A comedian & stage performer called Kenneth Dodd passed away recently, these are some of his jokes;
"Five years in showbuisness ladies and gentlement. That's a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh."
"My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said; 'Is this a joke?' "
"Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a mussel."
"So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut."
"Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed."
"Honalulu's got everthing. Sand for the children, sun for the wife and sharks for the wifes mother."
"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
"The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."
"She was a big girl- she could fry a leg oflamb. She tried the 'speak your weight' machine. It said; 'To be continued.' "
"I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma."
"So this fellow tells the doctor; 'Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy.' The doctor asks; 'What do you take?' 'Pepper.'
"My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying; 'Well, that taught me a lesson.' "
"How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday."
"Be honest girls, is this the first time you've seen a Chippendale?"
"My teeth are all my own. I just finished paying for them."
"In the 1800's, one of the MPs in London decided to introduce tax. In those days it was 2p in the pound. I thought it still was."
"Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
"It's ten years since I wnet out of my mind. I'd never go back."
"Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say; 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted.' "
"An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in."
"I wouldn't part with my teeth. I'm the only patient who can sit in the dentist's waiting room and have his teeth checked at the surgery."
"How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows - it's never been done before."
[Addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre] "It's a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed."
"Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day."
"We have a Frenchman that makes his own gravy - the Count of Monte Bisto."
"I told Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."
"I've done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted; 'Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher.' And it was during the bingo."
"The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost."
"Doctor, 'How old are you?' 'I'm approaching 50.' 'From which direction?' "
"The question I am frequently asked is how can I make a small tin of rice pudding last longer? Well, usew a smaller spoon."
"In some parts of the world people eat little bent pieces of wire for breakfast - it's their staple diet."
"What is deja vu? Haven't I already answered that?"
"What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through someone's letterbox and shouting; 'Help, help, the Martians have landed!' "
"Did you know that Les Miserables was a Frenchman with no sense of humour?"
"Did you know that Handel donated all his organs to medical science? Mind you, he wouldn't let them have his piano."
"I went into a shop last Saturday to buy a lottery ticket. And there was a gorgeous girl behind the counter. She said, 'Next week, it'll be rollover week.' I said, 'Will it? That's better than winning ten quid.' "
"I do gigs or 'one-night stands'. One night is all they can stand."
[On his famously long shows] "Let me tell you it gets stressful. You're under stress. I'm under stress. I don't know what i'm under stress for. I'm the only one who knows what time it's going to finish tonight... but I don't want to depress you."
"I'm an optimist. No, and optimist, love. Nothing to do with your eyes."
"The other night in our house in Knotty Ash the phone rang. I picked up the phone, he said; 'Hello Ken, it's Chris Tarrant here, ITV's Who Wants To Be A Millionare. Ken, we have David Beckham here and his wife Victoria and with your help we can get them up to £100.' "
"This audience tonight represents the creme de la creme - that's French for 'evapourated milk'. "
"This is going to be a long, long show. By the time you get out of here tonight Peter Mandelson will have paid his mortgage off."
"Eve said to Adam; 'Do you love me?' And he replied; 'Well who else is there?' "
"I went outside the house and there was this man with his head sticking out the pavement. I said; 'Are you from the gas board?' He said; 'No, my parachute didn't open.' "
"The Millenium Dome; the worlds biggest wok... It looks like John Prescott lying down."
"The Romans built our roads. They're still working on the M6.
"Over 285 bones in the human body, enough to last the average dog a fortnight."
"Scientists and doctors - they're making tremendous striades all the time. One of these days you could have another mouth on top of your head. When you're late for work in the morning, stick a bacon sandwich under your cap and eat it on your way to the bus."
"Did any of us in our wildest dreams thing we'd live long enough to see the end of the DFS sale?"
"Dogs have a very, very highly developed sense of smell. You wouldn't think so from some of the things they sniff, but they do."
"As the Irishman said when he saw his X-ray; 'I don't remember eating all those bones.' "
"Aromatherapy's all about different aromatic oils. Rosemary's good for a headache. Well, she always had one when I tried it. Castor oil's very good for athletics. Have a bottle of that and you don't need starting blocks."
"I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move."
"This lady stopped me the other day. She said, 'Hello handsome, can you tell me the way to the opticians?' "
"Oh and here's a police message 'Will all those people who took the M6 motorway please put it back because other people want to use it.' "
"Blackpool; where everyone is so friendly. Even the tram drivers give you a cheery wave as they knock the legs from under you."
"How does a hen know the size of an egg cup when it lays an egg?"
"I've never wronged an onion so why do they make me cry?"
"Our farmers, working hard to grow fresh British food. Better than that frozen stuff from Iceland."
"How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shin a torch in her earhole."
"There are 37 bones in the human neck, more if you're eating kippers."
"A blonde goes to the hairdresser on a Saturday morning. She has earphones on, listening to the pop music. She says to the hairdresser just go 'round them. So he tries but eventually he takes them off and bang, she falls unconscious onto the dressing table. He picks the earphones up; 'Breathe in. Breathe out.' "
"What's black and blue and lies in the gutter? A comedian telling blonde jokes."
"How honoured I am to be here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. There wasn't much on telly."
"All these videos about vampires and werewolves. Fancy anybody paying good money to watch someone with long hair and big teeth."
"Self-assessment. I invented that."
"The crew here, they put me in number one dressing room. You can't get lower than one. It was a nice dressing room though, they even put fresh straw in."
"We don't have bidets in my home. We just stand upside down in the shower."
"There are some very dodgy questions on these forms. Sex? I put 'Well, occasionally.' "
"In Germany all the hims are Herrs."
"This morning the BBC sent a car for me. Luckily it missed."
"Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions."
"What's red, hard and bad for your teeth? A brick."
There are more, but I cannot be arsed to type them out.
"Five years in showbuisness ladies and gentlement. That's a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh."
"My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said; 'Is this a joke?' "
"Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn's cocktail party? He pulled a mussel."
"So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut."
"Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed."
"Honalulu's got everthing. Sand for the children, sun for the wife and sharks for the wifes mother."
"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."
"The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."
"She was a big girl- she could fry a leg oflamb. She tried the 'speak your weight' machine. It said; 'To be continued.' "
"I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma."
"So this fellow tells the doctor; 'Every time I sneeze I feel very sexy.' The doctor asks; 'What do you take?' 'Pepper.'
"My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying; 'Well, that taught me a lesson.' "
"How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday."
"Be honest girls, is this the first time you've seen a Chippendale?"
"My teeth are all my own. I just finished paying for them."
"In the 1800's, one of the MPs in London decided to introduce tax. In those days it was 2p in the pound. I thought it still was."
"Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese."
"It's ten years since I wnet out of my mind. I'd never go back."
"Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say; 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted.' "
"An official went to ask my big Auntie Nellie to come off the beach because the tide was waiting to come in."
"I wouldn't part with my teeth. I'm the only patient who can sit in the dentist's waiting room and have his teeth checked at the surgery."
"How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows - it's never been done before."
[Addressing people in The Gods at a provincial theatre] "It's a privilege to be asked to play here tonight on what is a very special anniversary. It is 100 years to the night since that balcony collapsed."
"Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day."
"We have a Frenchman that makes his own gravy - the Count of Monte Bisto."
"I told Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."
"I've done some brave things in my time. I played Nottingham Labour Club. I was the one who shouted; 'Three cheers for Mrs Thatcher.' And it was during the bingo."
"The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost."
"Doctor, 'How old are you?' 'I'm approaching 50.' 'From which direction?' "
"The question I am frequently asked is how can I make a small tin of rice pudding last longer? Well, usew a smaller spoon."
"In some parts of the world people eat little bent pieces of wire for breakfast - it's their staple diet."
"What is deja vu? Haven't I already answered that?"
"What a beautiful day for sticking a cucumber through someone's letterbox and shouting; 'Help, help, the Martians have landed!' "
"Did you know that Les Miserables was a Frenchman with no sense of humour?"
"Did you know that Handel donated all his organs to medical science? Mind you, he wouldn't let them have his piano."
"I went into a shop last Saturday to buy a lottery ticket. And there was a gorgeous girl behind the counter. She said, 'Next week, it'll be rollover week.' I said, 'Will it? That's better than winning ten quid.' "
"I do gigs or 'one-night stands'. One night is all they can stand."
[On his famously long shows] "Let me tell you it gets stressful. You're under stress. I'm under stress. I don't know what i'm under stress for. I'm the only one who knows what time it's going to finish tonight... but I don't want to depress you."
"I'm an optimist. No, and optimist, love. Nothing to do with your eyes."
"The other night in our house in Knotty Ash the phone rang. I picked up the phone, he said; 'Hello Ken, it's Chris Tarrant here, ITV's Who Wants To Be A Millionare. Ken, we have David Beckham here and his wife Victoria and with your help we can get them up to £100.' "
"This audience tonight represents the creme de la creme - that's French for 'evapourated milk'. "
"This is going to be a long, long show. By the time you get out of here tonight Peter Mandelson will have paid his mortgage off."
"Eve said to Adam; 'Do you love me?' And he replied; 'Well who else is there?' "
"I went outside the house and there was this man with his head sticking out the pavement. I said; 'Are you from the gas board?' He said; 'No, my parachute didn't open.' "
"The Millenium Dome; the worlds biggest wok... It looks like John Prescott lying down."
"The Romans built our roads. They're still working on the M6.
"Over 285 bones in the human body, enough to last the average dog a fortnight."
"Scientists and doctors - they're making tremendous striades all the time. One of these days you could have another mouth on top of your head. When you're late for work in the morning, stick a bacon sandwich under your cap and eat it on your way to the bus."
"Did any of us in our wildest dreams thing we'd live long enough to see the end of the DFS sale?"
"Dogs have a very, very highly developed sense of smell. You wouldn't think so from some of the things they sniff, but they do."
"As the Irishman said when he saw his X-ray; 'I don't remember eating all those bones.' "
"Aromatherapy's all about different aromatic oils. Rosemary's good for a headache. Well, she always had one when I tried it. Castor oil's very good for athletics. Have a bottle of that and you don't need starting blocks."
"I've seen a topless lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move."
"This lady stopped me the other day. She said, 'Hello handsome, can you tell me the way to the opticians?' "
"Oh and here's a police message 'Will all those people who took the M6 motorway please put it back because other people want to use it.' "
"Blackpool; where everyone is so friendly. Even the tram drivers give you a cheery wave as they knock the legs from under you."
"How does a hen know the size of an egg cup when it lays an egg?"
"I've never wronged an onion so why do they make me cry?"
"Our farmers, working hard to grow fresh British food. Better than that frozen stuff from Iceland."
"How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? Shin a torch in her earhole."
"There are 37 bones in the human neck, more if you're eating kippers."
"A blonde goes to the hairdresser on a Saturday morning. She has earphones on, listening to the pop music. She says to the hairdresser just go 'round them. So he tries but eventually he takes them off and bang, she falls unconscious onto the dressing table. He picks the earphones up; 'Breathe in. Breathe out.' "
"What's black and blue and lies in the gutter? A comedian telling blonde jokes."
"How honoured I am to be here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. There wasn't much on telly."
"All these videos about vampires and werewolves. Fancy anybody paying good money to watch someone with long hair and big teeth."
"Self-assessment. I invented that."
"The crew here, they put me in number one dressing room. You can't get lower than one. It was a nice dressing room though, they even put fresh straw in."
"We don't have bidets in my home. We just stand upside down in the shower."
"There are some very dodgy questions on these forms. Sex? I put 'Well, occasionally.' "
"In Germany all the hims are Herrs."
"This morning the BBC sent a car for me. Luckily it missed."
"Five out of every three people have trouble understanding fractions."
"What's red, hard and bad for your teeth? A brick."
There are more, but I cannot be arsed to type them out.
I like it.
