Dating Thread, v. II

Arvenski

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The dating thread hasn't had a post in four months? Jesus Christ, is everybody just using their hands these days? :razz:

Figured I'd post an update on my own dating-related non-adventures: Back in the fall, I finally got my crush's phone number. Yay! That's a weight off my mind; it was pretty frustrating trying to figure out how to date someone when I didn't even have a way of communicating with her directly. At the same time, I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk in the park with me. She seemed to like that idea. I texted her a couple of times to see about meeting up to go for that walk, but both times she said she was busy. (****.) After the second time, I didn't want to seem like a nag, so I left it there and didn't ask again. Her being busy both times did make sense, though, because I was texting her at short notice: I'd text her like early in the afternoon (because with my work, I didn't always know how my day is going to unfold) to see if she wanted to get together later that day, but by that point she'd have already made plans with her parents or her friends. So, partly my fault, but disappointing nonetheless. I've seen her a few times since then, but it's always been when we've both been busy and there've been other people around. I haven't texted her since then; I guess I haven't known what to say or what I should do next.

My initial thinking, earlier in the year, was to keep things between us casual and friendly to start with, and then once we'd had time to get to know each other a bit and the perfect moment presented itself, I'd try to make a romantic move. Now, even though we haven't gotten a chance to spend any significant time alone, I feel like we have gotten to know each other a bit, and I feel like the perfect moment is never going to come along if she doesn't know why I want to spend time with her. I feel like the next time we see each other and there's a few minutes when noone else is around, I should just make a move, try to tell her how I feel about her, and see what she thinks. Does that seem like a sane approach, guys? I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere with her if I don't do something.
 

Kentucky James VII

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I feel like we have gotten to know each other a bit, and I feel like the perfect moment is never going to come along if she doesn't know why I want to spend time with her.
Unless she has severe autism or something she's definitely going to have considered it at some point. Whether or not she wants things to go further is another thing entirely. Just spend more time together and eventually you'll know.

I feel like the next time we see each other and there's a few minutes when noone else is around, I should just make a move, try to tell her how I feel about her, and see what she thinks. Does that seem like a sane approach, guys?
Please for the love of God don't do this. If she isn't feeling it at that particular moment then you just opened up a pandora's box of awkwardness forever.
If you're alone with her at any point you only need to look at her body language to see what she thinks about you. One thing some women do with me is stand just slightly too close, while most other women stand at a normal distance for two strangers or acquaintances. Body language is like a kind of telepathy. There, I just determined which women are currently interested in me without causing an awkward, friendship-destroying void between us.

Just about everyone I know irl who is in a relationship just sort of stumbled into it without trying, rather than confessing their love anime-style. People with compatible personalities just kind of drift together naturally.

Also remember that the friendzone and "nice guy" syndrome don't actually exist and you'll be fine.
 

Arvenski

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I know how she's like around me; she's completely casual. So, I'm thinking she either doesn't know that I'm interested, or she's not interested. So since things aren't "coming together naturally", it seems like I have to try and make something happen. Tip the balance a bit, as it were. Otherwise I'm just going to keep dreaming about her for God knows how much longer, even though nothing will be happening between us.


Honestly, everything to do with girls (and even just making friends my own age) just feels so hopeless sometimes, you know what I mean? And much of it's my own fault, down to my own shortcomings (like shyness). My head feels like such a mess sometimes.
 
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Kentucky James VII

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She's just a disgusting ball of bleeding flesh, there are around 3,500,000,000 more and at least 1,000,000 of them would probably propose to you on sight. Imagine that, an Arvenski harem so large it would dwarf most modern armies. Don't get fixated on one person otherwise you'll drive yourself insane.

A lot of this is probably because you live in buck nowhereville rather than your particular shyness or personality. That stuff can be easily un-learned in different scenarios. If you can find a job or education somewhere in a less isolated area then your life will change completely. And if all else fails, parachute yourself into Russia and tell a local granny how much you enjoy cooking and raising children, and they'll practically get you engaged to their daughter on the spot.

"Khello. My nem iz arvensky vladylovych. I em commander of lift-fork lorry machine. In spere time I cut down tree and go chapel orthodox. Plees locate maiden woman of local I want settle down"
 

Arvenski

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Yeah, you're right. I should probably at least try Tinder or Bumble again, see if I have a bit more luck with them than last time. Maybe the possibility of talking to other girls (even if it doesn't happen), or at least being reminded that there are other hot girls in the area, will make me less fixated on this one (I wouldn't count on it, but it's worth a try). God knows being fixated on this one girl probably isn't doing me any good, but I can't seem to break the cycle (and tbh, I don't think part of me wants to: I always have to have something to dream about, I guess). When I think of girls and romance, I usually think of her. It's like you say, I live in bucknowhereville: I don't know any other available girls, and I'm usually too shy to go looking.

Thanks for talking to me about this stuff, btw. It helps. :smile:
 

MadVader

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That's good advice, not fixating on a single person when things don't look well. In fact, not developing a fixation/crush in the first place is even better.
Instead of throwing yourself at her feet and getting predictably rejected, there are other strategies to get a stronger hint.
Since you are a verbal person, it shouldn't be too hard to dance around the subject, drop hints and watch the reaction, just avoid direct confrontation and keep plausible deniability. Those are the rules of the game.
For example, you could ask about her love life and what kind of person she looks for, then respond with your hopes and preferences. It's best to do this in person, so you could watch the body language and especially the eyes. If it's still not clear, talk about some other girl you are interested in and see the reaction. And so on.
If you have more time and don't need an immediate closure, just spend time together and have fun, without the anxiety of making a move. Play Farming Simulator together or hurl hubcaps or something. :party:
 

Kentucky James VII

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After following madvader's advice:

GREETINGS FEMALE... *sniffffffffff* IS THAT A FAINT MUSK I DETECT...? *hnnnnnnnnrrfff* ARE YOU IN HEAT, MY DEAR? MARVELLOUS...STAND STILL, DARLING...*hnnoooooorf* SUCH A DELICIOUS FRAGRANCE....DELECTIBLE...MAY I..?? *snap* YES, A PHOTOGRAPH FOR MY OWN PERSONAL DATABASE....i'LL BE PUTTING YOU ON THE HALL OF FAME FOR SURE...RAVISHING...GOODBYE, MY BEAUTY....ONE PARTING SNIFF BEFORE I GO? *khnnoooooooooorrrfffff* AH, A MESMERISING AROMA...AU REVOIR, MON PETIT FROMAGE...ADIEU... *sniiffffffffffffffff*
 
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Jock

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I agree with Kentucky James (I don't know who anyone is these days). Not getting fixated on one of the few female acquaintances you have is definitely good advice. Also please tell me that haircut now only exists in the past.

Been very inactive in the dating world myself. Broke up with my girl of five and a half years at the start of September last year, didn't feel like shagging any American college girls (sorry, our women are prettier) and now have a casual fwb thing with a girl I used to work with. Sex is great but not too frequent as we live in different cities. There are girls who I'm interested in but all of them are either friends or would mean me chatting them up completely out of the blue (which I'm fine with but feel no particular reason to). Quite interesting how not interested in a relationship I am right now as well. I just thought maybe I'd be more into casual dating. Maybe it's just a matter of me settling in. Only been back in the country for some six weeks or so.

Also nipple piercings are hot but really impractical when you actually like doing stuff with tits. :sad:
 

Vermillion_Hawk

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I know how she's like around me; she's completely casual. So, I'm thinking she either doesn't know that I'm interested, or she's not interested.
The former doesn't necessarily mean the latter. If she's casual around you that could very well mean that she's really comfortable around you and that's a good basis for a relationship. You seem to really like this girl so my advice is don't give up so easily. You can dive headlong into a relationship if you really want to with dating sites and apps and such, but easing into it slowly has been much more rewarding for myself, at least.

Keep trying to do normal stuff with her like taking walks and hanging out; the fact that she wants to do this stuff with you is good. If it always ends up being that she's busy then it's an obvious sign, but keep trying, (without being annoying of course), and change how you plan things too so that you can be assured that you've got time to spend with her. Fixation is bad, but if you have a connection, I'd say it's better to pursue it (within reason). She's a human as well with thoughts and emotions and if you've been hanging out often she's probably thought about you in the same way at some point, if not currently. My personal (albeit extremely limited) experience as an awkward guy has been that generally women can tell when you like them, and if she's still hanging out with you that's a good thing. Jacob's right in that the friendzone is nonexistent.