Crazy Eyes
Recruit
DO NOT SEE THE DOOM MOVIE. I REPEAT, DO NOT SEE THE DOOM MOVIE. THIS IS NOT AN INVALID OPINION. DO NOT SEE THE DOOM MOVIE.
Note: I apologize for the frequent cursing, but this movie just SUCKED SO MUCH ASS.
I'm going to tell you why this ****ing sucks. If you don't know what the game "Doom" is (unlikely), you MIGHT, MIGHT enjoy it. If you know ANYTHING about Doom, you'll LOATHE THE **** OUT OF IT.
I've offered a short explanation and a long one.
SHORT ANSWER:
----------------------
Exactly (I mean, EXACTLY) like Resident Evil, only on Mars. And with the Rock, who says the f-bomb a lot. And a BFG, which looks like it shoots a gigantic glob of blue snot. That's about it. NO HELL INVOLVED.
LONG ANSWER:
----------------------
Okay, so here's the ****. The Horsemaster (Karl Urban, who is also Eomer, nephew of the King of Rohan in LOTR, who Gimli refers to as "Horsemaster") is the "Doom Guy". The Rock is your stereotypical uptight Sergeant who gets the BFG. There are around four or five other marines, but nobody ****ing cares. One's a dip**** with a smart attitude (I think his name is either "Korbin" or "Portman", couldn't understand), there's some retarded "new kid", who got high in the heat of battle (no joke), and there's two brothers (black dudes), one with a chaingun. Finally, there's some bald Christian (he cuts a cross into his freaking wrist) white guy. THEY ALL DIE, of course. They even give the Doom Guy a name (John "Reaper" Grimm), which should be against the goddamn law. There's also an Asian guy (one of the first to die), who guards the "Ark", or some blob-like teleporter that sends people to Mars, along with "Pinky", some guy who was one of the first to try the Ark, as half of his body was lost in space and he was moving around in an automatic wheelchair.
Now, for the story. Don't worry, you aren't missing anything -- this movie does suck tons of balls. I assure you it is total fact. The story has NO LINK to the game at all, except for the fact that it's on Mars, and you kill things. NO LINK. Doom is a simple story. Scientists are experimenting with the possibility of teleportation, which apperently has recently been invented, and then when they use the teleporter, it goes through a dimension which is Hell, and you know what happens there. I don't know HOW THEY MANAGED TO **** IT UP.
The marines have orders to kill anything hostile, investigate, and secure any UAC data, which is why the Doom Guy's scientific sister is helping them out. Before the marines were ordered in, there was a call for help from a certain Dr. Carmack. He was trapped in a room, with the door sealed, and this whiney ***** was running behind him screaming "DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR OMFGGGGGGZZZZ". Guess what he does? Closes the door. On her forearm, which gets wrenched off. He then logs on to the computer and says that there's a level five breach, and to send some help. So far, so good.
The sister is working on stuff in a lab while the marines kill things. They find Carmack, who is all bloody, especially around the neck, and quivering like MAD. D. Guy's Sister (Samantha) comes near him and he freaks out like she's going to attack him. She takes him back to the lab to find out what the hell is going on. He was also holding that girl's forearm, which they also take. Meanwhile the Rock and some other black marine find the weapons lab. He sees a schematic of the BFG (in the corner, "BIG FORCE GUN". Lame.) on a computer, and tries to go in to the advanced weapon room, but there's a DNA handprint lock which doesn't take his sweaty ass hand. So far, so good. By the way, the Asian guy has died somehow. Pinky is alive.
Then a few marines (they had split up, one brother guards Sam, one brother goes with the Rock to the weapon lab, the rest go with D. Guy to investigate) come across a bunch of little cute caged cats and dogs. Later, after they found Carmack, the animals are gone, and there are body parts and **** hanging on the cages. Then they turn and see a zombie (first monster appearance, yay) who has his back turned to them, and seems to be eating stuff on a counter. Yeah, you can figure out what he's eating. He turns towards the marines and bites off half of a rat's body and chews. After finishing his mouthful, he picks up some kind of surgical saw-knife and runs at them screaming. Bang, dead, killed by the D. Guy himself. Still good.
Some time later the marines follow some monster that they got a glimpse of into a sewer. It looked a hell of a lot like an Imp, and if it wasn't, me and my dad didn't know what the hell it was. They start walking around, all cautious, blah blah blah, then the Christian white guy's flashlight goes out, and a pseudo-Imp comes out of the wall and ****ing STICKS HIS TONGUE IN HIS NECK. The tongue falls out and goes away. His neck is bleeding like crazy, a lot like Carmack's neck. I'm like, "Okay... what the **** was that? I hope that wasn't the Imp." There were no fireballs involved in this incident, so I tried to assume it wasn't. The new kid had taken those pills earlier because he's so damn nervous, and the D. Guy notices his dilated pupils and gets angry at him for it. So far, kind of shaky. Also, somewhere in this period, Carmack had disappeared from Sam's lab. Later, he rushes back at her as a pseudo-Imp, and then Duke makes it back inside in time, and the "nano-wall" (wall made of tiny particles that can go from solid to a sort of liquid which can be passed through) is closed right on Carmack-Imp. He spits his tongue out in defiance, and it just falls on the floor. Oooo.....kay....
The Christian white dude is at Sam's lab, in a body bag. Sarge, who also comes there, reveals some kind of hideous human body, which looks like it's totally charred everywhere. Sam decides to perform an autopsy on it and removes the body parts while Duke (the brother guarding Sam) watches. Later, the body bag is ripped open, but Mr. White Dude is in a sealed room with strong viewing glass, so his dumb zombie ass literally bangs his head against the glass until he dies... again. Oh, I almost forgot. The other brother ("Destroyer", who has a chaingun) pisses off Portman early in the movie by showing him a holding cell. Portman doesn't understand, because there are no visible bars or walls keeping anything from getting out. "Touch it," Destroyer says, and Portman gets a nasty jolt from an invisible forcefield. "You're an *******," Portman says.
This is important because Destroyer is now with the Rock, and he pushes off a grate in the celing to check inside. He stands on a tank full of gas and pokes his head up, and a monkey pops up in his face and he freaks out, falls down, and sprays the celing. The Rock does the same. When they're done, the Rock says, "What was that?" and Destroyer says, "A monkey." Cue the audience laughing. Then, in some way I can't exactly remember for some reason, a Hell Knight takes Destroyer inside the holding cell, where they basically duel it out. This was actually a pretty cool scene. The Hell Knight holds Destroyer to the wall (also electrifyed) and he manages to pull out his knife and stab the Knight in the chest, which stuns and surpises him enough to get free. Then, using some really huge pipe/pole/cylinder object he pins the Knight to the electrical wall, stunning him for some time while Destroyer climbs a chain to escape. The Knight gathers enough self-control to knock the pole away, though, and then yanks the chain down and murders Destroyer. That pumped me and my dad's doubts away, or at least for a while.
Meanwhile, or something (I can't remember when exactly this happens but it's after Mr. White Dude dies) the Rock takes the severed forearm to the advanced weapons lab, opens it, and lo and behold, there is the Big ****ing Gun. "Big ****ing Gun," Rock confirms, then takes the behemoth in his arms. "Oh, ****," he says in amazement of the sheer size. Portman, being a loser, has to take a dump (he says this to Destroyer). He ends up getting on his own, and in the bathroom, taking a ****. All is peaceful for some time. Then evantually some pseudo-Imp grabs him from above, and the Rock comes in, among the rest of the squad, and blasts his BFG. The entire toilet stall is turned into smoking blue snot. "Holy ****," he said.
Now some Hollywood douche decides to take a gigantic **** on the script, depriving almost all of the coolness of the movie, except for one part which I will get later. The research lab on Mars is an archaelogical research lab. They had found some humanoid skeletons, of a mother which Sam called Lucy, and her protecting her baby. The genetic makeup of Lucy and her baby is odd, because it has 24 pairs of chromosomes, not 23, like normal humans. "So what's the 24th pair do?" D. Guy asks. "Make them superhuman," said Sam. Now, when she was examining the dead zombie bodies, she discovers that they do indeed have 24 pairs of chromosomes. This is confusing to her... because why would Lucy become a superhuman, kindhearted soul that was protecting her baby instead of an ugly whore that eats rats? HMMMMMMMMM. Turns out something breached the Ark door with a chainsaw or something and chased Pinky through the Ark (all the marines gave him was a pistol and a grenade...). Everyone on the Ark lab on Earth is dead, or alive and infected (but they're seemingly harmless, and just want some help. They don't know that they're infected themselves, of course.) D. Guy hears this, and he really has to go before the quarentine lockdown that the marines set up on Mars goes off in 5 minutes, but Sam says to give her 10 seconds to explain something.
She had two pieces of brain matter on her desk of the dead marines. I can't remember which was which, I think one was Destroyer and the other was Portman or some ****. Doesn't matter. She shows him by dropping a 24th chromosome on one. It violently snaps at her. She puts it on the other. It does nothing. She says the second one is choosing which way to go, while the first reflects a violent personality and would become a hideous zombie. There is a psychological difference. Umm... kay... whatever? Portal now. They go. We start to feel doubt heavier than ever.
The New Kid is ordered by Sarge (Rock, of course) to clear out a sector of the lab, and kill anyone there. ANYONE. He finds a bunch of alive people holed up, including children. A woman says, "Please... can you help us?" So, anyone with a conscience just doesn't do that, and the Kid lowers his gun, goes to the Sarge, and says "There's about 20 people over there!"
"Did you clear it out?"
"No, I told them to stay put."
"Kid, we need to clear any threat here. Go back and clear that room out."
The Kid lowers his head, and slowly shakes a no.
The Rock gets angry, and says, "You WILL take a direct order from your commanding officer."
The Kid pauses for a brief moment, then says quietly, "No, I can't do that."
Sarge shoots him in the ****ing face. Yeah, that'll teach him for having a soul, defiant little prick.
The squad is like, "WTF??" and goes ape****. Sarge says that mutiny is punishable by death. What. EVER. LAME.
Around this point or so, Pinky comes out of a dark corner and says, "Thank God you guys came after me! The one just came through and killed everyone... wait, there's one right behind me isn't there?" Sure enough, some Hell Knight grabs him and runs off. Then the entire rest of the facility goes ape**** and attacks the squad of marines as zombies. Evantually, they get inside ("they" being the D. Guy and Sam and Duke), through a nano-wall, and Sarge is struggling about half-way through the wall. The D. Guy stares at him darkly and lets him get raped up the ass by zombies and pseudo-Imps. Sam tries to close the wall, but it won't close. Duke and D. Guy start spraying at the gigantic crowd of zombies. I think Duke dies or something, doesn't matter. The wall closes evantually, and the D. Guy accidently shoots one last shot at the solid nano-wall, which ricochets and shoots himself. LAME ASS. Sam lays him against the wall and examines the wound and whatever, then takes out a 24th chromosome in a syringe. Basically he'd either be superhuman or an ugly ass zombie. But she's like all faithful and ****, and gives him the shot, and then he falls down unconscious. IN CASE YOU HAVE NOT NOTICED BY NOW, THIS OBVIOUSLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ****ING HELL. THERE ARE ALSO NO FIREBALLS, NOT EVEN THROWN BY THE "IMPS" OR HELL KNIGHTS.
When he wakes up about the coolest part of the movie begins -- the first-person shooter sequence. I admit, that did kick ass. He wakes up, calls for Sam, who isn't there (you're already looking through his eyes exactly) then looks in the mirror. His wounds are healed and his face actually seems to look more bad-ass. Taking his gun, he leaves and comes out in to the lobby, which is just full of zombies. He shoots them all dead, and even looks through the scope and gets three headshots. Then he comes into a dark hallway, and a Hell Knight comes out. He shoots it a few times, then it runs around a corner. D. Guy follows, shoots him a few times, then, noticing a gas tank next to him, blasts that and the Hell Knight just becomes one gigantic flaming loser, and proceeds to die. After killing some more fake Imps and stuff, he comes into the room where he meets Pinky, who is modelled after the Doom III Pinky demon (the big demon with bionic legs who crawls on all fours and looks like a gigantic bulldog with no eyes). He drops his gun and has to use a chainsaw which is nearby. His head is moving so fast you can barely tell what the hell is going on, except when it dies, you can see that the big demon is only a front half, and the back is made up of Pinky's bionic wheelchair, revealing something to the audience. This was cool, but me and my dad were really hoping that the 24th chromosome would be BERSERKER mode (powerup in Doom that makes you gib everything with one or two fist punches). Finally he comes somewhere where he needs to fight Sarge, which is just so ****ing lame it does not bear explaining at all. It's supposed to be the "Sarge" from Doom III, where your CO (as a marine) is killed and zombified, only he has a huge ass half-track for legs and uses a BFG. The Rock only had 1 round which he wasted at the beginning because D. Guy dodges it. He takes Sam, they go home. THE ****ING END.
___________________________________________________
SUMMARY: No hell. No fireballs. Only 4 Doom enemies : Pinky, zombie, Imp and Hell Knight. ****, I was really hoping for a Revenant. Revenants are AWESOME. I almost forgot, THERE IS NO ****ING CYBERDEMON. I'm not kidding. I was REALLY looking forward to Karl Urban looking up between the Cyberdemon's legs like in the last level of Doom III, with that HILARIOUS look on his face which says out loud, "I think I just shat myself." If you don't know about the Almighty Cyberdemon, it's the biggest enemy in Doom. (Final boss in Doom III, toughest enemy in Doom I, second to toughest next to the new Spider Mastermind, which can actually be debated, in Doom II.) I don't know how they managed to replace a gateway to Hell with a pair of chromosomes. There's also only 3 weapons. Two actually, because one is some gay assault rifle that isn't actually in Doom. The others are chaingun and BFG. Well, 3 if you count the pistol, but the pistol sucks ass in Doom and always will. Oooohhh. Not even a ****in' plasma rifle or shotty? COME ON. And the BFG shoots blue snot, no doubt about it. Extremely disappointing. My rating is Absolute Dog **** out of a possible 10.
Note: I apologize for the frequent cursing, but this movie just SUCKED SO MUCH ASS.
I'm going to tell you why this ****ing sucks. If you don't know what the game "Doom" is (unlikely), you MIGHT, MIGHT enjoy it. If you know ANYTHING about Doom, you'll LOATHE THE **** OUT OF IT.
I've offered a short explanation and a long one.
SHORT ANSWER:
----------------------
Exactly (I mean, EXACTLY) like Resident Evil, only on Mars. And with the Rock, who says the f-bomb a lot. And a BFG, which looks like it shoots a gigantic glob of blue snot. That's about it. NO HELL INVOLVED.
LONG ANSWER:
----------------------
Okay, so here's the ****. The Horsemaster (Karl Urban, who is also Eomer, nephew of the King of Rohan in LOTR, who Gimli refers to as "Horsemaster") is the "Doom Guy". The Rock is your stereotypical uptight Sergeant who gets the BFG. There are around four or five other marines, but nobody ****ing cares. One's a dip**** with a smart attitude (I think his name is either "Korbin" or "Portman", couldn't understand), there's some retarded "new kid", who got high in the heat of battle (no joke), and there's two brothers (black dudes), one with a chaingun. Finally, there's some bald Christian (he cuts a cross into his freaking wrist) white guy. THEY ALL DIE, of course. They even give the Doom Guy a name (John "Reaper" Grimm), which should be against the goddamn law. There's also an Asian guy (one of the first to die), who guards the "Ark", or some blob-like teleporter that sends people to Mars, along with "Pinky", some guy who was one of the first to try the Ark, as half of his body was lost in space and he was moving around in an automatic wheelchair.
Now, for the story. Don't worry, you aren't missing anything -- this movie does suck tons of balls. I assure you it is total fact. The story has NO LINK to the game at all, except for the fact that it's on Mars, and you kill things. NO LINK. Doom is a simple story. Scientists are experimenting with the possibility of teleportation, which apperently has recently been invented, and then when they use the teleporter, it goes through a dimension which is Hell, and you know what happens there. I don't know HOW THEY MANAGED TO **** IT UP.
The marines have orders to kill anything hostile, investigate, and secure any UAC data, which is why the Doom Guy's scientific sister is helping them out. Before the marines were ordered in, there was a call for help from a certain Dr. Carmack. He was trapped in a room, with the door sealed, and this whiney ***** was running behind him screaming "DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR OMFGGGGGGZZZZ". Guess what he does? Closes the door. On her forearm, which gets wrenched off. He then logs on to the computer and says that there's a level five breach, and to send some help. So far, so good.
The sister is working on stuff in a lab while the marines kill things. They find Carmack, who is all bloody, especially around the neck, and quivering like MAD. D. Guy's Sister (Samantha) comes near him and he freaks out like she's going to attack him. She takes him back to the lab to find out what the hell is going on. He was also holding that girl's forearm, which they also take. Meanwhile the Rock and some other black marine find the weapons lab. He sees a schematic of the BFG (in the corner, "BIG FORCE GUN". Lame.) on a computer, and tries to go in to the advanced weapon room, but there's a DNA handprint lock which doesn't take his sweaty ass hand. So far, so good. By the way, the Asian guy has died somehow. Pinky is alive.
Then a few marines (they had split up, one brother guards Sam, one brother goes with the Rock to the weapon lab, the rest go with D. Guy to investigate) come across a bunch of little cute caged cats and dogs. Later, after they found Carmack, the animals are gone, and there are body parts and **** hanging on the cages. Then they turn and see a zombie (first monster appearance, yay) who has his back turned to them, and seems to be eating stuff on a counter. Yeah, you can figure out what he's eating. He turns towards the marines and bites off half of a rat's body and chews. After finishing his mouthful, he picks up some kind of surgical saw-knife and runs at them screaming. Bang, dead, killed by the D. Guy himself. Still good.
Some time later the marines follow some monster that they got a glimpse of into a sewer. It looked a hell of a lot like an Imp, and if it wasn't, me and my dad didn't know what the hell it was. They start walking around, all cautious, blah blah blah, then the Christian white guy's flashlight goes out, and a pseudo-Imp comes out of the wall and ****ing STICKS HIS TONGUE IN HIS NECK. The tongue falls out and goes away. His neck is bleeding like crazy, a lot like Carmack's neck. I'm like, "Okay... what the **** was that? I hope that wasn't the Imp." There were no fireballs involved in this incident, so I tried to assume it wasn't. The new kid had taken those pills earlier because he's so damn nervous, and the D. Guy notices his dilated pupils and gets angry at him for it. So far, kind of shaky. Also, somewhere in this period, Carmack had disappeared from Sam's lab. Later, he rushes back at her as a pseudo-Imp, and then Duke makes it back inside in time, and the "nano-wall" (wall made of tiny particles that can go from solid to a sort of liquid which can be passed through) is closed right on Carmack-Imp. He spits his tongue out in defiance, and it just falls on the floor. Oooo.....kay....
The Christian white dude is at Sam's lab, in a body bag. Sarge, who also comes there, reveals some kind of hideous human body, which looks like it's totally charred everywhere. Sam decides to perform an autopsy on it and removes the body parts while Duke (the brother guarding Sam) watches. Later, the body bag is ripped open, but Mr. White Dude is in a sealed room with strong viewing glass, so his dumb zombie ass literally bangs his head against the glass until he dies... again. Oh, I almost forgot. The other brother ("Destroyer", who has a chaingun) pisses off Portman early in the movie by showing him a holding cell. Portman doesn't understand, because there are no visible bars or walls keeping anything from getting out. "Touch it," Destroyer says, and Portman gets a nasty jolt from an invisible forcefield. "You're an *******," Portman says.
This is important because Destroyer is now with the Rock, and he pushes off a grate in the celing to check inside. He stands on a tank full of gas and pokes his head up, and a monkey pops up in his face and he freaks out, falls down, and sprays the celing. The Rock does the same. When they're done, the Rock says, "What was that?" and Destroyer says, "A monkey." Cue the audience laughing. Then, in some way I can't exactly remember for some reason, a Hell Knight takes Destroyer inside the holding cell, where they basically duel it out. This was actually a pretty cool scene. The Hell Knight holds Destroyer to the wall (also electrifyed) and he manages to pull out his knife and stab the Knight in the chest, which stuns and surpises him enough to get free. Then, using some really huge pipe/pole/cylinder object he pins the Knight to the electrical wall, stunning him for some time while Destroyer climbs a chain to escape. The Knight gathers enough self-control to knock the pole away, though, and then yanks the chain down and murders Destroyer. That pumped me and my dad's doubts away, or at least for a while.
Meanwhile, or something (I can't remember when exactly this happens but it's after Mr. White Dude dies) the Rock takes the severed forearm to the advanced weapons lab, opens it, and lo and behold, there is the Big ****ing Gun. "Big ****ing Gun," Rock confirms, then takes the behemoth in his arms. "Oh, ****," he says in amazement of the sheer size. Portman, being a loser, has to take a dump (he says this to Destroyer). He ends up getting on his own, and in the bathroom, taking a ****. All is peaceful for some time. Then evantually some pseudo-Imp grabs him from above, and the Rock comes in, among the rest of the squad, and blasts his BFG. The entire toilet stall is turned into smoking blue snot. "Holy ****," he said.
Now some Hollywood douche decides to take a gigantic **** on the script, depriving almost all of the coolness of the movie, except for one part which I will get later. The research lab on Mars is an archaelogical research lab. They had found some humanoid skeletons, of a mother which Sam called Lucy, and her protecting her baby. The genetic makeup of Lucy and her baby is odd, because it has 24 pairs of chromosomes, not 23, like normal humans. "So what's the 24th pair do?" D. Guy asks. "Make them superhuman," said Sam. Now, when she was examining the dead zombie bodies, she discovers that they do indeed have 24 pairs of chromosomes. This is confusing to her... because why would Lucy become a superhuman, kindhearted soul that was protecting her baby instead of an ugly whore that eats rats? HMMMMMMMMM. Turns out something breached the Ark door with a chainsaw or something and chased Pinky through the Ark (all the marines gave him was a pistol and a grenade...). Everyone on the Ark lab on Earth is dead, or alive and infected (but they're seemingly harmless, and just want some help. They don't know that they're infected themselves, of course.) D. Guy hears this, and he really has to go before the quarentine lockdown that the marines set up on Mars goes off in 5 minutes, but Sam says to give her 10 seconds to explain something.
She had two pieces of brain matter on her desk of the dead marines. I can't remember which was which, I think one was Destroyer and the other was Portman or some ****. Doesn't matter. She shows him by dropping a 24th chromosome on one. It violently snaps at her. She puts it on the other. It does nothing. She says the second one is choosing which way to go, while the first reflects a violent personality and would become a hideous zombie. There is a psychological difference. Umm... kay... whatever? Portal now. They go. We start to feel doubt heavier than ever.
The New Kid is ordered by Sarge (Rock, of course) to clear out a sector of the lab, and kill anyone there. ANYONE. He finds a bunch of alive people holed up, including children. A woman says, "Please... can you help us?" So, anyone with a conscience just doesn't do that, and the Kid lowers his gun, goes to the Sarge, and says "There's about 20 people over there!"
"Did you clear it out?"
"No, I told them to stay put."
"Kid, we need to clear any threat here. Go back and clear that room out."
The Kid lowers his head, and slowly shakes a no.
The Rock gets angry, and says, "You WILL take a direct order from your commanding officer."
The Kid pauses for a brief moment, then says quietly, "No, I can't do that."
Sarge shoots him in the ****ing face. Yeah, that'll teach him for having a soul, defiant little prick.
The squad is like, "WTF??" and goes ape****. Sarge says that mutiny is punishable by death. What. EVER. LAME.
Around this point or so, Pinky comes out of a dark corner and says, "Thank God you guys came after me! The one just came through and killed everyone... wait, there's one right behind me isn't there?" Sure enough, some Hell Knight grabs him and runs off. Then the entire rest of the facility goes ape**** and attacks the squad of marines as zombies. Evantually, they get inside ("they" being the D. Guy and Sam and Duke), through a nano-wall, and Sarge is struggling about half-way through the wall. The D. Guy stares at him darkly and lets him get raped up the ass by zombies and pseudo-Imps. Sam tries to close the wall, but it won't close. Duke and D. Guy start spraying at the gigantic crowd of zombies. I think Duke dies or something, doesn't matter. The wall closes evantually, and the D. Guy accidently shoots one last shot at the solid nano-wall, which ricochets and shoots himself. LAME ASS. Sam lays him against the wall and examines the wound and whatever, then takes out a 24th chromosome in a syringe. Basically he'd either be superhuman or an ugly ass zombie. But she's like all faithful and ****, and gives him the shot, and then he falls down unconscious. IN CASE YOU HAVE NOT NOTICED BY NOW, THIS OBVIOUSLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ****ING HELL. THERE ARE ALSO NO FIREBALLS, NOT EVEN THROWN BY THE "IMPS" OR HELL KNIGHTS.
When he wakes up about the coolest part of the movie begins -- the first-person shooter sequence. I admit, that did kick ass. He wakes up, calls for Sam, who isn't there (you're already looking through his eyes exactly) then looks in the mirror. His wounds are healed and his face actually seems to look more bad-ass. Taking his gun, he leaves and comes out in to the lobby, which is just full of zombies. He shoots them all dead, and even looks through the scope and gets three headshots. Then he comes into a dark hallway, and a Hell Knight comes out. He shoots it a few times, then it runs around a corner. D. Guy follows, shoots him a few times, then, noticing a gas tank next to him, blasts that and the Hell Knight just becomes one gigantic flaming loser, and proceeds to die. After killing some more fake Imps and stuff, he comes into the room where he meets Pinky, who is modelled after the Doom III Pinky demon (the big demon with bionic legs who crawls on all fours and looks like a gigantic bulldog with no eyes). He drops his gun and has to use a chainsaw which is nearby. His head is moving so fast you can barely tell what the hell is going on, except when it dies, you can see that the big demon is only a front half, and the back is made up of Pinky's bionic wheelchair, revealing something to the audience. This was cool, but me and my dad were really hoping that the 24th chromosome would be BERSERKER mode (powerup in Doom that makes you gib everything with one or two fist punches). Finally he comes somewhere where he needs to fight Sarge, which is just so ****ing lame it does not bear explaining at all. It's supposed to be the "Sarge" from Doom III, where your CO (as a marine) is killed and zombified, only he has a huge ass half-track for legs and uses a BFG. The Rock only had 1 round which he wasted at the beginning because D. Guy dodges it. He takes Sam, they go home. THE ****ING END.
___________________________________________________
SUMMARY: No hell. No fireballs. Only 4 Doom enemies : Pinky, zombie, Imp and Hell Knight. ****, I was really hoping for a Revenant. Revenants are AWESOME. I almost forgot, THERE IS NO ****ING CYBERDEMON. I'm not kidding. I was REALLY looking forward to Karl Urban looking up between the Cyberdemon's legs like in the last level of Doom III, with that HILARIOUS look on his face which says out loud, "I think I just shat myself." If you don't know about the Almighty Cyberdemon, it's the biggest enemy in Doom. (Final boss in Doom III, toughest enemy in Doom I, second to toughest next to the new Spider Mastermind, which can actually be debated, in Doom II.) I don't know how they managed to replace a gateway to Hell with a pair of chromosomes. There's also only 3 weapons. Two actually, because one is some gay assault rifle that isn't actually in Doom. The others are chaingun and BFG. Well, 3 if you count the pistol, but the pistol sucks ass in Doom and always will. Oooohhh. Not even a ****in' plasma rifle or shotty? COME ON. And the BFG shoots blue snot, no doubt about it. Extremely disappointing. My rating is Absolute Dog **** out of a possible 10.
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