Dear Marnid

[maw]

Hello and hell to ya. I'm Marnid. Perhaps you know me from Vanilla, and maw's murder mod, but I also get around in a great many mod's, too numerous to mention here.

As a very popular guy, I often get letters asking, "Marnid, how do you do it?" Well, ta be honest, slashing pirates, raiding Khergs, and taking down Dark Knights wasn't a talent I was born with. When I was a kid, I wanted ta be a fireman. Go figure. But in any case, running around helping you noob killer wannabees is my present profession, and I say, when killin's yer job, ya'd best do it right.

The short hairs of it is this: I'm borrowing maw's computer and login to answer some letter and emails I get about myself, my compatriots, and maw's mod (since this IS his thread). So whatever I can do for ya, you pass it on here.

To start it off, I got this letter last week, from an admirer and connoisseur:

Dear Marnid,

Having successfully reached the pinnacle of my profession, I've come to the conclusion I'm in a dead-end job. Throughout my life, I've been a doer, moving fast and hard to get where I am. However, in recent months I came to the conclusion that all I ever do is stand around, waiting for something, anything, to happen.

I never see or hear from my boss. I never seem to get any sleep. Passing out shields and paying off bounty hunters is about all I do. Not that its a bad job - pays good, theres security even if thers no upward mobility. But it nags at me every time some one comes to me: I know, in my heart, theres got to be something else. Something better.

So, Marnid, can you tell me: is it wrong to want more? Should I pursue my real dream of being a dancer, or stay where I'm comfortable? Should I take the greatest challenge, and be like you are, going out to where the steel meets the flesh, and death is but a bolt away?

Awaiting your reply,

Considering Other Not So Tame And Bloodless Lifestyle,
Zendar

***************
Dear CONSTABL,

Even a bloody prick tool of oppression such as yourself in a craphole like Zendar has got to learn to appreciate a few things. God, I hate whiners. Let's address your crybaby complaints according to their importance. Relative importance, I stress.

First, no one can EVER be like me. Don't even think about it. If you even try, I'll kill you, I swear...

Second, as far as staying comfortable or pursuing your dream of being a dancer, you have to understand that if you choose to follow your dream, anywhere you go in Calradia you'll be labelled a *****. Well, maybe not in any of the Swadian cities, since they're more'n likely to toss off their armor and join you in a full fledge musical, like Grease or Annie, but pretty much everyone else will ridicule you. Or kill you. Or ridicule you while killing you.

Wake up, snapperhead. Find another dream, one that involves a woman. And not one of those internet ones. I mean a real woman.

Last, its never wrong ta want more. I want it all the time, and I get it. Ya just gotta have the talent to take it, or, if you don't have any talent, step back and maybe take a smaller bite of life. As my pappy used to say, if you want ta step outside the gates, make sure you know how to swing hard. God, I hated that bastard. I was so glad when that aneurysm finished him off... But I digress.

Look, CONSTABL, snap out of it. Take the times and opportunities at hand. Don't over reach, plan your next move, and when you act, strike hard and fast - at whatever you do. If you do decide to ignore my advice, just be careful who you hook up with. Talentless hacks will get you killed without any thought, and simply skip on back to town and find a replacement. They don't realize that as time goes on, more people will shun them. After all, we all want to succeed, and no one wants to die on some godforsaken hillside, alone.

Finally, I'd say get a life, but it appears you have one already. Appreciate it.

Marnid

Marnid Rhies is a former merchant and full time mercenary, usually drinking in between jobs at the Tavern in Zendar. His newly syndicated column "Dear Marnid" appears throughout Calradia, where he offers succinct, real, and everyday advice to real and everday people. Advice requests can be submitted through maw on this thread, or mailed DEAR MARNID, c/o Happy Boar Tavern, Zendar, Calradia

 

[maw]

Dear Marnid, is it true that you never obey orders?

While fellow famed mercenaries such as Ardenius and others are known for their discipline, you often seem to end up in a big group hug with bandits despite ordered to hold ground and kill them. Are your mannerisms not just a cover for your true wild and crazy manloving lifestyle?

Also, are you sure you understand how to make full use of your polearm? It seems you prefer to prod other men with it in a jolly back and forth fashion rather than killing them. "Couching" is not a term from Kama Sutra, if I recall correctly.

Sincerely,
Worried Under Some Stress

Dear WUSS,

While questions about me like yours are seriously discussed around the campfires and taverns of Calradia, it is my firm belief to address them distracts from real concerns, which are commonly, “Will Marnid kill me today?” and “How can we be as manly as Marnid?”.

While it has been claimed others, as well as Ardenius, are disciplined, in truth the common man, or woman, or someone such as yourself, doesn’t get to see what goes on ‘behind the scenes’. Let’s just say for all his reputation, Ardenius is lucky I don’t splash his brains about. The sloppy pouge. I swear to God, he needs ta stay outta my way, or he’ll get a bolt right up the outflow.

But in any case, your questions about my lifestyle are a tip off, and can lead one but to address what is truly your “between-the-lines” issue: WUSS, it’s OK to be curious. But it is not always good, or healthy, to act on that curiosity. Truly consider whether what you feel is a random urge, or an actual persuasion. Like they say, you can never really go back.

And we all, sometimes, like yourself, wonder about those fast, furious actions involving polearms. Although some would use the old adage, “get in, get out”, I take to heart my dear old pappy’s wisdom, “a slow, steady prodding gets the job done”. That’s why the old bastard never knocked me unconscious, but rather worked me up and down with a stick until I could barely breathe, claiming it would toughen me up.  Although it did, damn - you don’t know how much I relished that his final days were filled with such unending pain that it drove him to madness... But I digress.

WUSS, as far as your knowledge of the Kama Sutra is concerned, to read something and to be able to apply it is a world of difference. I would encourage you, however, to put aside these less-than-manly thoughts of river pirates and me, and finally seek out real companionship, not your present on-line girlfriend (who, I may add, is really Pavlov in disguise).

So, WUSS, to sum up: find yourself, pick a direction, and stay the hell away from me or I’ll kill you.

Sincerely,

Marnid

Marnid Rhies is a former merchant and full time mercenary, usually drinking in between jobs at the Tavern in Zendar. His newly syndicated column "Dear Marnid" appears throughout Calradia, where he offers succinct, real, and everyday advice to real and everday people. He holds  a PhD in Child Psychology as well as Gender studies. Advice requests can be submitted through maw on this thread, or mailed DEAR MARNID, c/o Happy Boar Tavern, Zendar, Calradia

 

[maw]

Dear Marnid,

I need your advice, about relationships.

I fiind that I get involved with 'bad boys' who always end of taking advantage of me, then, when thy're done, try to shake down my father for money. It's been going on as long as I remember, and is one, long repetitious nightmare.

Its starts off simple enough: the guy seems nice, we start dating, we have some laughs. Then, when I meet his friends, it all turns ugly. The next thing I know, the guy becomes violently co-dependant, my dad is sending someone to bring me home, and everyone ends up dead.

So, Marnid, do you have any advice? Is there some way to break this vicious cycle? Can something be done to change this silly girl and her pick of men?

Sincerely,

Doesn't Understand Men this Girl Really Loves

Dear DUMGRL,

Having an attraction for the exciting is not all bad. It's how we channell that attraction that makes it damaging to our psyches (and sometimes to our physical selves). The negative thing, in your case, is the repetitive 'rut' of constantly picking the same kind of bad-boy - one that seems to be using you, as well as your perceived wealth.

Now, in my own experience there are women with your same problem - believe me, I see it all the time - and often, after hearing this kind of thing, I get involved directly, assisting in reuniting the young lady with her father, and convincing the soon-to-be-dead ex-boyfriend its in his best interests to let her lead her own life. The stupid putzes never listen.

As my father used to say, you may not get what you deserve, but you certainly deserve what you get. Usually he said this after taking all my money, tying me to a pole, and leaving me out in the frigid, mountain rain and snow. The bastard. I thought for sure that one day it was over... how someone that drunk could've escaped from a locked, burning barn is beyond me.... but I digress.

In a nutshell, you need to pursue relationships completely opposite you emotional desires - find a nice, quiet town merchant, settle down, have babies and eat lots of chocolate while fantasizing about your wild, younger days. If you're unable to do that, send me your picture. Wearing something small.

I can get into a basketcase with a thrill for the bad-boy.

Until someone comes to get you,

Marnid

Marnid Rhies is a former merchant and full time mercenary, usually drinking in between jobs at the Tavern in Zendar. His newly syndicated column "Dear Marnid" appears throughout Calradia, where he offers succinct, real, and everyday advice to real and everday people. He holds  a PhD in Child Psychology as well as Gender Studies. Recently, he has taken up Tai Chi and accupuncture. Advice requests can be submitted through maw on this thread, or mailed DEAR MARNID, c/o Happy Boar Tavern, Zendar, Calradia

 

[maw]

Dear Marnnid,

Hearing of your exploits (even in this backward festering pustule of a town) and knowing you to be a world traveller, I though maybe you could help me.

Lately I've had a vague feeling of malaise (French for "fart gas").  I only ever see the same four wooden (or occasionally stone) walls, waiting for someone to show up and get their face smashed in as entertainment.  Don't get me wrong - I get a sincere jolt giving archers a sword and swordsmen a bow and sending them out bewildered to public humiliation.  "So what if the others get a horse and a shield and you don't?  It's always whine, whine, whine!  Go out there and give them some BLOOD!"  Bread and Circuses, that's what they want.  The money's good, and the house always wins, but something's missing.

With my experience at telling people what to do, I think I'm command material.  I'm tired of holding the stake for everyone else.  I want to be where the action is, out in the big world!

Sincerely,

Thoroughly Outwitting U Real Noobs Everyday, Yessir!

Dear TOURNEY,

Thank you for the kind comments. I have always been of the opionion that I hadn't recieved enough recognition among the less-than-manly french-word-using crowd, and I can only assume that the involuntary discharges that occur when my name is mentioned in fear and awe are the correct ones.

I did, however, take considerable time in interpreting your concerns, and, after much consideration and reflection, and several drafts of fine Zendar Ale, I have come to certain conclusions that will suprise you.

First, any use of French precludes you from any positive leadership position. I will remind you that in the last 1000 years or so, the only time the French were successful in war was when they were led by Napoleon Bonaparte, a true killer on the grand scale, and worthy of our admiration. He was, however, a Corsican. Not French by a long shot.

Second, although you appear to take great satisfaction in meeting new people, your addiction to giving and receiving beatings publicly can only be described as a fetish - and as you apparently seek financial compensation for it for that extra thrill, like many addictions in order to get that missing 'feeling', the self-abuser has to constantly push the envelope. This however, is damaging to both the psyche and the physiche. You must remember the body and mind has limits. You are pushing yours, so perhaps its time to find a new line of work. I hear the manhunters are always looking for a few good men. Dress nice, put on some make up, and offer a big enough bribe and they may make an exception for you. Knowing that 'manhunter' is actually not a misnomer, I am certain they would. But be careful - remember to practice safe jousting.

Last, your complaint about 'holding the stake' rings hollow. Although innocuous in itself, your draw attention to this obvious use as a double-meaning. Haven't you heard that the dog that barks the loudest...? It appears you are already 'where the action is'. As my old pappy use to say, 'You asked for it, you just hadn't gotten around to actually saying it' as he worked me over with a myriad of wooden practice wepons, continuing long after I'd given up, curled into a whimpering ball, and pausing only to refill his mug and ending only after his arm was tired. The bastard. I celebrated his passing by pouring a bottle of the finest Zendar ale on his grave - after letting it pass through my kidneys... But I digress.

To sum up, TOURNEY, step back from the bondage of this physical abuse and replace it with some less abusive physical bondage, and finally, come to grips with your own internaized feelings of where you really want to be, and who you want to be with.

Just as long as it ain't anywhere I am or wanting to be with me. Because I swear I'll kill you.

Luck to you, Marnid

Marnid Rhies is a former merchant and full time mercenary, usually drinking in between jobs at the Tavern in Zendar. His newly syndicated column "Dear Marnid" appears throughout Calradia, where he offers succinct, real, and everyday advice to real and everday people. He holds  a PhD in Child Psychology as well as Gender Studies. His new book, 'Questions They Were Dying to Ask - True Stories of Calradian Psychology' is soon-to-be released. Advice requests can be submitted through maw on this thread, or mailed DEAR MARNID, c/o Happy Boar Tavern, Zendar, Calradia

 

[Sunhawken]

I'm so confused

 

[maw]

I'm so confused

Dear CONFUSED,

Some find it difficult to get in touch with their feelings, suppressing that which they should embrace.

Often, making that internal decision and taking a firm step foward, what some call "coming out", solidifies that decision and empowers the individual, removing the confusion and replacing it with confidence.

As a young lad, my father instilled confidence in unusual and innovative ways, oftimes causing great upheaval in my life. It was, to say the least, disconcerting to enter a hell-hole of a hovel occupied by a drunk who occaisionally intended to kill me.  Because of this, in later years i had to face my own personal confusion over whether a live prisoner was more valuable that the satisfaction of using a sword. It is called 'transferrance'. Although I mostly avoided any permanant physical damage, it was years after the old sonova***** died a deservedly painful death that I was able to sleep without nightmares, or take a prisoner alive. The bastard... But I digress.

In your case, CONFUSED, get in touch with those feelings, open up, and be honest with who you truly are. And look up Kradus in Zendar. He's into that kind of thing.

Just stay the hell away from me. Cause I swear I'll kill ya.

Peace, Marnid

Marnid Rhies is a former merchant and full time mercenary, usually drinking in between jobs at the Tavern in Zendar. His newly syndicated column "Dear Marnid" appears throughout Calradia, where he offers succinct, real, and everyday advice to real and everday people. He holds  a PhD in Child Psychology as well as Gender Studies. He has appeared on 'Oprah', 'Regis & Kathy Lee', and 'The McNeil-Lehrer Newshour'. Advice requests can be submitted through maw on this thread, or mailed DEAR MARNID, c/o Happy Boar Tavern, Zendar, Calradia

 

[maw]

Dear Marnid

Twincest

Elpolodiablo

Dear Elpolodiablo,

Mirror.

And a towell.

You will never get that lucky.

Marnid