Phean
Sergeant
I've made it a hobby, that when I notice a person is clearly listening into a conversation I am having in a coffeehouse, to say something mildly alarming, so as to enjoy their reaction. However, my list has gotten shorter as I forget them, and I would like a few new gems. You all seem to be a good, quick witted bunch, so I thought I could either spread the love, or get a few new ones, or both, or chased out of the community with torches. Or all of the above, whatever is funnier. Note: the point is to cause a mild, but funny, reaction, not incite a riot or get arrested.
My current favorites:
1 ) Contagious? Contagious as hell is what the doctor said, yeah, you might want to go get tested, it's apparently airborne.
(Not currently cool considering the H1N1 virus panic.)
2 ) So really, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.
(Lewis Black classic.)
3 ) The weird part is, it wasn't until I saw her get into her car that I realized that she was the one stalking me for the last month. Of course I still sold her my guitar, I needed the money!
4 ) No, it really doesn't matter how you market it dude, Herpes is not a lifestyle.
5 ) I don't care if it was a cute gesture, your mother giving us six cans of whipped cream was creepy.
6 ) You know throwing money at the problem is just an expression, right? Clearly not... (Best done while friend jams currency into your clothing, bonus
points for coinage.)
7 ) I challenge you to find me a problem that fire won't solve.
8 ) You were paid to break two kneecaps, not one, two! I don't care if the other leg was a prosthetic, break the bastard!
9 ) So I get cut a little... Crazy chicks need love too. It's not like I'm anemic or anything...
10 )
11 ) Well, if I remember the ritual correctly, you stand facing sacred south, repeat the sacred chant, then go to the guy's house and stab him in the face nine times with the sacred dagger. The gods will take care of the rest.
12 ) Yeah, I really don't care if it's a delicacy in some countries, her name was fluffy, and she was my wife.
13 ) What part of furious masturbation makes you think you were invited?
14 ) Dude, you mind if we hit a liquor store? I need to get the taste of weed and hooker spit out of my mouth.
Edit: Thought I should compile my own...
My current favorites:
1 ) Contagious? Contagious as hell is what the doctor said, yeah, you might want to go get tested, it's apparently airborne.
(Not currently cool considering the H1N1 virus panic.)
2 ) So really, if it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.
(Lewis Black classic.)
3 ) The weird part is, it wasn't until I saw her get into her car that I realized that she was the one stalking me for the last month. Of course I still sold her my guitar, I needed the money!
4 ) No, it really doesn't matter how you market it dude, Herpes is not a lifestyle.
5 ) I don't care if it was a cute gesture, your mother giving us six cans of whipped cream was creepy.
6 ) You know throwing money at the problem is just an expression, right? Clearly not... (Best done while friend jams currency into your clothing, bonus
points for coinage.)
7 ) I challenge you to find me a problem that fire won't solve.
8 ) You were paid to break two kneecaps, not one, two! I don't care if the other leg was a prosthetic, break the bastard!
9 ) So I get cut a little... Crazy chicks need love too. It's not like I'm anemic or anything...
10 )
11 ) Well, if I remember the ritual correctly, you stand facing sacred south, repeat the sacred chant, then go to the guy's house and stab him in the face nine times with the sacred dagger. The gods will take care of the rest.
12 ) Yeah, I really don't care if it's a delicacy in some countries, her name was fluffy, and she was my wife.
13 ) What part of furious masturbation makes you think you were invited?
14 ) Dude, you mind if we hit a liquor store? I need to get the taste of weed and hooker spit out of my mouth.
Edit: Thought I should compile my own...
I was waiting for you to post here.
