"So I combined the first two. Additionally, sometimes I slip into the third as well."
That is exactly what he'd hate in a story. In fact, I agree to it to a point - but usually when you write in different persons throughout the story the story will be "un"professional. Just usually, though. My 2 cent criticism
"So I combined the first two. Additionally, sometimes I slip into the third as well."
That is exactly what he'd hate in a story. In fact, I agree to it to a point - but usually when you write in different persons throughout the story the story will be "un"professional. Just usually, though. My 2 cent criticism
Ah. My 2 cent criticism: LEARN TO PHRASE YOUR CRITICISM IN A LESS OVERTLY OFFENSIVE MANNER THE FIRST TIME. I'm nowhere near as good a writer as my favorite published authors but I've also read some absolute crap that got published too.
In regards to this AAR, I only put enough effort into it to make it a fun diversion. Stating that I didn't like the approaches I had seen other writers take and deciding to use a hybrid method has nothing to do with my skill as a writer (how well I know how to write a story) but instead my own personal preference. I didn't say that I couldn't figure out how to do it from one perspective but that I didn't want to. Mentioning that I slip into third person sometimes doesn't mean that I can't do it any other way, it means that for dramatic effect as well as telling a part of the story that wouldn't be reasonable to hear from either of the two established points of view, I chose that method.
I get that switching around amongst perspectives is considered unprofessional but not when it's done properly. In fact, a story told from multiple perspectives is often more interesting because it allows the story to continue when one character or another is not there to relate it while also exposing other aspects of it a single character wouldn't relate. The problem is when a story drifts from "Hi, I'm Steve. I got in a fight with some dude..." (1st person) to "I saw Steve reel from the blow" (2nd person) to "As Steve drifted off into unconsciousness..." (3rd person). However, taking that same minimal example and presenting it as a TV cop-drama would adds multiple layers of experience for the audience:
Steve: "I was attacked!"
In the next room, his buddy: "Steve was looking for a fight."
And then because the drama with Steve is not being told to us directly by him or anyone else in the show but instead the cameras follow everyone around, the entire show is told in third person. Hence, when the trasitions from one perspective to another are clear, a story is improved by mixing perspectives; when the transistions are unclear or non-existent then it's a mess of garbage.
Now, I'm not trying to pick a fight with you and I'm pretty sure you weren't trying to pick one with me but this all got started off on the wrong foot by you posting "LEARN TO WRITE A STORY" without sufficient explanation to a story someone (me) clearly as put a fair amount of work into. I don't believe you meant to be offensive but I was pretty pissed when I saw that and it took me a couple of tries to write a response that was simply asking for clarification. I'm not interested in getting into an argument with your languages teacher through you and I'm not going to change my mixed writing style so I'd LIKE to call this subject dead but not before relating a little story about a "teacher" I once had - strictly in 1st person.
It was 6th grade, the whole class had just finished reading a book for that age but I was already downing 50 (no exaggeration) high school level books every summer so it was a breeze. There was a vocabulary competition where we all picked 10 words out of the book that we hadn't understood and presented them to an opponent to see if they could define it. It came down to me and Jeff (who I already hated because he was dating Holly the Goddess) and the word that lost me the competition was "lapels" but Jeff pronounced it "lay-pulls" as if it were spelled "laples." Not being especially clever, I didn't ask for the word to be spelled out and the "teacher" who was refereeing the whole thing just sat by and smiled, let the ass-backwards pronunciation slide.
I got to see the word after I admitted defeat and blew my 6th grade stack, causing a trip to the principle's office and a note sent home - one written by that same "teacher" and rife with misspellings and grammatical errors.
Long-story short, I think of teachers as being several steps better but still just as potentially flawed as Wikipedia and thus treat them the same: good first source to get an idea of things but ALWAYS look for a second resource to back them up.
Note that my opinion doesn't matter much as I'm still kind of new to writing, and still pretty bad at it, but i think a story could be good from any perspective or a mix of them if It's done right. I couldn't do it but i like the mixed perspectives in this one. Just my worthless 2 cents.
Note that my opinion doesn't matter much as I'm still kind of new to writing, and still pretty bad at it, but i think a story could be good from any perspective or a mix of them if It's done right. I couldn't do it but i like the mixed perspectives in this one. Just my worthless 2 cents.
*accepts 2 cents worth of so-called "worthlessness"* Thanks for the appreciation. Without it, I don't have the will to write.
My single best writing tip would be to read your work again after you've forgotten what you wrote. That way the ideas you had in your head that didn't get properly expressed will still be able to be recalled but you will see where your ideas and your expression of those ideas separated. My biggest weakness is that I forget to describe surroundings so the reader has no frame of reference for where the detailed actions are taking place. This also makes the story move too quickly, like it's a digest version.
"Unkind as it may be to say, that ridiculous 'Count Floris' nearly made me break a rib as I fought to contain my laughter! 20,000 denars?! Not likely in this lifetime and all so he can rebuild his 'empire?!' He rattled on and on about stuff and things beyond count or comprehension, most of it certainly made up, and finally asked for a sure FORTUNE I can't even BEGIN to imagine parting with for the assistance of a single man! Let me ask you, how am I to be benefitted by this man using my money to rebuild himself to some supposed former glory? Will he take the money and go off onto great things, returning to hand me my share? Would I accompany him and forget my own new-found capabilities and precious freedoms? And just exactly what kind of superb financial situation would I have to be in to afford 20,000 to a knight in a tavern who claims to be great? Why, I would have to have an 'empire' of my own before I took that plunge! Ha! What a capering loon..."
I cannot help but smile at this passage every single time I read it. Evangeline's reaction to the storied Count Margrave Floris IV is truly priceless as she mocks his word and doubts his truth. The fact is that Count Floris IV should have been known to her prior to that unfortunate meeting where she had been used to being the fierce and capable one, even - as you read above - taking on her own troops who were too scared to fight back. Count Floris IV was a man of nearly singular vision and ability and more playful by far than the vicious battle queen. His influence stretched far and where it struck it did so with potency. Evangeline, still young in the world, couldn't know of such things so of course she mocked the mighty trader-knight.
Author's Notes:
Unkind as it may be of me to say, Evangeline's reaction the added NPC Floris was entirely my own and the description is accurate. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read "20,000 denars" and almost choked I was so shocked. I rattled off the first part of this chapter and then realized that I, Ogrecorps, was being ungrateful to monnikje who created the very mod pack I was enjoying so much and whose AAR contains so much useful information I had immersed myself in to even get to the point where I thought I knew what I was doing and so could START Evangeline. However, the reaction was genuine to her character so I wanted to include it. I thought about it some more and realized the solution of using the Historian to express some of my gratitude and reverence. My distrust of Floris being worth the 20,000 was not helped, however, when monnikje read the chapter and commented in the thread that he awaits "the moment (I) can miss those 20,000 denars." I began to wonder if he had included a practical joke in his mod pack, despite the extreme unlikelihood. Now however, if I could only hire one companion it would be Graaf Floris.
A number of small passages appear independent of dates or locations but I have included their possible date range, lumping them together here:
"We passed within sight of a looted village, my first from this distant vantage point, and I felt hate, despair, sorrow, wrath swell up inside me. That would NEVER be me or my company, we would never do such a thing to anyone."
"Emboldened excessively, it seems, by my now seemingly numerous personal victories I managed to get beaten senseless by a drunken louse who I suspect may have been playing opossum though for what reasons I can't be sure as I haven't soothed my ego far enough to invent them. Baheshtur - which I have decided to pronounce 'basher' - found me dumped unceremoniously outside the tavern swinging my sheathed saber at passing feet and muttering incoherently, or so I am told..."
"God, Borcha is ugly. I would say that that man had better be glad he is a skillful tracker and scout else he'd be of no use to any woman anywhere but I actually suspect that is precisely why he developed such skills."
"In yet another tavern searching for yet another worthy adventurer I ran across the thoroughly disagreeable Matheld. Though I sympathized with her mistreatment, she maintained a haughty tone throughout her unsolicited and lengthy explanation of the wrongs piled on her. Her strong sword arm would no doubt be as useful Nizar's - who I suspect may be a threat as he was remarkably also in that same tavern - but under my style of leadership I will tolerate only minimal distraction and controversy, two categories I have no doubt at all she would have contributed heavily to. Besides, she mentioned intent to raise and army to return and claim her rights. Am I not raising an army now that she could usurp? I can't seem to stop talking young men in villages into joining us, even as the money flows out of my hands... Ever since that burned village I've... I've felt the urge to defend them, strangers... Regardless of my unconscious aims, however, I am in no position to offer serious contest to any of the banner-carrying parties I have seen roaming the land. I need to travel more, experience more, explore my options... This place is piled high with opportunity, I shall pick carefully.
On a side note, due to my hunger and the cold of Reyvadin the only thing I could think of to say to get Matheld to stop speaking turned out to be an ironic 'Your brother-in-law was right, women shouldn't lead. Go back home and tend your hearth.' I think the confusion such a rebuke inspired may be all that saved me from another quick beating. On my way out Nizar attempted to regale me with some verse or tale of his no doubt tremendous deeds since we had last met and at far too close a proximity, causing me to flinch at the SMELL of the man. I couldn't place it but it seemed like something I should know."
"I am unsure of the exact cause but the most likely culprit is that I simply have a terrible sense of direction. I observe our little map, I listen to directions, and I still always end up wandering off course. The most direct route is never taken between two points, always there is derivation from the best course and all too often I find forests both large and small along the way to slow us even further. I would kill, literally kill for a better sense of direction. I suppose I should offer a better sacrifice than just blood since I do that just for practice anyway..."
"Passing from Dhirim to Reyvadin to Curaw I noticed a severe difference in the prices of iron amongst them with Reyvadin charging the most. I rightly assumed this meant they would pay the most and quickly found myself up nearly 1400 denars! Then... Then I spotted a beautiful weapon I'm told is a scimitar. Handling it lovingly as the weaponsmith explained its attributes, I climbed atop a nearby sawhorse - much to the confusion of the weaponsmith though it did not disturb his speech - and joyously slashed slowly at enemies near my feet. The weaponsmith explained that the weapon was in fact an elite scimitar and therefore longer and sharper. He also said that it had been carefully crafted for balance but he didn't need to tell me, I was in love with its wicked grace already - and thus I lost all of the money I had gained from trading iron and then some, just over 2000 denars. I have no doubt I shall enjoy this blade for a long time to come and it shall help me earn many thousands more than it cost. For the first time, I found myself casting a critical eye at all the wares of the horse, armor, and weapon mongers with unclear intent for the future."
"Ran out of food AGAIN. Gah. You know what I really need? A quartermaster. I need someone in charge of keeping the troops in gear and food and that man will no doubt need a smith; who will need an apprentice for the lesser work. The baggage train for a smith could be tolerated and even divided up to keep from slowing us down. All this nonsense of swarming into a town or village and having everyone mob to the various craftsmen - ironworkers, leatherworkers, brothels - for repairs then the other merchants for the rest of the gear the men are entitled to after passing their trials is almost too much. I have to pry my troops out of shops and women's arms with the flat of Basher's saber every single stop ; I refuse to use my beloved head-splitter Annabelle for such work as slapping half-naked men and women. Oh how those silly wenches glare... I'm tempted to fetch Annabelle and sever a limb for their impertinence; these men are MINE until they die and even then they are deaths I send them to.
Additionally, I foresee frustrations equipping my specially skilled irregulars, another job for the quartermaster I don't have. I have already established a hierarchy amongst the two I have where I take the best for myself and pass the rest down. Basher had his saber returned to him and the rusty cleaver that he had been using was passed down to Borcha, ugly Borcha. When next I find something for myself I will personally have to pass items down again and I can only imagine what that will be like when I have even more irregulars, nearly a dozen or so, I expect.
On a side note my insistence that my irregulars pass on what training they can to the lesser warriors in the company seems to be paying off as every day another recruit or two passes his trial. I think the men are spurred on by the fact that I keep a partly inverted battle order and therefore as soon as they reach the point where I will provide them with a horse they will be the last into battle. This forces my lesser troops to the front to fight and learn and earn their reward of relative safety. However, it has been too long since we had a fight. My troops number 43 now: I need an enemy to slim my payroll some or provide me with loot to convert to cash. Luckily, I find myself in Khudan now and am told there are worthy bandits roaming to the north and east."
"Those bandits are cursedly fast..."
Author's Notes:
I have always thought Borcha to be almost too ugly to look at thanks to that impossible frown...
Evangeline's eventual quest for the liberation of the people of Calradia was not at all planned from the beginning. Instead it developed slowly as I sought out her reactions to the events that seemed significant. That first burning village was actually the one just west of Dhirim that starts with an 'E'.
Like most of the companions I refused I couldn't pick a solid reason for leaving Matheld behind except that I really didn't like her. As for Nizar being smelly, in the beginning of this I felt like I had to address almost everything including the fact that I kept running into him in taverns. I'm not sure when or how the smell thing came about but a couple of random synapses fired and I was inspired to say that he was smelly. For a long time as a reminder at the bottom of my writing file I had "Nizar smells like a camel!" Which is somewhat ironic since he is the only companion that comes with a horse and the smell of camels is known to upset horses. Perhaps everyone else could let horses come and go but only one horse could stand Nizar and thus he had to buy and take it with him everywhere.
The part about Evangeline's sense of direction is a tiny fist shaking at the fact that frequently the party will deviate from the most efficient route (a straight line) travelling and wind up hills and through forests the wrong direction unnecessarily, taking extra time in getting anywhere. This was before I knew about CTL+Space.
Oh how I love curved blades... I really wish that Heavy Sabers were longer...
Then I did a little complaining about how much work it is to care about details such as passing items down the line of companions and keeping my troops fed. Many of these are remedied with various mods but I think mine got fixed with Custom Commander - not sure though.
"ANNABELLE HAS TASTED HER FIRST BLOOD. It was sweet, and warm, and she loved it dearly... Two mere bandits attempted to ambush me upon entering Ichamur, a curious greeting to the lands of the Khergits... They were smart enough at least to attack from before and behind and even scored a hit with javelin I believe. I admit I felt serious trepidation when the javelinier ran dry and produced an enormous cleaver to charge at me with. He missed his first swing and luckily for my fragile shield he never got a chance at another. Slicing with my beautiful Annabelle as he stumbled, a mere shift of my wrist found wicked steel sliding through his soft, surprised neck... I think the fact that after I retreated into an alley to get them both ahead of me and his friend did not come back out but only I did should have been enough warning. However, it seems he relied on that giant cleaver as much as I worried about it shattering my shield. Oh, and I found a purse of 100 denars on one and that neither of their hide shirts was any good at cleaning off their own blood; how useless of them.
Incidentally, my next stop was the tavern where I met the woman adventurer most like myself: Klethi; I couldn't imagine anyone else I could immediately take to so much! I liked her, I liked her but I couldn't trust her as far as I could throw her! She was DANGEROUS, and capable and great with a blade but she was a damned thief! I liked her so much but all of those capabilities are the type that when the issue of theft came up and established itself as a deal-breaker they all added themselves to the list of why she had to be kept far, far away. I couldn't accept her though I wanted to hug her and at the same time knew I'd be exposing my 4th and 5th rib to her, an unacceptable risk. She was a killer and a loon but a dishonest one and therefore unreliable. I paid for her drink out of spiritual kinship then made sure to let her see that I still needed to clean the fresh blood off my dear and lovely Annabelle. The look of her was one of caution. I'm sure she understood that I too can find a heart with my blade and would be watching her carefully whenever next we met."
"An incident with steppe bandits: more blood for Annabelle and the profit of several ponies, one of which I have named Boris and now ride. It is not yet time for Winston to leave us but that may come soon... Just prior to entering Ichamur Borcha, ugly Borcha informed me of a nearby attack on a group of farmers by a pack of bandits. I didn't feel like rushing out in the night to help just then but emerging from the city with two more deaths on my hands I was completely interested. We cleaned them up easily and the peasants were grateful to us for their lives but I was grateful to them for the scene that greeted the end of the battle: dozens cheering and waving weapons triumphantly in diverse and some brightly colored clothing... I wish had been able to capture the image but my mind slips, even now and image fades...
Back in Ichamur to sell the enemy's bloodied gear I spied a large and lovely heavy saber, the big beastly kind so perfect for smashing/slashing through skulls and leaving that ridiculous surprised and split-down-the-middle look behind. I immediately saw that it was shorter than my beloved but I did consider buying it for one of my irregulars. However, I quickly concluded that they too would carry elite scimitars instead as the range would make up for any lack of battering damage. I also decided that I would not be buying anything subpar. It struck me that this decision indicated I should be on a long, long path but I didn't know to where...
In a flash I saw the freedoms I had to have for myself on that journey and the freedoms I would not allow to be denied those living in burned and as yet unburned villages. That in itself presented itself as a purpose, my purpose: to end the abuses of these wars. Looking to that distant goal was blindingly far so instead I looked to my current state of things: my men, my companions. I had done well so far with my company and would, as my first order of business, continue searching specifically for other talented adventurers to add to my ranks of irregulars. From Ichamur I would head to Tulga and then the Sarranid lands. I would see what advantages, practices, and people all the lands held before choosing my enemies."
Author's Notes:
The truth of Evangeline finding her purpose is that her character was started for a few reasons: I felt I had figured out the ideal combination of creation decisions for my playing style so of course HAD to make a character (female because let's face it, girls are nicer to look at), because I wanted to finally make a go of having my own kingdom with no vassals at all (just for the sake of difficulty), and I wanted to start an AAR. Nowhere in there was why, who, or what she is.
As I considered what equipment I wanted for my character I knew what future I had in mind for her but as I tried to explain my gaming decisions to you readers so you would know what was going on I had to put myself in her mindset and try to come up with reasons. In doing that I realized that she was making a momentous decision by refusing to buy the heavy saber in preference to waiting for elite scimitars. Up until now she has had no purpose, just anger, violence, and a will to survive which meant wandering about looking for trouble with no long-term plan. It was then that it occurred to me that the very same realization I had just made (that this was a longer-term decision than any others she had made) would also occur to her, providing a vital moment of serious consideration about her future when this whole thing started because I wanted to tell you guys about my weapon choices. What was she doing here? Why should she plan so far out and choose so carefully? Because she sure as hell wasn't going to let herself be dominated and go back to the life she had known before we met her. Having taken that step and being unable to ignore the people who had been subdued the way she refused to be ever again, Evangeline saw her whole course in life in front of her - all from considering the lengths on two slicing weapons.
