A pawn amongst Tyrant [A Fan made story in the Deus Ex universe]

[Rebelknight]

Hello Taleworlds, before i start i want to make sure everyone know this is my first story ever.I am fully open to criticism and tip from fellow forumite.
This story take place during Deus Ex : Human Revolution.

                                                                Act 1: Lowlife


Detroit, what a shit hole... but its my shit hole. My name is Douglas Mason and here is the beginning of my story when i was but a lowly drug dealer with little ambition, My childhood was quite typical of the youth living in the city, I was raised by my single and mostly absent father who taught me how to fend for myself, my mother death by a cop stray bullet during a firefight brought my father into a dark view of the world.
He lost many jobs, mostly due to his violent outburst and drunken episode, he finally found a "Stable job" as a Janitor. As for myself i was an idiot, spent most of my preteen year doing petty crime and vandalism, at 17 me and my buddy started selling dope for a local Gangbanger. Two year later, James, my best buddy joined the Motor City Banger... I didn't join because i preferred to work alone, i was too independent.


"Hey dude! wake the **** up" "James...what the **** do you want?" Freaking James waking me up at eight in the morning "Come on dude, got somethin' for ya" I got up and put on my shirt and my pant and went toward him, he had a box in his hand. "What is it James?" He opened the box and there was a gun inside it "Its a motherfucking Hurricane TMP-18" The Hurricane TMP-18 was a cheap Machine pistol "You know i don't use gun bud..." "Come on Doug... now you wont have to ask for my help when one of those ******* from uptown come takin' your shit and beside i didn't gave you a birthday gift since your 16th birthday so don't be a douche and take it" "All right, thanks" James took me  into the sewer to try it out... I never used a gun before but this one was mine so why not try it?

When getting down in the sewer my nose began to smell the familiar scent of shit and piss. We made the local Hobo leave the area so we can try this baby out, we took a wall as target practice, shot a few round...not very accurate but still made me feel strong. After some talking and a little "Training" Session we went to a friend apartment to drink some beer.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All right, i will write some more paragraph soon but i want to know what do you think of the writing so far?
If it suck, just tell me, Be honest.

Also hope i didn't make too much spelling mistake... Be merciful, English not my main language.

[Rallix]

I think your story telling ability is good, and can be improved upon.
Your grammar can too, but that's slightly less important.

The first act was a bit short, but to be honest, I wasn't in the mood for something long while I was reading it.  I don't often see people go from point A to point B so quickly, which I found refreshing in your post.
Two or three more paragraphs per act would suit it well though, I think.

Keep up the good work.

[John.]

Yep its pretty good, but shouldent this be in the other games section of the AG?

[Rebelknight]

I think your story telling ability is good, and can be improved upon.
Your grammar can too, but that's slightly less important.

The first act was a bit short, but to be honest, I wasn't in the mood for something long while I was reading it.  I don't often see people go from point A to point B so quickly, which I found refreshing in your post.
Two or three more paragraphs per act would suit it well though, I think.

Keep up the good work.

The first act not over  .


                                                                  Act 1 Lowlife part II


The apartment was a meeting ground for the Motor City Banger, one of their leader Double T was in the other room doing God know what.
After a few beer  James told me he was going to be augmented. "What kind of aug? mechanical arm and shit?" "Na, can't afford those... gonna buy some minor aug for now" "So you gonna be mista cyber James?" I said while laughing "Well James, i must be going but i will be back in an hour" I said while leaving, i had to meet one of my client like i do every Friday. Walking in the street of Detroit was a bit tricky with all those deadbeat Hobo begging for money. A minute later an ******* in a trench-coat and sunglasses ran into me... "Watch it *******!", no response from him, he seemed busy and in a hurry, i think he was Augmented.


Met my client, God he really wanted his fix... sad guy. Went back to the apartment, knocked on the door... no answer, opened the door only to see Kenny laying on the floor, looked around for sign of James...Found him, with a motherfucking arrow in his neck, saw Double T laying unconscious on the ground with one of his goon laying dead right next to him. "What the..." Didn't have time to finish my sentence when 3 cop bursted into the apartment... "Freeze! Get on the ground, NOW!" The cop took me and Double-T into custody, i was shocked and angry at what just happened...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned for more!

 

[TheGrim]

Yep its pretty good, but shouldent this be in the other games section of the AG?

Yeah, it should, just seems kinda random to have a Deus Ex story in the Mount&Blade discussion thread

[Rebelknight]

There lot of Non M&B story here....Its the Duck and Spackle tavern

[Rallix]

I don't see why it should be moved. We set roleplays from Warhammer and other games here, so why not be able to write a story outside of the M&B universe?

[Rebelknight]

will write next part maybe tonight or in the morning.

[Pimple_of_Pixels]

So Rebelknight spammed me to read this and comment, so I figured I'd be nice to my French friend and do so.
Besides the punctuation and other errors I'd expected, I find it moves too fast. It seems to jump around everywhere... here, I'll show what I mean.

Bold is my response or comment.
                               

                                                                Act 1: Lowlife


Detroit, what a shit hole... but its my shit hole. My name is Douglas Mason and here is the beginning of my story when i was but a lowly drug dealer with little ambition, My childhood was quite typical of the youth living in the city, I was raised by my single and mostly absent father who taught me how to fend for myself, my mother death by a cop stray bullet during a firefight brought my father into a dark view of the world. This isn't a paragraph but a run-on sentence. Commas don't connect sentences, semi-colons do ( and you shouldn't use that too often. Use periods, man. The rest about it, however, is good, besides the beginning. "Detroit, blah blah blah" tells me that you're going to describe how crappy Detroit is in your paragraph. Instead, the next sentence just jumps to "HI MY NAME IS" and it confused me at first.
He lost many jobs, mostly due to his violent outburst and drunken episode, he finally found a "Stable job" as a Janitor. As for myself i was an idiot, spent most of my preteen year doing petty crime and vandalism, at 17 me and my buddy started selling dope for a local Gangbanger. Two year later, James, my best buddy joined the Motor City Banger... I didn't join because i preferred to work alone, i was too independent. Never start out with a pronoun like 'he'. As a rule of thumb the antecedent should be in the paragraph before you refer to the character as 'he' or 'she' or 'it' or what have you. In this case it would be better to combine these two paragraphs, unless you want to speak more of Detroit and how lame it is.

Right, so you introduced the character a bit, and you mentioned where he lives. In this paragraph you start the actual story. Perhaps move that paragraph back into a 'Prologue' and then make this part the beginning of part 1? Just a suggestion, fine otherwise.
"Hey dude! wake the **** up" "James...what the **** do you want?" Freaking James waking me up at eight in the morning "Come on dude, got somethin' for ya" I got up and put on my shirt and my pant and went toward him, he had a box in his hand. "What is it James?" He opened the box and there was a gun inside it "Its a motherfucking Hurricane TMP-18" The Hurricane TMP-18 was a cheap Machine pistol "You know i don't use gun bud..." "Come on Doug... now you wont have to ask for my help when one of those ******* from uptown come takin' your shit and beside i didn't gave you a birthday gift since your 16th birthday so don't be a douche and take it" "All right, thanks" James took me  into the sewer to try it out... I never used a gun before but this one was mine so why not try it? Holy crap, who's talking? I can barely tell. Its also ugly to read the dialogue. Here's how I format conversations:
- Make the first couple sentences of conversation and state who is speaking. The rest is unnecessary, but keep them in the same order, hit enter instead of space.
"Hey, dude, wake the **** up!" Said James.
"Ugh, James... what the **** do you want?" I replied as he sat up in his bed, my childhood friend waking him up at eight in the freakin' morning.
"Come on, dude, I got somethin' for ye." OOC: Here we can tell James is talking without wasting time typing "SAID JAMES" all the time...
"What is it, James?" OOC: Same here.

And so on.

Also, there's not a SINGLE period in that entire 'paragraph.' Jeezus. Also, go into detail a bit more. Describe what the hell a Hurricane TMP-18 is. For example: "As he said that, I looked at the gun. It kept me silent as I looked at it, it was small, cheap, but in the right hands it was dangerous." Don't just say, "Lol guize it's a cheep masheen pistol"

James took him into the sewer to try it out.
JAMES TOOK HIM. INTO A SEWER. TO FIRE A GUN.

lolwut
Also, Periods, man. Periods. I can hardly understand what you're typing there.



When getting down in the sewer my nose began to smell the familiar scent of shit and piss. We made the local Hobo leave the area so we can try this baby out, we took a wall as target practice, shot a few round...not very accurate but still made me feel strong. After some talking and a little "Training" Session we went to a friend apartment to drink some beer.

Good start. "When getting down in the sewer, my nose began to smell the familiar scent of shit and piss." You add voice to Doug, as he doesn't say "the very familiar scent of defecation and urine" like a scientist would. Hes a lowlife, he doesn't talk like that. You got that down. Only thing missing is a comma, it fits in after "sewer." I put it in there for ye.

Also, hobos are locals to an area? Where I live, they just migrate wherever there's likely to be some nice people to give them left over McD's or something. But hey, I never played the new Deus Ex.

Again, go into more detail. "Yea we just shot a wall and had a beer" isn't really a story. It sounds like you're just summarizing this part. How about, "I aimed the gun downrange at the wall we had set up as a target. I smiled and let it rip, the recoil forcing my shoulder and body to tense. The hail of bullets cascaded towards the wall and left deep black holes in the brick."

Decent ending, as well. Cliffhangers rule. I'm the master of them.

Its bad to have cliffhangers, by the way. Its my weakness.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All right, i will write some more paragraph soon but i want to know what do you think of the writing so far?
If it suck, just tell me, Be honest.

Also hope i didn't make too much spelling mistake... Be merciful, English not my main language.

As

                                                                  Act 1 Lowlife part II


The apartment was a meeting ground for the Motor City Banger, one of their leader Double T was in the other room doing God knows what. Very good start. I feel like I'm in the apartment. You even seperated it from the next paragraph! OH LOOK DO I SEE A PERIOD!? You're improving already.
After a few beer  James told me he was going to be augmented. "What kind of aug? mechanical arm and shit?" "Na, can't afford those... gonna buy some minor aug for now" "So you gonna be mista cyber James?" I said while laughing "Well James, i must be going but i will be back in an hour" I said while leaving, i had to meet one of my client like i do every Friday. Walking in the street of Detroit was a bit tricky with all those deadbeat Hobo begging for money. A minute later an ******* in a trench-coat and sunglasses ran into me... "Watch it *******!", no response from him, he seemed busy and in a hurry, i think he was Augmented. Yea, James is drunk and tellin' you all this perfectly coherently. Not saying you have to write like a drunken, bumbling idiot, but usually drunk people don't talk about augmentations in such an understandable way
OMG A PERIOD
Also, remember my dialogue format, much nicer looking as well as easier to read.
It seems pretty random, about leaving. In the middle of a conversation, out of nowhere, Douglas just says "Oh brb" Not very good, sounds like your summarizing again. My suggestion is, during the dialogue, have a description of Doug's thoughts come through. This is from 3rd person view, but your story is from first, so don't follow this exactly. Its just easier for me to write in Third Person perspective.
"Doug laughed a bit, but oddly he was reminded of something. He had something to do, something quick, it'd only take an hour. He had nearly forgotten to meet one of his clients, as he does daily. James waking him up so early, plus all the target practice, probably got in the way of his memory. He decided now was as any good time to leave. "Well James, I must leave but I will be back in an hour."
"Where you going?"
"Client."
"Oh. See you later then."




Met my client, God he really wanted his fix... sad guy. Went back to the apartment, knocked on the door... no answer, opened the door only to see Kenny laying on the floor, looked around for sign of James...Found him, with a motherfucking arrow in his neck, saw Double T laying unconscious on the ground with one of his goon laying dead right next to him. "What the..." Didn't have time to finish my sentence when 3 cop bursted into the apartment... "Freeze! Get on the ground, NOW!" The cop took me and Double-T into custody, i was shocked and angry at what just happened...

Summarizing here. Describe to me the meeting with the client. How did it go down? What did he want? Did he pay? What does Doug plan to spend the money on? Just because you don't feel like writing about that particular part of the story doesn't mean you shouldn't.
"I went to my client, his name was Walter. We met in the same area we always did, in front of a sewer grating a few minutes beyond city limits.
"You got the stuff?"
"Yep. You got money?"
"Of course."

And so on... get creative with it. Its boring to read a summarization



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned for more!
Yea, I look forward to more advice to give

 

[Rebelknight]

Thanks buddy for those tips
I'm gonna use em.

                                                                               Act 1 Part III


Here i was, in a dark cold cell... well its was not my first time inside the precinct jail but it was still as boring and cold.
Began to hear footstep, finally... was getting tired of sitting on my ass for over 3 hour.
"Mr. Mason?" said a cute looking policewomen.
"Yea?" I said in a nonchalant tone.
"Please follow me" she said while opening the cell door.
She led me into a room with a small table in the center with 2 chair.
"Great, a ******** interrogation" I said in a small voice so that bitch would not hear me.
Sat on one of the chair and waited 5 minute when a cop, male this time, entered the room and sat on the other chair.
"Hello Douglas, i can call you Douglas can i ?" said the pig.
"If you want. Look i have nothing to do with what happened in that apartment so don't waste your time" I said in a provoking manner.
"We're not accusing you of anything yet... but we wonder what you were doing in that apartment, you're not a Motor City Banger." Said the popo.
"Was visiting a friend, went to the local store to buy a candy bar and when i came back you guy arrested me." Said in a non caring manner.
"You are friend with Double-T? You do know that we found drug and weapon inside that apartment?" Said the Officer.
"Look i was friend with one of the dead guy. I did not kill anyone i wasn't even armed." I said while remembering that i kept my new toys inside my apartment instead of bringing it at Double-T crib.

After 1-2 more hour of interrogation the damn pig finally let me go, saying that they have another lead and i was just there in the wrong place at the wrong time. Went back to my apartment, sat on the couch and started thinking about this ******** bad day, wish i could find the *********** who did this to James i said to myself while holding my Machine pistol.
"James, i think your gift might come in handy" I Said loudly in my apartment while recharging my Hurricane TMP-18.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned for more tomorrow.

@Pixel: hope i followed most of your advice.

Sorry if its not really long its a bit late at night.
The next part will be longer.

[Pimple_of_Pixels]

                                                                               Act 1 Part III


Here I was, in a dark, cold prison cell... well, it's not my first time behind bars? but it was still just as boring and cold. Natural beginning for this chapter. Also a decent beginning. In red are suggestions I have, but they aren't necessary.
Began to hear footstep, finally... was getting tired of sitting on my ass for over 3 hours. In English we put an 's' or 'es' when referring to more than one thing
"Mr. Mason?" said a cute looking policewomen. You followed my format well.
"Yea?" I said in a nonchalant tone. Here's the beginning of the annoying bits. See below...
"Please follow me," she said while opening the cell door.
She led me into a room with a small table in the center with 2 chairs.
"Great, a ******** interrogation" I said in a lowvoice so that bitch would not hear me. Voices usually don't have sizes. You can say someone has a Big voice, but small voice sounds awkward. Low works better.
Sat on one of the chairs and waited 5 minutes when a cop, male this time, entered the room and sat on the other chair.
"Hello Douglas, i can call you Douglas can i ?" said the pig.
"If you want. Look i have nothing to do with what happened in that apartment so don't waste your time" I said in a provoking manner. Here's the annoying part. See it yet?
"We're not accusing you of anything yet... but we wonder what you were doing in that apartment, you're not a Motor City Banger." Said the popo. No need for this, unless you wanted it there
"Was visiting a friend, went to the local store to buy a candy bar and when i came back you guy arrested me." Said in a non caring manner. Use something besides manner, at the very least. You've used that twice now in short secession.
"So, are you a friend of Double-T? This isn't phrased like a question. In English a question usually has to start with Who, What, when, where, why, how, etc... fixed it for you You do know that we found drug and weapon inside that apartment?" Said the Officer.
"Look, i was friend with one of the dead guys. I did not kill anyone, i wasn't even armed." I said while remembering that i kept my new toys inside my apartment instead of bringing it at Double-T's crib. Don't forget your commas, and in English the apostrophe when showing possession. Otherwise good.

After 1-2 more hour of interrogation the damn pig finally let me go, saying that they have another lead and i was just there in the wrong place at the wrong time. I Went back to my apartment, sat on the couch and started thinking about this ******** bad day. "Wish i could find the *********** who did this to James," i said to myself while holding maybe loading? my Machine pistol. Try something more detailed than "holding."
"James, I think your gift might come in handy" I Said loudly in my apartment while recharging my Hurricane TMP-18.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Stay tuned for more tomorrow.

@Pixel: hope i followed most of your advice.
Most, yes. More to learn though.

[Rallix]

Man, Pixel's giving you lots of good advice. I just use those sorts of things without thinking. But once he points it out I recognize it too. The story improves upon each post.