Ever noticed...? Your classic stand-up routine.

[Adorno]

We've all imagined doing stand-up at one time or another and thought about a good routine to start off with.
What's your classic stand-up routine?

I'll start.

Ever noticed how parents talk to their children in third person?
"If you eat your vegetables mommy will be so proud of you".
"Don't do that, okay. Daddy doesn't like it".

It's like they think it's a trick to make the kid do what they want. Imagine if that worked everywhere:
Going to your physician:
"You should take this pill twice a day, okay. Then the doctor will be so proud of you."
Or in the army:
"We're going for a really long march now, and if everyone keeps up the pace the sergeant will be so happy. We don't want him to get upset now, do we?


Okay, that sucked. Now let me hear yours. 

 

[Austupaio]

"We're going for a really long march now, and if everyone keeps up the pace the sergeant will be so happy. We don't want him to get upset now, do we?"

Oh, that does work. Works quite well.

 

[Adorno]

 

[Nahkuri]

Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?







That's the joke.

 

[FrisianDude]

ever notice how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this

 

[Pharaoh Llandy]

We've all imagined doing stand-up at one time or another

I haven't.

 

[shadowarcher]

I come up with stand up material nearly every day, unfortunately most of it is only funny in person (kinda like Lee Evans), so I'm not going to type anything here.

 

[bugman]

Nothing about Lee Evans is funny

 

[Adorno]

We've all imagined doing stand-up at one time or another

I haven't.

You should. I would come see your show.

 

[Orion]

I haven't slept for 10 days straight. That's too long to sleep in one go.

 

[Dodes]

"Hey is this thing on?"

*taps mic too hard*

*massive feedback*

*audience displeased*

 

[vadermath]

Dodes, you merely have to appear to get the *audience displeased*

 

[Nahkuri]

My classic stand up routine as I imagine it

"hey... uhh... you guy's know it... hate it when.... uhhh... wait.... jesus... you know when you..... GOD DAMNIT *runs off the stage*"

 

[Dodes]

Dodes, you merely have to appear to get the *audience displeased*

Spoiler

 

[RoboSenshi]

*Warning* Slightly racist material ahead. Please don't ban, I'm pretty sure I'm black.

What is it with black people and food man? Black people we always use food as an analogy for money, especially gang bangers and rappers you know? When they're boasting about how much money they have. They say some **** like:

"I'm out here making this dough nigga!"

"Tryin to make some cheese mother****a, you know some lettuce, put some green in my pocket"

"I'm in the streets getting some bread!"

Like what is that? sounds like their making a ****ing burger or some ****. And it got me thinking, what's next?

"My pepperoni stack up to the roof nigga!"

"I'm out here making these cookies mother****a! You know, tryin to get some Recess cups!"

Who knows where its gonna lead.

 

[Adorno]

Black humour 

 

[shadowarcher]

Spoiler

*Warning* Slightly racist material ahead. Please don't ban, I'm pretty sure I'm black.

What is it with black people and food man? Black people we always use food as an analogy for money, especially gang bangers and rappers you know? When they're boasting about how much money they have. They say some **** like:

"I'm out here making this dough nigga!"

"Tryin to make some cheese mother****a, you know some lettuce, put some green in my pocket"

"I'm in the streets getting some bread!"

Like what is that? sounds like their making a ****ing burger or some ****. And it got me thinking, what's next?

"My pepperoni stack up to the roof nigga!"

"I'm out here making these cookies mother****a! You know, tryin to get some Recess cups!"

Who knows where its gonna lead.

Get your ass up on stage, just that joke alone got me laughing for a good 10 minutes, I'd love to hear what else you have.

 

[RoboSenshi]

I'll post something else later.

 

[b00227783]

"You hear about this new porn movie coming out? It's about an indian, a jew and 2 nerdy guys banging this blonde gal. Title? The Big Gang Bang."

 

[FrisianDude]

"You hear about this new porn movie coming out? It's about an indian, a jew and 2 nerdy guys banging this blonde gal. Title? The Big Gang Bang."

I'd leave.