Jokes and other assorted atrocities.
- Thread starter Delora Filth
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A man walks into a Dairy Queen, looking forward to enjoying one of their ice cream specialties.
Employee: Good afternoon, sir, what can I get for you?
Man: Hello, I'll have a large Blizzard.
Employee: Oh, I'm so sorry. I can offer you a plain one, but we're all out of toppings!
Man: WHAT? That's terrible! All of them??
Employee: Yes, they're all gone, sir.
Man: Even the Skor?!?
Employee: Good afternoon, sir, what can I get for you?
Man: Hello, I'll have a large Blizzard.
Employee: Oh, I'm so sorry. I can offer you a plain one, but we're all out of toppings!
Man: WHAT? That's terrible! All of them??
Employee: Yes, they're all gone, sir.
Man: Even the Skor?!?
In the convent chapel the nuns are lining up to confess their sins to the priest.
The first nun goes in:
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I've seen a man's penis".
The priest says:
"Well, that's quite bad sister. But go wash your eyes in the holy water and it'll be forgiven"
The second nun enters:
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I've touched a man's penis".
The priest shakes his head sadly:
"That is very bad, sister. But if you wash your hands well in the holy water you'll be forgiven".
Suddenly a commotion is heard outside the booth, and the priest goes outside to see two nuns fighting to get ahead.
"What in the lord's name is going on here, sisters?!"
The nun trying to push past looks angrily at him and says:
"Well, I'm trying to get this daft bint to understand I don't wanna have the bloody holy water in my mouth after she's had her arse in there!".
The first nun goes in:
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I've seen a man's penis".
The priest says:
"Well, that's quite bad sister. But go wash your eyes in the holy water and it'll be forgiven"
The second nun enters:
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I've touched a man's penis".
The priest shakes his head sadly:
"That is very bad, sister. But if you wash your hands well in the holy water you'll be forgiven".
Suddenly a commotion is heard outside the booth, and the priest goes outside to see two nuns fighting to get ahead.
"What in the lord's name is going on here, sisters?!"
The nun trying to push past looks angrily at him and says:
"Well, I'm trying to get this daft bint to understand I don't wanna have the bloody holy water in my mouth after she's had her arse in there!".
What do you have if you have nuts on your wall?
What do you have if you have nuts on your chest?
What do you have if you have nuts on your chin?
Walnuts
Chestnuts
A **** in your mouth.
Ligma
Whs is the difference between mothers from Jerusalem, Haifa and Tel Aviv?
A mother from Jerusalem hopes that her son marries a decent religious girl from an orthodox family. A mother from Haifa hopes that her son marries a decent girl. A mother from Tel Aviv hopes that her son marries a girl.
A mother from Jerusalem hopes that her son marries a decent religious girl from an orthodox family. A mother from Haifa hopes that her son marries a decent girl. A mother from Tel Aviv hopes that her son marries a girl.
That can be inferred from the punchline. I don't even know where Haifa is and I was unaware about this stereotype but the joke still landed.
Jerusalem: Obese babushka mother who lives in a log cabin in Bucknowhere-oblast and refuses to let you cook and doesn't know how to use her smartphone
Haifa: Boomer mother who texts you low quality inspirational jpegs on whatsapp and cooks obscene miscegenation meals like roast dinner with rice or bbq stir fry
Tel Aviv: Hillary Clinton
Haifa: Boomer mother who texts you low quality inspirational jpegs on whatsapp and cooks obscene miscegenation meals like roast dinner with rice or bbq stir fry
Tel Aviv: Hillary Clinton
Jerusalem: arrogantly religious bearded guys, arrogantly irreligious bearded guys, actually a nice place to live. yalla hapo'el
Haifa: working class, solid people, Baha'is, actually a nice place to live
Tel-Aviv: Greens, good economy, LGBT folks, great nightlife, but you're probably better off living in Rishon LeZion or somewhere else in Gush Dan.
Haifa: working class, solid people, Baha'is, actually a nice place to live
Tel-Aviv: Greens, good economy, LGBT folks, great nightlife, but you're probably better off living in Rishon LeZion or somewhere else in Gush Dan.
I was on holiday in Madrid recently and whilst coughing and sneezing in my hotel bed, I realised that I needed medical attention. I called the concierge to get help and he replied "Oh, you're sick! Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The Doctor strolled into the room within seconds. As I stuttered and desperately tried to comprehend the situation, he calmly gave me an injection and reassured me that soon all my symptoms would go away. When I finally managed to stammer out "h... how does a hotel have their own doctor on immediate call?" The Doctor cracked a wry smile and shook his head:
The Doctor strolled into the room within seconds. As I stuttered and desperately tried to comprehend the situation, he calmly gave me an injection and reassured me that soon all my symptoms would go away. When I finally managed to stammer out "h... how does a hotel have their own doctor on immediate call?" The Doctor cracked a wry smile and shook his head:
"Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician
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