1. Have you tried asking them with the first Speech line available? "There's something, that I'd like to discuss with you in private" That dialogue option is somewhat tricky, because you have to pick your motto for the rest of the game and use when with persuading.
2. Recruiting works the same way as with the first problem. Owning unassigned fiefs (though highly advised) isn't required, as well as any other specific conditions.
3. Even though it isn't confirmed, nor denied, it seems, that having a companion converted to lord doesn't affect relations the way, that you mentioned it.