Ever noticed...? Your classic stand-up routine.

Users who are viewing this thread

New bit about sushi:

Ever had sushi? If the Japanese hadn't invented it, the Nazis would have.
It's the gastronomical equivalent to a military parade.
The chef just shouts orders - "get in line", "stand straight" - and the sushi makes itself.
It's so neatly arranged and mathematically perfect that I know people with severe OCD who eat nothing else.

You also shouldn't enjoy it. How do you make sure fish has no taste? Serve it cold and raw. That's how.
Don't ****ing think this is pleasure. Eat because you want to live, not because you want to enjoy yourself like some ****** hippie.

Too dry for you? cover it in black salt - the Devil's Semen - or soy as they call it.
Too tasteless for you? Eat some scorching wasabi and burn your throat with the heat of a thousand pizza ovens. Fag!

Ne5_W.jpg
 
Somewhat of a necro, but I require validation of my humor from an outside source. Or someone to tell me i'm awful so I don't waste anymore time thinking of jokes.

I read that Frost poem today. You know, about taking the road less traveled? Frankly, that's horrid advice. Have you ever been walking about late at night and come to a divergence of roads and thought, "You know what? I always take Main Street on the way home. Today i'm feeling adventurous. I'm going to walk home by the unlit road that goes through that poor neighborhood!" Wouldn't it be simpler to just take Main Street home and stab yourself in the kidneys with a pocket knife after throwing your wallet into the fireplace?

Am I the only one that used to think looking up naughty words in the dictionary was the coolest thing ever? I remember this one time, when I was about 8 years old, I was sitting there at the kitchen table and decided to look up the word, "Sex." I was thinking, "Alright, time to read some hardcore porn!" Except when I got to the definition there was this really big word. I couldn't quite work it out, so I turned around to my mother and grandmother and said, "What does I-N-T-E-R-C-O-U-R-S-E spell?" That was a fun conversation.

I read that Shakespear invented 1,700 words. That must've been fun. Just run out of rhyming words, and make up your own. No wonder the guy was so famous. He succeeded in convincing the entirety of the English speaking world that they just didn't know 1,700 words.

I like it when black people are around. Not because I prefer the company of one race over another, but because when there's an absence of black people, about a quarter of the white population feels obligated to start talking and acting like Doughboy from Boyz in the Hood.
 
I'm such an unimaginative person. There are so many things I don't see the use of to begin with.
I would have missed so many impressive things had I been at the right time and the right place.

9th century AD:
Some guy: Hey, check out what I made: 0
Me:            Yeah, it's a circle. So what?
Some guy: It's the number zero, for nothing. Put 1 in front of it and you have ten. Put 2 and you have twenty. It's brilliant.
Me:          So it's a number for nothing? You've invented 'nothing'. That's just stupid, dude. Stop embarrassing yourself.




What's the deal with priests? I can read!
Everything you want to teach me is in one book?
Fool, I've read more than 100 times that.

"Thou shall not..." Yeah, I can read.
"And Jesus said..." Yeah, I can read.
 
Guess who's having delusions of grandeur in regards to his wit again! That's right, not me! I'm hilarious.

Alright, here's a story. I'm not so good at talking to people, so I like to use visual aids to communicate my points. In keeping with this, and being the Casanova that I am, I formulate this really romantic and spontaneous plan to lose my virginity. I go get on my computer and go to Vistaprint and take my time designing this really, really nice looking card. It's got flowers and really fancy font all over it, and it says my name along the top border followed by, "V-Card. One Time Use for Someone Special." So I carry this thing in my wallet for months and months, and finally one day I'm out with my friend and meet this girl who isn't repulsed by me on an instinctual level. Wind up at an above-average fast food restaurant a week later and get proper hyped up on coffee at 11 P.M., which is what I hear you're supposed to do when you're a mature adult on the dating scene. It's totally safe, too, because I make sure she doesn't drink more than 2 cups of coffee, because I'm too cool to have a car and she drove us here, and I'm not so reckless as to let someone drive after too much coffee. After my 4th cup, I've got to pee pretty bad and it looks like she's done eating so I pull my wallet out before I go to the restroom and leave the money on the table. I pretend to be all cool and stop halfway through putting my wallet back into my pocket and look at her. "Oh," I say, "I've got something for you, too." I reach in and toss the V-Card onto the table and saunter off towards the bathroom. I take my time, really enjoy urinating, because when you're as smooth as I am, the world can wait while you relieve yourself. After I wash my hands I even pull out a little pocket comb and prepare my hair for the messing it's about to get once I score so hard. This plan can't fail.

Now, I know what you're all thinking. "He's still got that card." Well, go ahead and laugh it up, because you're wrong. That ******* that thought it was my bank card and mugged me when I had to walk home after she drove off and left me does. Either way, I got ****ed that night, so I'd call it a net gain.


ADDIT: So, there's not really a dedicated humorous factual anecdotes thread, so I'll post this here and maybe give it a slight bend to fit the theme. Yes, they're all true.

This one time at Bible Camp, and yes, I went to Bible Camp every summer for 4 years, I had just hit the age where they let you start going. I go to this really old-fashioned church, and we had a Youth Group of only like 15 kids, most of them being in their later teens while I was around 11. Anyway, one night they decide to get the fawning wide-eyed young scamp into some trouble and convince me to dress up in one of the chaperone's clothes. There might have been the suggestion that I lay on his counter and pretend to be touching myself when he entered the little apartment dorm, but I'm not going to claim to recall the details. It was kosher, though, because he was only a chaperone in the sense that he was 18 and thus legally capable of watching a bunch of 16 year olds and we were bros with him. Being bros with a dude and dressing up in his clothes with the intention to feign masturbation aren't conducive actions, I learned that night.

I think it was actually later the same night, to my shame, that we were playing aggressive wrestle-tag. The camp was at this college, so we're set up in dorms with a main living room and four bedrooms in every corner to an apartment. Each bedroom has it's own key. So I'm getting chased and having a grand old time and manage to get myself locked up in my bedroom. Now, being the little ninja that I am, I decide I'll throw them all through a loop and hop out my window and sneak back in the front. I left my key on the desk. So I come back in through the front door, all puffed up and show them my resourceful nature in climbing out of windows to escape getting tagged. It's all good and we have a laugh. Until I go to open my door and discover I've locked myself out. I freak out a little, being 11, and we go back outside to the still cracked window. I'm just about to crawl back in, and they're lifting me up into the window and it's all good, but suddenly the Bible Cops roll up on their little patrol golf carts, because this is Bible Camp and you don't mess around with post-curfew breaking-and-entering shenanigans when you're sheepherding young impressionable souls. She doesn't even bother to come over, and just yells rather aggressively to get down right that instant. I'm pretty scared now, because the Bible Cops are busting me for a misdemeanor, and I'm pretty sure I remember a guy going to Hell for that somewhere in Numbers. So they pull me down off the window ledge as the Holy Warriors roll off to enforce the Holy Tenants elsewhere. The dude's I was playing tag with are telling me to chill and keeping their hand in the window, they'll lift me up again in a second when she's good and gone. Then the Youth Pastor's son comes up and asks what we're up to. Now, he's a cool dude too, but he's kind of high on himself, so he kind of scoffs and reaches past the guy holding the window and pulls it shut. At this point, I'm pretty sure I'm not leaving Bible Camp with my ticket to Heaven, so I start crying on the lawn of the dorm. Youth Pastor comes around and asks what's up, and I explain through the tears. We went to the front desk and got another key.

Now, to shift some of the madness off of me, there was also this blind kid in our Youth Group. He's cool, but he's maybe a smidge mentally handicapped; I honestly think there was some hereditary deficiency with his whole family, they're all a little off, but nice people. Now, he may be blind and a bit slow, but when you're a player you play the game. This is a Southern Baptist Bible Camp, so everyone's really overly nice and friendly, and especially all the girls are going out of their way to hang out with the nice blind kid. He's been blind his whole life, as far as I know, and he's like 15, so he's pretty adept at the whole "functioning while handicapped" thing. But these girls don't know that. His little walking stick's awfully hard to use for navigation, you see, and sometimes he needs some guiding in the form of holding on to people. Blind dude can't be blamed when he repeatedly decides that breasts are the best thing to hold on to when nice young ladies offer to help you around campus. I'm pretty sure that's how Saul finished the last leg of the road to Damascus, at any rate. And he and all his friends didn't end up with an impromptu sexual harassment lecture from a stunned Youth Pastor, either.
 
I want to start a restaurant named Are You Gonna Eat That?
All the food will look like it was left over and will be served next to you, so you reach over to get it.
There's nothing better than what others are having.
 
You ever wonder how it is that we came up with some of the foods we have? I mean, really. Look at the onion. You just know, that at some point somewhere hundreds of years ago, someone was cutting up an onion saying "Man, this is really bothering my eyes! They're watery and they're they're starting to swell up, I think I might have an allergic reaction!...you know what I better put this in my mouth."
*Laughter*
Amirite? I mean really, think about it, how did we come up with this stuff? Or how about cheese, did you ever think about that? Somebody just had some disgusting bucket of curdled milk ya know sayin "Aw man this is horrendous. Just terrible. Maybe..maybe I can just add some spices to this or something, will people buy that? Will people actually eat this?"
*More Laughter*
When you think about it if our ancestors hadn't been so stupid as to stick everything in their mouths we wouldn't have any of the food we have today.
You guys have been great, goodnight!
*applause*
 
:lol:


The classic shirt with collar is such a weird piece of clothing.

Customer trying on the first shirt ever: All those buttons on the front are so hard to button with one hand.
Inventor: Just use both hands.
Customer: Of course, how silly of m... *looks at wrist* Heeey...
Inventor: Oh yes, those you'll have to button with one hand.

Customer: All this fabric around the neck is annoying.
Inventor: Well, you're supposed to fold it down. And I have this for you, to put around the neck.
Customer: Aha, a scarf. It's kind of slim though. Doesn't cover much.
Inventor: I call it a tie *puts it around neck and starts tightening it*
Customer: *starts doubting the sanity of the inventor*
 
I like the etymology of the work "kiosk". It's originally Persian, meaning palace or pavilion.
Then the British got a hold of it, and it becomes a newsstand - one of the most simple structures you can possibly build.



Ever overheard a debate so stupid that you wanted to intervene,
but knew that no matter what you said it would be seen as sympathy for one of the idiots?



You have to admire how the first humans found out what could be eaten and what couldn't.
A small tribe of humans coming across some mushrooms.
- Hey, Ronnie, taste those, will you. Just to see if they're okay to eat.
- No way, they could be poisonous.
- Come on, just try them.
- Let's give them to the goat first, and see how it reacts.
- That's our last goat. We can't risk it dying.
- "Aha! So you admit they could be poisonous!"
- Don't be such a *****, man.

Fast forward two years, a mother is walking with her little boy, and he picks something up from the ground.
"Oh, no honey, put it down. That's a Ronnie Mushroom. We never eat those."
 
Saw James Veitch last night at a pub in Islington. It was a material testing night so was only a fiver, but as a result was very hit and miss.

Interesting to see how behind the scenes comedy works though, there were a lot of pretty awful jokes :lol:
 
Strange to think people once believed in mythological creatures, trolls and mermaids, witches and wizards and so on.
The world was a magical place. It must have been so easy to lie back then.
If I was late for school, I could just say I was walking through the woods and was attacked by a 10 feet tall wolf.
Everyone would go "wow, that's incredible. So lucky you escaped!"
And if Brian in the back doubts me, going "yeah, right. No way it was 10 feet",
I would just say "wasn't your mother raped by a troll, and that's why your brother has dark skin? Weird **** happens, dude. You know it."
 
Back
Top Bottom