I need your help people of Taleworlds!

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TheOneWhoLived

TheOneWhoLived

Veteran
I wrote a short story.
Would you be so kind to read it and give me feedback? I need constructive criticism as I want to change the story for the better.
I really need your help as this is very important to me. Thank you all who took your time to read and thank you all who tried!
This is the off topic thread so I guess this is where a topic such as this would fit in.
Thank you once more, I hope you enjoy it.

The Last Four Days of June​


He was known for his stoic nature. But perhaps, he was never truly known by anyone. He sat in the Davidson College library, half the world away from home, and reminisced about the month of June. More precisely, he reminisced about the last 4 days of June.

What are four days to a person? It is a relative question, but to him, they were worth everything. In these four days, he learned the wonderful nature of life, the beauty that is so often overlooked. His recollections started on a Friday, the 27th of June of the year 2014. He was home. In an unfortunate turn of events in the past, he was in quite a conundrum. There was a possibility of him leaving the country in a little over a week from that Friday, forever – otherwise he would leave in two months. The reason was not something he ever thought about, it wasn’t important why he was leaving, what was important was that he was indifferent towards it. He was headed for his dream, and he had done everything he needed to make the next step. He was completely fine with the idea of moving away forever, he was no stranger to it. Well, his indifference was about to change the night of that Friday.

A friend had invited him to a bar downtown. His friend was aware of his situation and wanted to take him out for some good carefree fun. He agreed – although as an athlete, it was not exactly his cup of tea, but he had already agreed.

The bar was everything he despised. Drunk people galore, awkward dancing, and music which resembled some post-apocalyptic techno beat. He didn’t leave as early as he had planned though, as there was something at the bar that was different. It was a girl. A girl he had never met before. Through some coincidence the two began to talk. They learned about each other. As the conversation flowed, so did time. They were so very similar, they shared the same interests, and their opinions matched like puzzles. In fact, their personalities were so complementary that the experience was surreal, almost like a movie script. But time still flowed. He had to leave, but before he did, he asked to walk her back home. She allowed him to. On the way, they bonded even more, and he got a chance to tell her about his situation – he might be leaving soon. He started to lose the indifference towards his situation though as the day transitioned to the next and as he spent more time with her. It was around 1 a.m. when he decided to take her on a little adventure. An expedition to the top of an abandoned hotel, rumored to be haunted.

As most rumors tend to not be true, this one was no different, the hotel was eerie and that was all. The hotel however rewarded its brave intruders with a unique view from the top. However, disregarding the view, the top of the hotel was serene, and at this late/early hour, it was completely detached from society. It was the two of them, the cool summer breeze, the starry sky, and fate.

She saw her first shooting star that night. “Make a wish.” He told her.
But time didn’t slow down. The more they were together; the faster it seemed to drift away. It was time to leave. He walked her to a point near her home and then they parted. But before they did, he got her number. They embraced each other and promised to meet soon again – to make the most of the time he might be here. He returned home a little later than 4 a.m.
He never misses his practice, but the night was special, and he decided to rest the next day. They arranged to meet up on Sunday. He imagined they could go stargazing that night.

Sunday, the 29th of June. They met up at the main square of downtown at around 8. She had returned from a Disney performance, she wore an ultramarine dress. She was stunning. They hugged and off they went. They went to get a beer at a nearby bar, despite the fact that neither really liked beer. It was a different experience, and that was the point. It seemed everything they talked about, they shared the same opinion. They had so much in common that each began to believe that their chance meeting had some greater meaning. They laughed and enjoyed each other’s theories and views. They both strove to be good people. They strove to be the type of person who will be remembered for being unconditionally kind. Neither was religious though. Religion has a way of making kindness seem selfish, as each believer’s incentive is eternal happiness, which defeats the purpose of unconditional kindness. They wanted nothing in return for their good nature.

They both had a vague idea about where to go after the bar that night. She however had a specific place in mind, so he never told her he wanted to go stargazing. They roamed the lonely streets of the old town and talked about every topic they could come up with. Each time reaching to the same conclusion “Why didn’t we meet earlier?”.

After sitting at a park for a while, she decided to take him to the special place she had in plan for him. He had already confessed earlier that night that his knowledge of the town is not very great and he had nothing special to show her, but she did.

She led him through an alley, behind a church and then climbed the ladder that lead up to the roof of the church. It was a beautiful place. Roofs had the ability to separate one from reality, and so they had a chance to enjoy each other’s presence to the fullest. He told her he wanted to stargaze that night so that’s what they did. They lay beside each other, his arm was her pillow. Their fingers interlocked. The night was perfect. And he realized, he really didn’t want to have to go. He would be so happy to stay. He realized how much he was missing by being indifferent, he realized how much went by him, but all he ever looked at was his dream. But he couldn’t be sad around her. Not because he didn’t want to show it. He couldn’t be sad around her because she made him happy. She made him realize how much life has in store. How much he never experienced. How much there was to love.

They sat up, and talked a little longer. He interrupted her with a kiss. But soon it was time to leave again. They wanted to see each other again. He walked her back towards her home, and this time parted with another kiss.

Little did he know though, the next morning he would get a call which would end it all. He had to leave the country in a few days from now. He was devastated. The magic had turned to bitter reality. In this world, happy endings are rare. He thought to himself. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her – so he didn’t.
He was lost. Life had just shown him its beauty, its gem, and now it would take it away, and there was nothing he could do about it. Tears descended over his cheeks. It was the last day of June.

He couldn’t understand why life was so cruel. Why him? He always tried to be a good person? Where is the karma then that everyone quotes? He thought for a while, and then collapsed on his bed, where he fell asleep. He woke up an hour later, hoping that reality would be different this time around, but it wasn’t. But something else was. He thought three things, and was suddenly in a better mood. One, he was happy that he at least had a chance to see the true beauty of life. Two, he spent the two days of the last four days with the most beautiful girl he met in his life, she was everything he didn’t believe could exist and more. Three, his heart wasn’t broken, his feelings weren’t unrequited, and what he felt was real. He was content with his revelation, he was content with the fact that his opinion changed.

Another call came in. There was hope. He might be granted the chance to stay the full two months. This time around he wasn’t indifferent, he was hopeful. He rooted for the idea. He believed that everything would work out and he would get a chance to spend more time with her. Their paths in the future will diverge, he knew, the chances of a future together were slim. But he also realized one more thing besides the other three. He didn’t only have feelings for her, he loved having her in his life. Her presence made him a better person and that is what he wanted – to be around her. This is what he learned on the last day of June.

Edit: Go to the bottom of the page for the latest version.
 
Nothing happens. You're describing exactly nothing, in precise detail. It's too fade, there's no conflict, there's no incentive to keep interest in the bland characters and they're inexistant outside of their most immediate feelings. I think one is a disney performer (what) but that's it.

Now put this in music books and arts.
 
How do I move the thread?

Also thank you for the feedback. I will flesh out the characters. I understand it lacks concreteness, so that I will add.

I very much appreciate your willingness to read it. Also, the reason why the story itself lacks a conclusion itself is because I'm still waiting on the conclusion itself. But I understand that for the effectiveness of the story, more needs to be fleshed out :grin: Thank you
 
Oh good god, where do i begin with this?. The characters (if i can call them that, because right now i don't even know who they are, for all i care they could be a rock) are completely bland and have absolutely no backstory whatsoever. You put them in situations which they clearly dislike and yet play it off as if they have no choice. I mean seriously, if this character is going to relax for the last few days left, why place them in an establishment which they'd rather not be?. I know it's all for the sake of meeting this "girl" and to get the plot (if i can call it that) moving, but if you're going to have them meet then at least put them in a place they'd enjoy like a cafe or something.

And speaking of establishments, what pray tell was the point of telling us that a hotel is haunted when you're not going to do anything with it?. That's like me saying "He took her to the abandoned asylum, some say it is haunted by those souls long lost to the ages, trapped forever in an unbreakable limbo. Despite being rumored to be haunted they still went and had an unbelievable makeout session on one of the hospital beds. The next day they packed their things and left for their homes". See how utterly pointless that line was?, you could have easily placed them in a much nicer and more believable location that would have still had the same effect.

Oh and don't even get me started on how bloody cliched this story is. If there is one thing i absolutely hate in stories like this, its that nobody seems to understand how a meaningful relationship forms and works(and this is coming from a guy who's never been in one, go figure). Nobody and i repeat, nobody goes from just met to suddenly love struck and kissing in less than a few days, even if they appear to be 100% compatible with each other.That kind of thing i'd expect to see in some stupid disney film, all of which is completely unrealistic. If you were going to do that, then you'd have might as well just made the story 1 sentence long like this: "He got a job placement, he went to go relax and found a girl, they both liked each other and started kissing, he then had to go and became very sad, the end". That is literally all i gathered from this story, everything in between is either cliched, makes no sense, completely pointless or just downright stupid.

I suggest you go back to the drawing board and just redo the entire story, this "thing" is completely wrecked and not worth patching when you could, with competence and the willingness to learn from other authors, write a completely worthwhile story that actually makes sense in the time it would take to rebuild this abomination.

p.s Who the **** goes to a disney performance dressed as an ultramarine?
 
Actually, lots of people go from just met to kissing in less than a few days. Can happen in a few minutes or hours. Depends on the person. As for the love part, some people believe in love at first sight. I think it's silly, but it's what they believe.
 
He was known for his stoic nature. But perhaps, he was never truly known by anyone. He sat in the Davidson College library, half the world away from home, and reminisced about the month of June. More precisely, he reminisced about the last 4 days of June.
What are four days to a person? It is a relative question, but to him, they were worth everything. In these four days, he learned the wonderful nature of life, the beauty that is so often overlooked. His recollections started on a Friday, the 27th of June of the year 2014. He was home. In an unfortunate turn of events in the past, he was in quite a conundrum. There was a possibility of him leaving the country in a little over a week from that Friday, forever – otherwise he would leave in two months. The reason was not something he ever thought about, it wasn’t important why he was leaving, what was important was that he was indifferent towards it. He was headed for his dream, and he had done everything he needed to make the next step. He was completely fine with the idea of moving away forever, he was no stranger to it. Well, his indifference was about to change the night of that Friday.

A friend had invited him to a bar downtown. His friend was aware of his situation and wanted to take him out for some good carefree fun. He agreed – although as an athlete, it was not exactly his cup of tea, but he had already agreed.

The bar was everything he despised. Drunk people galore, awkward dancing, and music which resembled some post-apocalyptic techno beat. He didn’t leave as early as he had planned though, as there was something at the bar that was different. It was a girl. A girl he had never met before. She had a septum piercing, which he always thought would be an off-putting feature on a girl, but he was wrong, it suited her. Through some coincidence the two began to talk. They learned about each other. As the conversation flowed, so did time. They were so very similar, they shared the same interests, and their opinions matched like puzzles. She loved art and so did he, they both showed their work to each other. She is a singer, but she plays the piano and ukulele. He played the guitar and piano. She loved to read and so did he. In fact, their personalities were so complementary that the experience was surreal, almost like a movie script. But time still flowed. He had to leave, but before he did, he asked to walk her back home. She allowed him to. On the way, they bonded even more, and he got a chance to tell her about his situation – he might be leaving soon. He started to lose the indifference towards his situation though as the day transitioned to the next and as he spent more time with her. It was around 1 a.m. when he decided to take her on a little adventure. An expedition to the top of an abandoned hotel, rumored to be haunted.
As most rumors tend to not be true, this one was no different, the hotel was eerie and that was all. The hotel however rewarded its brave intruders with a unique view from the top. However, disregarding the view, the top of the hotel was serene, and at this late/early hour, it was completely detached from society. It was the two of them, the cool summer breeze, the starry sky, and fate.
She saw her first shooting star that night. “Make a wish.” He told her.

But time didn’t slow down. The more they were together; the faster it seemed to drift away. It was time to leave. He walked her to a point near her home and then they parted. But before they did, he got her number. They embraced each other and promised to meet soon again – to make the most of the time he might be here. He returned home a little later than 4 a.m.
He never misses his practice, but the night was special, and he decided to rest the next day. They arranged to meet up on Sunday. He imagined they could go stargazing that night.

Sunday, the 29th of June. They met up at the main square of downtown at around 8. She had returned from a charity Disney musical performance, she wore an ultramarine dress. She was stunning. They hugged. They went to get a beer at a nearby bar, despite the fact that neither really liked beer. It was a different experience, and that was the point. It seemed everything they talked about, they shared the same opinion. They had so much in common that each began to believe that their chance meeting had some greater meaning. He couldn’t help but notice the subtle unique details on her face. The way the corners of her lips curved when she smiled. How she would smile from ear to ear and bite on her tongue when she was excited. How she blushed on every compliment. She was simply captivating and unique. They laughed and enjoyed each other’s theories and views. They both strove to be good people. They strove to be the type of person who will be remembered for being unconditionally kind. Neither was religious though. Religion has a way of making kindness seem selfish, as each believer’s incentive is eternal happiness, which defeats the purpose of unconditional kindness. They wanted nothing in return for their good nature.
They both had a vague idea about where to go after the bar that night. She however had a specific place in mind, so he never told her he wanted to go stargazing. They roamed the lonely streets of the old town and talked about every topic they could come up with. Each time reaching to the same conclusion “Why didn’t we meet earlier?”.
After sitting at a park for a while, she decided to take him to the special place she had in plan for him. He had already confessed earlier that night that his knowledge of the town is not very great and he had nothing special to show her, but she did.
She led him through an alley, behind a church and then climbed the ladder that lead up to the roof of the church. It was a beautiful place. Roofs had the ability to separate one from reality, and so they had a chance to enjoy each other’s presence to the fullest. He told her he wanted to stargaze that night so that’s what they did. They lay beside each other, his arm was her pillow. Their fingers interlocked. The night was perfect. And he realized, he really didn’t want to have to go. He would be so happy to stay. He realized how much he was missing by being indifferent, he realized how much went by him, but all he ever looked at was his dream. But he couldn’t be sad around her. Not because he didn’t want to show it. He couldn’t be sad around her because she made him happy. She made him realize how much life has in store. How much he never experienced. How much there was to love.
They sat up, and talked a little longer. He interrupted her with a kiss. But soon it was time to leave again. They wanted to see each other again. He walked her back towards her home, and this time parted with another kiss.
Little did he know though, the next morning he would get a call which would end it all. He had to leave the country in a few days from now. He was devastated. The magic had turned to bitter reality. In this world, happy endings are rare. He thought to himself. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her – so he didn’t.
He was lost. Life had just shown him its beauty, its gem, and now it would take it away, and there was nothing he could do about it. Tears descended over his cheeks. It was the last day of June.
He couldn’t understand why life was so cruel. Why him? He always tried to be a good person? Where is the karma then that everyone quotes? He thought for a while, and then collapsed on his bed, where he fell asleep. He woke up an hour later, hoping that reality would be different this time around, but it wasn’t. But something else was. He thought three things, and was suddenly in a better mood. One, he was happy that he at least had a chance to see the true beauty of life. Two, he spent the two days of the last four days with the most beautiful girl he met in his life, she was everything he didn’t believe could exist and more. Three, his heart wasn’t broken, his feelings weren’t unrequited, and what he felt was real. He was content with his revelation, he was content with the fact that his opinion changed.
Another call came in. There was hope. He might be granted the chance to stay the full two months. This time around he wasn’t indifferent, he was hopeful. He rooted for the idea. He believed that everything would work out and he would get a chance to spend more time with her. Their paths in the future will diverge, he knew, the chances of a future together were slim. But he also realized one more thing besides the other three. He didn’t only have feelings for her, he loved having her in his life. Her presence made him a better person and that is what he wanted – to be around her. This is what he learned on the last day of June.

The 1st of July came, and he told her what had happened yesterday. There was hope that they got to spend more time together. But he feared the possibility of that not happening. Everything was still a possibility though, and so he couldn’t feel either way about it. But he realized, things couldn’t be the same between them two. There was too little time and he couldn’t help but feel there was a dead end at the end of the road, regardless of its time. But he still wanted to see her. It didn’t matter if they were just friends.

They arranged to meet on the 4th of July. On the 3rd of July he received a last call. He was granted the two months stay. He was in a great mood when he met her. But she was sad. He knew she too realized that two months or five days don’t make a difference in the long run, and soon, everything would come to an end.
They went for a walk. And their conversation went something along these lines.
“So, what is there we haven’t talked about?”
“Umm.. The future!” She answered.
“Oh, right. Come to think of it, you never told me what you wanted to study.”
“Architecture most probably.”
“Oh cool, my brother does architecture. I actually also wanted to do it, just because of him.”
“Well, my parents want me to be an architect, but I don’t mind it, I’ll double major anyway.”
“Double major?” He was bemused. “You can only double major in the USA right?”
“Yeah. I was born in California so I got the citizenship.”
“That’s so weird, I never told you I got a scholarship for America did I?”
“Oh wow, that’s amazing!!”
“So we’re both going to America, that’s another coincidence. Where are you gonna’ study?”
“I’m going to Duke. I got a –“
“I’m going to Davidson, that’s 2 hours driving from Duke.”

He remembered the conversation so clearly. He didn’t have time to recollect the rest of the story. He stood up from his chair, and hurriedly left the library. The bus to Durham was supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. He climbed the bus and took the only empty seat. As he sat, he saw that an elderly lady had also boarded the bus and was walking down the aisle. He immediately stood up and motioned to the lady towards his seat.
“Please, have my seat mam.” He added.
“Oh, you’re so kind – you’re a sweetheart”
“Oh it’s nothing I assure you.”
“Where are you headed young man?” the lady added in an inquisitive tone.
“Oh, to Durham.”
“What business do you have there if you mind me asking?”
“I’m going to Duke to see my girl actually.” He answered with a certain gladness in his voice.


The story now has an end. To answer your questions. This whole story is true. In fact the guy is me and the girl is her. I guess since it pissed you off so much, you should know that at least.
I said the story isn't finished yet because if you notice, the date is only 3 days ago, meaning I have yet to come to an end, however for the sake of having a read, I added a conclusion and just have the second half be fiction. I didn't flesh out the male character so much, because its myself, and I was planning on giving her this story as a parting gift.

Ultramarine is a color, not a blue space marine, but I guess you have never done art so I don't expect you to know that, or you're just trolling. Doesn't matter.

Also, there are subtle details about each character in the story, but since the general claim was, they are bland, I at least went into a fair description of her on numerous occasions. If you'd be so kind to read it again, that would be wonderful, if not, I thank you for investing this much time! All of you actually, thank you.

Edit:
Volkonski, it is clear you've never been in a situation such as this. It's not so easy to relax, and choosing who to spend your potential last days with is very difficult - granted you have people that you care about. I went to the bar because I care about my friend, and wanted to show him that the venue doesn't matter, as long as we spend time together :wink:


Edit 2:
Mage246 said:
Actually, lots of people go from just met to kissing in less than a few days. Can happen in a few minutes or hours. Depends on the person. As for the love part, some people believe in love at first sight. I think it's silly, but it's what they believe.
Click to expand...

It wasn't love at first sight. It's more of an infatuation, but I'm rational enough to know that you rarely find someone who makes a ****ty ass day feel so great just by their presence :wink:
 
Mage246 said:
Actually, lots of people go from just met to kissing in less than a few days. Can happen in a few minutes or hours. Depends on the person. As for the love part, some people believe in love at first sight. I think it's silly, but it's what they believe.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I think you're overestimating people, Volkonksi, kids can become convinced that they 'love' someone and do all kinds of stupid **** within minutes. Most people never really grow out of that.

Why do you think it's common for people to have been married two, three or even four times? :lol:

Consider that many people think that Romeo & Juliet is one of the most romantic stories of all time.

Volkonski said:
p.s Who the **** goes to a disney performance dressed as an ultramarine?
Click to expand...
Are you ****ing serious right now.
 
Austupaio said:
Yeah, I think you're overestimating people, Volkonksi, kids can become convinced that they 'love' someone and do all kinds of stupid **** within minutes. Most people never really grow out of that.

Why do you think it's common for people to have been married two, three or even four times? :lol:

Consider that many people think that Romeo & Juliet is one of the most romantic stories of all time.
Click to expand...

Notice I never said I love her :wink: I said I love her presence and she just makes me feel great. I understand these concepts and ideas, I just wanted to put an emphasis on the short time we had together, I added an ending so as to not disappoint you when you notice its not a conventional story. Rising action, climax, falling action.
I was more bothered to know if the details are good and if its somewhat well written.
I didn't want to just give her something with no feedback. However, the extra details about her were a very good addition I admit, it brings her character more to life (I'll expand on it more)
 
Yeah, that was all directed at Volkonski, I just found his insinuation that the situation was inherently unrealistic off.
 
My apologies on the ultramarine part,i know that ultramarine is a color. I guess I've been playing too much wh40k lately and that's all that came to mind when i saw that (though it didn't help that you worded it slightly wrong, you could have said "she wore a beautiful dress, accented well by the ultramarine color"). As for the whole love at first sight bull****, this is my own opinion and i know that some people do fall in love in short spaces of time(for many stupid reasons), but I've only ever heard of it happening within a few months or weeks,never a few days. That kind of thing i have seen in bad fanfiction stories that only last less than a couple of paragraphs, hence why it pissed me off so much.

If this was done from a first person perspective of your own happenings, then surely it would have made more sense to write it in the style of an inner monologue or journal?. The way you wrote it made it look as though a secondary school kid wrote it hastily for their English essay. And for the love of god, when writing how you felt about this girl and how you enjoyed her company, don't just throw down "I enjoyed her company", explain to us why you did and give us action in between (obviously not explicit action). Try to build up an atmosphere and give us some enlightenment on what the surroundings are(e.g what the street looked like, how the breeze felt on your face, the revving of an engine as a car starts up etc), you're missing a lot of buildup and punctuation that just throws off the entire pacing and doesn't build up anything for the reader.

Austupaio said:
Yeah, that was all directed at Volkonski, I just found his insinuation that the situation was inherently unrealistic off.
Click to expand...
As off as it may be, it is how i perceive things from my perspective. To you this kind of thing may happen quite often, but to me I have never seen such of the like and as such am only basing his whole situation on what i believe to be realistic. Of course, having mentioned my inexperience in the matter perhaps i should have held my tongue instead of rambling on "apparently" nonsensical beliefs.
 
TheOneWhoLived said:
He was known for his stoic nature. But perhaps, he was never truly known by anyone. He sat in the Davidson College library, half the world away from home, and reminisced about the month of June. More precisely, he reminisced about the last 4 days of June.
What are four days to a person? It is a relative question, but to him, they were worth everything. In these four days, he learned the wonderful nature of life, the beauty that is so often overlooked. His recollections started on a Friday, the 27th of June of the year 2014. He was home. In an unfortunate turn of events in the past, he was in quite a conundrum. There was a possibility of him leaving the country in a little over a week from that Friday, forever – otherwise he would leave in two months. The reason was not something he ever thought about, it wasn’t important why he was leaving, what was important was that he was indifferent towards it. He was headed for his dream, and he had done everything he needed to make the next step. He was completely fine with the idea of moving away forever, he was no stranger to it. Well, his indifference was about to change the night of that Friday.

A friend had invited him to a bar downtown. His friend was aware of his situation and wanted to take him out for some good carefree fun. He agreed – although as an athlete, it was not exactly his cup of tea, but he had already agreed.

The bar was everything he despised. Drunk people galore, awkward dancing, and music which resembled some post-apocalyptic techno beat. He didn’t leave as early as he had planned though, as there was something at the bar that was different. It was a girl. A girl he had never met before. She had a septum piercing, which he always thought would be an off-putting feature on a girl, but he was wrong, it suited her. Through some coincidence the two began to talk. They learned about each other. As the conversation flowed, so did time. They were so very similar, they shared the same interests, and their opinions matched like puzzles. She loved art and so did he, they both showed their work to each other. She is a singer, but she plays the piano and ukulele. He played the guitar and piano. She loved to read and so did he. In fact, their personalities were so complementary that the experience was surreal, almost like a movie script. But time still flowed. He had to leave, but before he did, he asked to walk her back home. She allowed him to. On the way, they bonded even more, and he got a chance to tell her about his situation – he might be leaving soon. He started to lose the indifference towards his situation though as the day transitioned to the next and as he spent more time with her. It was around 1 a.m. when he decided to take her on a little adventure. An expedition to the top of an abandoned hotel, rumored to be haunted.
As most rumors tend to not be true, this one was no different, the hotel was eerie and that was all. The hotel however rewarded its brave intruders with a unique view from the top. However, disregarding the view, the top of the hotel was serene, and at this late/early hour, it was completely detached from society. It was the two of them, the cool summer breeze, the starry sky, and fate.
She saw her first shooting star that night. “Make a wish.” He told her.

But time didn’t slow down. The more they were together; the faster it seemed to drift away. It was time to leave. He walked her to a point near her home and then they parted. But before they did, he got her number. They embraced each other and promised to meet soon again – to make the most of the time he might be here. He returned home a little later than 4 a.m.
He never misses his practice, but the night was special, and he decided to rest the next day. They arranged to meet up on Sunday. He imagined they could go stargazing that night.

Sunday, the 29th of June. They met up at the main square of downtown at around 8. She had returned from a charity Disney musical performance, she wore an ultramarine dress. She was stunning. They hugged. They went to get a beer at a nearby bar, despite the fact that neither really liked beer. It was a different experience, and that was the point. It seemed everything they talked about, they shared the same opinion. They had so much in common that each began to believe that their chance meeting had some greater meaning. He couldn’t help but notice the subtle unique details on her face. The way the corners of her lips curved when she smiled. How she would smile from ear to ear and bite on her tongue when she was excited. How she blushed on every compliment. She was simply captivating and unique. They laughed and enjoyed each other’s theories and views. They both strove to be good people. They strove to be the type of person who will be remembered for being unconditionally kind. Neither was religious though. Religion has a way of making kindness seem selfish, as each believer’s incentive is eternal happiness, which defeats the purpose of unconditional kindness. They wanted nothing in return for their good nature.
They both had a vague idea about where to go after the bar that night. She however had a specific place in mind, so he never told her he wanted to go stargazing. They roamed the lonely streets of the old town and talked about every topic they could come up with. Each time reaching to the same conclusion “Why didn’t we meet earlier?”.
After sitting at a park for a while, she decided to take him to the special place she had in plan for him. He had already confessed earlier that night that his knowledge of the town is not very great and he had nothing special to show her, but she did.
She led him through an alley, behind a church and then climbed the ladder that lead up to the roof of the church. It was a beautiful place. Roofs had the ability to separate one from reality, and so they had a chance to enjoy each other’s presence to the fullest. He told her he wanted to stargaze that night so that’s what they did. They lay beside each other, his arm was her pillow. Their fingers interlocked. The night was perfect. And he realized, he really didn’t want to have to go. He would be so happy to stay. He realized how much he was missing by being indifferent, he realized how much went by him, but all he ever looked at was his dream. But he couldn’t be sad around her. Not because he didn’t want to show it. He couldn’t be sad around her because she made him happy. She made him realize how much life has in store. How much he never experienced. How much there was to love.
They sat up, and talked a little longer. He interrupted her with a kiss. But soon it was time to leave again. They wanted to see each other again. He walked her back towards her home, and this time parted with another kiss.
Little did he know though, the next morning he would get a call which would end it all. He had to leave the country in a few days from now. He was devastated. The magic had turned to bitter reality. In this world, happy endings are rare. He thought to himself. He couldn’t bring himself to tell her – so he didn’t.
He was lost. Life had just shown him its beauty, its gem, and now it would take it away, and there was nothing he could do about it. Tears descended over his cheeks. It was the last day of June.
He couldn’t understand why life was so cruel. Why him? He always tried to be a good person? Where is the karma then that everyone quotes? He thought for a while, and then collapsed on his bed, where he fell asleep. He woke up an hour later, hoping that reality would be different this time around, but it wasn’t. But something else was. He thought three things, and was suddenly in a better mood. One, he was happy that he at least had a chance to see the true beauty of life. Two, he spent the two days of the last four days with the most beautiful girl he met in his life, she was everything he didn’t believe could exist and more. Three, his heart wasn’t broken, his feelings weren’t unrequited, and what he felt was real. He was content with his revelation, he was content with the fact that his opinion changed.
Another call came in. There was hope. He might be granted the chance to stay the full two months. This time around he wasn’t indifferent, he was hopeful. He rooted for the idea. He believed that everything would work out and he would get a chance to spend more time with her. Their paths in the future will diverge, he knew, the chances of a future together were slim. But he also realized one more thing besides the other three. He didn’t only have feelings for her, he loved having her in his life. Her presence made him a better person and that is what he wanted – to be around her. This is what he learned on the last day of June.

The 1st of July came, and he told her what had happened yesterday. There was hope that they got to spend more time together. But he feared the possibility of that not happening. Everything was still a possibility though, and so he couldn’t feel either way about it. But he realized, things couldn’t be the same between them two. There was too little time and he couldn’t help but feel there was a dead end at the end of the road, regardless of its time. But he still wanted to see her. It didn’t matter if they were just friends.

They arranged to meet on the 4th of July. On the 3rd of July he received a last call. He was granted the two months stay. He was in a great mood when he met her. But she was sad. He knew she too realized that two months or five days don’t make a difference in the long run, and soon, everything would come to an end.
They went for a walk. And their conversation went something along these lines.
“So, what is there we haven’t talked about?”
“Umm.. The future!” She answered.
“Oh, right. Come to think of it, you never told me what you wanted to study.”
“Architecture most probably.”
“Oh cool, my brother does architecture. I actually also wanted to do it, just because of him.”
“Well, my parents want me to be an architect, but I don’t mind it, I’ll double major anyway.”
“Double major?” He was bemused. “You can only double major in the USA right?”
“Yeah. I was born in California so I got the citizenship.”
“That’s so weird, I never told you I got a scholarship for America did I?”
“Oh wow, that’s amazing!!”
“So we’re both going to America, that’s another coincidence. Where are you gonna’ study?”
“I’m going to Duke. I got a –“
“I’m going to Davidson, that’s 2 hours driving from Duke.”

He remembered the conversation so clearly. He didn’t have time to recollect the rest of the story. He stood up from his chair, and hurriedly left the library. The bus to Durham was supposed to arrive in 5 minutes. He climbed the bus and took the only empty seat. As he sat, he saw that an elderly lady had also boarded the bus and was walking down the aisle. He immediately stood up and motioned to the lady towards his seat.
“Please, have my seat mam.” He added.
“Oh, you’re so kind – you’re a sweetheart”
“Oh it’s nothing I assure you.”
“Where are you headed young man?” the lady added in an inquisitive tone.
“Oh, to Durham.”
“What business do you have there if you mind me asking?”
“I’m going to Duke to see my girl actually.” He answered with a certain gladness in his voice.
Click to expand...

Since this is supposed to be based on your own life, try not to take it personally:

Consider first person narrative, as elaborated below, it is already kinda hard to make a connection with the protagonist and the third person narrative only makes him more distant.

The protagonist is constantly rubbing his righteousness and uprightness in the reader's face. There's little if any conflict or dynamics. He meets a girl, he likes her, but the circumstances seem to be unfavorable. So he is sad. He doesn't really try to do anything about it, he just moans about "not deserving it". Then deus ex machina delivers a happy ending and the protagonist reminds us what a good stand up guy he is by letting an old lady his place on the bus.

The protagonist claims some superlatives about her and their mutual compatibility, but doesn't act like it. It seems like he is actually fine with the idea of letting her go. I'm not saying he has to instantly do some stupid impulsive stuff, but there doesn't seem to be any internal struggle, doubts, change, anything. The protagonist doesn't undergo any process, he just meets a girl he likes and she like him back. Which is fine in real life. No, it's actually great. But it's not enough to make for good literature.

Again - I have no idea what you're like in real life, I'm just talking about the story regardless of how autobiographical it is.


 
The best sentence in your story is this:


She saw her first shooting star that night. “Make a wish.” He told her. [As her eyelids slowly shut, He then imagined her making a wish, a wish which would freeze this moment until the end of the age. It was a selfish thought; he suddenly became aware of how overhearing he was being, even if within the confines of his own mind.]
But time didn’t slow down.
Click to expand...

You cut out a potential paragraph of the garbage i added in brackets and implied something in a subtle way. Stuff like that is satisfying to read and cuts out the tl;dr factor when facing a 2000 word wall of text.

What isn't satisfying to read is this:

What are four days to a person? It is a relative question, but to him, they were worth everything. In these four days, he learned the wonderful nature of life, the beauty that is so often overlooked. His recollections started on a Friday, the 27th of June of the year 2014. He was home. In an unfortunate turn of events in the past, he was in quite a conundrum. There was a possibility of him leaving the country in a little over a week from that Friday, forever – otherwise he would leave in two months. The reason was not something he ever thought about, it wasn’t important why he was leaving, what was important was that he was indifferent towards it. He was headed for his dream, and he had done everything he needed to make the next step. He was completely fine with the idea of moving away forever, he was no stranger to it. Well, his indifference was about to change the night of that Friday.
Click to expand...

I must've skimmed over this in seconds because of how little information is actually passed to the reader. At risk of smashing my skull over the phrase "show, don't tell", you'd do well to drop the whole past-tense here's-what-happened-on-the-previous-episode narrative thing. "he had" is a terrible tense that grates on the ears over anything more than a paragraph - just show the events as they "happen"! Or if it's something within the person's mind, show conversations or actions that imply that. You'll use fewer words and the story will flow a lot more easily. Or if that fails, just ditch that whole section. You really don't need to summarize the story in the intro, that's a terrible idea.

R.E. romance (feel free to skip this section, I've been single all my life and hate the genre), nobody likes mute protagonists in novels. If the main character doesn't talk it's just two robots moving from location to location and performing script_init_romance every 10 minutes. Honestly if you give neither character any lines then it's impossible to gauge their aims or personality. Emotions maybe, but even then it's impossible to know, hence care, what anybody is doing or thinking.
Earlier posters complained about the falling in love in 3 seconds thing. Well my advice would be to give the main character a life outside that woman before he makes the offhand decision "she's the one". They're just tumors of each other, and the reader is the guy awkwardly sharing a table with a kissing couple. Give the dude some space.
 
There are some good suggestions here.  I might parrot some of them while trying to give you feedback.

Volkonski said:
The characters (if i can call them that, because right now i don't even know who they are, for all i care they could be a rock) are completely bland and have absolutely no backstory whatsoever.
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This I don't think is a valid - characters in short stories (or for that matter, short films) don't get back stories.  There are no back stories in Ernest Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants" or Flannery O'Connor's "A Good Man Is Hard to Find".  They don't get back stories because there isn't space for it and it's often not relevant to what is directly happening.  It doesn't matter where these characters went to school, or their Zodiac sign, or how they got along with their parents.  What matters is do you have the necessary information for that story. 

In this case, I feel the characters are flat, but not because we don't have their back stories laid out.

kurczak said:
The protagonist claims some superlatives about her
Click to expand...
This is something I noticed.  A lot of readers, myself especially, have a hard time taking superlatives seriously.  There are exceptions but this wouldn't qualify.  I don't know or care who she is - she's not Helen of Troy, so ease off of on the superlatives because it just sounds like you lack perspective. 

jacobhinds said:
At risk of smashing my skull over the phrase "show, don't tell",
Click to expand...
This I definitely agree with. 

My real problem with this story is that it's basically one big chunk of exposition.  Bare bones, this is what happened, this is what happened next, no meat to it, no need to become interested.  Dialogue, especially believable dialogue, is really what brings out the life in these things.

So here's my honest advice: start by reading some short stories, the two I mentioned some good examples I think.  Read them carefully and ask yourself what makes them successful?  Actually try to understand it.

Then, sit down and rewrite your story.  I don't care how much went in to the first draft - it's a handful of paragraphs, you'll live.  Have these characters talk.  I agree with the notion that these characters are bland because they don't talk.  Rather than spelling it out, and just expecting the reader to take your word for it, let the characters be themselves. 

Also, ask yourself what is the basic idea or theme here?  Missed opportunities?  Some nostalgia?  Expectations?  Figure it out.  Don't beat it over our heads and certainly don't mention it by name.  Just keep it in mind when you're writing.   
 
I would just like to thank the last two posters for the time invested. I already started writing it again, but luckily haven't gotten far enough before I read your posts. Thank you very much once again, I'll make a post when I am done, until then, I won't keep this thread from sinking (I don't want it locked)

Edit: "I won't keep this thread from sinking" and neither should you  :wink:
 
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