Dating Thread, v. I

[ComingWinter]

@JP
One-sided crushes are much like masturbation, but less useful. You obsess over an illusion and suffer.


I needed to hear this so badly today. Thanks.

 

[Úlfheðinn]

I met a very nice female policewoman(whilst I was still  sober), her name was Johanna, we shared a beer(because **** regulations on New Year's Eve) before she had to leave with her colleague(damn you Stockholm natives, why must you do stupid **** when I am trying to make a move!), I think I am in love interested.

Yay for a phone number and contact details!

Alas she lives in Stockholm and I am leaving next week. 

 

[Leifr Eiríksson]

I see it now.

Beer hall putsch under guise of 'she gave me her phone number'.
Take her to Austria.
Prepare for strike and take-over of Kehlsteinhaus.

Swedish domination.

 

[Mulek]

Hi guys and gals, long time no see to most of ya all.

I have a really big problem... I've been dating this girl since the beginning of September, circling around each other some months more... She has been my high school crush, we reunited during the summer and it started almost right away.
I am really in love with her right now and can't imagine living without her. I want to spend almost every breathing moment I can with her - apart from the time I need for myself as an introvertic... It was kinda hard for both of us at the beginning because of her sometimes control freaky phases, but we worked it out. Moreover, we both take anti-depression meds and both went through some **** we had to take therapy to accept.

That being said, lets move to the main issue of the problem. During new years we had our first, short vacations together - a two day visit to Wrocław. We were spending the nights at a hotel where may other young people came to party for the Eve. Everything was going great till the night - I drank more than her and went to sleep much earlier than she wanted to. Being bored and party hungry, after she met some guys twice while smoking (the hotel policy forced people to go outside to have a smoke), she accepted their invitation to their room. She was already heavily drunk and they offered her cocaine - the only drug she enjoys so after not thinking much she accepted. It was probably spiked by something else, cause she got really high for about 6h (normally its more like 2) and her sex drive went through the roof. And here comes the problem - she had sex with one or both of the guys. She doesn't remember clearly.
The morning after as I was expecting what happened from what she told me she was still high and acted very hurtful, not even trying to make up a viable story about what happened. She even kinda joke about it that they wanted to have sex with her and she declined when I said I suspect that something had happened. I was still drunk after not sleeping long so I didn't question her words and we actually did **** the same morning...
After the drugs wore off she was a mess - crying and silent, so I knew what had happened but didn't confront her until she confessed to me.

So there it is - because of the drugs she had sex with someone else and she denied it while still being high and acted very hurtful. Currently I am a wreck and I have no idea what to do next. I can't accept the possibility of us splitting up but I have no idea what to do to fix this.

Note that I don't treat the thing she did as cheating - she says it was all drug induced and I do believe her because I saw how she acted while she still was high and she wasn't herself. I do not know if she wasn't on something alike roofies which could make her easily influenced. Maybe I am treating it badly, but the fact that it was some random guy not an ongoing romance or some **** makes it more acceptable for me.

Since then she is crying all the time, feeling like a whore and trying to make me accept what happened and work it out so we can still be together.

I still love her and I do not know what to do now - I do not want to loose her but I have no idea how it will evolve in the future and how will it influence our relationship.

As for the all the "technical issues", she went for a full check up for STDs and took a morning after pill, so that should not be a problem...

Of course I am blaming myself for drinking too much or even for suggesting the trip in the first place. I know I am not responsible for what she did, but it still ****s with my brain...

To make it a little more ****ed up, she left one of her cell phones in the guys room, so she had to give them an address to send it back. I forced her to give her Mom's, cause the **** they are not getting hers.

 

[PoisonCourtesan]

Get tested for STDs since you had sex with her the morning after.

 

[Mulek]

She got tested so it is impossible for me to get something without her having it, isn't it? (question, not asshattery)

 

[PoisonCourtesan]

It's good to be paranoid with such things.

"Check yourself before you wreck yourself" is the motto.

 

[Mulek]

Yep.

I mean I know to be on a lookout regardless and I will take a HIV test anyway, just to be sure.

 

[Merlkir]

Why are you dating a cocaine user again?

Stupid question.

 

[Mulek]

To answer your stupid question - she is not a frequent user. She didn't do any more than a year before, just sometimes when the mood is right and she has access to it. She doesn't buy it. This is confirmed by our shared friends that knew her more during the years we had virtually no contact and before we even got in touch again, so no reason to doubt it. Especially since they are open about their drug use.

 

[MadocComadrin]

You might want to make the cocaine use the issue then. I mean, she wasn't fully conscientious of what she was doing, it was the laced cocaine.

 

[Mulek]

That is what I am thinking - it wasn't her own will that it happened, but her lack of reason that enabled it to happen. It hurts like hell either way.
I don't think she will use willingly ever again anyway - whether we stay together or not. Let get to a state when you allow one or two complete strangers to **** you must be a terrible thing after you realize what had happened.

She also said that she took two doses - one of what they claimed was cocaine and the other one she thought was the same thing. No idea what was it now. Having studied in Amsterdam she has an expirience of how her body reacts to all the usual drugs, so I am still suspecting they made her take something nobody would take themselves willingly. According to her and our friends (again, I trust this) she doesn't react to other drugs like amph or mdma due to both her own hemistry and due to type of antidepressant she is taking - I am on the same thing so I know it is true according to the leaflets. Didn't try any drugs besides weed myself.

 

[Seff]

And people wonder why I dislike drugs.

I think you're right in thinking that she'll hesitate to ever do coke again - if she doesn't, you should carefully consider if getting a promise out of her saying she'll stay off it forever (don't say "as long as we're together", getting to that in a minute) wouldn't make YOU feel better. Unless you like your girlfriend doing coke, of course, but there's a bit more to this promise than the issue of coke.
If you get her to make you that promise, it'll do several things - YOU will feel like you've drawn a line in the sand, which offers you several things. It marks the limit of what you in the future can tolerate from her in terms of behavior, use, etc - but it also gives you a new starting point, making this a fresh start of sorts. Beyond that, it signifies to yourself that you've done something about this undesirable turn of events - you've acted. No worse feeling that one of being helpless to prevent a bad situation from happening (again).

The promise will mean something to your girlfriend as well. The reason she's in tears all the time right now is that she's mortified about the future of your relationship (at least part of it - depending on how raped she feels). You've been all understanding and trying to mend things prematurely, given that you're still acting like you're in the denial phase of the coping process. To her, it looks like you're going to get much more angry at her at some point, and she fears that it means the end of your relationship when you do. When you sit her down and tell her to make that promise to you, it'll feel like your 'punishment' for her - it'll feel like you've decided that THIS is what she will have to do to make it up to you. She'll eventually be relieved that it wasn't something worse, and if she wants to stay with you (which it very much seems like, given how you've described her actions), she will make a serious effort to keep her promise, and stop fearing the end of the relationship every time she thinks of you.

Make sense?

Why are you dating a cocaine user again?

Stupid question.

Why were you dating an asexual again?

Stupid question.

 

[pentagathus]

Yeah what he said. Also, that really sucks.

 

[MadocComadrin]

I agree with Seff. Likewise, it might be a good idea to get those two guys charged with statuatory rape, assuming the laws work similarly in Mulekia (Mulerica? Mulekistan? The Holy Roman Mulepire? The Serene Mulepublic of Muledova? The Muleid Sultanate? I've been playing too much CK2)

 

[Wellenbrecher]

Wut? She may have been high, but the sex was consensual.
She said so herself.

 

[MadocComadrin]

Generally, the element of conscientiousness is lost when one is high; therefore, it cannot be consensual.

 

[Wellenbrecher]

So ****ing drunk girls can get one sued for rape every single time? Nice.
Almost like Sweden, where "it didn't fell right" can get you in trouble. >.>

 

[MadocComadrin]

Well yes and no. If too drunk people have sex and the girl presses rape charges, the court will probably throw it out (funny thing about that in the states is that the law often specifically mentions females, as if a girl couldn't get a guy drunk or drugged to have their way with him  , but I digress). Laced cocaine on the other hand...

 

[Paula]

So ****ing drunk girls can get one sued for rape every single time? Nice.
Almost like Sweden, where "it didn't fell right" can get you in trouble. >.>

yeah, poor you, having to make sure someone actually wants to be boned by you and isn't just too drunk to notice what a jerk you are.