Jokes and other assorted atrocities.

[Seff]

Bad joke. Sarcasm doesn't count.

 

[pentagathus]

Yeah, right.

 

[Fierce Headmaster]

A man in a blue hat walks into a bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. After a while he turns to the fellas sitting next to him and says "Hey, fellas, I'll make you a deal: If I can show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, something you have never seen before, you will each pay me 20 bucks. But, if you don't think it's the most amazing thing you've ever seen then I'll pay each of you 20 bucks."

The guys have a wee chuckle but agree. They sit and watch with curious smirks as the man with the blue hat pulls a small man, less than a foot tall, from the bag he has on the floor beside. He also pulls out a small piano and stool. He puts the piano on the bar and the tiny man sits down at begins to play the most beautiful rendition of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata the men have ever heard.

After he has finished and they have all applauded, the fellas take out their wallets and each give the man in the blue hat 20 bucks, admitting it was indeed the most amazing thing they had ever seen.

As the man in the blue hat puts his money away and goes back to drinking, one of the fellas approaches him and asks where he found the small guy. "I actually got him from a genie," replies the man in the blue hat and pulls a lamp out of his bag.

"Wow!" exclaims the other fella and proceeds to ask if the genie is still in there. After the man in the blue hat nods, the fella asks him if he might also ask the genie for a wish. "Sure," replies the man in the blue hat, "but he will grant each person only one wish."

The other fella rubs the lamp and out comes the genie in a puff of smoke. The genie booms "I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH."

The fella thinks for a second before telling the genie "I wish for a million bucks!" "GRANTED!" exclaims the genie before disappearing back into the lamp. The guy looks around, puzzled, as he doesn't see the money anywhere. Then they hear the sound of quacking rapidly getting louder. All of sudden, ducks start pouring into the bar through the doors and windows.

"What's going on?" the fella asks the man in the blue hat. "Oh, I forgot to mention," the man in blue hat replies, "that the genie is a tad hard of hearing. Do you really think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?"

 

[Arvenski]

 

[crodio]

Halal joke

 

[Lumos]

Bad joke. Sarcasm doesn't count.

Spoiler

 

[Age of Empires ¶ Densetsu]

 

[SacredStoneHead]

 

[Age of Empires ¶ Densetsu]

 

[SacredStoneHead]

 

[Areze]

 

[Sarin]

A little topical one from me:

This is the first time US has a tech savvy president. When his government doesn't work, he turns it off and on again.

 

[BenKenobi]

Mr. Kohn and Mr. Goldstein are walking on a Mariahilfer Straße.
"Look, Mr. Kohn," exclaims Mr. Goldstein. "These two girls walking there are only two daughters of the banker Rothschild. The two wealthiest brides in all of Vienna."
Mr. Kohn pauses for a second to have a look at the girls. "God is just."

Moishe comes to see the rabbi.
"Rabbi, I want to marry and my fiancée is a daughter of industrialist Katz."
"Take her as your wife then."
"But she is ugly."
"Don't take her, then."
"But her dowry is more than a million crowns."
"Take her, then."
"She is dumb and walk with a limp."
"Don't marry that one."
"But my father will make me a joint owner of his textile mill if I get married."
"Then marry her."
"But she is half-blind."
The rabbi thinks for a moment: "You know what, Moishe, get christened."
"Will it help?"
"No. But let the priest have trouble with you instead."

Mr. Blau is on a terrace of a café in Bad Ischl when he sees his friend Birnbaum.
"I am staying at The Blue Bull Inn," says Birnbaum.
"Oh, please," answers Blau. "You know the owner is a known nazi."
Birnbaum rushes to the inn and cancels his accommodation.
"But Mr. Birnbaum," says the owner, "you weren't happy with our services?"
"Happy I was, but they told me they are a nazi."
"What? Me? A nazi? In a summer season?"

 

[Evelyn]

The street name is the punchline for the first one, in case any non-german-speakers have difficulty with it.

 

[BenKenobi]

Not really, I think. While it adds a certain touch, I think it is a play on the trope that is prevalent in many Jewish jokes and anecdotes, that is that Jewish women are ugly; even more so when they are old. That being said, it should be pretty obvious even without this in mind 

 

[crodio]

María helper?
Joke is: girl is rich but very ugly, what has Maria helper street has to do with it, Frau Goldsteinenberg???

 

[Evelyn]

Something something blessed virgin something something, but if the punchline is actually intended as just 'lol jews' nevermind.

 

[Kentucky 『 ＨＥＩＧＵＩ 』 James]

Why does BenKenobi always score higher than Bigby in test results?

Because one is czechian while the other is just russian.

 

[BenKenobi]

 

[Age of Empires ¶ Densetsu]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Doctor.

Doctor Who?

You said it.