Custom Swadia Story: Son of Harlaus

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TheSarranid

Regular
(This is a FP story from the side of August, a son of King Harlaus. He was smuggled away at a young age and sent to the Eastern world to study. Harlaus had a watchfu eye, and sent him some adult size armor.)
CHAPTER 1 Ah, Praven. I remember it as I were still here for all my life. I said to my hires assistants who would help me carry my armor. I felt as if I stood out too much. A "Civillian" in Plate Armor, with a Morningstar and a Winged Great Helm. Gauntlets didnt help either. It was dawn. October 29th 1257 to be exact. Then out of nowhere, bandits came. I managed to fight them off. Like it was nothing. I marched into the Castle. After letting the guards take my Morningstar. As I walk in, a echoing voice hits my ears. Clear as crystal, even through this thick Helm. "Who are you?" says King Harlaus, or to me, father. I remember his thick Pravenian (German) accent. Like butter to my ears. "I have come back Father." I say. He looks confused. "What? What is your name?" he says to me in a angered tone. "August, your son, you smuggled me away years ago to keep me safe from the Vaegirs and the Rhodoks. You didnt fail." A wide smile comes across his face. "YOU LIAR! YOU BEGRUDGE OUR KING WITH LIES! HOW COULD YOU! MEN! KILL HIM!" I hear a certian Stamar shout out. Grainwad and my Father look surprised. I see the Red Crosses on their surcoats. One word pops up, "Templar." As if it were part of me, my hidden blade is used. After those two goons, the two Sergants ready their Awlpikes in a effort to help me. I see my Father, Harlaus, and Grainwad reach for their swords. Count Stamar goes for my father. He has his sword pointed at his neck. As the two Swadian Sergants go slowly for him, I rush in and tackle him, sticking my blade into his neck. "Well, that was easy." I say. Harlaus looks overjoyed to see me. "I thought you were dead! I though something like a Crusade or a plauge would do you in. But I guess you proved me wrong! Welcome home, my son." "Well, Crusades, no. Plauge, no. Him...." I point to Stamar. "Not at all." "Good." "Well. You just got back. I think you need to go explore Praven for the rest of the day. Ill come with you." And so we do.
 
interesting. oddly enough, i have something similar occuring in  my game. i wonder if i can link the story i got there to the one you have so far, with your permission?
 
Itll be  out later this week. Heres a sneak peak: The Sarranids, Swadians, Nords, and Khergits come together to fight off the Vaegirs and Rhodoks. And all the main characters....(Emir Biliya, Lakhem, Sultan Hakim, Count Grainwad, Sebula Noyan, Jarl Faarnm King Harlaus, King Ragnar, Sanjar Khan, etc...and well....thats for me to know and you to find out.)
 
CHAPTER 2: Recs. After a day of scouting Praven, a guard comes up to me saying that father needs me. I walk to the castle, and go inside. I see a sight. Many people, men and women, lined up. Waiting to serve me. I also see my father, Harlaus, with Sanjar Khan, King Ragnar, and Sultan Hakim. I ask my father why all thse people are here. "Well, those people lined up are here to help. The other monarchs we have teamed up with to end the endless wars. Thanks to Hakims idea. He also suggested adding some bandits to help scout and damage their economy. They also serve well as guards." "Well." I say "I want all of you to tell me your names." I hear them go in order: "Alayen! Artimenner! Baheshtur! Borcha! Bunduk! Deshavi! Firentis! Jeremus! Katrin! Klethi! Lezalit! Marnid! Matheld! Nizar! Rolf! Ymira! Kradus! Dranton! Xerina! Rodrigonde Braganca! Usiatra! Hegen! Konrad! Sverre! Borislav! Stavros! Gamara! Aethrod! Zaira! Argo Sendar!" Says the crowd. "Well, do my ears and eyes decieve me, or do I stand in front of the most liked and infamous people in all of Calradia?" I say. "Pick a advisor." Says Sanjar Khan. "I choose Kradus." I say. Kradus speaks up. "Good choice. Even though Im old, Im not stupid. Though I doubt it would be different for picking anyone else." "Its good to see you again signore!" Says a happy Rodrigo. "You know him?" Says Matheld. "Yes. When I was yound he was a tudor of mine. Good man. Good man. Im surpriesed at what he did. Most wanted bandit in Rhodok lands." I say. "Well, Id like to interview you all. Come. Alayen, youre first." "Very well, my Lord." he says.
 
Why don't you use commas. It is clunky if you don't. You should use them more often. Maybe Semicolons. Work on segues.

Just kidding, but you should format your writing more and try to use less periods; for it serves only to fragment the story if every new point is given its own sentence. You should try to use more segues as well since it reads more like a series of non sequiturs than a coherent narrative if scenes/monologues aren't introduced/ended properly.

Am I being a **** lol
 
Please break up your story into paragraphs. That huge wall of text hurts my eyes.

And please for the love of Swadia, dont forget to feast!
 
CHAPTER 3: The Beginning. One week. One long, long week spent interveiwing all of them. Marnids a Merchant, Konrads a mercenary, ugh. To many names, places, and stories to remember. I go to see my father. "Good to see you son!" He says. "What is it father?" I say. "Well, weve assigned some nobles to help you end this war." Says King Ragnar. "And who are they?" I say. Sebula Noyan, Emir Lakhem, Jarl Faarn, and Count Grainwad all step towards me. "Us." Says Lakhem. "Ah. Good." I say. Sultan Hakim walks up to me. "Yes, my Lord?" I say. "No child, please call me Hakim." He says. "Well Hakim, what is it?" I say. "Weve gotten some defected Lords to help you fromt he inside. The spy we have on the Rhodoks now is Count Estroq. And fpr the Vaegirs, it is Boyar Valishin and Crashak. Not to mention some Ladies fron them. Use them wisley." Says Hakim. "Well, lets go. Were besieging Dramug Castle first." I say. I rally the troops and we go.
 
I might be a **** for saying this but whenever someone talks start a new paragraph, it might assist in people reading your story.
 
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