''Once there was a man and a women who bought a new computer, the old one was broken becouse of there kids... this time the Wife said ''Why don't we create a password?'' The husband agreed and answerd '' I am calling first to name it,'' The husband thought for 10 minnutes then he wrote ''mypenis'' on the computer.. What happened was the wife fell on the ground laughing out loud, becouse the computer showed an error saying

Spoiler

''Error!! Too small!''

 

[shadowarcher]

omg that was the most funniest thing i have read all day thank you sir for posting your joke oh and sorry for your friend

 

[Palestine]

it has 4 legs and an arm, what is it? 

Spoiler

a happy pitbull in a kindergarten

 

[russik112]

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.


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Last day on job, you whats going to happen yesh??!

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

 

[Nasferatu]

How do shepherds practice safe sex?

Spoiler

They mark an X on the back of the sheep.

How do priests practice safe sex?

Spoiler

They shave the head of the alter boy

how do you practice safe sex?

Spoiler

your mother.

 

[russik112]

Lion Tamer
wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the **** that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no **** in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some **** on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

 

[von Afton]

Lion Tamer
wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the **** that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no **** in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some **** on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

this one made me Laugh good work

 

[King Ragnarok]

doctor doctor, ive **** myself! well dont come to me! you blind twat! go to the toilet!... well go on you smelly thing! (both were was made in 20 seconds)

doctor doctor i have a bucket on my head! ****ing take it of then you silly ****!

 

[lukakiwi]

A jap, an irishman and a frenchman all work on the 80th floor of a construction sit. One day they were all eating lunch togather while sitting on one of the beams (on the 80th floor). The jap opens his lunchbox and says "Not sushi again. If i have sushi for lunch tommorow im gonna jump of this beam and kill myself". The frenchman opens his lunch box and says " Not snails again. If i have snails for lunch tommorow im gonna jump of this beam and kill myself.". The irishman opens his lunchbox and says "not potatoe sandwich again. If ihave potatoe sandwiches for lunch tommorow im gonna jump of this beam and kill myself.". The next day at lunch the jap opens his lunchbox, sees sushi, and jumps to his death. The frenchman opens his lunchbox, sees snails, and jumps to his death. The irishman opens his lunchbox, sees a potatoe sandwich and jumps to his death.
At their memorial service, the japanese wife cies out " If i only knew he was sick of sushi!", the frenchmans' wife cries out " If i only knew he was sick of snail", and the irishmans' wife cries out " I dont understand! He made his own sandwiches!!!" 

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Waht do you say to a man with two black eyes. Nothing, hes already been told twice.

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

A man is sleeping in a hotel room. Suddenly he hears something wich wakes him up. Then he hears a low voice saying. "OOOOHHH, im the black eyed ghost' OOOHHHH" The man says, "Shut up or youl be the two black eyed ghost"

One atom says to the other "I think im missing an electron. The other asks "Are you sure?". The 1st one says "Yes, Im positive!"         

 

[lukakiwi]

...............................................................................

 

[-Raven-]

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Lmao 

 

[muiehaha]

I'm not a racist but i think this one is good....What a black man can't get? A fat lip, a black eye, and a job

Why blacks are so good at basketball? Cuz all you gotta do is run, shoot and steal.  Sry if anyone is black around here, im not a racist, just love those 2 jokes

 

[SPQR]

Here is one to keep it rolling.

Question: How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?

Answer: None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.

 

[russik112]

Here is one to keep it rolling.

Question: How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?

Answer: None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.

  Not funny...



0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.